At What Point Did You Say Enough

[vortex of confusion]

I have been hanging out on the Staying board to try to find ways to create peace and navigate things for the sake of the kids. It recently occurred to me that I have nothing to look forward to any more. I feel like I live one day at a time.

I have tried to talk to my husband about the possibility of us splitting up. He won't take a vacation. He won't leave the house for much. It is like he is completely oblivious to the fact that I want to be done with all of this. I mentioned the prospect of us splitting up and he said, "Oh, that isn't going to happen for a long time. We have to get in a better financial position to do that." It is like he is in complete denial that anything is wrong. He is doing what he usually does which is ignore it and hope it goes away.

How many of you left and how long did it take you to get to a point where you couldn't take it any more? I have been married to him for almost 17 years and have 4 kids.

Any insights would be helpful. I want to stick it out as long as possible but there are days when I wonder how much longer I am going to be able to live with his delusion of thinking that everything is okay. I haven't shared a room with him in several years.

[mks10]

When she sent me a text asking for money($200) for about the 5th time but refused to talk to me on phone or in person. I know that sounds like a small tipping point but I honestly was sick of her treating me like garbage.

[vortex of confusion]

When she sent me a text asking for money($200) for about the 5th time but refused to talk to me on phone or in person. I know that sounds like a small tipping point but I honestly was sick of her treating me like garbage.

How long had the two of you been together?

I can see myself refusing to talk to him. I worry that the only way to get him to see the reality of the situation is for me to turn into a jerk. I don't want to do that.

[Plonko]

I called it a day when I found out she was carrying on behind my back with another bloke. She didn't understand why I didn't like it and of course it was my fault for not tolerating it. When I told her I was leaving, she said she never would have done it if she'd known I'd leave. I left and she's still with him 9 months later.

[vortex of confusion]

I called it a day when I found out she was carrying on behind my back with another bloke. She didn't understand why I didn't like it and of course it was my fault for not tolerating it. When I told her I was leaving, she said she never would have done it if she'd known I'd leave. I left and she's still with him 9 months later.

My story is very twisted and I probably should have left 2 years ago when he insisted that we have an open marriage and then proceeded to push me to do stuff with people and then come home and tell him about it. There for a while, he could only get excited over me if I gave him details. I don't know how he could do those things and think that everything is okay. I have a friend on the side. I am not proud of it but I am not going to cut things off with my friend. My husband has given me a line of crap several different times. He would tell me that he was going to change and that things would get better, blah, blah, blah. I would stop talking to my friend and not have anything to do with him for a while and it changed nothing. If anything, it led to my husband ignoring me even more.

My husband is supposedly in recovery for sex addiction. He is supposed to be doing it for himself yet the minute I say or do something that makes him uncomfortable, he is online answering ads for women. It is supposed to be okay because I have a friend. I told him, "If your recovery is for you instead of me, then why do you go looking for somebody else every time I say or do something that you don't like?"

I realize that I have been really delusional for a long time. I am waking up from those delusions and wondering how in the world I am going to get out of this.

[Tibbles]

Hi, so sorry you are going through this. My story is we had been together 30yrs but the BPD was just getting worse and worse. I was at breaking point - just could not live with the stress and I had realised about a year ago that it made no difference what I did - the rages were just going to keep on coming. My tipping point was when our cat was run over. The drama that followed tipped me over and I left. We have two kids, they were 19 and 21 when I left. I too stayed for the sake of the kids, in hind sight I wish I had left 10 years earlier for their sake but I wasn't in a place where I could do that. At least when I did leave I was able see it through - only just at times - but they were old enough to cope with me struggling.

It's a hard place you are in, I really do feel for you. My guess is something will happen, either a crisis, or you will feel a shift inside and you will know - it's time to go. In the mean time look after yourself. Whether you stay or go you will need good support systems in place. Do you have a therapist? Can you build a friendship group independent of your partner that makes you feel good about you, that makes you laugh? I didn't talk about my dramas to my friends very much but I always had, and still do, have a good laugh with them and that helped so much, both before I left and especially after I left. Do some financially preparation - if you go you will need $.

For now maybe take the focus off the relationship and put it on you, what do you need and how can you look after you through all this, irrespective of whether you stay or go. You are worth it - remember that above all else.

