Finances: How to approach communication with finances

[daz_bpd]

My partner has a history of over-spending, shopping (buying things to validate herself or, make her feel better), gambling (lying about where the money went, borrowing friends credit card to gamble online).

She hates that she has to budget and 'talk about money all the time'. Yet our conversations on sunday, monday and tuesday ALL started with her needing money for something.

Ive broken up with her several times, argued, shouted, set limitations to- and banned gambling sites and made other restrictions. I know my behaviour wasn't correct ("stop making it worse, before making it better". I feel the banning on gambling sites was necessary and did help, but she is 30-years-old and I don't want to be treating her like a child. Her reckless spending has meant my career has stagnated for 3-years. I use extra cash to re-invest, invest in myself and for long-term goals. Right now everything has gone to sort out her needs and I am accruing debt in order to pay for her tuition to get her through law school.

How do I approach talking about money so that she doesn't become defensive, angry or shut me out?



My first step is making a plan, and getting an idea of what is needed. I ask her to write down all her expenses and let me know what additional payments come up - this is already very hard for her. I often get one to three short entries nothing more, with no thought of future months, events and other things that may come up.

If she blows the budget (again for the 7th time). What do I do? If I cut her off then she doesn't get to write the bar, ruining many months and money of investing in education.

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[waverider]

You can discuss it until you are blue in the face. She can agree to anything you like and it wont make any difference if she has a disorder based around impulse and lack of regulation. It will all just be words until the next spending impulse which will override anything that may have been said.

There are times when you just have to do what is necessary, you can't always negotiate happy compromises.

Essential funds for survival need to be made tamper proof, what is allocated for her use needs to be clear and accessible, what isn't shouldn't. She will be defensive and angry, that is an extinction burst to a boundary.

You need to be black and white with finances until she gets used to it. Once it becomes up for negotiations you are entering trade discussions with an outright expert at haggling, you will find yourself up the creek and not knowing how you got there again.

[GeorgeTheDifferent]

I am not able to communicate with my BPD wife about finances at all. Even before I ever discovered there's something called BPD, I decided to break up financially so we have separate property regime since a year. We made it clear (written, signed off) how much I pay and for what (see this post: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=273392.msg12602192#msg12602192). Now we speak about this only if necessary, which is only about my travelling expences to see the kids. I am really waiting for her to hit the bottom with hope she will eventually see her problem. But it's been just few weeks I'm aware what kind of of problem this is so these are my thoughts for now.

What I think is most important here, as waverider mentioned, she's not able to control this so you'd need to think about fireproof boudaries to prevent youreself from going bust and be ready to provide some basic emergency resources you'd provide her with -- on your terms.

[daz_bpd]

Okay, so I am setting the financial boundaries and sticking to the budget. After much frustration and anger on her part she sends me another message reading:

"And then? What are you still doing, if you have the money available? You just dont care. You take all the chance you get to stress me out and fail me. And put misery on me and put me down!"

Given the info on this website about communication, and making validating responses, how would you answer? her response is projecting all the concerns and doubts I have about her bad behaviour, and financial mismanagement onto me.

[GaGrl]

How can you respond in a way that states your boundary? "I am responsible for my own financial well-being"?

[daz_bpd]

@gagrl, to clarify i repeatedly told her the budget and boundaries and she would not accept the terms WE HAD AGREED ON over the weekend, which we outlined and I promised her i would stick to.

She then began ranting that I "don't listen to her" and what she really wants is that regardless of what is agreed on, if she wants something I must simply give into her demands.

She mentions "don't you care that this is what I want" "don't you care that I am stressed out over this?" - a constant theme, is how hurt, in pain and stressed out she is, and that I am the one doing this to her, and I am the one that can alleviate the damage by listening to her and sending more money.

[GeorgeTheDifferent]

I suspect this might be tough for many pwBPD. Finances seem to be one of the worst triggers for my wife.

I noticed though that it's been easier for me to communicate once I've detached myself. That took a year... .oh yeah. I think the first step for you would be to work on yourself. Otherwise it'd be extremely hard for you not to take her texts personally, feel hurt etc.

If -- like many pwBPD partners -- you're caregiver or codependent, hearing 'you don't care' must be especially hurtful.

