Baby steps to freedom and being emotionally healthy

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi everyone,

I posted the below message on the undecided board a few days ago.  Please see the below for the full context / history of the descent into abuse and what brought me to these forums. 

Last night I finally found the courage to tell my partner of 4 years that I am done ! Done arguing,  done putting up with her dismissing my love,  done having to justify and convince her of all the good things I've done for her and done with her abuse.

As expected she told me that she is so angry,  that I always put her second,  that she no longer loves me but wants to be friends,  that she will now contact me only when she wants but not when I want.  Interestingly she didn't beg me to stay but actually said "ok fine - done - over". From what I've read this is also a common BPD technique (just discarding someone as if it has no impact on them) ? She also told me about how she has been feeling this way for over a year - within which time I have spent a fortune on her in terms of flights/allowing her to life rent free in my family home and embrace her as part of my family

I have fear of my BPD due to her previous actions and have always felt the ending of the relationship would lead to a huge backlash and an attempt to destroy me in front of other people.  Following some advice I found in an article on the forums I have tried to emotionally detach myself in advance and do enough to put her in a position in which she wants to leave the relationship.  I just hope this is a successful plan as if I am now able to stay NC maybe she just does not contact me.  I know this might be naive as this has been an incredibly intense experience however I believe I have now made a positive start.

My story

Just signed up to the website (having been reading it for several weeks).  The posts/experiences on the site have really provided comfort to me and supported me in some really dark moments so thank you.

I have reached the unfortunate conclusion that my partner of 4 years meets almost all of the critera of BPD.  I can also clearly now see the distinct periods through which the relationship has developed (idealisation / the clinger phase and the hate phase). 

I have so many questions running through my mind that i will one day resolve only for the next day for them to come back and haunt me.

Did she ever really love me ?

Did I fall in love with a fantasy ?

Why cant she move forwards with me ?

Why could it not be perfect as it was at the start ?

The relationship has been long distance which itself has put pressure on us and I have also made mistakes for which I have spent  years apologising for and trying to repair (these mistakes do not involve physical aggression/sexual relations with anyone else).  Do BPDs have the capacity to forgive ? Or are mistakes just weapons to be used against their victims ?

I have tried to show my partner that I love her / care for her and want to be with her.  I have paid for multiple flights for her / invited her into the heart of my family  / travelled the world and spent a fortune to be with her / supported her in her hobbies / never ever cursed at her or cut her off when she has been upset or aggravated / purchased a property for her to live in.   I have been the one constant for her - one of the few people in her entire life to have never abandoned her.

However the relationship has always felt  on edge / waiting for her to explode.  She has been physically violent towards me  after she got drunk in front of my friends, she has dismissed me as a sexual failure, she has sent me screenshots of her flirting with another guy, she has accused me just weeks ago of cheating on her (that was a week after I just spent almost 2k dollars flying her around and organising events for her).  She has sent nasty messages about me to my friends behind my back, she has told me she hates me/doesnt love me, she has cut herself on web camera  to show me how angry she is / she has wished people dead to me / she has insulted my parents and friends to me / she has told me to my face how she wanted to go and hit on other guys / there has also been two occasions where she has just gone on and on at me relentlessly complaining to the point at which I have felt something rise up inside of me and I have physically wanted to shut her up to stop her hurting me with her words.  I have never acted on this feeling however I have never felt that feeling before in my entire life and it was scary as in those moments I felt an urge to just make her stop.   

Over a course of weeks she also told me that she was deliberately punishing me by telling me about dating other guys/how she wasn't attracted to me anymore/ how she hated my little arms and stomach etc etc.

She has long standing issues with her family - estrangement/abandonment issues - and has previous instances of depression/self-harm.  I have seen her lose multiple jobs in the time we have been together and also seen her just cut people from her life (people she once held in high-esteem).  In the instances above it was all other peoples fault and she genuinely believed she did nothing wrong/contributed towards the breakdown of such relationships.

I did once attend a counselling session with her and the conclusion of the counsellor was that she was sabotaging the relationship ! She tried to argue it back with the counsellor but was told again "you are sabotaging the relationship".

On the basis of the above which is a mere fragment of some of the things that have happened I'm sure that I'm right in thinking these are symptomatic of BPD. 

The effects of it on me have been profound.

I have started to go prematurely grey,  I have been engulfed with a general anxiousness,  I have cried so many times including in front of her, I have laid in bed physically shaking as she has verbally attacked me,  I have performed oral sex on her after she spent days criticising me for being so bad at it just to make her stop (she had the day before stated that if I wouldn't do it she would have to find someone that would do it). 

I have tried to set boundaries - telling her if she made me cry again that would be it and i it would be over but I haven't been able to do it due to my naive belief that this must work / that she is the one due to everything we have been through.

Despite all the above she still tells me she wants to get married and loves me !

