Utlimately we 'win'

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

It's been 7 months since I broke up with my exBPDgf of two years.

At first, I mistakenly allowed a 'friendship' of sorts to limp along for a few months, until I got tired of the push / pull and called that off. I also tired of the 'I've done nothing wrong/bad" and did what everyone says not to - I sent an email telling her I knew she had BPD, that it was irresponsible of her not to tell me although I appreciated it had stigma, and listed (only some) of the terrible things she did. I was of course painted very black from that.

I was replaced four months after our split, and it was rubbed in my face for a while, and continues to be in a very passive / agressive way, but my ex was extremely passive aggressive about many things in her life. It is no suprise then that is how she is behaving in this situation. I realise I can't expect her to be a healthy, mature adult about this because she simply isn't and doesn't have that capacity.

Of course the replacement has no idea about her BPD.

I was initially very upset and about being replaced - not because I want to have what she has, but the hurt and distress of ending up in a very, very dark place on account of the emotional abuse, and then seeing her move on like I didn't even exist.

I'm heaps better than I was, and have been going to a T for a year. I've recovered friendships and am being social and dating again slowly.

Eventually I will get to a place where I am completely indifferent about her. I feel like sub-consciously I have told myself 'I'll feel better when her new r/s starts to fail' - when the BPD comes out for my replacement. Some posters on here say you can never be sure of the new r/s failing. There is of course a chance it may not fail, but on the basis of probability and statistical outcomes, it more than likely will. Of course a part of me hopes like all hell it fails spectacularly, and I would not be human if I didn't think that.

There is no reason however why I can't start to feel better now on account of having dodged a bullet, and only having lost two years of my life instead of more.

I just need to continue to focus on me and trust that in time, I will get to that point of indifference.

In the end however, those of us who have left these relationships are the ultimate winners. My ex right at this point, in her very passive/aggressive way, I am sure feels like she is a winner. She deserves to be happy too, and if the replacement is much more of a saint/doormat/zen master than I am, then I wish her the best.

Whilst she will always have the illness and will continue to struggle with massive feelings of rejection and shame and embarrassment, ultimately it is I who has won for having survived this ideal, and moving on to eventually recover from it and lead a happy, rewarding life, hopefully with someone who does show me love, care, kindness and respect.

I have my ex to thank, for teaching me valuable lessons I obviously needed to learn.

But here's to all of us on this board, for being the ultimate winners .

[parisian]

It's been 7 months since I broke up with my exBPDgf of two years.

At first, I mistakenly allowed a 'friendship' of sorts to limp along for a few months, until I got tired of the push / pull and called that off. I also tired of the 'I've done nothing wrong/bad" and did what everyone says not to - I sent an email telling her I knew she had BPD, that it was irresponsible of her not to tell me although I appreciated it had stigma, and listed (only some) of the terrible things she did. I was of course painted very black from that.

I was replaced four months after our split, and it was rubbed in my face for a while, and continues to be in a very passive / agressive way, but my ex was extremely passive aggressive about many things in her life. It is no suprise then that is how she is behaving in this situation. I realise I can't expect her to be a healthy, mature adult about this because she simply isn't and doesn't have that capacity.

Of course the replacement has no idea about her BPD.

I was initially very upset and about being replaced - not because I want to have what she has, but the hurt and distress of ending up in a very, very dark place on account of the emotional abuse, and then seeing her move on like I didn't even exist.

I'm heaps better than I was, and have been going to a T for a year. I've recovered friendships and am being social and dating again slowly.

Eventually I will get to a place where I am completely indifferent about her. I feel like sub-consciously I have told myself 'I'll feel better when her new r/s starts to fail' - when the BPD comes out for my replacement. Some posters on here say you can never be sure of the new r/s failing. There is of course a chance it may not fail, but on the basis of probability and statistical outcomes, it more than likely will. Of course a part of me hopes like all hell it fails spectacularly, and I would not be human if I didn't think that.

There is no reason however why I can't start to feel better now on account of having dodged a bullet, and only having lost two years of my life instead of more.

I just need to continue to focus on me and trust that in time, I will get to that point of indifference.

In the end however, those of us who have left these relationships are the ultimate winners. My ex right at this point, in her very passive/aggressive way, I am sure feels like she is a winner. She deserves to be happy too, and if the replacement is much more of a saint/doormat/zen master than I am, then I wish her the best.

Whilst she will always have the illness and will continue to struggle with massive feelings of rejection and shame and embarrassment, ultimately it is I who has won for having survived this ideal, and moving on to eventually recover from it and lead a happy, rewarding life, hopefully with someone who does show me love, care, kindness and respect.

