Married to BPD wife - heading to critical mass

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi and thanks for providing this forum for people to reach out and learn from. 

I have been married 8 years to my diagnosed BPD wife. 

From reading this site and many others like it - i can identify with the majority of others stories.

MY BPD when we first met had all of the hallmarks that we came to know and love - fun/liked anything/ outgoing etc... .She was on meds for OCD and anxiety which for some reason i rationalized away as "no big deal".  Her real symptoms didnt present themselves until we moved in together... .however since most of her projections were towards others, i still did not see the glaring red flags. 

Things took a turn for the worst when we finally got engaged - after 5 years dating (the fact i waited 5 years also a red flag).  She was a primary school teacher - and by was i mean she asked and i acquiesced to her quitting her job in order for her to plan the wedding (which was so taxing). 

I knew things werent right - saw the flags but had no context to put them into - i had already sunk way too much money into a diamond (which wasnt big enough for her and she upgraded on her own to a larger but more flawed diamond).  I suffered from a sort of inertia  - knowing on some level that things werent right but not willing to alter the course of this soon to be disaster.   

(as an aside - from reading way more than i ever thought i would on this issue - i realized i was definitely half the problem - my character defects and flaws and insecurities made me susceptible to not seeing the flags and having the fortitude to act.  This has risen to the fore for me - and has been my primary focus of attention - as addressing myself will be the only lever to finally finding peace)

Before the wedding i even tried to find a palm-reader / psychic and planned to get a reading.  (this was an absurd thought - thinking that i could get answers there... .the real sign i should have picked up on was the mere fact that i needed "psychic guidance".

She managed to find work after the wedding and was on fire to get pregnant - i went along.  She quit her job when she was 2 months pregnant - proceeded to have a high risk pregnancy and we had a beautiful baby girl.  (she went off her meds during the pregnancy - tried to stay off of them after the baby came - bad idea... .she went downhill fast and was hospitalized)

Multitudes of ups and downs came which i rationalized away, hid, and denied away.

Fast forward 2 years and we had another baby.  Again - me not being strong enough to see the situation for what it was.

Fast forward a few years and her symptoms are raging - i feel the crazy and question my own sanity... .i go on a quest for answers online - i found them.  It was like lightening bolt hitting me - altogether relieving and shackeling at the same time.  The why and what that had been going on and darkening my life was answered - the What am i gonna do and How am i gonna do it is what came next. 

My answer was to wait and see - i told her what i discovered and found the most non negative description online (wikipedia btw) and showed it to her in a positive way and asked her to bring this up to her psyche dr.  She did.  The Psyche agreed with me and explained it to her and said she was the text book case.  Wife did her own research and then fired her Psych and never went back to her.  Refused to accept the dx.

Fast forward a few more years - ive somehow managed to keep the wheels on the car - remained the primary breadwinner - became the primary house caretaker (Grade D) and the primary kid care giver (B+).  Leveraged career in order to be home and pay for housekeepers/ childcare/ etc.  It seemed the more i stepped up to do more because she wasnt doing it - the more she didnt/couldnt do.

(Aside - Spouse claims many maladies, spinal disorder, fibre myalgia, some other pain sydrome - doctors signed off on it and had her on progressively more narcotics since baby 2 - all in addition to a long list of psyche meds.  Spouse applied for and received SSD - which she uses to by stuff even though we are in debt)

I have isolated myself from friends and family and hid stuff best i could until i couldnt.  Spouse employs all of the BPD tactics - and to be absolutely honest... .i dont love her, dont want to be with her, and do everything i can to not provoke her and basically live an alternate version of myself to limit conflict.  I know that my character defects would have kept me with her until the end.  But the calculus changed when the kids became involved.  I couldnt stomach her anymore and am begining to see the effects of her on them.  It breaks my heart and is no longer tolerable for me to allow the situation to continue.  Her last bout of infidelity was fortunately in a very public way  and is document-able.  I have started building my history to present to the courts.  I am numb to her in many ways and have started to embrace radical acceptance - but its hard - and i fail at times and engage with her on her turf (and lose just for playing).  I need to do a better job at radical acceptance - but have taken the steps to mitigate her damage. 

