Scapegoating

[Cat21]

I've posted about this before; I suppose this is a 2 steps forward, 1 step back situation.

I think my uBPDh drinks too much. He does not have an addiction, but he does depend on alcohol to help him relax and take his mind off of stress. This wasn't an issue when we first got married. In fact, it wasn't an issue until he went through a particularly stressful time with work about a year into our marriage. Since then, it's been an issue. We have had countless conversations about it; I've expressed my concern, anger, frustration, etc- I think he drinks too much and I hate it. I also realize I can't do anything to control it.

When we were talking about getting pregnant, I made it very clear that he would have to cut back on drinking for me to even consider becoming a parent. He agreed and after I found out I was pregnant, he cut back. For my first trimester, things were pretty smooth. Then we started house hunting (a very stressful process) and the drinking picked back up. We had another serious conversation where I expressed that I was feeling alone in my pregnancy and needed him to start taking more responsibility toward being a parent. He did- and cut back on the drinking again. Noticeably. Things were much better and more pleasant. However, about a week after we had that talk, he started asking my permission to have a drink. I told him multiple times that I don't want to be asked- I'm not his mother. I just wanted him to be more responsible since drinking a bottle of whiskey per week won't be an option when the baby comes.

Tonight, I discovered that he's been hiding alcohol from me. He poured himself a second drink (which is fine- I don't consider that excessive), and when he put the bottle away, I noticed he put it in a different spot than usual. I went over to look in the space where he put it, and discovered 2 additional (almost empty) bottles of whiskey. This is in addition to the bottle that's on our bar and visible (and the one I assumed he'd been drinking from for the last 2 weeks). I called him out on it immediately and asked him why he's lying to me and hiding alcohol. He said that he's hiding it because he doesn't want to face my judgement. This, of course, lead to a huge argument where he tried to blame me for his lying.

I can't say this is totally new- but I haven't had to deal with this indignant, sneaky behavior in a long time. Now that I'm 3 months out from having a baby (HELLO stress), I am very nervous to think what he's going to hide from me in the future.

I haven't reached out to alanon- perhaps it's time. I have so much on my plate with my job, an impending move to a new house, and of course the pregnancy. I really don't need any additional stress. Thoughts?

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[waverider]

Go to Alanon if it is bothering you. They will teach you how to let go. You checking and stressing is causing it to be your problem, and yes it will drive it underground and cause you both stress, and even give him a reason to drink.

You say he is not addicted... So what are the real consequences that are affecting you rather than his lack of compliance to a limit that you have drawn up...

In other words the limits need to have real reasons if you expect any co operation. If he then can't stick to what you both agree is reasonable for tangible reasons, then yes it is a drinking problem.

If it is a drinking problem you jumping up and down extracting promises will have little positive consequence. Much the same as jumping up and down has little positive effect on BPD.

[Cat21]

You say he is not addicted... So what are the real consequences that are affecting you rather than his lack of compliance to a limit that you have drawn up...

Thanks, waverider. I think Alanon might be worth a shot- I need some help learning how to let go.

As for the consequences, I've thought about this a lot. The first one would be his health and well-being: he's driven drunk before (many times, actually). Sometimes, when he's going through a difficult time at work and the drinking increases, he's also mean. There have been times when he's embarrassed me at social events and he's been drunk for work events.

Ultimately it's a big trust issue for me. I realize he's not going to cut back or even stop drinking just because I have a problem with it. Failure to take any responsibility for his actions are of course a hallmark of the BPD as well, and that's what happens with the drinking.

Do the tools I've learned to use with BPD apply to the drinking as well?

[Cat Familiar]

Cat, I am so sorry that you're dealing with this.   

What you've written, other than the part about pregnancy, could have been my exact words. I tried everything I could think of, including hiding alcohol or pouring it down the drain, and nothing worked until he decided he wanted to do something about it.

The worst consequence of all my failed intervention strategies was to build up a heavy load of shame (as if he needed anymore shame) and it has been a divisive issue in our relationship. All this was before I learned about BPD.

I think the excessive alcohol use must be a common component of BPD in that they are so internally uncomfortable, they crave a momentary release from the anxiety and self-judgment. But afterwards it just decreases their self esteem.

I drew a boundary that I didn't want to participate in intimacy after he had been drinking--there is no moderation with this man and intimacy became unpleasant to me with the inebriated version of him. So now I live an almost entirely celibate life and sleep alone, which allows me to get a good night sleep since he snores horribly after drinking.