I'm not sure I ever helped you, just sharing my experience and support 'coz I know where you're coming from 

[adventurer]

If she blows the budget (again for the 7th time). What do I do? If I cut her off then she doesn't get to write the bar, ruining many months and money of investing in education.

If you spend all of the time and effort to come up with an agreed upon budget, and she messes it up somehow, you should not protect her from the consequences of her actions.

She is using every tactic in her playbook (saying you don't care, blaming you, playing on your guilt) to keep getting her way and she's going to keep it up as long as it seems to give her the results she wants.

I am struggling like heck with my wife and finances right now so I know this isn't easy, but start taking the steps now to set solid boundaries, clear expectations and consequences and above all, protect yourself and your finances.  It is for your financial, personal and emotional well-being.

[daz_bpd]

She has been sent two weeks worth of budget in 4 days, and has been sent additional funds for extras, and tuition. Hours later on the same day, she has another story that requires me to send her more money.

[6:58:04 PM] H: ITS SO ___ING HARD TO MAKE YOU GET AND UNDERSTAND THINGS

[6:58:23 PM] H: WOW. HOW ARE YOU REPEATING YOUR WORDS?___ING PSYCHO

[6:58:30 PM] H: ARE YOU A RETARDED ROBOT?

[6:58:49 PM] H: YOU REALLY GET INTO MY NERVES!

[6:58:55 PM] H: I HATE YOU TO DEATH!

[6:59:27 PM] H: HOW CAN SOMEONE LIKE YOU BE IN A MANS BODY?

[6:59:45 PM] H: YOU ARE TOO FRUSTRATING DEPRESSING HOPELESS IMPOSSIBLE

[6:59:52 PM] H: IN ONE!

[7:00:50 PM] H: CAN YOU PLEASE STOP BEING THE LOSER THAT YOU ARE JUST FOR AN HOUR NOW?

[7:00:52 PM] H: CAN YOU?

How to i begin to validate any of this? How do I communicate with her at all?

[flowerpath]

Hi, daz.   That’s verbal abuse.  If it were happening in my face, I’d walk away from it.  So if I got that in text messages, I’d put the phone down and wouldn’t respond.  Give her some time to cool off. 

Is what she’s asking for now a necessity? 

It is no surprise that she cannot write down all of her expenses, and that does put you at a disadvantage as far as planning a budget goes, but over time maybe you will see a pattern of the necessary expenses. 

I have also had this difficulty with my h, of seeing eye-to-eye on spending.  Long story short:  I waited far too long for him to see the light and take responsibility (not gonna happen) instead of doing what I needed to do to protect myself from his impulsivity and neediness.  The consequences were awful. 

It’s great that you have set financial boundaries, and a budget, and that you are sticking with the budget.  Sure, you don’t want to treat her like a child, but you will have to plan and carry out the plan as if you are the parent as the financial manager of the household.   She is not going to look out for your financial well-being or hers.  She has demonstrated that she isn’t capable of doing that.

It’s all about her neediness, and you’re not giving her what she wants, so she feels like you don’t care.  She feels as if you don’t care that she feels stressed out.  In this case, I’d use the S.E.T. tool.  Check out that lesson and see how you can word it to fit your situation.  Maybe by Sympathizing (S) and Empathizing (E) you can say the words that communicate to her that you do understand and care about how she feels.  You can state the Truth (T) in a simple way without saying anything about her reckless spending.  Just the facts.  “You need money for ___ expenses and we have that covered.   We have a budget and here’s how much is available for you to just spend however you’d like.”   

She’s wasted what's allocated to her and is asking for more money?  If the money that you have put away is earmarked for an essential, for something in the future, budgeted for you, budgeted for what you need in order to stop accruing debt, and in safekeeping away from her, then it’s not available. 

Plain and simple.  You:  “There’s not any money available for that.”   

If she has nothing left and needs money for food and toiletries, give her just enough to hold her over until you can mail her a grocery store gift card so she can’t spend it at the mall or online.  Maybe putting her money for groceries on a grocery store gift card to begin with can protect food money from being blown elsewhere.  There probably will be all sorts of foot stomping, kicking, and screaming.  Hold your ground (your boundary).  Hold it again and again.  In spite of all of the noise, you will be glad you did. 

[daz_bpd]

Thank you for your response @flowerpath. I am re-reading the S.E.T. article. I do find I learn best by use of examples, so I am including her messages to get an idea of what to reply. I am very inexperienced with 'validating' her and then making helpful responses, im trying my best but it seems she only gets more frustrated.

