Said Goodbye Today

[cstoic]

For over a year, I questioned if something was wrong with me as I dealt with my exBPD. It wasn't until I started reading the posts on these forums that I finally felt somewhat sane again. I had really started to believe that the problem was me. I thought I would post and maybe get some support as I try to completely disconnect from my ex.

The first month of our relationship was great. I had never felt that level of adoration. Shortly after the fits of rage started. Everything I did seemed to trigger them. I was yelled at in private and public. Then there were lies about the simplest things. I started realizing that my ex really wasn't aware he was lying. There were things that happened that he clearly didn't remember. On the occasions when I tried to communicate my concerns, I was faced with either denial or silence.  I should have left and did try but  a combination of pity for my ex and the need for that initial adoration always kept me going back. It got to the point where I was just a shell of my former self, trying carefully not to say or do anything that might trigger my ex. I was so ashamed and embarrassed, I was unable to tell anyone. This is the first time I have shared my story. 

We broke up 5 months ago but nothing changed. We called ourself friends but we still acted like a couple. The rages continued. The lies continued. Finally, I confronted him and he told me to move on and date. When I did meet someone else I saw that my exBPD started getting jealous and trying to change. Stupidly, I stopped talking to the new person to see if I could make it work with my ex.

Fast forward to today. I decided that I wanted to give the relationship another try because I saw that my ex was really attempting to change, or so I thought. He admitted that he still had feelings for me. However, he told me that he wanted to take his life to the next level and had to keep me at a distance. I was so shocked and humiliated. Keep me at a distance? Thinking about all I had put up with and all I had suffered sent me into a rage.  I was rejected and told to move on again. I made a decision that today I would say goodbye to my ex for good. I did just that and the reply I got was "goodbye for now".

Right now my self-esteem is at an all time low. I feel like I was discarded. However, I know this is an opportunity to turn my life around. I am posting because I know there are people out there who know exactly how I feel right now. How do you move on? How do I make sure I don't fall back into the same cycle again.

[mitatsu]

Hi sorry for your situ its very similar to my own especially the 'seen moving on with someone else and my BPD got upset and wanted me back' yep i fell for that even married her... .6 months later i left after her kitchen sinking and rages got daily

well done for taking the first steps to getting yourself back... we are all here for you 

[Mutt]

Hi cstoic,



I'm so sorry you had to go through that. It's frustrating, confusing and emotionally exhausting when our partners with BPD invalidate our feelings and test our limits. I can relate.

The idealization phase of a relationship with a partner is intoxicating and we find ourselves repressing our feelings because we don't know if a gesture or action is going to set our partners off. A term that's coined that I think describes this feeling very well is "walking on eggshells".

A pwBPD are scared of the world and emotionally merge with their partners and project their negative feelings on their partners. You may find yourself eventually feeling depressed, with low self esteem and feeling angry. Don't be hard on yourself  I raged at my ex partner as well.

Often a pwBPD will test and continue to push the limits of their partners boundaries to see if the partner will abandon them. Your partner fears abandonment and engulfment. He wants intimacy and fears it as well and thinks that people that he cares for will eventually leave him; perceived or real and may end the relationship to avoid abandonment and push you away because he fears losing himself and annihilation.

The good news is that you can feel like your old self again  

I'm glad that you have found us. There is hope.

Are you finished?


Hang in there.


----Mutt

[Lucky Jim]

Hey cstoic, I'm sorry to hear that you are in pain.  I suggest that you be careful about keeping your boundaries while you are in a vulnerable state of low self-esteem.  In other words, you may be more susceptible to a recycle attempt, and it may be hard for you to resist if your Ex applies some form of F-O-G to get you back in the game.  The good new is that, if you stick with your plan, you will one day be grateful for making the break.  Yet I understand if it doesn't feel like that now.

LuckyJim

[cstoic]

I want to say thank you to everyone for the support! It has been hard. It was further complicated today because I ran into my ex (we live in the same area). I kept it cordial and later he sent me a text saying how good it was to see me. I realize I am in very vulnerable state right now so I am trying to keep my distance. I am trying to keep myself busy. I cant honestly say right now that I won't recycle but I know in the state I am right now, it would just be the same thing all over again. I want to feel good about myself again. Thanks everyone!