He has cut down somewhat, which I'm grateful for due to health concerns, but he drinks way more than I think he should. I appreciate his attempts at cutting back and I'm hoping to try to rebuild our relationship. He's very bitter about my previous "criticism" of his drinking, but I can't change the past. I did briefly try Alanon and I found it to be very supportive, but I don't buy into the "disease" model of alcoholism and I'm not a group person.

I wish you the best with your husband and your new role as parents. I hope that fatherhood motivates him to change his habits.

[waverider]

Just so you know where I am coming from my partner struggled with drink for a long time. I do not mean by an occasional embarrassment but by total dysfunction. Drinking would start the moment she woke up, even if this was 6am, and it would continue until she passed out at whatever time of day that was, usually mid afternoon. Everyday. There would be hundreds of empty beer and wine bottles stashed around the house in every cupboard, under mattresses, hidden in the garden, thrown on the shed roof.

She would fall off her chair regularly, bounce off the walls walking down the hallway. stink of booze. fall asleep on the loo.  Each time she would deny she had touched a drop. If I opened a kitchen cupboard and a bottle fell out, I was persecuting her and snooping and she had no idea how that bottle got there, nothing to do with her. BPD and alcoholism will take you to ridiculous heights of denial.

Took over 20 tirips to detox units to finally get off it. 2yrs clean now.

You cannot make it happen, you will make it worse trying. They need to feel the consequences. If they embarrass themselves they are embarrassing themselves not you, don't cover it. Going to Alanon at least will put the extent in perspective.

Will the tools work? The tools work in protecting you from the behavior of others whatever anyone else does. They are oil that helps the cogs of personal interactions run smoother regardless of what issues are there. They dont fix or change anyone else, only they can do that, they just help your own sanity.

Make drink driving a boundary eg. I will not get in a car with someone who is over the limit. If you drive in that condition i will call the police. Having a personal hissy fit wont achieve anything except stress you out

Confrontation creates conflict, conflict creates a path for projection so the blame can be passed on. "you drive me to drink", "its no wonder I drink"

A golden rule is dont not argue with anyone when they are drunk and do not argue with anyone when they are in a dysregulated state. Both will lead to more stress and escalation

Waverider

[formflier]

 

CAT21,

Definitely go to alanon. 

From what you have described... . he has a drinking problem.  Whether or not he would be diagnosed as alcoholic is another issue.

He has a r/s with you.  He has a r/s with alcohol.  He is protecting his r/s with alcohol. 

Did you guys ever do any MC? 

Focus first on protecting yourself.

FF

[Cat21]

No MC yet. I've been focusing on myself with weekly T for the last 8 months. Honestly its all I have time for right now and making my own T the priority is the best thing I can do right now. I will check out Alanon online- I think I'm more comfortable with that for now.

A few minutes ago, he admitted to me that he's stressing out about a big project he has to complete in the coming weeks. Every time something important is looming, I see a change in behavior- in this case, hiding the alcohol. A lightbulb went off in my head.

Clearly I need to change my approach and draw some boundaries. The refusal to ride in a car with him if he's been drinkng is already in place. Now to take time for myself to draw and enforce other boundaries.

[townhouse]

I hope you don't mind me popping in here Cat21. It is just that I can so relate to your problem with husbands' drinking... . yours too CatFamiliar.

My uBpdSO self medicates with alcohol everyday and apart from a brief break when he had a heart attack (not a big one) and a stent inserted, he has done this for the 13 years we have been together. When he wasn't drinking after the stent, I did notice an improvement away from BPD characteristics but of course he slipped back gradually to drinking.

He doesn't drink all that much everyday, some days more than others and some days a lot. I have not made an issue of the drinking (apart from after the operation). To be truthful he is nicer to be with when he's had a couple of glasses of wine. But not when he is really drunk and has had two or more bottles of wine plus beer and whatever else.

I am aware that he feels his drinking is shameful so I avoid talking about it. Strangely I've noticed that he is setting a boundary with me and his drinking. The other morning about 11 o'clock, I noticed he was being vague and fumbling around with things and I asked what was wrong . He said that he'd finished the bottle of wine and had a beer. I was surprised and before I could stop myself I exclaimed "you've had a beer this morning" he replied " Yes but I will not be interrogated about what I drink"

He has been quite dysregulated lately so I didn't say anything. But it felt like he was putting a boundary up with me even though I don't give him a hard time at all about his drinking.

