Dealing with BPD step mum

[thequad]

My dad married a BPD 12 years ago, last year he died very quickly from cancer. The day he went into hospital to get his results his wife rang my brother raging that she couldn't take it anymore and wanted to leave my dad as she'd had enough. The house they lived in became the focal point of her rage, she blamed the house and him for all her misery.

From the start she harangued him about his will. It didn't matter how many times my dad told her what was in the will she still accused him of lying and leaving her with nothing. He couldn't make phone calls without her listening in and making accusations. We were aware of what was going on but obviously she wouldn't do it in front of us. She'd had these kind of blow ups all through their marriage. We were powerless to do anything unless he asked us to help, so it was extremely stressful as we were also dealing with the fact he had a matter of weeks to live.

Initially we'd come on weekends but then it got so bad we decided we couldn't leave him on his own with her. So we did shifts staying with them for a few days per week each so there was always one of us there. Even then she'd go into his room at night and harangue him without our knowledge. We might find out a few days later when he mentioned it. On one occasion he wanted her to leave because he'd had enough and she went off for a week to a retreat to calm down.

Even with his care she seemed resentful of any changes to the house, like when we needed to get hospital bed in the living room as he couldn't sit up comfortably, she saw this as an inconvenience to her rather than putting his needs first. In the end she lost it again in front of my brother and he had to get her out of the house, she wouldn't go until my dad told her to leave as he couldn't take it anymore. This time she stayed away for the rest of the time until he died.

We did stay in touch via her daughter and allowed her to see him the day before he died because he wanted to make peace. Her children were reluctant to get involved and we practically had to demand that they sort it out. Now we are left as executors of the will, she has her own property and income from renting it out and according to the will is allowed to stay in the marital home until she dies. She has demanded to see the will and letter of wishes, we sent her the will but refrained from sending the letter of wishes as it was confidential and not for her, my dad didn't want her to see it.

The only reason he went to great lengths to keep her out of his affairs was her complete instability and inability to be rational or even practical about things. We've already had solicitors letter from her wanting clarification even though we've told her what's in the will and what will happen, she clearly thinks she is getting more. It causing us great pain, she made the last weeks of my dads life awful, she caused us so much stress and upset. What should have been a special time was ruined.

My brother is taking it very badly, he's extremely angry and wants to use our discretionary powers to not give her any of the money my dad set aside. I don't know how to feel about it, I know towards the end he considered cutting her out of his will, but he was so weak it was too difficult to do that. Has anyone else been through a similar experience?

[livednlearned]

Hi thequad,

I'm so sorry for your loss  :'( and that at the end of your father's life there was conflict of this magnitude, that his wife could not handle what was happening with emotional maturity. I'm glad that you and your brother were able to care for him and protect him when your dad needed you most.

I haven't experienced what you're going through. I do understand what it's like to engage in the court system with someone who is high conflict. Bill Eddy, a former social worker who went onto become a family law attorney, created the High Conflict Institute (www.highconflictinstitute.com) to help people like us understand how to manage high-conflict personalities (HCPs) in the court system. He describes HCPs as people with personality disorders who recruit negative advocates, are persuasive blamers, and find a target of blame to focus on. I'm mentioning this because a person with BPD is not necessarily a high conflict personality, although HCPs tend to have personality disorders. It's good to take a look at Eddy's site and determine whether you think your father's widow is a HCP.

If so, she will buckle down and try to win for all she's worth, which is emotionally draining and keeps you mired in negative engagement and the legal system. No one wins in this scenario.

People with BPD do not have the capacity to process grief and sadness -- they can instead become vengeful and spiteful. Sometimes, validation can work, although understandably you may not feel the desire to apply these skills right now given all that you've been through. Essentially, you would have to recognize that she cannot get emotional resolution in normal, emotionally healthy ways, so you instead validate her feelings, which is acknowledging and accepting how she feels. Then -- and this is important -- you enforce a boundary.

Because people with BPD have an excessive fear of abandonment, she is likely not managing the death of your father, and may target you as a way to transfer her feelings. It might be worth consulting with a lawyer to find out what she could possibly do -- the worse-case scenario. And consider how cease-and-desist or restraining orders if she continues to harass you.