I have my ex to thank, for teaching me valuable lessons I obviously needed to learn.

But here's to all of us on this board, for being the ultimate winners .

[mitatsu]

I like your sentiments but i prefer 'Survived' to 'Win'

Best of British to you on your journey my friend 

[Infared]

I feel similar to Mitatsu... .

I met s beautiful woman an fell in love with her... .I was never thinking "who is going to win here"... .although she may have been  ... .

Mine ran off with new supply lied about it and then went way out of her way to act out in front of me with him to cause me emotional damage. It never made any sense to me other than how sick and childish That I thought they both were. ... .I certainly didn't consider that kind of behavior a "win"... .

The whole experience was just so godawful sad and hard to comprehend... .

[Maternus]

I like your sentiments but i prefer 'Survived' to 'Win'

I prefer "Thrived" to both. 

... .although I'm not there yet.

[parisian]

Infa, I never felt like any of the r/s (nor the breakup) was about winning either. It certainly wasn't ever a competition for me. Like many on here, the r/s was about me trying to love someone who wasn't able to return that.

I put this slant on it mostly for myself, on account of that is how my exBPDgf looks at life. For her, it's all about who wins.

We survive, we recover, we heal, we thrive but ultimately, it is us who win. We win back our lives, our health, our strength, our boundaries and our respect. I will take that as a big win.

[Infared]

Infa, I never felt like any of the r/s (nor the breakup) was about winning either. It certainly wasn't ever a competition for me. Like many on here, the r/s was about me trying to love someone who wasn't able to return that.

I put this slant on it mostly for myself, on account of that is how my exBPDgf looks at life. For her, it's all about who wins.

We survive, we recover, we heal, we thrive but ultimately, it is us who win. We win back our lives, our health, our strength, our boundaries and our respect. I will take that as a big win.

Yeah... I just thought that looking at it in those terms was acting like her... .and I think that is the last thing any of us want to do here... .although it is tempting sometimes! All the best... .

[rlhmm]

how bout this... .we as "nons" view winning as, everyone benefits here. they view it at as, " I WIN I WIN!  I BEAT YOU! HA HA HA HA HAAAAA!     Big difference!   

[hergestridge]

How about they draw the shortest straw either way you look at it. They have an illness that make it very difficult to deal with other people. Most of us don't have that.

That we "win" is BPD thinking. At least that's how my BPD ex wife thought about everything, like a constant battle to be won or lost.

[Infared]

how bout this... .we as "nons" view winning as, everyone benefits here. they view it at as, " I WIN I WIN!  I BEAT YOU! HA HA HA HA HAAAAA!     Big difference!   

Yeah... .we both love and care about one another is a win/win... .but I think you may be right about the second half of your statement... .I just can't wipe away that smug face with the new supply... all angry and superior like "she showed me"... .I just could not connect with that... .I had not treated her poorly in any way... .it never made any sense to me... but the "I showed him" thing does work... .I guess?     

Extremely childish stuff, too.

[cosmonaut]

I have to admit that I don't like the idea of us "winning".  Please don't take this personally, parisian, because I really do understand what you are getting at, but it's the framing that I don't like.  So, it's the concept of winning that I object to, and not your idea.  I don't think there are any winners with BPD.  It is a devastating disorder, and you are right that those with BPD continue to suffer - often their entire lives.  That is something I can't see as winning, even if we can go on to happiness and other fulfilling relationships.

I think I understand your point of trying to see the upside of a tragic situation, and I think that's noble.  Making lemonade from lemons is admirable, and I think we can indeed learn from this experience.  We can learn more about ourselves, our pasts, and we can certainly learn compassion for extremely damaged people and their significant struggles.   

[AwakenedOne]

"Ultimately we win"

Ultimately we escaped.

[ReclaimingMyLife]

Parisian,  your statement that we win totally resonated with me.   I am feeling so very much like that.   I am not hoping for my UexBPDbf to lose in life (indeed I hope he does well,  finds happiness, etc.),  but I feel like I have won BIG time by getting out of this r/s.   

I fought hard to break free and it has taken a ton of courage and determination.   It can be easy to ruminate on all the hurts endured and all the things lost with the b/u.   But we can do that at the expense of remembering what we won:  dignity,  self-respect, serenity,  HOPE and a real shot at happiness with ourselves and a future,  healthy partner.   In your words,  "I take that as a (very big) win! “

[Reecer1588]

I disagree with the majority of the sentiment expressed here. I respect the opinions of everyone. In time, my sentiment may evolve, thus please respectfully take my words with a grain of salt.