[formflier]

No MC yet. I've been focusing on myself with weekly T for the last 8 months. 

How has that been going?  Can you share some of the things you have learned... . progress made... . "lightbulb moments".

How is the pregnancy treating you? 

FF

[Cat21]

How has that been going?  Can you share some of the things you have learned... . progress made... . "lightbulb moments".

How is the pregnancy treating you? 

FF

T has been going well- definitely some lightbulb moments. My role in my family is the "responsible one". It always has been, and it's caused me a great deal of unnecessary anxiety about aging parents, relationships between parents and siblings, etc. When I was growing up, my mom (who was the primary caregiver) never showed much emotion- she still doesn't. She rarely yelled and screamed if she was angry; instead, she held it in and used the silent treatment. Walking on eggshells is something I've done since childhood! I've learned that this has shaped how I respond to conflict with many people, including my H. So, learning how to not JADE but to also be able to get out my anger has been a challenge. I've become more comfortable with being honest with my H (and my family) even if it means upsetting them. This has actually been more beneficial for my relationship with my H than constantly censoring what I say/worrying how he'll respond. I guess that's why the drinking issue is more difficult- I want to be honest and not hold in what I'm feeling, but I also have to realize that it's not my problem to fix. I am not the "responsible one" for him.

Pregnancy is going well! 3 more months. Interestingly, my H has been well regulated throughout the last 6 months and quite helpful. I know the increase in drinking is due to stress and anxiety- this has always been his pattern; why did I think it would change this time around?

[Cat21]

He doesn't drink all that much everyday, some days more than others and some days a lot.

I'd say this is about my situation, too. Truthfully, he doesn't drink "a lot" often, but he does drink every day. I know that my disapproval and frustration make him feel worse, which probably leads to more drinking. My challenge has been to find away to get away from it- we live in a 1 bedroom condo and at 10 PM, I can't exactly (and don't want to!) leave my home to go for a walk or run an errand. We are moving into a house next week; I'm hoping that more space and a walkable neighborhood will allow me to get away easier if I choose not to be around him when he's drinking.

[formflier]

  I know that my disapproval and frustration make him feel worse, which probably leads to more drinking.

This is a choice he has made... . and is making.

Here is the thing... . if he doesn't have a drinking problem... . then he can make a choice not to drink and help the family dynamics.

If he does have a drinking problem... .well... . then he really can't control it.

But... . it's one way or the other... . and it's all about who is in charge... . him... . or the bottle.

Thoughts on this?

FF

[Cat Familiar]

This is a choice he has made... . and is making.

Here is the thing... . if he doesn't have a drinking problem... . then he can make a choice not to drink and help the family dynamics.

If he does have a drinking problem... .well... . then he really can't control it.

I have an issue with the "disease" model of alcoholism. If indeed one cannot control the drinking, how does anyone ever stop? It just doesn't make sense to me. I know AA and Alanon are great resources for people, but the fatal flaw for me is that one is "powerless" to stop drinking. If that is so, how is it that there are "recovered alcoholics" in AA?

[waverider]

This is a choice he has made... . and is making.

Here is the thing... . if he doesn't have a drinking problem... . then he can make a choice not to drink and help the family dynamics.

If he does have a drinking problem... .well... . then he really can't control it.

I have an issue with the "disease" model of alcoholism. If indeed one cannot control the drinking, how does anyone ever stop? It just doesn't make sense to me. I know AA and Alanon are great resources for people, but the fatal flaw for me is that one is "powerless" to stop drinking. If that is so, how is it that there are "recovered alcoholics" in AA?

You are powerless to stop someone else.

The alcoholic can stop but it is not easy and the trigger is still there, so it normally means total abstinence as opposed to being able to regulate it. To tell an alcohol that all they have to do is not drink is like telling a pwBPD not to be silly, then expecting it to happen.

I guess the disease part is that the trigger is always there and is in their genes/make up. Recovery is about recognizing this and managing it to avoid the consequences.

Often there are overriding obsession and general addiction issues, which are more psychological that result in alcohol abuse as a consequences. In these instances, addressing these issues will go a long way to addressing the drinking issues which may not be otherwise as genetic driven as a straight alcoholic. The catch 22 is that these are harder to address when the consequences of alcohol are causing chaos.