And whilst she does have some wonderful qualities surely if you act as she has done you cannot want to marry that person. 

We met at a time when I was feeling very low and unhappy with my life due to a previous relationship and i was ego loaded amazed that a girl as beautiful as her would be interested in me.   She could have had any guy in terms of looks so why did she pick me - thousands of miles away.  In hindsight I can see that should have been a warning but I didn't see it - I just saw one of the most beautiful / sexiest girls i'd ever seen interested in me. 

Our first meetings were beautiful and so intense heightened even more by the build-up via email/messages etc and the fact we were thousands of miles apart.   We told each other we loved one another within days of meeting and it felt real -  when i said it I meant it.

I fear just leaving her now as Im afraid she will try to hurt herself or try to punish me. 

Reading the above I can reflect on how pathetic it all sounds - I have a great education,  successful career,  property , money ,  great friends etc yet I have allowed myself to be almost destroyed by this situation.  I'm not sure what that says about me.

I feel in so much pain - if i hear certain songs/lyrics Im dragged back to thinking of her/us.  If i see girls that look like her on tv or walking down the street I get anxiety and a feeling of regret/of missing her.

Sorry for the long post but writing all that was quite cathartic - thanks again for providing this website as it has been a light in the darkness. 

i don't know what I'm looking for in terms of a response - confirmation that what I have described is BPD or that I need to get the hell out etc - I don't know but for anyone who has come through something like this I have the utmost respect for your strength as this has been emotionally so hard / It is like grieving for someone who is still both part of your life but also actively involved in destroying your life.

[Jimmyfran]

Hi everyone,

I posted the below message on the undecided board a few days ago.  Please see the below for the full context / history of the descent into abuse and what brought me to these forums. 

Last night I finally found the courage to tell my partner of 4 years that I am done ! Done arguing,  done putting up with her dismissing my love,  done having to justify and convince her of all the good things I've done for her and done with her abuse.

As expected she told me that she is so angry,  that I always put her second,  that she no longer loves me but wants to be friends,  that she will now contact me only when she wants but not when I want.  Interestingly she didn't beg me to stay but actually said "ok fine - done - over". From what I've read this is also a common BPD technique (just discarding someone as if it has no impact on them) ? She also told me about how she has been feeling this way for over a year - within which time I have spent a fortune on her in terms of flights/allowing her to life rent free in my family home and embrace her as part of my family

I have fear of my BPD due to her previous actions and have always felt the ending of the relationship would lead to a huge backlash and an attempt to destroy me in front of other people.  Following some advice I found in an article on the forums I have tried to emotionally detach myself in advance and do enough to put her in a position in which she wants to leave the relationship.  I just hope this is a successful plan as if I am now able to stay NC maybe she just does not contact me.  I know this might be naive as this has been an incredibly intense experience however I believe I have now made a positive start.

My story

Just signed up to the website (having been reading it for several weeks).  The posts/experiences on the site have really provided comfort to me and supported me in some really dark moments so thank you.

I have reached the unfortunate conclusion that my partner of 4 years meets almost all of the critera of BPD.  I can also clearly now see the distinct periods through which the relationship has developed (idealisation / the clinger phase and the hate phase). 

I have so many questions running through my mind that i will one day resolve only for the next day for them to come back and haunt me.

Did she ever really love me ?

Did I fall in love with a fantasy ?

Why cant she move forwards with me ?

Why could it not be perfect as it was at the start ?

The relationship has been long distance which itself has put pressure on us and I have also made mistakes for which I have spent  years apologising for and trying to repair (these mistakes do not involve physical aggression/sexual relations with anyone else).  Do BPDs have the capacity to forgive ? Or are mistakes just weapons to be used against their victims ?

I have tried to show my partner that I love her / care for her and want to be with her.  I have paid for multiple flights for her / invited her into the heart of my family  / travelled the world and spent a fortune to be with her / supported her in her hobbies / never ever cursed at her or cut her off when she has been upset or aggravated / purchased a property for her to live in.   I have been the one constant for her - one of the few people in her entire life to have never abandoned her.

However the relationship has always felt  on edge / waiting for her to explode.  She has been physically violent towards me  after she got drunk in front of my friends, she has dismissed me as a sexual failure, she has sent me screenshots of her flirting with another guy, she has accused me just weeks ago of cheating on her (that was a week after I just spent almost 2k dollars flying her around and organising events for her).  She has sent nasty messages about me to my friends behind my back, she has told me she hates me/doesnt love me, she has cut herself on web camera  to show me how angry she is / she has wished people dead to me / she has insulted my parents and friends to me / she has told me to my face how she wanted to go and hit on other guys / there has also been two occasions where she has just gone on and on at me relentlessly complaining to the point at which I have felt something rise up inside of me and I have physically wanted to shut her up to stop her hurting me with her words.  I have never acted on this feeling however I have never felt that feeling before in my entire life and it was scary as in those moments I felt an urge to just make her stop.   

