A thread for small victories

[momtara]

We come here often when we have a problem. I thought it might be nice to start a thread to celebrate when something good happens, or you accomplish something, or even win a small battle with an ex over coparenting... . any small positive things. Not many people on the outside understand these small victories and I think we need to pat ourselves and each other on the back once in a while.

Mine for today is that I have been very intimidated by court for a long time, so I am reading all the material on how to file an emergency order and how to file a motion in general. It's just to expensive to keep paying retainers and I want to be ready if I ever have to file something and not feel like I don't know how to do it.  I printed out all the directions and am looking at my old legal documents. Court stuff intimidates me and keeps me afraid of doing things I need to do, so I want to slowly learn more about it a little each day so I can feel more confident.

Unfortunately, court stuff has always been very triggering for me.  The idea of judges and lawyers ruling about sensitive details of my family situation - I hate all of it. But I may need to revise orders to protect my small kids and just to keep coparenting properly with my ex.

We have a meeting with our (not very great) PC next week and I am preparing for that too, which is also triggering for me. I HATE looking again at his old texts, and all the stupid stuff I do to prove what is going on. It would be easy just to get sole decision making, but I'm doing my best to keep my BPD ex-H in the loop. I am going to make that point to him, that he has to understand I am doing all this so he can help co-parent, and if he keeps making it difficult, it could send us back into court.

Anyway, I think it's a small victory that I'm trying to face my fear of court and feel more confident if it ever comes back to me having to go back in.

Another small victory is that my older child's teachers want him to see an expert about some of his fine motor skill issues (he's a toddler) and ex is against that and I am fully confident our PC will rule against him on that. I am not going to be intimidated about this. It seems like exes with BPD are always against taking kids to experts but it's the best thing for my son.

What small positive things have you achieved or tried to achieve lately?

[Rubies]

That's great Momtara.  Overcoming intimidation and fear is the common journey which unites us on this board.   What helps to pull your emotions out of the legal stuff is to set it down, walk across the room and look at it from there as if it belonged to someone else, and you are doing it for them.  This somehow satisfies the codependent enabler in us enough to calm down and get rational with it.

BPDxh finished his extinction burst last year sometime.  Spun out older adult kids are settling down and we are reestablishing relationship again.  Having help clean up flying monkeys they help release goes a long ways towards that.

I enforced boundaries on BPDxh and adult kids how they could treat us.  They didn't like it.   Now they respect us and our boundaries.  We have peace. 

[Nope]

I'll play.

My small victory is being done with the kid's GAL. Just last night we got our final verbal report on BPD mom's spring break parenting time. The GAL has been nothing but helpful and really turned the tide of our case with her report. She's the biggest reason the kids now live with us. But the financial strain of being 100% responsible for her bill has been really hard when BPD mom was dragging her into the tantrums she throws.

We were also terrified that the GAL was going to fight DH on not giving BPD mom any parenting time this summer since BPD mom is refusing to go to court ordered counseling. We weren't sure the GAL would see the danger like we do and would want the kids to have at least some time in BPD mom's state. Didn't happen. We worried for nothing. The GAL trusts DH to make decisions about the best interests of his children.

The GAL also agreed, from the standpoint of the welfare of the children, that it's perfectly fine to explain the parenting schedule to them. They need not continue to be in the dark until each event. We can tell them what BPD mom's options are. We'd come to the decision to tell them anyway, but it feels much better to have the stamp of approval from a professional.

[momtara]

Wow, Rubies and Nope, that's great that you both set such firm boundaries and it worked out! And Nope, glad you got a GAL who knew what he/she was doing.

[Rubies]

The very first time I set and reinforced a boundary with BPDxh I was so scared I was shaking.  I did it anyway and I kept doing it.  I gained confidence as I got results.

I saw young DD attempt to set boundaries with her sisters with her voice and body shaking, and they tried to steamroll her.  I intervened, then she stopped shaking and stood up for me.  Eventually, after a few meltdowns, she became strong enough to set and enforce her own boundaries with her bpdfamily separate from mine.  The girl can speak her mind!

It is not an easy journey.  It is one which begins inside of us, and starts with the first step of "No, I won't live this way anymore."