jealous

[haveabpdmom]

I caught myself feeling jealous of people whose parents died.  Is this shared by anyone here?

[claudiaduffy]

At times, yes. But I don't like feeling jealous, so I acknowledge the feeling, acknowledge the grief and helpless feelings underneath it, and then move on as I can.

[Mike-X]

Welcome to the boards. I would imagine that it is common. Would you care to elaborate on what you in particular are/were feeling?

[claudiaduffy]

I should amend - my response may have seemed a little self-righteous and dismissive. I don't mean it to be. I have so many jealous moments (of people whose parents are dead, or of people who have good relationships with their parents, or with people who have parents who just aren't actively toxic... .) that trying to get past these feelings is self-defense so I'm not miserable all the time! But the feeling is real and very understandable. Please do tell us more.

[manitoumoon]

I'm jealous of people who have a good mom. I'm sometimes MAD as hell that my father died (who was my friend and ally) and my mom is left here with me. Why did my Dad have to go first? Then I feel guilty for thinking that. But it's a thought I sometimes have. I YEARN for the peace and quiet that will come someday when my mom passes. Does that sound mean? I don't wish her dead, I just know that my life will take on a whole new dynamic when she does pass. So, I do understand what you mean. I kind of feel it in a slightly different fashion. Because I'd give my right arm to have my Dad back. He wasn't the BPD problem.

[isilme]

I guess jealous is a an okay term.  I think wistful for an easier situation to explain is more me.  I feel left out when friends can relate good things from family holidays and their childhoods.  A casual question like, "How was your mother's day for your family?" can set me off a bit, sad that I have to stay NC with both parents to try to stay sane and safe for myself.  If I was an orphan by death, people can get that. 

A BPD-orphan is a lot harder to explain, but I hate lying, too.  I did too much of it as a kid to protect my parents.  I have some set responses of basically, "My parents are toxic influences so we don't talk/we're not close/they are out of town-state/we went to FI's parents house, but I had a good weekend.  How was yours?" to change the subject and let them off the hook for starting a potentially painful conversation.  Even when it's not hurting me to be open, I can tell my past experiences make people uncomfortable, either because it's nuts, they don't believe me, or think there is something wrong with me and regret the question.  I don't want to lie anymore about how I grew up, because I think that's one way it's so easy to hide and more honesty and breaking the family taboo of talking about it is the only way to open people's eyes to this problem, but at the same time, you can't interject about parental murder/suicide attempt in casual conversation, either. 

More and more I am realizing that other than the obvious rage-based abuse, I suffered a lot more from the inconsistency of treatment and overall neglect.  Neglect is hard to explain.  I had a roof over my head, even when we were homeless.  I had clothes, even if they were thrift store hand me downs.  I had food, even if I had to cook it myself, standing on a chair.  I had toys and books, and TV to keep me company, because I wasn't allowed to have anyone over.  But the stuff I see and hear of other parents doing, both from my peers' parents and my peers AS parents, I did not have.  Simple things, like help with homework, a parent to help me get to school, someone to help remember to wash my clothes, these are things I did not have.  I was parentified, and therefore did not have a solid parent at all.

So I mourn that.  I'm not sure it's usually jealousy per say, but I know I missed out on something, and continue to miss out because of BPD.