Over a course of weeks she also told me that she was deliberately punishing me by telling me about dating other guys/how she wasn't attracted to me anymore/ how she hated my little arms and stomach etc etc.

She has long standing issues with her family - estrangement/abandonment issues - and has previous instances of depression/self-harm.  I have seen her lose multiple jobs in the time we have been together and also seen her just cut people from her life (people she once held in high-esteem).  In the instances above it was all other peoples fault and she genuinely believed she did nothing wrong/contributed towards the breakdown of such relationships.

I did once attend a counselling session with her and the conclusion of the counsellor was that she was sabotaging the relationship ! She tried to argue it back with the counsellor but was told again "you are sabotaging the relationship".

On the basis of the above which is a mere fragment of some of the things that have happened I'm sure that I'm right in thinking these are symptomatic of BPD. 

The effects of it on me have been profound.

I have started to go prematurely grey,  I have been engulfed with a general anxiousness,  I have cried so many times including in front of her, I have laid in bed physically shaking as she has verbally attacked me,  I have performed oral sex on her after she spent days criticising me for being so bad at it just to make her stop (she had the day before stated that if I wouldn't do it she would have to find someone that would do it). 

I have tried to set boundaries - telling her if she made me cry again that would be it and i it would be over but I haven't been able to do it due to my naive belief that this must work / that she is the one due to everything we have been through.

Despite all the above she still tells me she wants to get married and loves me !

And whilst she does have some wonderful qualities surely if you act as she has done you cannot want to marry that person. 

We met at a time when I was feeling very low and unhappy with my life due to a previous relationship and i was ego loaded amazed that a girl as beautiful as her would be interested in me.   She could have had any guy in terms of looks so why did she pick me - thousands of miles away.  In hindsight I can see that should have been a warning but I didn't see it - I just saw one of the most beautiful / sexiest girls i'd ever seen interested in me. 

Our first meetings were beautiful and so intense heightened even more by the build-up via email/messages etc and the fact we were thousands of miles apart.   We told each other we loved one another within days of meeting and it felt real -  when i said it I meant it.

I fear just leaving her now as Im afraid she will try to hurt herself or try to punish me. 

Reading the above I can reflect on how pathetic it all sounds - I have a great education,  successful career,  property , money ,  great friends etc yet I have allowed myself to be almost destroyed by this situation.  I'm not sure what that says about me.

I feel in so much pain - if i hear certain songs/lyrics Im dragged back to thinking of her/us.  If i see girls that look like her on tv or walking down the street I get anxiety and a feeling of regret/of missing her.

Sorry for the long post but writing all that was quite cathartic - thanks again for providing this website as it has been a light in the darkness. 

i don't know what I'm looking for in terms of a response - confirmation that what I have described is BPD or that I need to get the hell out etc - I don't know but for anyone who has come through something like this I have the utmost respect for your strength as this has been emotionally so hard / It is like grieving for someone who is still both part of your life but also actively involved in destroying your life.

[rg1976]

Hello Jimmy. What a post!

Welcome.

I am in a similar place. However, I am unable/unwilling to let go of that hope. I go back and forth. I know the relationship is horrible, but I can't stop myself from doing self destructive things. Why? Don't know... .

I'm not sure how much reading posts and posting here has helped me. I'm still alive, and not in prison, so there's that.

I have yet to post most of the horrifying details of my struggle, but I relate to your post about your experiences. I know all too well the feeling of wanting to rage and just stop her from saying things that destroy your soul. I, however, can't say that I always remained peaceful and passive. Although I do regret the things I did and feel terrible guilt and realize it didn't help the situation or her or me... .

I truly believe that we áre all doing the best we are able.

I have lost 30 pounds in the last few months and i am not eating or able to sleep.  I'm seeing a therapist but not sure it's helping.

Please do the best you can to not ruin your life. I have been so close to the edge my friend, so close to losing everything.

I was there again tonight. This girl makes me so so crazy. I am afraid this will end horribly if I can't stop myself. I want to be well, but also want her. The two cannot exist together. :'(

We have to stop before it destroys us both.

Sometimes we have to forget everything we know and simply look at doing the best for ourselves. It is also the best thing for her. We can't keep it up forever. It is not possible. It ends, either tragically, or peacefully.

Don't create more tragedy than already exists.

Be kind to yourself.  She is ill and it affected you and made you ill to be a part of it.

I know there is good in her, but she will have to bring it out herself. No amount of love from you will change her.

We can't fix anyone, but we can work on trying to heal ourselves.

Do your best, before things become worse and harder for you.

It really only gets worse.

Let it go.

Now, if only I could do these things, I would be set.

Rg