Accepting an Apology from uBPDmom

[oceaneyes]

After her last rage episode, my uBPDmom has texted me an apology. It's been a few days and I haven't responded. I had my first therapy session yesterday (it went GREAT, I'm so excited to work on me and learn new coping skills) and my therapist recommended that I respond and accept her apology but also point out that her behavior is unacceptable but in a way that won't set her off. Basically say "I accept your apology, but we both need to work on how we communicate with each other." so that I'm not placing all the blame on her. This is so hard for me because I feel like her apology is not sincere and I know that I did nothing to deserve the slew of hateful text messages and voicemails that she sent my way. This is not the first time she's apologized to me for raging and, at this point, all her apologies just feel so hollow and self-serving.

I've had a hard time trying to form a brief sentence to text back and I was wondering if anyone else had a go-to that they might recommend? Do you think the sentence I've drafted above sounds okay? I'm mostly worried that she'll want to talk about how we're communicating or she'll throw it all back on me like "yeah, you communicate poorly with me" instead of accepting some of the blame and moving on. She's just so unpredictable. Either way, I'm not going to send a response until a day or two before my next therapy appointment in case she does blow up.

Thanks!

[HappyChappy]

oceaneyes. Woow, a BPD apologising, now that really is something. I’m no expert but your Therapist sounds about right. But never forget that a BPD normally does not believe they do anything wrong, so when they apologies it’s purely to get what they want. However an apology may give you an opportunity to set or reinforce boundaries.

I’ve been no contact with my BPD for her bad behaviour, but she did get my dad to write a letter of apology – in that she’d convinced him it was all his fault.  Best of luck.

[Rapt Reader]

Hello, oceaneyes, and welcome to the family 

I'm really sorry for the push and pull behaviors you are having to deal with, and know how it feels to distrust an apology (from my undiagnosed BPD Mother-In-Law, though). And, yeah, an apology from her comes only once in a blue moon, so when it does come, it's always a bit surprising and curious to me... .

I think it's wise to reply to her text, and your idea of what to say is good. Have you texted her back yet? If not, I would make just a little change to your idea:

"I accept your apology, but and think we both need to work on how we communicate with each other in the future, for things to get better between us."

What do you think of those additions/changes? Have you had the chance to check out the links to the right-hand side of this page yet? The Lessons, Survivors Guide, and all of the steps numbered 1-21, would be a good primer for you to get a handle on what you've been through (and are going through now). Reading them would also give you a good idea of how your Mom's mind works, and good tips on navigating the minefield of your relationship with her.

Although my Mother-In-Law didn't bring me up, she did bring up my Husband, and learning all those things at the links helped me help my Husband deal with her, and taught me how to deal with her better, myself... . I'm really glad you found us, oceaneyes, and want to encourage you to read all you can on this site, and to tell us more of your story, and to let us help you with this situation 

[oceaneyes]

Thanks for the suggestion Rapt Reader, it's so nice to be able to bounce ideas off of others here. This is still all pretty new to me—it's incredible how one word can set them off. I think your suggestions are great, I'll definitely be using them. I put off responding to her, I plan on sending it tomorrow. I figured if I respond while she's at work, she's less likely to rage at me than if I had responded over the weekend. Kinda hoping she doesn't respond at all, I need a break from the "rollercoaster."