BPD MIL Accident- WTH is wrong with me?

[flower211]

My husband just called to inform me that his mother got hit by a car running a red light at an intersection and totaled her truck.

I felt relief and- is this totally sick or twisted?- hope that she might be out of my life.

Nope. She's okay, just shook up a bit.

Is there something wrong with me?

I'm normally a very compassionate, empathetic person.

I felt nothing. Literally, nothing. No compassion, complete apathy.

Anyone else feel this way? I hope I'm not becoming the psychopath. I'm just tired of the drama, mind games, and evil power plays.

[Harri]

Hi flower.  I don't think your feelings are sick or twisted.  For one thing, feelings just are.  But also, given your situation, I think they are a normal response to a crazy situation.  If it helps you to know, both my parents died and for both, I felt relief.  There was grief too and it is not like I did a happy dance or anything, but I felt relief and I thought "thank God" after my father died.  Most people won't get that though so I do not go around saying it except at boards like this and with only close friends.  My friends get it and I think most people here will get it.  I feel twinges of guilt and sorrow still though but I think it is more related to grieving what I never had; normal and healthy parents who acted in ways that allowed me to express the love and compassion I felt for them without it causing me harm.

Feelings and thoughts just are... .

[Turkish]

I'll reiterate what Harri said: "feelings just are."

We continuously discuss validating the feelings of others here, but often we forget to validate ourselves.

Your MIL is an ongoing source of pain and trauma. It's natural to want to be free of that, but you can't do too much about it (can you?), so if fate stepped in, then the source of that pain would cease.

That it goes against what you see are your core values (compassion, empathy) is understandable. It's hard to be compassionate and empathetic towards those who may be abusive to us. I've often thought, "what if my mom died? Would I feel anything?" I feel guilty thinking like that, even though it's not uncommon for adult children to feel that way about elderly parents---- the closest parallel I can think of. Aside from the severe hoarding, dealing with my mom for now isnt even bad. I feel that way sometimes about my kids' mom: "life would be easier if she just weren't here."

These feelings have a root cause: emotional pain. It may even seem unjust that it is causing us distress or self-flagellation due to causing us to question how attached to our core values we are. Thankfully, this is an anonymous board on which we can share our feelings. I don't think you're a psycopath, but rather just a human being with emotions and feelings 

[flower211]

Thanks, Harri,  for bringing that up. I never thought of myself "invalidating" my own feelings, but I guess that's what I'm doing by judging myself so harshly.

It just seems so inhumane to have a feeling or thought like "I wish she was gone- forever." This is my husband's mom we are talking about here. But after almost 15 years of marriage and endless cycles of emotional manipulations and terror campaigns, I think I've just reached my tipping point. I'm grateful for you all here. Not many would "get" these thoughts or feelings. But not many have been through the emotional bloodshed, either.

Much love   

[Harri]

I never thought of myself "invalidating" my own feelings, but I guess that's what I'm doing by judging myself so harshly.

I never thought of it as invalidating ourselves either, so thank you Turkish!  You helped me see what i do to myself (beat myself up for just having a thought or feeling, as if they define me) in a new light.

Flower, I am glad you posted this.  Glad for you and for me and for anyone else reading who may feel the same way and beat themselves up over it.

[Leaving]

I believe that we should always attempt to elevate our character by not allowing ugly people to reduce us to their level but anyone who has lived with such chronic negative drama can't help sharing your feelings from time to time.  I certainly have!   

Abnormal begets abnormal.  We have atypical and abnormal thoughts and feelings relative to their abnormal behavior.