New Here and think that younger sister is BPD

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi everyone.  I am so glad that I found this site.  After events during and after a recent visit with my younger sister, I believe she is uBPD.  I am 9 years older than she is and from very early in her childhood I've always been aware of her emotional immaturity.  In adolescence/teen years, she developed an eating disorder (anorexia and bulemia) and she has health problems from that now.  This of course is the very short version for some background.  I do know that she has been going through a tough time the last year with her youngest child having health problems, and have been very supportive and available to her when she has needed to talk.

However, the behavior that I witnessed during a recent visit at my mom's house and events that happened after I returned to my home have left me reeling.  All weekend long she snapped at other family members, complained all the time of being tired and/or sick, showed signs of manic behavior, and found every excuse to have to go shopping sometimes two to three times in the same day.  Many of the times she snapped at my mom, my uncle and her husband, it was in response to little things.  All this behavior really is not anything new, but when put with the following events, I really had to step back and think that maybe there is something more serious going on.  A fight with my uncle was blown way out of proportion to the point that she called my SIL and told her that her husband was ready to go settle it with my uncle with a gun; we later found out that she made it up.  Before the fight she contacted same SIL several times asking about some pain medication that my mom said was in the house.  There are many more things that have happened after this fight and I may add more later.  What has me most out of sorts is that my mother just keeps enabling her as always.  At this point, I am taking a step back from her and my mom. Anyway, thank you all and I will continue to read the valuable information on this site.

[Peace_Keeper]

Hi everyone.  I am so glad that I found this site.  After events during and after a recent visit with my younger sister, I believe she is uBPD.  I am 9 years older than she is and from very early in her childhood I've always been aware of her emotional immaturity.  In adolescence/teen years, she developed an eating disorder (anorexia and bulemia) and she has health problems from that now.  This of course is the very short version for some background.  I do know that she has been going through a tough time the last year with her youngest child having health problems, and have been very supportive and available to her when she has needed to talk.

However, the behavior that I witnessed during a recent visit at my mom's house and events that happened after I returned to my home have left me reeling.  All weekend long she snapped at other family members, complained all the time of being tired and/or sick, showed signs of manic behavior, and found every excuse to have to go shopping sometimes two to three times in the same day.  Many of the times she snapped at my mom, my uncle and her husband, it was in response to little things.  All this behavior really is not anything new, but when put with the following events, I really had to step back and think that maybe there is something more serious going on.  A fight with my uncle was blown way out of proportion to the point that she called my SIL and told her that her husband was ready to go settle it with my uncle with a gun; we later found out that she made it up.  Before the fight she contacted same SIL several times asking about some pain medication that my mom said was in the house.  There are many more things that have happened after this fight and I may add more later.  What has me most out of sorts is that my mother just keeps enabling her as always.  At this point, I am taking a step back from her and my mom. Anyway, thank you all and I will continue to read the valuable information on this site.

[Mike-X]

Welcome to the boards. There is a lot to learn. Have you read through the piece on "What is Borderline Personality Disorder?" https://bpdfamily.com/tools/articles2.htm

[clljhns]

  Peace_Keeper,

I can very much relate to your story of sister. I am glad you are here! Rest assured that you will find much information and many supportive people who have been where you are.

What has me most out of sorts is that my mother just keeps enabling her as always.

There usually is someone who will enable the behaviors of someone with BPD. Can you think of specific behaviors or situations in which mom has enabled your sister? Do you think that you ever enabled your sister?

I noticed your username, and wondered if you feel as if you are the peace keeper in the family? If so, do you feel that you give up a lot of your needs to take of the needs of others?

Again, glad you are here, and looking forward to hearing more of your story. 

[Linda Maria]

Hi Peace-keeper!  Welcome here - so sorry to hear about your situation.  Can totally identify as I have a uBPDsis who has made my life hell for the last 2 years following the death of my Mum.  Getting to the end of it now, with the help of a solicitor as I couldn't cope with dealing with her direct any more.  It has cost a lot, but worth every penny, I would have had a nervous breakdown otherwise.  I found this site a complete lifesaver, the people here are extremely wise, experienced and compassionate, and you will find enormous support.  Just hearing other people's stories similar to your own makes you feel less alone in the situation.  You sound like someone with very good gut instincts, I think your decision to take a break from your Mom and sis, if your Mom is an enabler is spot on - you need a break from the relentless negativity of the situation.  It took me a long time to understand that I couldn't "fix" the situation, however nice, neutral, whatever I did I just got more abuse, and in the end I had to bring it to an end and distance myself from it.  So stay strong, give yourself a break from it, focus on your own life and try to set some boundaries so you don't get dragged back into it.  Good luck and best wishes!