[vortex of confusion]

For now maybe take the focus off the relationship and put it on you, what do you need and how can you look after you through all this, irrespective of whether you stay or go. You are worth it - remember that above all else.

Thanks Tibbles! I have slowly been working on me. I work two part time jobs now and I have my own bank account. I am slowly trying to pay certain bills out of my account and certain bills out of the joint account to get an idea of how much money I will need to support myself and the kids. My kids are still young (ages 6-13). I am afraid of ripping them out of a lifestyle that they are used to and totally devastating them. That is my biggest concern right now.

I don't even care about the relationship much any more. All I want is no fighting. I don't know how many times I have told him that I am done. I will stay married to him but it is in name only and I won't ask him to leave IF he can step it up and do basic things like keeping his word when he says that he is going to fix something crucial.

Here lately, I feel like something inside me has snapped. Not sure what it is but I do know that I am struggling inside. Very few people outside of these forums know what I am struggling with inside. I try my best to put on a happy face.

[Its My Time Now]

I remember crying every single morning when I walked the dog and nobody could see me. I thought that, at age 56, entering the job market, I could never make it without his financial support. Even though at times he would tell me he felt resentment having to provide for me.

Then, one day he came home and went to take a shower. When he came out, I told him "Boy, you were in there for a long time, you must have been cold and tired". I was trying to please him, trying to make him feel appreciated. His reply: "So what? I cannot even take showers now anymore?"

It was like something snapped in me and I realized that, no matter how hard I tried, I could never please him, for the very simple reason that he did not want to be pleased. He needed a mental punch bag, he needed to hate me. He would always look for a reason to pick a fight and he would always find one. It was a lost battle, period.

I asked him to move out and the next day, with the help of my child, I moved all his ___ to the garage. I turned our former bedroom, which was basically his, with his computer and his hobby stuff, into a Diva Cave. Believe it or not, he named it that. I went to a thrift store and bought the most feminine comforter set complete with curtains that I could find. I did a BPD exorcism and it felt great.

I had come to a point where no hardship could trump the hardship of being in a relationship with this guy. No poverty, no loneliness, no fear, no uncertainty.

Fast forward. I have found a job I love. I make ___ money, but my co workers are awesome. Every month is a struggle to make ends meet, but I do it. I cry as I type this, but they are tears of triumph. I have  long way to go, a lot of baggage to shed. I do not trust men. I refuse to go on  a diet, because I feel safe behind my extra pounds, knowing that I won't be a prospect trophy wife to anybody with this weight. I freak out when a guy starts to flirt. I see no room for a guy in my life at this point, even though I feel lonely at times. I just don't feel lonely enough to risk running into yet another friggin narcissist or Borderliner. And I am doing it all by myself. And so can you. You will surprise yourself time and again. It is scary as hell, but totally worth all the tears, the fear, the worry, all of it.

[mks10]

When she sent me a text asking for money($200) for about the 5th time but refused to talk to me on phone or in person. I know that sounds like a small tipping point but I honestly was sick of her treating me like garbage.

How long had the two of you been together?

I can see myself refusing to talk to him. I worry that the only way to get him to see the reality of the situation is for me to turn into a jerk. I don't want to do that.

We had been together over 3 years, almost 4 at that point. She was only communicating with me via text at the end and would always contact me about money because she was living so far above her means. I decided to call her bluff and she absolutely freaked out. For some reason my money was good enough for her but I was not. When I relayed that message to her, she was livid and has never spoken to me since. It's my understanding that CPS got involved with family over an issue a few months later and her ex-husband is now trying to gain full custody of a minor child. I have no idea what all happened nor do I care at this point. I'm guessing it was something pretty bad.

Prob off topic: is it fairly normal for someone with BPD to have serious issues with parenting?

[Its My Time Now]

"Prob off topic: is it fairly normal for someone with BPD to have serious issues with parenting?"

Mine did. He lacked parenting skills. He is an alcoholic as well and he screwed up raising his first two kids. He got sober and got his second ex wife pregnant before she left him. At this point, he could not blame his alcoholism for bad parenting anymore, because, after all, he was sober.