I ended the conversation as I had a salsa class starting in a few minutes.

[7:37:01 PM] H: You are like this to me because of salsa

[7:37:31 PM] H: I HATE YOU VERY VERYY MUCH!

[7:37:50 PM] H: YOU CAUSE ME SO MUCH STRESS AND ANXIETY!

[7:38:56 PM] *** Missed call from H. ***

[8:44:53 PM] H: I am still awake when i need to be at work in 4 hours. I cant sleep.

[8:45:32 PM | Edited 8:47:24 PM] H: I cannot fathom how you just wont stop doing things to frustrate me. I  am very very disappointed in the kind of monster youve become.

[8:46:31 PM] H: You do everything to destroy us. Even when I stop you. You defy me. You make me build so much hate and disrespect for you. You become less of a man each day. I cannot do this anymore d**

[8:48:19 PM | Edited 8:51:14 PM]: The things you do makes me not want anything to do with you, and you dont care that it is so. You said you wanted another chance. You said you wanted to fix things, yet all you do is destroy us further.

[8:48:53 PM] H: You are causing me so much pain and stress. I can't take it anymore.

[9:38:30 PM] H: Please book me a ticket home. I am quiting my job today and will go home to *** for good.

[9:42:11 PM] H: I am packing my things while waiting for you to be home. let me know when you have arrived

She is making threats to quit her job and go home to her parents, but she has done this 10+ times, she goes there for a few days then returns. She has 'quit her job' numerous times only to be back there on monday

How would I use S.E.T. to respond to any of this?

[Dutched]

Hi daz_BPD

I copied part of a post regarding your question about finances. It might be of any help

The whole topic can be found at

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=232471.0

Please try to rationalize matters

#Gather your bank statements / credit card info, bills etc over the last 12-24 months!

#Use Excel; per month incoming and outgoing (house/insurances/car/cloths (per family member, etc)

#Print it and back it up by statements, etc.

#Prepare your “case” well, handle it as a normal business meeting

Create a nice atmosphere! As even when you will calmly “confront” her, be prepared for distraction (I don’t believe it / you made a mistake / you bought that / etc.). All the twists as you write.

So:

# Ask questions (!)

Do not question her 2 pairs of shoes per month (get it? ) only the TOTAL of cloths.

DO ask how can WE change spending on X (so it will be HER idea(!), but guard your boundaries!

# Make notes of her ideas and immediately adjust your printed copy! Immediately!

Indeed as she is confronted with facts, prepare for upheaval, deflecting, not taking responsibility.

AHA, responsibility, now were are getting some where!

You, in a direct and firm way must set the boundaries, as you proved she has a hole in her hand (similar of the hole in the bucket from Harry Bellafonte )

# You prepared a 2nd sheet (SURPRISE) well balanced! So YOUR idea!

AND prepare on that

Monthly transfer of an amount to a savings account (future/car/unplanned events). You decide!

# Compare both and “discuss” briefly, then adjust the amounts (you thought X, she X1, but you can live with it, or stick to your X)

Now, this far, do NOT allow any details to distract you.

2nd bank account for daily living costs only. THAT will be the account for her to manage! Tell her, and tell her to stay away from the “main account” unless discussed!

# You retreat and finalize!

# Check every bank statement, etc.!

Make her see that you check it (if asked why, for “us” for our family, our future).Let her see that you are in control, your boundary will not be violated!

# Stick to it and once a month create a nice atmosphere in order to talk about the progress (yes, emphasize the positive, as pwBPD are prone to receive compliments, like an 4 yr. old).

# set mutual goals, summarize each subject AND make notes for the next month.

[waverider]

She has been sent two weeks worth of budget in 4 days, and has been sent additional funds for extras, and tuition. Hours later on the same day, she has another story that requires me to send her more money.

[6:58:04 PM] H: ITS SO ___ING HARD TO MAKE YOU GET AND UNDERSTAND THINGS

[6:58:23 PM] H: WOW. HOW ARE YOU REPEATING YOUR WORDS?___ING PSYCHO

[6:58:30 PM] H: ARE YOU A RETARDED ROBOT?

[6:58:49 PM] H: YOU REALLY GET INTO MY NERVES!

