If you can’t change something...

[HappyChappy]

I read that if you can’t change something, then you must change the way you view it. But I’ve been struggling too long with accepting what happened to me as a child, as you may also have, so your help would be appreciated. The bit I’m stuck on, was that I was the scapegoat and my NPD bro was the GC. To the outside world, it was obvious my BPD mom was a very scary and her GC a creepy failure. He has no friends, never had a girlfriend (unless paying for it counts).  But despite this stark contrast, my BPD mom has managed to manipulate my dad and sister

It is the sense of injustice and the knowledge that my dad will die, never knowing who his kids were, that I stuggle with. I get wound up by all sorts of injustices, but realise I need to stop that. To this day, I still remember being overjoyed when I got my first black eye. I thought, “now my Dad will realise what those two do to me” But he was lead to believe I was really clumsy. I had so many black eyes I stopped counting.

I’ve been NC for 16 months, but my dad is dieing and in hospital. And my BPD mom refused to let us speek or visit without going through her and she is still angry and sulking because I told her to stop knocking my 7 year old son around. So how do I change the way I view this injustice ( and any injustice) ? Any Spin Drs out there ? Thanks in advance.

[Mike-X]

Wow. I am sorry to hear about your issues with your family. It is terrible that you felt overjoyed that the black eye would provide the evidence that you needed for your father to recognize the abuse that you had been experiencing.

I am not clear on what you want to change from. How are you currently viewing your situation with your family? It sounds like you view them as abusive people with serious problems that you should be avoiding, but I could be misreading what you wrote? Are you wanting to view them more positively?

What do you mean by "knocking your son around"?

[Kwamina]

Hi again HappyChappy,

Perhaps it can help you to take a look at the information we have here about 'radical acceptance'. Changing how you view things is indeed an option, but there are also others. Here are two excerpts from the text about radical acceptance that you might find useful:

Reality acceptance skills are the skills that you need when really painful events happen in your life. And you can't change the painful event.  You can't solve it. You can't make it go away. And, you can't turn it into a positive.  It's a negative that just won't become a positive.  And you're miserable.

When that happens, practice reality acceptance.

There may be an infinite number of really painful things that can happen to you. But there are not an infinite number of responses you can make to pain.  In fact, if you sit back and think about it, there are only four. There are only four things you can do when painful problems come into your life.

What do you think they are?  Think for a minute. A problem is in your life, pain, suffering, something you don't want in it.  How can you respond?

Well the first thing you could do is you could do is you could solve the problem.  You can figure out a way to either end the painful event or you could figure out a way to leave the situation that's so painful. That's the first thing you could do.  Solve the problem.

What's the second thing you could do?  You could try to change how you feel about the problem; to figure out a way to take a negative in your life and make it into a positive. Alright, so that's the second thing you could do.

What's your other option?  You could accept it.  So that's the third thing you can do. You could just accept the problem.

Ok.  That's not everything you could do. There is a fourth alternative. What do you think it is? You could stay miserable. That's the only other option you've got.

So you've got to either solve it, change how you feel about it, accept it, or stay miserable.

You can read the entire article here: FROM SUFFERING TO FREEDOM: PRACTICING REALITY ACCEPTANCE

I am very interested in hearing your thoughts on the concept of radical acceptance.

[HappyChappy]

Kwamina that radical acceptance is the way. I think bumping into my BPDm triggered my PTSD and got me a bit panicky. When calm, I note I’m half way to radical acceptance. I clearly need to stay NC until I mend more.

Mike-X by “knocking my son around” I meant slapping, punching, pushing both physically and mentaly.  As a young child, and behind closed doors my BPD and mainly my NPD bro were very violent to me, this stopped when I became old enough to hit back (they’re both cowards).  My brother is a masochist, he loves inflicting pain, he has a child like laught when he does it.

We’ve never allowed our kids alone with my PD relatives, so my NPD will knock my son to the floor “by mistake” or slap him repeatedly on the back of the head or hand. Always brushed off with a “don’t be so sensitive.” This triggers me, as in our view it’s bang out of order, in my FOO view my son’s needs taking down a peg or two. It’s his fault for “showing off”. 

But the BPD and NPD hound me for attention, and then immediately disrespect my family when they get that attention. We set boundaries, and they laugh at them. How do others deal with this ? As I understand it, it isn’t possible for a BPD to show respect. But we need to demand respect, to build self esteem. So how do you marry up those two conflicts ? 

We will be NC with the NPD, but not sure about the BPD mom.

[Mike-X]

Thanks for responding. I am really sorry for all that you have been through. What issues might you be "stuck" over with your family? Wanting respect seems to be one. Do you believe that demanding respect will actually get you the respect that you are longing for? That never worked with my ex-wife, by the  way.

Have you looked into self love and self validation?

[Harri]

Hi HappyC.  I am sorry to hear that your father is in hospital.  I know you have been wanting to have contact with him for a while now and your other family members have made visiting very difficult.  It must hurt a lot not to mention the frustration. 

I like the suggestion made by Kwamina for radical acceptance and for self-love and self-validation from MikeX.  I know you have and struggle with PTSD and I understand how much more difficult it can make such situations.  I wonder if you would consider a visit to the hospital without discussing it with your family as I do not see how your mother or brother can keep you from visiting a public place.  Would that be an option?  In certain difficult situations, I used to bring a trusted friend with me as a buffer of sorts (in this case, I would not suggest taking your wife or kids).  Not to involve the friend in anything, but to have another person present as that can often force the pwBPD to be on their best behavior while not requiring any extra effort or words on your part.

Would that be an option?