[mitatsu]

If you feel weak or low or just plumb confused get on here and ask/vent whatever you want we are here for you

Try and stay no contact as best you can it will help you heal quicker but dont worry if you slip up

stay strong 

[Beach_Babe]

Good news: he will be back. This is not the end.

Bad news: he will be back. This is not the end.

I know how it feels, and I'm so sorry now you are hurting.

You are clearly bright, capable and deserve much better than sloppy seconds.

[cstoic]

Good news: he will be back. This is not the end.

Bad news: he will be back. This is not the end.

I know how it feels, and I'm so sorry now you are hurting.

You are clearly bright, capable and deserve much better than sloppy seconds.

You are right. The texts are now coming daily. Yesterday's text was about how he feels he is a better person because of me and thanking me. Today's text asked what I was doing and a suggestion about a tv show I should watch (random I know). I keep reminding myself that I don't want to go back to that empty feeling.

[Grey Kitty]

I decided that I wanted to give the relationship another try because I saw that my ex was really attempting to change, or so I thought. He admitted that he still had feelings for me. However, he told me that he wanted to take his life to the next level and had to keep me at a distance.

Sorry you're going through this. Here's a little perspective.

He does still have feelings for you. He is/was willing to give the relationship a try.

While he may be attempting to change, it is slow at best... . and it is safer/wiser for you to assume that he's not going to change from who he is today.

Who he is is mentally ill, and with real difficulties being intimate with you (or anyone else). So his version of being in a relationship will include pushing you away when he's feeling engulfed... . and yanking you back when he's feeling abandoned... . and all the other things you have seen him do in the past.

You don't get to choose who he is.

You do get to choose what relationship you have with him (if any).

Deciding you want to have a relationship with "who he could be" isn't going to work well for you.

[Loosestrife]

Hi, sorry you're going through this. The words "for now" sent a shiver down my spine. He thinks he has had completed control over the relationship. Put your health first and please take care, you deserve the best.

[felix22]

I know how it feels, and I'm so sorry now you are hurting.

You are clearly bright, capable and deserve much better than sloppy seconds.

Yep, can't deny the sloppy seconds. Sad, but true.

[linfh789]

My dBPDH and I are separated. Like many BPD relationships ours was textbook. The incredible beginning where I could do no wrong and was the love of his life. I thought I had found my soul mate. Then raging over issues I couldnt even fathom why they would make him angry. Threatening to leave over and over. Packing his bags many times but not leaving. Projection, gaslighting and spewing awful, hateful things at me. Two short term separations one for three weeks and one for three months. Then he moved out in a rage. That was a year and a half ago with LC or NC. Two months ago he contacted me and we started to see each other and things have gone really well. Every time we see each other we have a truly great time. No sex on purpose so that we can take things slow. He's in counseling which was a huge revelation. Everything was going great and then he had a triggering moment, became distant and when I asked what was wrong he told me I needed to move on, that he wouldn't ever love me or anyone again. Now he is not contacting me at all.  I feel broken. The emotional roller coaster is unbearable. Two months ago I was starting to heal and find happiness again. I was laughing and going out with friends. I'm back to crying and sadness all over again. He doesn't understand why I can't just accept this. Can't imagine why? He was texting morning, noon and night. Talking about a future and how therapy was helping him. Making me feel like he was happy and excited for a new start. And now I'm back to this with no warning. I can't do it anymore. I would support him through his therapy if I thought it would help but he acts like he could never love me again. Maybe with therapy he can find someone to be happy with but it clearly won't be me. I've been painted black and white too many times. The damage is likely irreparable. I'm a successful, loving daughter, mother and friend. I have a good head on my shoulders and am so angry I allow myself to be treated this way. I wouldn't do this to an enemy let alone my spouse. You can call it push/pull or any other BPD term. I've learned them all in all there's months. Bottom line is that it may be an illness but he's a very high functioning BPD who knows right from wrong and there is no excuse for this.

[Indiegrl]

linfh789: That is a strong story. Thanks for sharing. Just wanted to tell you that  you seem to have a good overview of the situation, keep on developing that picture. And don't be too hard on yourself.

Have you read about the "understanding-driven lonely child"? For me, understanding the core wounds, drives and needs in myself is a way to understand why my ex was the exact right person I was looking for. I fulfilled my dreams, was my dreams come true. To mee, that is a way of forgiving both him and also myself for falling so hard, for adjusting myself too much, for letting my integrity take a hit.

Take care.