My biggest weakness is i try to disengage and hide - its no longer acceptable to do so... .the kids are the piece that need protection - so i must engage - i need to keep moving. 

Im sorry for the woe-is-me, but i truely appreciate the place to do it.  I wish to encourage others - there is a way out but you cant stay on the "X" you have to continue driving through it.

Thank you

[Stylianos]

Hi and thanks for providing this forum for people to reach out and learn from. 

I have been married 8 years to my diagnosed BPD wife. 

From reading this site and many others like it - i can identify with the majority of others stories.

MY BPD when we first met had all of the hallmarks that we came to know and love - fun/liked anything/ outgoing etc... .She was on meds for OCD and anxiety which for some reason i rationalized away as "no big deal".  Her real symptoms didnt present themselves until we moved in together... .however since most of her projections were towards others, i still did not see the glaring red flags. 

Things took a turn for the worst when we finally got engaged - after 5 years dating (the fact i waited 5 years also a red flag).  She was a primary school teacher - and by was i mean she asked and i acquiesced to her quitting her job in order for her to plan the wedding (which was so taxing). 

I knew things werent right - saw the flags but had no context to put them into - i had already sunk way too much money into a diamond (which wasnt big enough for her and she upgraded on her own to a larger but more flawed diamond).  I suffered from a sort of inertia  - knowing on some level that things werent right but not willing to alter the course of this soon to be disaster.   

(as an aside - from reading way more than i ever thought i would on this issue - i realized i was definitely half the problem - my character defects and flaws and insecurities made me susceptible to not seeing the flags and having the fortitude to act.  This has risen to the fore for me - and has been my primary focus of attention - as addressing myself will be the only lever to finally finding peace)

Before the wedding i even tried to find a palm-reader / psychic and planned to get a reading.  (this was an absurd thought - thinking that i could get answers there... .the real sign i should have picked up on was the mere fact that i needed "psychic guidance".

She managed to find work after the wedding and was on fire to get pregnant - i went along.  She quit her job when she was 2 months pregnant - proceeded to have a high risk pregnancy and we had a beautiful baby girl.  (she went off her meds during the pregnancy - tried to stay off of them after the baby came - bad idea... .she went downhill fast and was hospitalized)

Multitudes of ups and downs came which i rationalized away, hid, and denied away.

Fast forward 2 years and we had another baby.  Again - me not being strong enough to see the situation for what it was.

Fast forward a few years and her symptoms are raging - i feel the crazy and question my own sanity... .i go on a quest for answers online - i found them.  It was like lightening bolt hitting me - altogether relieving and shackeling at the same time.  The why and what that had been going on and darkening my life was answered - the What am i gonna do and How am i gonna do it is what came next. 

My answer was to wait and see - i told her what i discovered and found the most non negative description online (wikipedia btw) and showed it to her in a positive way and asked her to bring this up to her psyche dr.  She did.  The Psyche agreed with me and explained it to her and said she was the text book case.  Wife did her own research and then fired her Psych and never went back to her.  Refused to accept the dx.

Fast forward a few more years - ive somehow managed to keep the wheels on the car - remained the primary breadwinner - became the primary house caretaker (Grade D) and the primary kid care giver (B+).  Leveraged career in order to be home and pay for housekeepers/ childcare/ etc.  It seemed the more i stepped up to do more because she wasnt doing it - the more she didnt/couldnt do.

(Aside - Spouse claims many maladies, spinal disorder, fibre myalgia, some other pain sydrome - doctors signed off on it and had her on progressively more narcotics since baby 2 - all in addition to a long list of psyche meds.  Spouse applied for and received SSD - which she uses to by stuff even though we are in debt)

I have isolated myself from friends and family and hid stuff best i could until i couldnt.  Spouse employs all of the BPD tactics - and to be absolutely honest... .i dont love her, dont want to be with her, and do everything i can to not provoke her and basically live an alternate version of myself to limit conflict.  I know that my character defects would have kept me with her until the end.  But the calculus changed when the kids became involved.  I couldnt stomach her anymore and am begining to see the effects of her on them.  It breaks my heart and is no longer tolerable for me to allow the situation to continue.  Her last bout of infidelity was fortunately in a very public way  and is document-able.  I have started building my history to present to the courts.  I am numb to her in many ways and have started to embrace radical acceptance - but its hard - and i fail at times and engage with her on her turf (and lose just for playing).  I need to do a better job at radical acceptance - but have taken the steps to mitigate her damage. 

