Back and Forth with a BPD

[MyEyesrOpen]

I am heartbroken. I've been on and off with what i believe is a man with BPD. I came across information on this disorder last week and became obsessed with learning about it. I am now CONVINCED he has this. Its been a month and he dropped me. Again. - right on his birthday (after have celebrated his bday so beautifully 2 days beforehand) I have a bf that i live with with... .we were long distance for 4 years. In that time frame i was vulnerable and fell in love with Z. Z was awful to me for 2 years, cheated and lied constantly on me, with him having his own ongoing relationship for 7 years with someone (also on and off) but i never knew. Both Z and my bf both knew of each other. In fact the bf who was away long distance moved back once he knew i was falling in love with Z so as to not "lose me" but it was too late i was already in love with Z. Now Z is single (so he says) and wants to have a life with me, a marriage, a baby... .and i want it too. BUT he will not be consistent enough for me to leave the BF. I don't trust him. After everything hes done, i have stated over and over that i need consistency to leave. After all i have all the risk, a 10 yr old daughter, a house and mortgage, old school family. I would leave and go through all of it to be with him but he wont beleive me and the longest hes ever given me as proof of consistency is 6 weeks.  In fact all his lies and cheating and abandonment were " MY FAULT" even though i tried to prove it to him and left my BF 2 times. Once i left the BF, Z disappeared. Now its been a month. I need help, im broken over this, im confused and i feel beat up.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

Hi MyEyesrOpen,

Thank you for sharing your story is not unusual.

You have a lot to work through to find out who you are, what your values are and what you want for you. As far as jumping from the fry pan into the fire is concerned you need to stop and work through being a stronger independent you before you make such life changing choices like this. As you say there are consequences.

You have a lot of instabilities and inconsistances in your own life. You need to stabalize this and do things for you and not fit around what someones wants, otherwise you will always find yourself always wearing the wrong shoes and not be able to make any progress. Let alone the disruption on your daughter, who needs stability right now.

I dont normally recommend this link to new members as it can be quite harsh, but I think it may be something you might want to think about.

How a Borderline Personality Disorder Love Relationship Evolves

Hang in there and don't make any rash decisons


Waverider

[MyEyesrOpen]

Thank you for your advice. I have been seeing a therapist since last october, had gone on antidepressannts for a short while, but heavily drank the entire relationship with the BD. Just when i think this man cant hurt me anymore than he has, something else will come up. I gave the best of me to him and believed when he said the same. I cant even look at my live in BF, he knows im depressed again. Hes waiting for the BD to contact him again. My mind wonders if the BD didnt love me then why would he try to break up the BF and I and our home. He had contacted him twice telling him to move out that he wants a "normal" relationship with me, and will literally do this behind my back while he is talking to me he has sent these messages and not said a word about it. I had to be confronted, again, by the BF.  I lost who i am, i would never have accepted this treatment from anyone else. Last February he made plans to be with me on my bday (also Valentines day) then stiffed me the day of, stiffed a weekend getaway i booked and paid for that was supposed to take place two weeks after that... .and i still accepted him back. Am i addicted?, how do i get over this?, im scared to make any move. Im frozen with fear.

Im just now resorting to this site after learning about BPD. I always knew something was off and im not a clinical dr. or anything to confirm or deny he has this but for the frist time in 3 years things made sense when i started reading and researching this disorder. I think he will come back again... he just blocked me from FB this weekend bc hes trying to get me to react and make contact first i know this pattern already. When i dont, i feel he will contact me. Im scared to be with him, Im scared to be without him. Whats wrong with me then?

[waverider]

You have to keep in mind the feelings and emotions swing and are usually over the top and genuine IN THE MOMENT. It is not a long term deceitful plan. when they say what they do, they mean it. They are even delusional to themselves in the ability to stay consistent.

This is the reason they attract like a drug, when they pull they pull hard, when the push it is like a devastating shock of abandonment that puts you into withdrawal desperately wanting the high back. both are flipsides of the disorder. To survive a BPD relationship you have to find a state that we call being centered.

To do this you need a strong sense of self, your values and your boundaries. These values and boundaries will always be challenged as you are alternatively tugged in each direction.

A lack of respect for boundaries also means a pwBPD will quite readily trash your other relationships and interactions leaving you isolated. If something is a perceived threat it will be attacked or sabotaged. There is little respect for things that are really your business, or your right to choose.

I too went through a period of drinking heavily to try and numb out some of my frustrations of dealing with BPD. Being aware of unhealthy coping mechanisms and avoiding them is a good start.

Waverider

[MyEyesrOpen]

Thank you again. I will be discussing this in a therapy session tomorrow. I am going to try and focus on ME and bring myself back to a place where i can recongize myself again. Im holding on to that hope.

[waverider]

The short of it is you need to simplify your life and get some consistent structure happening, and be less dependent on the wants and needs of others