Either way the two together really really sucks

[formflier]

I have an issue with the "disease" model of alcoholism. 

Amen to that!

I was a DAPA... .":)rug and Alcohol Program Advisor" for a long time in the Navy.  Dealt with tons of guys that had varying levels of addiction to alcohol.

I will tell you that I believe more in the disease model after the experience (I was total non-believer going in)... .but... .many people use the "I have a disease thing"... .to say they can't control it and then don't even try.

I also have a much bigger appreciation now of how powerful addictions are.

When it came down to guys deciding to choose the bottle or choose the Navy... .over 90% chose the bottle.  Very sad.

This was after lots of treatments and relapses.

FF

[Cat21]

My H made an interesting "announcement" earlier this evening. As he was pouring himself a drink (he made sure to tell me it was the first one), he said, "I've decided that this will be the last bottle of liquor I have in the house for a while. I'm not going to drink at home anymore. " Perhaps not in good taste, I said "Oh so all of your drinking will be done at bars and outside of our house?" He smiled and laughed (thankfully), and said "No, I'm serious. And this is my decision. My dad was apparently a pack-a-day smoker before I was born, and then one day, just gave it up and never looked back." I didn't say anything else. I have no idea what brought that on or if he'll actually do what he said. I just nodded and said "OK" and that was it.

In terms of the lying/hiding alcohol, this pattern of lying about things in general and getting caught is something that has been happening more often. Each time he lies about something and gets caught, I ask him why he lied and we go through the same routine- me telling him that lying perpetuates mistrust and that I would always rather hear the truth, no matter what. This has made me realize that I've fallen into this role of mothering him- something I HATE, yet seem to fall into by way of expressing my disappointment and frustration with his actions. My H and I are from different races and cultural backgrounds, and in his cultural background, guilt and shame are a HUGE part of the family dynamic; they are the tools and weapons of choice. My T suggested that perhaps he's trying to get caught (which is why he does a lousy job of "hiding" things) so that he can alleviate the guilt and shame he feels. I'm not sure if that's true, but it's a good point.

Anyway, I think I may give the online Alanon group a try. And as far as him not drinking at home anymore goes, well... .we'll see.

[formflier]

 

What would be a boundary that you could enforce... .instead of mothering him.

BPD traits are things that are done to "get a reaction"... .I think your T could be onto something.

What if you didn't catch him anymore... .


or

What if when you caught him... .there was a serious boundary.

Still scratching my chin on what that could be.

Very good on your hubby announcement.

Is he talking about liquor... .or all alcohol in the house?

Much easier to say no booze in house.  You find it... .you don't catch him... .just pour it out and move on.

FF

[Cat21]

What would be a boundary that you could enforce... .instead of mothering him.

BPD traits are things that are done to "get a reaction"... .I think your T could be onto something.

What if you didn't catch him anymore... .

What if when you caught him... .there was a serious boundary.

Still scratching my chin on what that could be.

Very good on your hubby announcement.

Is he talking about liquor... .or all alcohol in the house?

Much easier to say no booze in house.  You find it... .you don't catch him... .just pour it out and move on.

The "mothering" thing is something I've talked about a lot recently with my T. I've tried ignoring it, I've tried validation and SET with him when talking about it, I've tried yelling and screaming- all pretty much seem to have the same effect, which is temporary relief. Recently, when he was asking my permission to have a drink, I said, "You have a mother. Call her and ask her if that's what you're looking for. I'm your wife- please treat me as your equal." And he apologized and moved on. My T suggested that I consider telling him not only that I feel as though I'm put in this mom role a lot, but to also ask him what that does for him. My suspicion is that it's a pattern that has been life long, starting not with his mom, but with his older sister who helped raise him. (There is a whoollleee host of sister issues). It's always been my feeling since we met that he compares me to his sister. Not on purpose, or outright, but because we are both women in his life who love him and need his attention.

As for the booze, he mostly drinks whiskey- beer is more my thing.  I wish I could believe him, but he's said a lot of things he's fallen back on, so I really didn't put much stock in it. I'm hopeful it's a sign of a change, but time will tell.

I do have to say that he has been quite present and helpful with our upcoming move. He's done a lot of work without me having to ask (packing, moving boxes by himself over to the new house), has cooked me meals, again without me really asking. Perhaps this is his way of preparing for baby?