Am I going mad?

[Weno]

I have been separated from my husband of 30 years for nine months now. The relationship has always been difficult. At times, especially when he is needed, I can almost guarantee he will hurt me more. For example, during a pregnancy at 19 weeks, I was told our daughter could not survive. I was in hospital for six weeks. He came in once to see me, to tell me he was leaving me. Throughout our relationship he has turned up with "laundry lists" of things he hates about me and has threatened to leave if I did not change. He actually writes a list at times. When I started to put in boundaries, he developed a "friendship" with another woman whom he claimed he was emotionally close to. I objected and asked him to get help. He did but left in order to see a therapist to "restructure" his personality. His word. Since leaving he has constantly changed his mind. For example, we had a plan to work toward reconciliation. It involved counselling, couples counselling, prayer, and working through a book we had both read together. After a short time he dropped it all. When I asked him about it, he ignored me as if I had vaporised. I told him to go away, he panics, goes back to therapy and the whole cycle starts again. He rewrites history, tells me it is just my perspective, or interpretation, lies, discounts my feelings, says he never intended for me to find out when he has done something to hurt me, minimises his wrongdoing and my pain to our adult children, can be lovely one minute and angry the next. I walk on eggshells when he is here. I never know how his mood will be. I have forgotten who the real me is. Please someone tell me I am not going crazy? I am so confused. This is not a normal way for an adult man to behave surely?

[Sunfl0wer]

Hi Weno! . Welcome to BPSFamily!

Your relationship with your husband sounds both confusing and very distressing.  I'm sorry that this is what you are going through!  My own experience, and from what I have read around here, is that it is difficult for couples counseling to work when one partner has BPD traits. Often the BPD partner ends up leaving treatment or like in my case, can continue to deflect and not allow the therapeutic process take place, while attending.

How often do you currently have contact with your husband?

Is he still having that "friendship?"

What are your options?

I have forgotten who the real me is. Please someone tell me I am not going crazy? I am so confused. This is not a normal way for an adult man to behave surely?

His behavior you describe, certainly sounds quite bizarre to me, no wonder, it must feel quite confusing!

You are in a good place here!

[Tibbles]

Hi Weno

I am so sorry you are going through this. I can relate to a lot of what you are saying - my ex together 30ys to  - used to rewrite history too and it used to leave me so confused and uncertain of myself. He was also lovely one minute then off on a rage the next and I could never pick what would set him off. Have you read the book "Stop Walking on Eggshells". It helped me see and understand so much of what I was feeling and helped me see a way out of my confusion.

The answer to your questions - no, you are not going crazy and no, it is not the way a normal person behaves. Being in one of these relationships gets so confusing and I know I even started to believe some of my ex's crazy re-writes! It is great you have found this site - lots of great information here and reading others stories helps heaps too. Hang in there x

[Weno]

Hi Sunfl0wer,

It does me good to just hear you say that his behaviour sounds bizarre. That "friendship" ended soon after he left as I would not agree to going forward if she was still around. I made sure to check that it had actually ended.

I still see him several days per week. We have a large family together and joint property that I have no legal right to keep him from. This will change as property settlement is underway. It will not solve the dilemma of the children. One daughter is terrified of him and does not want to see him. One is still young at five and misses her Dad.

What I don't understand is his extreme change ability. If he wants the relationship, would he not stick with the plan and follow through? I thought his stopping engaging in the process we had agreed upon meant he actually did not want the relationship, so I told him I wanted him out of my life. We are now up to our fifth cycle of this in nine months. Come up with a plan, start the work, he drops the ball, I tell him to get out of my life, he goes back to therapist and comes up with another plan, and off we go again. All the while he is telling me it is not so bad. My extreme distress and sadness are just my perspective. He will ignore me when it suits him. He certainly does not act with any true remorse. Minimising his actions, often denying what he has done. I have been reading a few of the posts from other people. It is both scary and a relief that I can see the similarities in them. I actually feel much brighter today for the first time in a long while. Not so alone, and not so mystified. Thank you to all. I have read most of the book "Walking on Eggshells" when I was at my lowest. I think I'll give it another run through now that I have the support of this site. I am so relieved to find a group that understands. My H is so good in his superficial and professional relationships. I have not often been believed when I have sought help in our very small community.

[Sunfl0wer]

Weno, this is truly a great group of folks here!

Keep posting questions.

Read the links to the right of the page.

I have been separated from my husband of 30 years for nine months now. The relationship has always been difficult. At times, especially when he is needed,

My partner always seemed to resent me when I needed him most.  This has devastated me on many occasions. I have almost never received his support when I was sick... .instead he would either ignore me or treat me like a nuisance, even tho I was not asking for much.  There were times he tried, and during those times I felt like I was training him to be nice, I did not feel like it was coming from within him.  If I just naturally received what he had to offer what came natural to him... .it meant he was just giving me the silent treatment, (which could be fine as I could rest)or nagging me out of my sleep about ridiculous things like not filling the dishwasher. (It is true, I can be forgetful when sick or stressed, but waking me nagging is just not how I treat others when they are down)

I have since come to understand that this is because when I'm sick, or needing him, he feels abandoned and is resentful.  He does not like to see me in any other role except as me his caretaker and him victim, or him being wonderful receiving praise. While I know my logical mind understands this and believes this, my heart still cannot comprehend how a person cannot be a bit more nurturing when I need it after I consistently have done the same for him.