[6:58:55 PM] H: I HATE YOU TO DEATH!

[6:59:27 PM] H: HOW CAN SOMEONE LIKE YOU BE IN A MANS BODY?

[6:59:45 PM] H: YOU ARE TOO FRUSTRATING DEPRESSING HOPELESS IMPOSSIBLE

[6:59:52 PM] H: IN ONE!

[7:00:50 PM] H: CAN YOU PLEASE STOP BEING THE LOSER THAT YOU ARE JUST FOR AN HOUR NOW?

[7:00:52 PM] H: CAN YOU?

How to i begin to validate any of this? How do I communicate with her at all?

You don't, this has gone past validation, she wil not listen. It is abuse you apply a boundary against abuse.>> "I have told you the budget, I am not going to rehash or justify this and if you continue this kind of abuse i am not going to communicate with you as it is not healthy".

Turn your phone off if you have to.

What you are experiencing is

   EXTINCTION BURST

She is retreating to victim mode of the

   KARPMANN DRAMA TRIANGLE

[flowerpath]

Enforce a boundary against abuse like that, for sure.  Most of the time I don’t even respond to emails, text messages, or voice messages that are on the edge.  I just wait until we can talk. 

The distance can be a benefit for you because it’s a little simpler to enforce a boundary against an abusive text message, email, or voice mail by not responding to it than it is to leave a room or the house.  It’s the same for a phone conversation.  If you state your boundary as waverider said - I'd write that one down and keep it with my phone! - and she goes off on you, you can simply tell her you have to hang up.  You can even decide on how much time – hours, a day, etc. -  you’re going to remove yourself from conversation with her before you pick up the phone when she calls again.  If she goes off on you again, state your boundary again and stand by it.     

I was thinking of S.E.T. in response to comments like these that are not abusive, but say a lot about how she feels:

"And then? What are you still doing, if you have the money available? You just dont care. You take all the chance you get to stress me out and fail me. And put misery on me and put me down!"

[formflier]

How do I approach talking about money so that she doesn't become defensive, angry or shut me out?

Your don't.  She will get upset... .your must hold  the line.  Caving in will make it worse.

If she claims she needs toiletries... .use amazon or a shipping company to send her the products.  Don't put cash or store cards in her hands... .she will figure out way to misuse.

Or... .better yet... let her figure it out.

So... .figure out what you want to send her... .not what she wants.  If you want to send her anything at all... .it seems that you do.

Stick to that.

Waverider was spot on... .send a simple text that you will not participate in unhealthy communication... .turn off phone.

If you do this consistently... .she will get message.

Surviving your first extinction burst is tough... .I did it.  It was scary... but the tools and lesson worked

This new found power changed my life!

Hang in there... .

FF

[daz_bpd]

@flowerpath

She uses neccessity as a means to extract more money, since she is ALWAYS broke and needs cash for food, her 'illness' that is unbearable and then seemingly is forgotten.

In order to extract more money, she cycles between:

1. making me feel guilty for 'betraying her' (when I am trying to set- and maintain boundaries)

2. how stressed out she is

3. how much pain she is

4. make me feel guilty for 'wasting her life'

5. make me feel guilty for 'breaking things off with her ex'

6. how sick she is, and needs money for the hospital but then magically recovers, after money is sent

i see the cycle now, what I am wondering is how to break things off?

[waverider]

@flowerpath

She uses neccessity as a means to extract more money, since she is ALWAYS broke and needs cash for food, her 'illness' that is unbearable and then seemingly is forgotten.

In order to extract more money, she cycles between:

1. making me feel guilty for 'betraying her' (when I am trying to set- and maintain boundaries)

2. how stressed out she is

3. how much pain she is

4. make me feel guilty for 'wasting her life'

5. make me feel guilty for 'breaking things off with her ex'

6. how sick she is, and needs money for the hospital but then magically recovers, after money is sent

i see the cycle now, what I am wondering is how to break things off?

This an exact copy of my partners dysfunctional relationship with her mother. Constantly 'catastrophizing' to get what her instant gratification desires. This cycle seems set in concrete as her mum plays the essential martyr each time, then puts money in her account.

Nothing changes without change, and they are not going to instigate it as they don't want change. So it is up to you and you wont be able to negotiate your way out of it.

The problem is someone like this has no real sense of pride and independence.

