Talking to the ex's family - need advice

[sbr1050]

My uBPDexbf and I were together for 18 years.  He is very close to his sister (he is 62, she is 60), who lives 40 minutes away and he meets for breakfast from time to time. He also has a brother that lives out of state but their parents passed away many years ago. I always really liked his sister and I believe that she always liked me. I  always felt that, while she was extremely accepting of his behavior, how he acted, how he raised his children, she was his sounding board and I know they talked about deep subjects (relationships, meaning of life, the right way to live, morals, etc). She would share self help books with him.  I used to even tease him when he met her for a 3 hour breakfast (before I even realized how true it actually was), that he was off to see his therapist.

Over the last year and a half, as I have pieced together what the issues actually were in our relationship, I have figured out, without a doubt, his behavior, in our relationship, was BPD. I don't minimize my shortcomings in the relationship but I know that the BPD escalated every issue there ever was. 

He feels he has moved on and is happy (dating a 23 year old, etc, etc) and I am working on fixing myself.  While I long for what I dreamed of for us together, I have come to accept that he is not the person I thought he was and without a lot of therapy on his part, I can not ever see getting back together with him (I feel embarrassment, and even shame, on how he has, and is, behaving and how stupid I was for not realizing is all earlier).

A part of me wants to talk or write to his sister to explain what I have come to realize.  I keep exploring my own reasons for even entertaining that thought and I honestly believe it is out of concern for him, his children and those around him. I also feel that it would be closure for me in a way.  I always thought highly of the sister and know that at this point, her view of me may or may not be very skewed from what he has told her. Two years ago, when I danced at a wedding with his brother, the brother told me he wished that my ex and I could work things out.  I just smiled and said I hope so too.  His family are good people.  I just don't think they have any idea what goes on in their brother's personal life.

My own sister's bf wrote such a letter to my parents about my sister (she is not BPD but there are other mental issues) and it was so touching to me that he wrote what he did.  It was nothing but concern.  I just don't know if I did this it would be seen as the same thing now that he has supposedly moved on.  Will it just look like jealousy on my part?

The other part of me says, let sleeping dogs lie - it is his life and I cannot help him anymore.  I fear that I will be seen as the crazy or meddling one for suggesting any of this.  Or that I am the one have trouble letting go. 

Any thoughts or experience with this?

[valet]

I think that you'd really have to consider whether or not his sister would betray your trust in her and rat you out to your ex. From what you've described, it seems as if she is a caring, reasonable person, but one can never be sure. You'd also have to think about what you want in regards to a friendship with your ex. If you're willing to lose that opportunity for a while (or perhaps forever), than you might as well just get in touch with the gal, because then it wouldn't really matter how she treated the situation.

Always, however, as I'm sure you know, be tactful in your dealings with his family, and really think about the confidence of this matter. If he found out, would it be damaging to your current relationship with him? I know that if I went behind my ex's back trying to talk to her family about her problems, she would absolutely lose it and I would probably not get the chance to even talk to her for a very, very long time. In a way, this is busting his boundaries, which isn't fair for obvious reasons.

The verdict: just ask him if it's ok, and if it's not, leave it alone.

[sbr1050]

You are absolutely right.  I think I will let this go.  My ex does not appear to want anything to do with me anymore.

Thanks!

[Pingo]

Hi sbr1050 and welcome to bpdfamily!

In my experience it doesn't go over well. After my first h (a non) and I broke up I wrote a letter to his family... .never got a reply or response. My ex's family was aware of the problems but either didn't want to get involved or their loyalty was with their brother/son... .

With my uBPDexh, I was also tempted to contact the family and considered a letter. I decided not to because I couldn't see how it would benefit my healing. It would keep me engaged with him and I also worried about him getting mad and retaliating if he found out. It wasn't worth the risk. His healing is his own business and I'm done being caretaker.