It doesn't makes sense to us because their behavior often just plain doesn't make sense, is not anything like how we behave and treat people.  It IS confusing. 

There was a thread by another poster I read a week or more ago.  It explained how the fact that our thinking is NOT disordered, our mind tries to make sense of this disordered nonsensical behavior.  In the process of us applying more healthy logic to make sense, our mind fails to make sense.  It is this process of trying, and getting stuck, that our mind gets confused and tries to piece together things still and we end up confusing ourself and begin to come away from our own thinking to make better sense and we begin feeling like WE are the ones not making sense.  It is confusing and tricky to describe but it helped me understand a bit why trying to process another persons disordered thinking can make us feel crazy.

[Sunfl0wer]

I still see him several days per week. We have a large family together and joint property that I have no legal right to keep him from. This will change as property settlement is underway. It will not solve the dilemma of the children. One daughter is terrified of him and does not want to see him. One is still young at five and misses her Dad.

Your situation does sound tricky.  Hopefully a more senior member will reply to help guide you a bit through this more simply, so you can look at your options more clearly.

I'll respond to parts with my understanding, best I can in the meantime.

It concerns me for both your daughters that your older daughter is terrified of him.

I don't know what else to say for this, other than it is greatly concerning.  (I wish I had something better tho)

What I don't understand is his extreme change ability. If he wants the relationship, would he not stick with the plan and follow through? I thought his stopping engaging in the process we had agreed upon meant he actually did not want the relationship, so I told him I wanted him out of my life. We are now up to our fifth cycle of this in nine months. Come up with a plan, start the work, he drops the ball, I tell him to get out of my life, he goes back to therapist and comes up with another plan, and off we go again. All the while he is telling me it is not so bad. My extreme distress and sadness are just my perspective. He will ignore me when it suits him. He certainly does not act with any true remorse. Minimising his actions, often denying what he has done. I have been reading a few of the posts from other people.

Behaviors and actions not matching words is an ongoing theme around here.  It is baffling because it does NOT make sense.  Yes, a non disordered person would be more inclined to stick with a plan to repair the marriage.

Oh, and my partner, like many others here, did not respond well to my sadness.  It is painful for us!  He would see my sadness as though it was insulting to him, as though I was calling him a bad partner with it, as if it was only ever all about him.  So my sadness would cause him to feel guilty which to him, felt like an accusation, so he would respond to verbally attack me! Or like you say, he would accuse me of not being as sad as I am, but the result was the same, he saw the solution was to make my pain smaller in his mind or try to make it disappear in his mind so he could rid himself of his own feelings of guilt about my pain.  Heck, sometimes a simple hug would do!  But what goes on in their heads is quite confusing!

I actually feel much brighter today for the first time in a long while. Not so alone, and not so mystified. Thank you to all. I have read most of the book "Walking on Eggshells" when I was at my lowest. I think I'll give it another run through now that I have the support of this site. I am so relieved to find a group that understands. My H is so good in his superficial and professional relationships. I have not often been believed when I have sought help in our very small community.

I'm glad you are feeling better! 

No matter what your husband does or doesn't do, in terms of treatment and everything else, you likely will still need support for yourself and your girls through this challenge.  Are you able to do individual counseling?

[going places]

YOU ARE NOT CRAZY

You are abused.

Gaslighting:

www.narcissisticbehavior.net/the-effects-of-gaslighting-in-narcissistic-victim-syndrome/

Google "abuse advocate ______" (in the blank, put in your city and state)

Go speak to an advocate. They are free. They will provide you with any and everything you need from shelter to individual counseling to group counseling. THEY were a GOD SEND to me.

I am 10 months post-divorce to the same person you described.

The evil he heaped onto me and the hell he put me thru was unspeakable.

YOU ARE NOT CRAZY.

You have been abused.

Please, seek help.

Abuse is NOT just black eyes and broken bones.

[LeonVa]

You are NOT crazy and I'm really sorry you are going through it. We are all with you

My ex wife is the same way, like an earthquake waiting to happen in a quake zone and I spent most of my energy foolproof my house, my furniture and etc even at good times awaiting for the next shock.

Be strong and stop being abused!

[Weno]

Thank you everyone. It is such a relief to have my experience validated. To know I am not going crazy and most of all not alone. The link to narcissistic gas lighting was very very helpful. Thanks again.

[ReclaimingMyLife]

YOU ARE NOT CRAZY!

I literally felt like I had been brainwashed.  And I was only with him for EIGHT MONTHS.  We didn't live together, have kids together, have entwined lives together.  If I felt BRAINWASHED after 8 only months of dating (didn't even see him everyday... .just a few times a week), please imagine how strong and deep the impact would be for someone in your situation of married THIRTY YEARS. 

I am a strong, independent, capable woman who is not inclined to take a lot of s%^&, truly, and still I got caught in the trap.  I've been on this site constantly since figuring it out (even my psychologist sister didn't figure it out).  I am about to see a therapist on Friday to recover and learn from this. All of this after only eight months.  So, again, of course you feel crazy.  Confused.  After thirty years.  Please have a lot of patience with and compassion for yourself.  And remind yourself all day every day, YOU ARE NOT CRAZY!