[daz_bpd]

Everyone thank you so much for the concise replies and taking time to write to me. I am going through everything thoroughly and learning what I can.

For a long time I felt isolated, that this is a battle I must fight on my own. I have been very lonely. Your responses really do mean a lot to me, thank you so much.

[maxsterling]

Are you married?  Does she have her won job?   Do you live together?  I'd suggest coming up with a plan where the shared responsibilities are paid for, then her money is for her, and yours is for you. 

Easier said than done.  ANY conversation about money in ANY way triggers extreme anxiety in my wife.  I could get a $500 bonus, and it would trigger a dysregulation the same way a $500 bill would.  So I am in the same boat as you.  2 years in, and I don't think I have had a single calm discussion about money with her.

[OffRoad]

The hardest part is that you have to realize that her texts are not really about you. She doesn't hate you, she hates herself.

I'm a little strange. If I were to get this:

[7:00:50 PM] H: CAN YOU PLEASE STOP BEING THE LOSER THAT YOU ARE JUST FOR AN HOUR NOW?

[7:00:52 PM] H: CAN YOU?

I'd respond: "Nope." and be done with the phone for the night.

And after the first salvo of abuse, I'd have texted "I am sorry you are so upset. The budget is for you to have X amount. I have sent X amount. There is no more until X date." Repeat ad nauseum or turn off the phone.

But truly, figure out what "necessities" she needs, send those items (not money), then send money for whatever she would need money for. And that's it. While it weems like what she is saying is personal, it isn't really about you. It's about her needing to get her "fix".

[flowerpath]

i see the cycle now, what I am wondering is how to break things off?

The leaving board can probably give you some suggestions for that, but in the meantime, if you hold tight to your boundaries about your finances and her abuse toward you, and ship her necessities instead of sending cash, you might not have to break things off.  She may end up doing it herself.

Be strong. 

[formflier]

i see the cycle now, what I am wondering is how to break things off?

Are you asking how to break off sending her money... .or break off the r/s (relationship)

  you wont be able to negotiate your way out of it.

Above is an incredibly important point.  One that I am currently working on in my r/s.  The frustrating part about coming to an agreement... .is that when their feelings change... .they may "remember" their agreement differently than you do.

daz_BPD,

How have the conversations gone the last couple days?

FF

[daz_bpd]

@maxsterling: bf/gf 3yr LTR, we were living together but I moved back to my country, when things got really bad and I couldn't sustain meeting her demands, feeling emotionally and physically drained, and balancing my career and health. She has a job but it doesn't cover her endless financial demands, needs.

@OffRoad; she tells me i am acting "robotic" when i repeat myself, she also says i have "changed" when i enforce my boundaries.

@flowerpath: Thank you for the kind words

@formflier: break off the r/s. she is sticking to the budget for two days so far (her record is 14 days over 3 years), and the expenses (I hope) have been settled. She is going through her loving, caring phase so its harder for me to break off with her now. But after several therapy sessions, the long-run potential of things remaining a healthy, loving relationship are unrealistic.

Im reading through how to break things off, in between work and other commitments.

[formflier]

@formflier: break off the r/s. she is sticking to the budget for two days so far (her record is 14 days over 3 years), and the expenses (I hope) have been settled. She is going through her loving, caring phase so its harder for me to break off with her now. But after several therapy sessions, the long-run potential of things remaining a healthy, loving relationship are unrealistic.

So... . at some point she will bust the budget... . I'm really more interested in what you do at that point... . than what she does.

What is your plan?

Always a good thing to evaluate your options with the r/s.

FF

[Loosestrife]

Sorry to join late. She is addict and you are funding her habit - spending.  What if you simply told her that your salary is yours and hers is hers? I don't think she will ever appreciate the value of money if she doesn't have to earn it... . just my thoughts for what they are worth. This must be really stressful and I'm sorry you are having to go through it 

[daz_bpd]

Talking to her about anything at this point feels futile. I am withdrawing from her, I know I am met to 'listen and talk' and validate, but this is ongoing and it disrupts my entire life. Her mood cycles through so many stages many times a day, I don't even read some of the messages now, when she is VERY angry (usually her telling me she will ___ some other guy)

*As of right now, although she tells me I am unavailable, she has blocked me, changed her number and threatened to "make me feel the pain that she feels" (I went to a salsa class, and she told me NOT to go, later she said its because her ex slept with girls at salsa)

(Today)

[1:24:42 AM] H: I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU!

