Want to Break NC - Please help.

[Beach_Babe]

Another night of no sleep. When I do sleep I have horrible nightmares and wake up screaming.

He is gone. Forever. I have been smeared to high heaven. He literally hates me and is glad I am gone.

Other people like mutual friend are wonderful. I am s(#t  

14 years of my life so intertwined with this person. They will never see or speak to me again after I bought 6 *#&#(  plane tickets to try come see them this year... .that trip will never happen now, and maybe my behavior had a part in it.

Its too much.

Please someone help me so I don't break NC. Because if I do one of three things happen:

a) I get ignored, feel worse, do not pass go do not collect 200.

b) I get a cold/ nasty response, possibly followed up by more threats.

c) I see the number was changed. The end is final. I am devastated.

C is less likely. He would never change his number. I am not worth that kind of effort. He will never take my call or respond like a human being now. He has a great new job starting. He feels like a person. Of course not. And he will never see me again. No to even get a crumb of a response I will have to wait until he gets fired from the job or things go sour with the new people. Months. A year. Maybe never. What an awful thing to have to wish for, someone to fail just so they will talk to you. That's how it was, but at least before I knew he would come back. Now probably not.

The pain is unbearable. Sudden bouts of crying. Intermittent panic attacks. Apathy.  I try so hard to stay busy but when I stop moving it hits me, and hits hard. I meant nothing to this person, that I loved so much. Here I suffer and for them, the sun is shining the birds are singing life is happy. I have already been though so much this year (several family deaths, serious illness) without BPD. Now I have to process more pain too. Who does this?  Who leaves someone when they most need support. He abandoned me. Wouldn't even take my call from a hospital bed. I was willing to give his who*e of a mother my kidney (she is currently on dialysis). Its too much. I cant. I cant breathe. I cant move.  I cant imagine the next year like this. I don't want to. I am so bad off, I actually think I need to be hospitalized. I don't know what to do. I made an appointment to get medication from the doctor, but that's two weeks away.

The pain. I feel so isolated. No one wants to hear me moan and cry about it anymore. I don't want to wake up. The pain is so overwhelming I have actually toyed with the idea of paying his cell phone bill in the hopes he will talk to or even respond to me. 125 bill. I feel that desperate. Please tell me this is a bad dream. Oh god... .

[Infared]

Please read the thread "why do they always come back" it may help... .

I know that your pain is real... .and I experienced it, too.

My heart goes out to you!   

[Beach_Babe]

Ok.

[FlSunshineGirl]

We've all been there beach babe and are all in various forms of healing. But it does hurt really bad! But it will get better!

Ha Infared! Good advice.

[Infared]

Ok.

It takes time. I found a good therapist and she helped me work through my pain.  I know that right now you think the pain will never end... .but it will get better with time.

I got in a self-help group and did group therapy, too.

Like you I had multiple negatives pile up on me till I thought that I would break.

I lost my job (thru no fault of my own)...

My ex ran off with her new supply

I had to move out of our home

Then my Mom got ill and slowly died.

It was a rough year... .but I got thru in and made some incredible friendships.

You can do this , too!  

[Infared]

We've all been there beach babe and are all in various forms of healing. But it does hurt really bad! But it will get better!

Ha Infared! Good advice.

 

[FlSunshineGirl]

Beach Babe, what are some things you enjoy?

Do you live near a beach? Maybe go over and spend the afternoon in the sun.

Do you like to read? Do you like coffee? Treat yourself to your favorite coffee drink and find a nice relaxing place to read a good book.

Do you have any hobbies? Rekindle a passion for a hobby you've not done in awhile.

I love to go to those coffee or wine and canvas places and take some friends and create something beautiful.

Treat yourself to a smoothie and a pedicure!

Or best of all, I find when I'm really down and I do something for someone else it takes the focus off of me and I find joy in it.

Surprise a loved one or friend with a desert or dinner that you made.

Find a group that feeds the homeless and participate.

These things have worked wonders for me.

 

[mitatsu]

Whatever you decide is best for you... .we will be here to help 

[Heldfast]

Beach Babe, I reached out and reached out and reached out. I validated, I accepted, and I offered understanding. I received 1 phone call of such cold, smug, hatred, that I couldn't believe it was her. And in many ways, it wasn't. The defense mechanisms they have make it near impossible for them, at least until they return to their emotional base line. Just you Beach Babe, that's all you have control over. Be it meditation, sports, travel, whatever it takes to get you out of your funk, please take care of yourself. Maybe you'll find a better you out of that shell of focusing on what's lost. Good luck. Godspeed.

