Pretty sure that my uBPDex is beginning to stalk me.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

So, I had been getting stonewalled by some very close mutual friends, and I'm fairly sure it was because I initiated NC with my ex in a very vague, passive way. I sent her an email briefly clarifying my reasons for NC (personal healing, etc.) a few days ago. It alleviated a lot of guilt, and I feel much better about the situation now. Things did not end super poorly, so I felt that it was appropriate to be clear.

Thing is, literally minutes after I sent the email out, our mutual friends started responding to my messages in very normal ways, after a few weeks of total silence from people that I would consider very close to me. It was like the floodgates had opened and my friendships were restored. I am surely painted white at this point, yet I have no plans to re-initiate contact anytime soon, if ever.

Weirdly, over the weekend I saw my ex at a distance sitting in various places around my neighborhood. I did not approach her, and it really didn't bother me. She lives about 25 minutes away, and would have literally no reason to be sitting alone less than 100 yards from my apartment building.

Honestly, I find it quite amusing, but I'm not quite sure how to proceed, especially if she eventually refuses to accept my clearly stated boundaries. I absolutely do not want her back, but am partially confused by everything. She seems so small to me now, like a child lost in a department store without her mother, or something. I don't know if this is progress, or if I have come upon a major setback.

So, any ideas? Have you seen similar behavior, and how did you deal with it internally?

[valet]

So, I had been getting stonewalled by some very close mutual friends, and I'm fairly sure it was because I initiated NC with my ex in a very vague, passive way. I sent her an email briefly clarifying my reasons for NC (personal healing, etc.) a few days ago. It alleviated a lot of guilt, and I feel much better about the situation now. Things did not end super poorly, so I felt that it was appropriate to be clear.

Thing is, literally minutes after I sent the email out, our mutual friends started responding to my messages in very normal ways, after a few weeks of total silence from people that I would consider very close to me. It was like the floodgates had opened and my friendships were restored. I am surely painted white at this point, yet I have no plans to re-initiate contact anytime soon, if ever.

Weirdly, over the weekend I saw my ex at a distance sitting in various places around my neighborhood. I did not approach her, and it really didn't bother me. She lives about 25 minutes away, and would have literally no reason to be sitting alone less than 100 yards from my apartment building.

Honestly, I find it quite amusing, but I'm not quite sure how to proceed, especially if she eventually refuses to accept my clearly stated boundaries. I absolutely do not want her back, but am partially confused by everything. She seems so small to me now, like a child lost in a department store without her mother, or something. I don't know if this is progress, or if I have come upon a major setback.

So, any ideas? Have you seen similar behavior, and how did you deal with it internally?

[ReclaimingMyLife]

Hey Valet,  sorry to hear she is doing this.   Get the book The Gift of Fear by Garvin de Becker.   It saved my sanity and helped me know what to do. .   I thank God for that book.   

So glad your friendships are restored!

[valet]

Thanks! I'll surely check it out.

Just strange because I'm afraid that by clarifying my reasons for NC she's gonna take it as a full out invite to try and sneak her way back in to my life. I am not ready for that right now, and will not be for some time. I've stated this before in previous posts, but I do hope to have a friendship with her. I already know where I stand if she wants to try and restart the relationship, and I absolutely refuse to put myself through that situation again because I know exactly how it would play out.

I guess I don't really know enough about her intentions at this point though, so I'll just have to stand my ground if she tries anything in the coming months.

Aside from that, it is nice to have my friends back for the time being. I don't know what she was saying to them, but I know that whatever it was they interpreted it (or were forced to interpret it) in the wrong ways.

Just a big  I suppose.

[.cup.car]

>lives 25 minutes away

>sitting less than 100ft from your apartment

>has no reason to be there

Yeah bro I'd get the popo involved. Do it through your building's management so cops don't think YOU'RE the nutter.

[ReclaimingMyLife]

Check out the book before going to the cops.  I did a lot of investigating.  The conventional wisdom is to go to the police, get a restraining order, etc.  That can work.  But it can also backfire big time.  There is substantial evidence that it makes matters worse.  Read The Gift of Fear.  Check out websites.  One forensic psychiatrist I spoke to said "restraining orders work with normal people... .the problem is they don't work with the people being "restrained" because they aren't normal."  A Lt and former Director of Public Safety both said they can escalate matters to a point they otherwise might not have gone.  Not saying you shouldn't.  Just saying do your homework first.  Don't assume that friends and family - or even attorneys - are familiar enough with the situation to give you good advice.  A friend and an attorney who is SUPER smart and someone I respect enormously really pushed for the restraining order.  I didn't go that route and was glad, in my case, that I didn't.

All of that said, since valet is hoping to be friends with his ex then maybe this conversation is somewhat premature.  Hopefully it really is a  LOL, as valet suggests, and won't get out of hand and/or dangerous. 

My UxBPDbf got very threatening very fast so I knew that NC would be a permanent state of affairs.  Just keep your eyes open, Valet.  And start to keep record of when/where you spot her, when you hear from her, etc.  Just to have in case you need it. 

There is a great website, voicemailsforever.com,where you can store all voicemails she leaves for you. 

Fingers crossed this is just temporary, non-threatening foolishness that dissipates quickly. 

[valet]

Oh jeez guys. I'm not worried for my safety at all.

I think my email just might have been a trigger for her. It was very kind. I mentioned how much I appreciated the time we spent together, but it was not overwrought. Just a simple this is why I am not talking to you and why you should respect my wishes. I told her not to respond and she hasn't thus far, so I think I'm in the clear. She is absolutely NOT dangerous or violent. That never occurred in our relationship. It was just a series of bewildering emotional reactions to harmless events as well as all of the other obvious BPD relationship red flags that I didn't see until I got partially out of the FOG.

My interpretation of the situation is that she is just checking up on me, or trying to get a glimpse of me from my balcony. I actually looked over there for a while because I thought it might have been her, and a closer look confirmed my suspicions. I just started laughing at that point, because it truly was a weird, borderline thing to do. It kinda brightened my day a little bit, and knocked her even further from the pedestal that I had had her on for the last year or so of our relationship.

My main concern is this: in 6 months we will be attending the same MA in creative writing, and I'm afraid that she will try and suck me back into a relationship with her. I will obviously refuse, in kind, but I don't want to be painted black and suffer through all this losing of mutual friends crap again. I'm also not trying to be the academic equivalent of Mary Carr and David Foster Wallace or some total bologna like that. I don't need that drama in my life and generally am very private about my relationships. The whole thing would be childish. I need to be able to focus on my studies and not have to worry about totally waste of time, useless nonsense.

[ReclaimingMyLife]

So glad to hear it, Valet!  Good to not be worried and good to not create a crisis where this none.  Amen for that!

[raisins3142]

She isn't talking to you but my guess is she wants to be seen by you so that you either approach her or at least think of her and possibly contact her.

My first GF (cluster b but not so bad) told me after her first boyfriend broke up with her that she would take the bus to the small city he lives in (population around 50,000) and sit downtown on a bench all day hoping he'd walk by.  That should have been a red flag, but I was pretty young.

Sound similar?

[valet]

Saw her again a few minutes ago. Same plaza, less than 100 yards from my apartment.

Still doesn't bother me, rather gives me an odd sense of satisfaction. I'm not sure if that is a healthy reaction, but who knows?

She also sent me a birthday message, which I responded to pleasantly.