(Yesterday - Thursday)

H: I am too upset with you. I dont know what I'll do to make you feel worse than how Im feeling now.

[4/16/2015 9:46:04 PM] H: YOU'LL SEE. YOU'LL DEFINITELY SEE!

(mid afternoon Yesterday - Thursday)

H: Listen to ME. I want to be with you. I want to serve you as my man and make you happy.

[4/16/2015 4:51:43 PM] H: I can be with anyone else but I want YOU. Let us both work for this.

Me: I want to clarify things now. We are over, and I wont be sending you any more money

[4/16/2015 4:02:35 PM] H: I know. Its never about the money.

[4/16/2015 4:03:08 PM] H: You just thought it was. I only ever wanted my man to put me above all.

[4/16/2015 4:03:58 PM] H: You put me last. And for that, I'll never be happy with the kind of person you are. You are good and nice, but not to me.

[4/16/2015 4:04:52 PM] H: And I want to clarify things. To end this. I will have other men kiss me, touch me, put me in ecstacy. And from now on, that wont be wrong.

(Wednesday)

H: Thank you baby.

[4/15/2015 6:33:33 PM] H: Im sorry I didnt reply, I finished a subject

[4/15/2015 6:33:54 PM] H: I made a schedule to start today, the 15th. I want to be disciplines this time

[4/15/2015 6:34:37 PM] H: I will work hard this. I am grateful for you. I honestly am. I am so lucky. Thank you so much babe.

[4/15/2015 6:35:17 PM] H: I wont argue with you na. Im sorry for the spending. I promise things will change from now on.

[4/15/2015 6:35:36 PM] H: I will submit to you and  respect you as a man, as my man.

*I had settled her expenses, she has enough till month

I am NOT sending any more money at this point. I have reached a threshold.

[formflier]

 

You are correct that she is cycling through moods several times a day.

Good thing that you are not reading all of the messages.  They aren't healthy for you.

Disengagement when she does this is good.

If you can validate something and then disengage... . that is better.  But you are under no obligation.  If you try to validate when you are tired, triggered... . or that... . it will usually go worse.

How often do you talk on phone versus text?  Have you ever texted her before that it is over.


FF

[daz_bpd]

All the money is gone again (the budget was meant to last till month end, it took her 3 days for it to disappear again), and she is calling me for "money for food" and saying "you won't let me eat". She keeps calling me... .

H: And youre just gonna let me starve?

[2:28:55 PM | Edited 2:29:01 PM] Me: I am NOT sending you any more money

[2:29:10 PM] H: You dont care about me at all. You just want to be right. It doesnt matter what happens to me

[2:29:19 PM] Me: No that is not the case at all

[2:29:32 PM] H: See. I said im VERY hungry, and you DONT CARE

[2:29:51 PM] H: when I need you, when it matters. You just dont care. Yoi dont listen. As long as youre right

[2:30:05 PM] Me: You are not letting yourself eat.

[2:30:19 PM] H: You are not a friend. Not my family. You just simply dont carr about me

[2:31:03 PM] H: If you care AT ALL, you wouldnt nag, you'll send me cash so I can eat.

[2:31:11 PM] H: Instead you nag nag nag nag like a girl.

[flowerpath]

Hang in there daz.   Hold your ground on your boundaries.   Remember that disengagement is your friend.  

[formflier]

[2:29:19 PM] Me: No that is not the case at all

[2:30:05 PM] Me: You are not letting yourself eat.

Daz,

Hey... .remember I talk about... .give advice on good better best scale of things.

I think you are in "better" category... .because you are not getting sucked into a raging argument.

I do think that both of your statements were hugely INVALIDATING to her.

Do you understand what invalidation is? 

Remember... .the "battlefield" is her feelings.  Invalidating those rarely goes well.  Validating them helps... .to a point.

At no point do you have to agree with her reality... .do you see subtle difference.

Couple options

We can work here on validating  statements you could try.

We could work on "deflecting" statements that don't invalidate. "Sorry your feel that way... ." (for example)

You could work on not having any conversation with her when she is is lala land of the statements she is sending your way.

Any thoughts on which you would like to try?  Or work on first... .

FF