[Peace_Keeper]

Thank you all for the welcome and support.  So far everything that I have read on here speaks so loudly to me and has helped tremendously to know that me and my family are not alone.  My mother has always been the #1 enabler.  As a mother myself, I can understand she feels guilty, worries, feels helpless, etc.  Last week when it really hit me that my sis may have a problem bigger than "she just needs to grow up" I calmly relayed my concerns to my mom.  She listened and agreed that she would find a way to talk to her about it, but after that I have only heard more excuses and rationalizations from my mom.  And I feel OK about it.  Well frustrated, but OK.  I at least know that I voiced my concerns, even my mom's enabling, and there is nothing else I can do. 

To answer the question whether I've ever enabled my sister... .   I'm sure that I have in the past when she her eating disorder was at its most destructive.  I was younger then too and did not know what else to do at the time.  Now that we are both older, I have been able to have honest one on one conversations with her and sometimes I feel like she is listening.  But then events like the recent ones happen and I feel like it was all for nothing.  I also am wondering whether her husband is uBPD as well.  She says he is even more "screwed up" than she is.  She has tried to get him to agree to at least marriage counseling, but when he doesn't make the initiative she just throws her hands up and says, "well, at least I tried."  I told my mom that even if he doesn't go to counseling, my sis should still go.  I then wonder if my sis feels that it is better to be dysfunctional together rather than be mentally healthier alone.  At this point, I mostly worry about her two young kids.

Yeah, I picked a username that would describe my role in the family.  I am the Peace Keeper, the diplomat.  My brother is the one who takes most of my sister's abuse.  My role is one that I have had my entire life dealing with divorced parents and a chaotic household living with my mother, step father, brother and sister.  My step father was verbally abusive and none of us made it out of the house unscathed.

Thank you all again and I am so glad to have found some place to share similar experiences and to know that I am not alone.

[Mike-X]

Thank you all for the welcome and support.  So far everything that I have read on here speaks so loudly to me and has helped tremendously to know that me and my family are not alone.  My mother has always been the #1 enabler.  As a mother myself, I can understand she feels guilty, worries, feels helpless, etc.  Last week when it really hit me that my sis may have a problem bigger than "she just needs to grow up" I calmly relayed my concerns to my mom.  She listened and agreed that she would find a way to talk to her about it, but after that I have only heard more excuses and rationalizations from my mom.  And I feel OK about it.  Well frustrated, but OK.  I at least know that I voiced my concerns, even my mom's enabling, and there is nothing else I can do. 

To answer the question whether I've ever enabled my sister... .   I'm sure that I have in the past when she her eating disorder was at its most destructive.  I was younger then too and did not know what else to do at the time.  Now that we are both older, I have been able to have honest one on one conversations with her and sometimes I feel like she is listening.  But then events like the recent ones happen and I feel like it was all for nothing.  I also am wondering whether her husband is uBPD as well.  She says he is even more "screwed up" than she is.  She has tried to get him to agree to at least marriage counseling, but when he doesn't make the initiative she just throws her hands up and says, "well, at least I tried."  I told my mom that even if he doesn't go to counseling, my sis should still go.  I then wonder if my sis feels that it is better to be dysfunctional together rather than be mentally healthier alone.  At this point, I mostly worry about her two young kids.

Yeah, I picked a username that would describe my role in the family.  I am the Peace Keeper, the diplomat.  My brother is the one who takes most of my sister's abuse.  My role is one that I have had my entire life dealing with divorced parents and a chaotic household living with my mother, step father, brother and sister.  My step father was verbally abusive and none of us made it out of the house unscathed.

Thank you all again and I am so glad to have found some place to share similar experiences and to know that I am not alone.

Do you think that your step-father suffers from BPD?