Part of the nature of these breakups is competition. I need to fight to win. I need to fight to better myself as a human being. I ought to focus on bettering my physical appearances, mental health, and intellectual prowess. I ought not let this trauma defeat me.

This is a competition to see who will win between her and me. There is no doubt in my mind about this.

And I do not believe that I just 'win' because she has a disorder and I do not.

She have a huge hand up on me in this game. She can easily get a new boyfriend/girlfriend, new relationships. I for one, can not do this.

She is physically attractive.

This is a fight and she has the upper hand.

But I'm fighting to make sure in the end I will win. I will have my victory over her. And I hope that one day she will contact me, and I will feel the glorious validation of beating her! I want to revel in her admonition that she wants me again! I want to revel in the power of having her try desperately to pull me back in. I want the power back. I want her to want me.

Look y'all, I'm an incredibly competitive human being. My view of life can be summed up in one word: Challenges.

Look, I would prefer to be with her over anything else. But the next best thing is to improve myself as much as I can and feel like I beat her.

That's just where I am right now.

I'm much less 'kumbaya' about the whole ordeal than most.

And that is just how I am.

She declared war on me, on my mind. She sent me the bombers over the city of my mind. I must fight back.

[ReclaimingMyLife]

Reecer, I hear you!  Big time.  Your words resonate.  A war was declared and fighting back is what has been required.  I have not fought against him.  But I have fought for me. 

As I read your post, I was reminded that this is about my best self winning.  It is time for my best self to defeat my scared, confused, hurt, mad, hopeless, helpless, confidence-less, willing to put-up-with-a-lot-of-___, take-a-lot-of-blame self.  Time for me to defeat the part of me that has confused intensity with intimacy, has settled and sacrificed my dignity along the way. 

I am sympathetic to that part of me.  Very.  But that is NOT the part of me I want making decisions for me.  That is not the part of me I want choosing my relationship partners anymore.  That is not the part of me I want captaining my ship.  My UxBPDbf represents that part of me. And that is NOT the part of me I want to win.

This is a very important battle.  This is probably the most important battle of my life.  This is me fighting for me.  The me who wants and deserves to Reclaim My Life.  The best part of me will win. 

And when the best part of me (us) wins everyone wins.  Kids, family, friends, lovers, co-workers.  Everyone wins.  Amen.

[hergestridge]

I disagree with the majority of the sentiment expressed here. I respect the opinions of everyone. In time, my sentiment may evolve, thus please respectfully take my words with a grain of salt.

Part of the nature of these breakups is competition. I need to fight to win. I need to fight to better myself as a human being. I ought to focus on bettering my physical appearances, mental health, and intellectual prowess. I ought not let this trauma defeat me.

This is a competition to see who will win between her and me. There is no doubt in my mind about this.

And I do not believe that I just 'win' because she has a disorder and I do not.

She have a huge hand up on me in this game. She can easily get a new boyfriend/girlfriend, new relationships. I for one, can not do this.

She is physically attractive.

This is a fight and she has the upper hand.

But I'm fighting to make sure in the end I will win. I will have my victory over her. And I hope that one day she will contact me, and I will feel the glorious validation of beating her! I want to revel in her admonition that she wants me again! I want to revel in the power of having her try desperately to pull me back in. I want the power back. I want her to want me.

Look y'all, I'm an incredibly competitive human being. My view of life can be summed up in one word: Challenges.

Look, I would prefer to be with her over anything else. But the next best thing is to improve myself as much as I can and feel like I beat her.

That's just where I am right now.

I'm much less 'kumbaya' about the whole ordeal than most.

And that is just how I am.

She declared war on me, on my mind. She sent me the bombers over the city of my mind. I must fight back.

Reecer, has it ever struck you that you are playing a game by a sic persons rules? She can get an new relationship tomorrow, but it's another unhealthy relationship. You're in competition, because she was always competing with you. You want her to come back so that you can reject her, because that was she was always doing to you. Does that make sense, that you're living your life according to her rules now?

[camuse]

Great post Could have written it myself!

A year out here, and I do now feel like the winner. We meet people at the right time and they teach us something useful - that's how I feel now. I am genuinely indifferent, and you will be too.

I also let a friendship limp along and it was a huge mistake. Once they are erased, the healing begins, and I am a much better stronger person that before the r/s, now.

One day I may actually be glad it happened. It was a horrible but very useful experience in the end.

[Tim300]

OP -- great post.  Thanks.  Almost my thoughts exactly (only difference is that I'm past the point of indifference and am actually glad about the NC outcome . . .  I'm sure you'll be at this point soon).  I don't have much thought about my ex's future relationships, although I do hope that she never procreates (for the sake of humanity and the child).