uBPDexgf behavior at work

[simpleman]

Hi All,

I am 3 weeks and 2 days out of a 7 mo relationship with my gf.  The relationship evolved just as described in the How a Borderline Relationship Evolves article. 

I have posted here before that I can only go LC because we work in the same building.

With the help of all of you and my awesome T that is seeing me 2 times a week I have got to the point where I don't long for her so much or what I thought she was in the beginning.  I feel mainly hurt and anger.  It has taken work to get there because it is hard for me to get angry at anyone.  I am being careful not to stay there long and just learn the lesson from it.

Anyway, I have mentioned here before that she makes it a point to come to my side of the building to appear like the happiest person in the world while going out of her way to ignore me.  She had told me that she puts on that mask for people at work.  It is really extreme.  Also, I made the mistake of telling her once while she had split me to bad that she could destroy me by looking so happy while she knew I was hurting.

Intellectually I can see this for what it is.  While we were together, she would constantly cut coworkers down.  There is one guy at work who had a crush on her and who she knew that I didn't like that she is total buds with now.  She and I went to high school together but did not know each other.  When we first got together she went around telling people that we went to prom together and tried to date but she didn't know what she wanted at the time (That was red flag #1 by the way). She is very high functioning and successful at her job so that makes it worse.  She reminds me of a sleezy politician.

I don't want to leave my job and I feel as time goes on that won't be necessary.  Maybe I am just having a weak day.

Anyway, I know what she's doing but it still hurts.  I know it is textbook BPD that I can be her world one minute and the next I am satan.  When I communicate with her I am very professional.  Nothing personal.

I also worry a little because she has more opportunity to try to recycle if she chooses.  I feel like I could say no to that but I also know I did some things that were so out of character for me during the relationship.  I allowed myself to be controlled, verbally abused, etc so I don't totally trust myself yet.

I HATE hearing her voice.  So fake.

Thanks for listening to me vent.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey simple-

I worked with my ex too, and while I found the strength to deal with it, it was still a massive relief the day she got fired, which was months after we broke up.  I understand, and the main tool I used was to dive more into work, which my employer appreciated.

I also worry a little because she has more opportunity to try to recycle if she chooses.  I feel like I could say no to that but I also know I did some things that were so out of character for me during the relationship.  I allowed myself to be controlled, verbally abused, etc so I don't totally trust myself yet.

Good awareness here and honesty about maybe not being able to trust yourself.  It takes two to recycle, she's only in control of that if you let her be, and this situation is an opportunity to take your power back, maybe it gives you motivation you wouldn't have if she was out of your life completely.  Asking questions like 'how can I use this?' can help direct your focus, as well as adopting the beliefs 'everything happens for a reason and it serves us' and 'nothing happens to us, it happens for us.'  Hang in there, and take care of you!

[simpleman]

fromheeltoheal,

Opportunity - I like that thanks.  I am also trying to use this as reinforcement that I don't want to be with her.  For a long time it was "I can't be with her because of the BPD" and that was painful as anything.  Now it is way more on the side of "I don't want to be with her"  That feels better. 

Thanks again.

[simpleman]

One more thing.  You said that you dove into your work to cope.  One thing that surprised me after the breakup is how much more productive I was at my accounting job.  This is right after it happened when I was still in deep deep pain and could hardly concentrate.  In the relationship when I was "happy" my performance was really bad.  I don't know how my supervisor didn't see it.  I look back at some work I did during the relationship and WOW.

[fromheeltoheal]

Yes, she is not her disorder, and focusing on the disorder can cause you to have sympathy for her, maybe try to rescue her, but focusing on her and holding her accountable for who she shows up as gives her responsibility; yes, she may have a disorder but she's still responsible for her behaviors, and if those are unacceptable to us, time to move on.  You might look at how her behaviors now feed into that and use it to steel your resolve, you do hate her fake voice, for example.