He overcompensated by showing strong favoritism toward his "sober" child, at the expense of the older two. She had to be perfect, because if she was not, then neither was his sobriety.

I think BPD people can be fickle in their parenting. My ex will try and get my son out of "storage" when he feels the need to be a parent. In his mind, however, he is a great parent to all three of his biological children and to my son.

[Infern0]

I've had a few.

The most recent and hopefully final one was I basically realized that nothing I do has any impact on her.  She was texting me that she loved me and wanted to be with me but she wasn't showing up.  I had to threaten to leave just to get her to "talk". And as usual she didn't have anything to say other than "I'm not sure,  I don't know what I want" there were a few other little jabs at my self esteem

I just realized I don't belive her anymore. I've given her more time than anyone ever should give someone. Every second more would be to disrespect myself further.  It had to end,  it should have 6 months ago but hope kept me hanging on.  I realized that she's a runaway train heading for a cliff. There is no hope left in me.  I let go.

[raisins3142]

The mental part was I realized very clearly that how I was and felt in the relationship was destroying me.

[once removed]

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/conquer-fear-flying/201312/borderline-personality-disorder-and-anticipatory-anxiety

particularly, the quotes from james masterson.

[vortex of confusion]

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/conquer-fear-flying/201312/borderline-personality-disorder-and-anticipatory-anxiety

particularly, the quotes from james masterson.

Thank you for this link! I just finished reading it. I could relate to the triad that is talked about. I want independence from my husband but the thought of actually doing it is so overwhelming that I keep giving up on the idea. I will be strong and resolute for a while and then I get sucked back in.

[Madison66]

Well, I began to withdraw from my uBPD/NPD ex gf of 3+ years about six months before I finally left the r/s for good.  The emotional abuse was getting rough and I was wearing down.  Then, about 2-3 weeks before the final breakup she raged and got physical with me.  I was shocked.  There was a failed family outing at which she wigged out and I had an "out of body" experience seeing myself driving away from the chaos and taking control of my life.  The next day there was an argument at which time she raged and got physical with me one last time.  That was it.  I closed the door on the abuse and my life changed forever.

[zundertowz]

I had enough with the constantly being kicked out with no where to go. I developed so much anxiety that I was constatly paranoid with being kicked out.  Plus she was asked 100 times to not contact my motther which she did constantly to bash me... .that along with being attacked.  It all kept happening like a routine and I finally had enough.

[mitatsu]

After looking after my wife at xmas whilst she had to work i cooked cleaned welcomed her home listened to her problems... once i went back to work on jan 5th she turned on me getting worse and worse until on feb 20th i walked out... .oh on jan 30th she threatened to cut us both into 'meat sculptures'... .yikes... .

[BorisAcusio]

About two years later than I should have.

[vortex of confusion]

I have been gradually pulling away for years.

Heck, there are times that I feel like I am trying to deliberately sabatoge things so he will leave. I have 4 kids to take care of and be responsible for. Finding housing for a single male is a heck of a lot easier than finding housing for a mom with 4 kids.

It seems like nothing I say ever gets through to him.

[Its My Time Now]

I am sorry you have to face this ordeal, Vortex. I know how overwhelming it can feel to pack up your family and leave. I only have one child and I stayed in our rented apartment. I can imagine how scary and draining it has to be for you. I hope you find a way out soon.

[Pingo]

I said enough when I knew in my heart that there was no fixing or changing our r/s and there would be no peace ever with such a troubled man. I just had to decide that I was worth more than that kind of existence. I wanted to have joy in my life. I wanted to be able to relax. I didn't want to give up my life for him.

[ReclaimingMyLife]

When he threatened my children (whom he had never met).  That was the deal breaker.  And as bad as it was, it has kept me from going back. 

[Invictus01]

When after she dumped me after 6 months I almost went insane because it felt so different that any other break up... .and I read up on personality disorders and realized that I don't have any hope to make it work... .

[JPH]

I wasn't married to my ex-BPD, but when I ended it when I learned of the cheating.

[Gonzalo]

The moment that really crystallized things for me was when she told me (for about the 18th time) that she was breaking things off with me... .and I felt pure relief. She can't even acknowledge that she broke up with me (she said I was being mean when I mentioned it), but that was it.