[Infared]

"Or best of all, I find when I'm really down and I do something for someone else it takes the focus off of me and I find joy in it. "

Now your talkin!

[Beach_Babe]

Those are great responses, thank you so much. If I could just get dressed and myself out of bed today that would be step. And I just cant. I do have a therapist however they don't seem to understand much about BPD, so it doesn't help really. I don't know anymore.


Please remind me why I cant pay his phone bill. Why it will backfire?

[confusedwoman]

Oh beachbabe, I had no idea you felt this badly. Try and maintain your strength. Don't go back to square one. And try and think of how you will feel if you pay his cell phone bill, and be devalues you afterward. Try to stay on track and in control of your own power.

[Maternus]

Please someone help me so I don't break NC. Because if I do one of three things happen:

a) I get ignored, feel worse, do not pass go do not collect 200.

b) I get a cold/ nasty response, possibly followed up by more threats.

c) I see the number was changed. The end is final. I am devastated.

I had to break NC in the first month after the breakup because of the "organizational unbundling". It was about four times I had to come to "our" house and see her. And every time I had the hope, that she will change her mind or at least will talk to me and give me closure. Nothing like this happened, she became colder and colder every time I saw her, in the end she was totally hostile.

What I want to say: Breaking NC after a breakup with a pwBPD is hurtful most of the time. I had to break NC, it was painful but in the long run it helped me to stay NC after everything was settled. It was a relief not to have to see her again. Maybe we some of us have to go through this painful experiences to see the truth: The person we loved once is not there anymore. They show us their real self after the breakup, but we can't believe it.

[dagwoodbowser]

Beach_Babe... 4 time Recycle Blackbelt here over an almost 3 year period. Been Exactly where you are. Especially my 1st recycle. 2nd and 3rd I stopped the chasing, the pleading and the obsessing after I educated myself and learned that you actually push them farther away cause they are like turtles. Once spooked, they go into their shells and when and only when they decide to get out of shell will they do so. Could be 2 weeks, 2 months or 2 years. It's on their time, not yours. Poking at them only keeps in there longer. You also validate them. This is a little game of theirs that they are Masters at. They have learned to get the very reaction that majority of people do when they are ignored. Knock on door more, louder and with more intensity. The longer you stop knocking on the door, they will go open door and see why no one is knocking. Yes, it's counter intuitive, but this is how it is.

What I did was walked away and never looked back, went into total N/C and sure enough after about 20 days, she would send a text or an email. I purchased a calender where I could scribble notes on each day. The first 10 days are the worst, but before you know it you're on day 30. My bigger problem in all this is I personally got wrapped up in "The N/C Game." Hide and Seek, Tag. I thought I was soo smart and actually encouraged her to come to me by using N/C. Big mistake! By my 3rd recycle, I thought I had it down pat, was playing the game well but they will always have the upper hand. In each instance she was back in life after about 90 days post break-up. Each re-hook up was the same. She used sex, gooey emails and texts to hook me, took what she wanted and after 4-6 months walked off when she had her fill of me. This last drop was on Valentines and it almost cost me my life because I felt soo stupid, used, abused, etc. that I almost took my own life.

N/C is for you to regain composure, learn and get well. It's about creating distance and detachment from a toxic individual that is there for their needs, not yours. I learned the hard way. Use N/C for you, not them.

[Infared]

Dagwood:"I learned the hard way. Use N/C for you, not them."

Good advice... .and remember as well, your therapist is there to work on you and for your growth... .not the BPD's.

Simple stuff... .but

Tough stuff!

[Beach_Babe]

confusedwoman: so true I sent him a gift certificate last month for his birthday and he didn't even acknowledge it. That was 20. I can't imagine how 100 would feel.

Maternus: your story was very helpful. Mine also became  cold and hostile. I am in a state of disbelief!

Dagwood: Why would he find the chase "validating"? Doesn't he just want me to go away?

Infared: In what "hard way" did you learn? What did she do?

Thank you,  everyone, for your responses. I am feeling a bit better tonight. ♡

[dagwoodbowser]

Dagwood: Why would he find the chase "validating"? Doesn't he just want me to go away?

