She wasn't there, but she was

[sisterofbpd]

Hi all, so I guess it's normal for families with someone with BPD to always have some kind of issue with the holidays (it is for my family though).

A few months ago BPDsis launched a completely unprovoked attack of hate emails targeted at my mother and I (which she copied in her friends and our external family members, aunts, cousins, etc.).  In the latest string of hate emails which were only a couple of months ago, she told my mother to take a dirt nap, told me to move out of state, I wouldn't be missed and insulted my DH, among other things.

The extended family members she included she has idolized since as far back as I can remember.  "They're the cool ones."  In truth, they are the ones who introduced BPDsis to drugs when she was a teenager.  They themselves used it recreationally, but BPD sis was hooked and has been a drug user of varying degrees for years.  We can thank the cool Aunts and cousins for that!  In the past 5 years when things started getting really bad mentally and drug wise for BPDsis, my mother and I did everything we could to get her help.  She cut us off immediately and instantly turned us black.  The cool aunts did nothing but enabled her, so of course BPDsis continues to idolize and rely on them.  Because of all of this, I have distanced myself and my family from them.

This Easter, my parents decided to host the "cool ones" for Easter dinner.  The "cool ones" have always been big on gossiping and will go on and on about what ever subject they feel should be discussed, the juicier the subject, the better.  BPDsis decided, even though she publically (through the email that she sent everyone) insulted us, told us not to contact her (I wasn't) and told my Mom to die and me to move, that it would be a great idea to make a bunch of baked goods for the cool ones to bring to my parents house.  I'm not talking about just a cake either.  She sent cupcakes, cake and then even individually wrapped and decorated carrot cakes with a label for each family.  Our parents cake said their first and last names and mine said The SisterofBPD family (mine instantly went in the trash). 

Meanwhile the cool ones and my sister-in-law (whom before all this BPDsis had never had anything nice to say about) were gushing loudly and for long periods of time about how well BPDsis is doing.  She met a new boyfriend, moved in with him, lost a lot of weight, she's madly in love, yada yada.  For me, I'm happy for her and really do hope she is doing well but I honestly want nothing to do with her.  I don't need to hear this garbage.  Is there something amiss with my thinking that she should not have sent baked goods to her family she publically smears, and that the cool ones should have refused to bring them on the basis of not getting involved?  Not only that, but that is was extremely rude of them to be discussing this at length loudly in front of the rest of us when they know it is a sore subject?

I'm just disgusted with all of my extended family with the way they enable her and even do their bidding.  Sorry for the rant, but I really needed to vent.

Thanks for reading 

[Kwamina]

Hi sisterofBPD

How have you been? I still remember your story quite well, including the part where your sis told your mom to take a dirt nap

Hi all, so I guess it's normal for families with someone with BPD to always have some kind of issue with the holidays (it is for my family though).

In my family too. Especially Mother's Day and Birthdays tend to bring out the 'best' in my uBPD mom and sis

This Easter, my parents decided to host the "cool ones" for Easter dinner.  The "cool ones" have always been big on gossiping and will go on and on about what ever subject they feel should be discussed, the juicier the subject, the better.  BPDsis decided, even though she publically (through the email that she sent everyone) insulted us, told us not to contact her (I wasn't) and told my Mom to die and me to move, that it would be a great idea to make a bunch of baked goods for the cool ones to bring to my parents house.  I'm not talking about just a cake either.  She sent cupcakes, cake and then even individually wrapped and decorated carrot cakes with a label for each family.  Our parents cake said their first and last names and mine said The SisterofBPD family (mine instantly went in the trash).  

Meanwhile the cool ones and my sister-in-law (whom before all this BPDsis had never had anything nice to say about) were gushing loudly and for long periods of time about how well BPDsis is doing.  She met a new boyfriend, moved in with him, lost a lot of weight, she's madly in love, yada yada.  For me, I'm happy for her and really do hope she is doing well but I honestly want nothing to do with her.  I don't need to hear this garbage.  Is there something amiss with my thinking that she should not have sent baked goods to her family she publically smears, and that the cool ones should have refused to bring them on the basis of not getting involved?  Not only that, but that is was extremely rude of them to be discussing this at

length loudly in front of the rest of us when they know it is a sore subject?

I totally get why all of this would upset you so. Even without being present, you could say your sister was still the center of attention  The behavior of the 'cool ones' is frustrating indeed, especially considering they were the ones that introduced your sister to drugs.  It would definitely be more pleasant if they would behave differently but you unfortunately can't control their behavior. Perhaps what might help you is to set some new boundaries with the 'cool ones'. Based on the posts I've read from you, the 'cool ones' seem to have major issues when it comes to respecting boundaries in general. You already say that you have distanced yourself and your family from them, do you feel like there might still be some other boundaries you could set with them?

Take care

[sisterofbpd]

I totally get why all of this would upset you so. Even without being present, you could say your sister was still the center of attention

Thanks, and yes, she certainly was the center of attention, which is how I think she wanted it.  Isn't it bizarre that  someone with BPD wants you to leave them alone and when you comply they do their best to make sure you're thinking of them?

The behavior of the 'cool ones' is frustrating indeed, especially considering they were the ones that introduced your sister to drugs.  It would definitely be more pleasant if they would behave differently but you unfortunately can't control their behavior. Perhaps what might help you is to set some new boundaries with the 'cool ones'. Based on the posts I've read from you, the 'cool ones' seem to have major issues when it comes to respecting boundaries in general. You already say that you have distanced yourself and your family from them, do you feel like there might still be some other boundaries you could set with them?

It's frustrating for sure.  I really haven't been around any of them for a significant amount of time (an hour or more) in years, so this was the first time.  I had already told my parents that if BPDsis was invited (even though she told my Mom to die) that they can count me and my family out.  Not that I'm trying to get them to choose between us, I would be happy to visit with them at a different time, etc. So when I learned the "cool ones" were going to be there I took a deep breathe and just decided to grin and bear it.  I really don't think I can possibly set any more boundaries with them, without coming off rude anyway.  I could have just said, would you mind not discussing BPDsis as it's a sore subject for our FOO, but then the cakes and baked goods are still sitting there.

When my Mom asked me what was wrong, that I seemed quiet, I told her I was sick of hearing them discuss BPDsis.  It was as though she didn't understand how I could feel that way.  Her response was, "Well, she's not going to go away."  And I know that is true, but is is unrealistic of me to expect everyone to stop discussing anything about her when I am around?