My biggest weakness is i try to disengage and hide - its no longer acceptable to do so... .the kids are the piece that need protection - so i must engage - i need to keep moving. 

Im sorry for the woe-is-me, but i truely appreciate the place to do it.  I wish to encourage others - there is a way out but you cant stay on the "X" you have to continue driving through it.

Thank you

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[lolli]

 

Im sorry for the woe-is-me

I'm really sorry you've had to go through all of this.  I just wanted to say, I don't think you're being "woe-is-me" at all.  In fact, I think you're being way too hard on yourself.  I understand you want to acknowledge whatever part you feel like you've had in your relationship, but you sound like you're taking on most of the responsibility, and that's not very fair to you.  If it was so easy to see and recognize these red flags and so simple to deal with them, then these boards probably wouldn't have any posts on them.  It's not easy to recognize a red flag when you love someone, and it's not easy to just walk away, even if that's what you want to do. 

[Theo41]

Stylianos, You are no longer alone. There are many of us on this site that have walked your walk or one similar to it. We wonder why and how this happened. We tend to beat ourselves up for allowing it to happen and we know others observe it and wonder the same thing. There are no easy answers. For myself: I was a Boy Scout (Eagle). Always want to do the right thing. Put others first, etc.  i grew up walking on eggshells due to a uBPDfather, who was also a ranger and drinker. This was my world so I was accustomed to it when I found myself living in a similar situation 3 months after I got married to my pregnant wife. We went on to have another child, and live a successful life. ( my wife is high functioning, she has many positive qualities, and I had a great career). Decades have passed. Would I do it again? As most others have said in a recent poll on this site: No I would not. One of the main reasons is that the children do NOT deserve to live in a dysfunctional household with a raging and hurtful mother. Both are grown now. They have both been in therapy and maintain their distance. One reason I have not left is that One of her BPD traits is pathological fear of abandonment. When on several occasions I had enough, packed a bag and walked out... .I was back in less than 24 hours. She's very smart and has used every trick in the book to get me turned around including claiming a nervous breakdown, threatening suicide, and threatening to ruin my reputation on one extreme occasion. I didn't have the strength to follow through. I folded. I have many rationalizations including that were both to old to start over... .and we are. You, my friend are not. The other major reason I would not repeat the same mistake ( the first being the welfare of the children mentioned above) is that each person deserves to have a reasonable life. To constantly walk on eggshells in a dysfunctional  frequently hurtful relationship is not living, at best it's a bare and painful existance. No one shoul feel bad about removing themselves from that. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your kids. THEO

[Stylianos]

Lolli and Theo - thank you... .i truely appreciate your input.  Ive worked hard to banish the projections that have come... .but i am sure some of them stick around longer than others.

Lolli you are absolutely correct in noting that if we were supposed to know this stuff ahead of time we wouldnt be here. 

Theo - I suffer from quite a bit of rationalizing as well - and it seems like every time i hit my point - my red lines and start taking actions to separate my kids and myself... .she shifts backwards and makes me question my decision.  I dont even think she consciously does this, and believe that she believes herself (she has these moments of lucidity/empathy but they are fleeting and rare).

I work in law enforcement and have a fair amount of the white knight syndrome.  This causes me to take on far more than is possible.  your sentence ":)ecades have passed." scared me. my kids are getting so big and im seeing time in a way i havent before.  I agree with you on all points, and am striving to be strong on the level i need to be to break out vs. strong to keep enduring.

Thank you both and know that i am pulling for you as well.

best regards,

S