Beach_Babe, it's a power trip game that BPD's seem to realize either by accident or practice that is effective for them. They know and understand that if they back away you will come. Yes, in a way it's a form of fleeing from what triggers them(you), but they still want your attention. By validating I mean the very minute that you re-engage, you're giving them the attention they're craving, which instantly makes them think they still deserve your love and care--even when you're desperately trying to recover from their abuses. When you stop taking or returning their calls, they can't stand this loss of control, so they flip-flop between wanting you and despising you. The Borderline will try every tactic and trick in the book, to get you to respond. I know this because after I was dropped the 2nd time I had decided I was done. I stopped responding and she only amplified her attempts. I eventually gave in cause the texts, the voice mails were getting more and more frantic and I was genuinely concerned. Unfortunately, I didnt realize at the time it was all an act to get my attention and what she wanted. She made promises that were initially kept, but once she realized she had me back under her thumb it was back to the same old same old.

They are bullies and bulldozers. Think of a 4 year old that doesnt get what they want but them in a adult body. That's how you have to treat them and deal with them. I've learned a lot, but at a very high price. I simply dont want to do it anymore so this time I got a phone app called Blacklist which blocks her number, texts, unknown numbers and private. Email setting on Google will simply delete here known address' and I moved. She doesnt know my new address.

Borderlines HATE being Ignored! The only satisfaction/revenge you'll ever get with a Borderline, is to shut them out/ignore them completely. I'm doing it not as revenge but because the last go round almost killed me. I was soo ready to do myself in. Toxic, toxic, toxic... So, you've heard me out, you've read a lot of these posts here and you have to see a pattern. It wont stop, it wont end unless you the Non-BPD make it stop and every time you hit the ball across the net you're playing with fire. I have a college degree, she doesnt. I am intelligent, but she is a Master Manipulater and every time I "think" I have the upper hand she won me out because I had Empathy, something BPD's lack so they play to win at any cost including using the cops, false reports, lies, deception, you name it, I experienced it. In the end, it's your call. I gave it 4 trys and each and every time it was the same thing. Like an alcoholic I am back to day 30+ of N/C and each day is a new challenge. In each previous case she started coming at me hard around day 80-90 and I caved, so this time I built a force field to keep her out!

Wish me luck as I wish you the same...

[Infared]

confusedwoman: so true I sent him a gift certificate last month for his birthday and he didn't even acknowledge it. That was 20. I can't imagine how 100 would feel.


Infared: In what "hard way" did you learn? What did she do?

Thank you,  everyone, for your responses. I am feeling a bit better tonight. ♡

Well, I was in an extreme amount of pain. I just thought the world of my ex, but she had cheated on me and ran out of a 5-yr. relationship with someone else  and had lied about it, etc. etc., etc.    She was an expert manipulator, just as Dagwood describes his. Ruthless.  She was completely attached to her new supply before she left our home, so initially I was in total shock and confusion as to the abrupt departure... but as time went on, I saw how I had been duped. ... .and it was just so painful to realize that this person who I thought was such an angel in my life was this selfish, heartless, lying, cheating manipulator. Stone cold. I just kept fighting accepting who this person actually was. The lack of empathy, the cruel coldness after the connection to the new supply.  My head slowly got it... .but I do not think my heart ever will, and therefore I had to be extremely careful about contact with this person as, now I believe they were just toying with me, and enjoying themselves in having that power over another person. Nothing more. It truly mental illness.

I got a therapist, and a self help group and worked really hard to understand and heal and realized that I just could not have any contact with this person.  The outcome always left me in a very painful place. Always. So, I went absolute NC. ... and worked hard on letting it go.  I believe that the only reason that she ever made contact with me (which was rare), was to see if she still had control over me. Nothing more. It was all about her sick little game. If I was breaking NC... .it was because she she had done a drive-bye and pulled in with her car when I was outside at my car. Real dramatic stuff. The encounters would be bizarre, like she would be all smug and saying that she just wanted to say "Hi", which was just so psycho after what I had been through. Like she was playing some game like a cat does with a mouse. She was just filling some need in her self, it was not as if she missed me and wanted to see me. I was always left in a heap of pain if I talked to her. I got better with practice.

If I see her coming at me in a parking lot or something, I just get away from her. I do not engage in any way.  It will just be bad for me. She is living with another man... there is just no reason for me to engage in that insanity. I have to love me first.  It took a while to accept that this is who she is... .and honestly, I do not know if my heart will ever accept who she actually is... .But maybe some day.