So two different strategies. One is to give her some emotional satisfaction, and the other is to go straight for a legal boundary. Since she made the end of your father's life so difficult, it would be understandable if you chose to deal with her legally, but you want to be sure that she does not have a way to stay engaged with you through the courts.

[ForeverDad]

People with BPD do not have the capacity to process grief and sadness -- they can instead become vengeful and spiteful. Sometimes, validation can work, although understandably you may not feel the desire to apply these skills right now given all that you've been through. Essentially, you would have to recognize that she cannot get emotional resolution in normal, emotionally healthy ways, so you instead validate her feelings, which is acknowledging and accepting how she feels. Then -- and this is important -- you enforce a boundary.

Because people with BPD have an excessive fear of abandonment, she is likely not managing the death of your father, and may target you as a way to transfer her feelings. It might be worth consulting with a lawyer to find out what she could possibly do -- the worse-case scenario. And consider how cease-and-desist or restraining orders if she continues to harass you.

So two different strategies. One is to give her some emotional satisfaction, and the other is to go straight for a legal boundary. Since she made the end of your father's life so difficult, it would be understandable if you chose to deal with her legally, but you want to be sure that she does not have a way to stay engaged with you through the courts.

In a multitude of counselors there exists wisdom... .  You get perspective, objectivity and often an assortment of strategies to consider.

But boundaries are essential.  As noted above, the right kind of validation (I can understand how you feel, it must really feel bad, BUT this is what it will be... .) might help a little but I suspect you'll need to lean on the legal-mostly approach as time goes on.  Have firm boundaries, don't let her guilt you about them.  Be very careful if you ever try to be 'reasonable' and make concessions for her.  Reasonableness will only be seen as boundary weakness and invite yet more demands.

It sounds like you'll need to separate your lives from hers as much as possible, if only for your peace of mind.

[livednlearned]

Legal resolution... .I don't know. It took me 4 years to get legal resolution, so you have to weigh that into your decision-making. Maybe with your situation, it won't go that way. If your BPD is high-conflict, it could drag on. Now you have a pain in the butt multiplied by a zillion through the legal system.

An example of how things can go: my ex was ordered to pay off a small amount of credit card debt. The way it was phrased in the order made it sound like once the card had a zero balance, the card would be canceled.

Except that card had an amazingly low interest rate, something I knew because I was the person in our relationship who focused on that kind of thing. I was the one who found the card, and I wanted to keep it. So when N/BPDx paid off the amount, he went on a rampage about how I didn't close the account. His lawyer sent multiple emails, formal letters, and I had to get Capital One to send formal letters. To prove that there was no liability to N/BPDx -- he was legally, officially, technically, 100 percent no longer associated with that card. Also, why did I have to prove that he was no longer on the card?  A normal person would take the time to double-check. Not N/BPDx. He was willing to rack of legal expense because it was negative engagement, and that mattered more to him than anything else.

High-conflict people aren't focused on what is reasonable, they are focused on negative engagement. My ex was determined to make sure that if he could not use that card, then I couldn't either. That incident was the first in many that made his L question him -- eventually he withdrew his services.

I could go on and on! Getting the title to my car, which was court-ordered, involved 3 trips to court, 5 trips to the department of motor vehicles, and over a thousand dollars in legal costs. Giving my ex the house -- giving! -- took 2 trips to court and I had to hire a real estate attorney on top of my regular family law attorney. That led to motions for contempt, in which I received sanctions to have my legal fees paid for by N/BPDx. Which led to more motions of contempt for not paying the legal fees. Gah!

Another thing to keep in mind is that no matter how much you comply, she will not stop. So you pay a lot of money to have the courts help you, and then she just finds another irrational thing to take you to court for, and you -- even though it's a bogus claim -- have to hire a lawyer to defend yourself.

Boundaries are key. Do not engage with her like a mentally healthy person -- do not try to reason. Take a look at Bill Eddy's site about how to write email to HCPs. There's an art and a science to establishing boundaries, a really important skill to have.