Having a hard night

[downwhim]

It has been 6 months of N/C. I just got back from a vacation where I owned a time share with my ex. I used it to celebrate my birthday. I took two girlfriends and it was a nice time but sad too. It was hard seeing other couples and doing things with women like out to dinner etc. and remembering times with him.

He has not tried to contact me. I know he is with my replacement. I feel lost at times but have remained strong and had nothing to do with him. It was obvious he was cheating on me at the end and he was spending time away and there was no more intimacy. He picked fights and started detaching. We were engaged and he was losing it. I was as strong as possible and have continued to be so.

It is hard though. It is difficult being alone and not wanting really to date yet. I have gone out about 3 times and just feel I am not ready yet. Tonight I have a mix of anger and depression. I am putting my house on the market too so I can move away from him. He lives very close to me and I do not want to run into him and replacement. The pain has increased lately where I think it should have decreased by now.

Any suggestions?

[dagwoodbowser]

Hey downwhim. I understand where you're at. Cant say I am feeling exactly what you're feeling, but I can def relate. Not really sure I can give any suggestions other than keep your nose to the grindstone, stay in N/C and if you're compelled to move to stay out of his reach then go with it. I am on day 35 N/C. Was dropped for 4th time on a recycle and at times feel rather silly, stupid and angry about it. Mostly at myself as I kept allowing my emotions to guide me instead of common sense. Not too sure if she has a replacement but I know her well enough to know that she's either playing the field like crazy or on the prowl. At times I'm bothered by that, at times really glad that she's occupied. My relationship was almost 3 years and I gave till it hurt. I'll likely never get recognition for all I did as all I ever heard was how I could not live up to insane expectations. A few days ago I went through this rage that seemed to come out of no where. The following day I was writing poetry so go figure. However, I'm sure after 6 months no contact your much father than where you knew you were after 30 days so fact you've remained willed and not allowed yourself to fall back into the manipulation is a great victory!

[downwhim]

Thanks for your input. It is so hard to realize I wasted almost a decade with this abusive, lying man. I trusted him and loved him. I feel at times like such a fool. I have business to conduct with him ending this timeshare deal but I want to stay n/c to protect myself.

I hate, yes hate what he did to me and how I was so played. I wish he could just suffer some so I could get a little payback but I know that is not the answer either.

Time just passes by... .I miss being a couple but know he has moved on. He was so cruel and I am a good person and gave my all. For what?

[cosmonaut]

I'm sorry tonight's a tough one, downwhim.  Feeling alone is such an awful feeling, isn't it?  And it can feel so much more acute when you think of all the other people who aren't alone.  It just increases how alone we feel.  We're here for you, though.  If you want to talk, or you feel lonely.  I think all of us here can understand, and have felt exactly like you have.  Here, you're not alone.   

I understand about not being ready to date again.  I'm not either.  And that's ok.  I am getting more and more comfortable with that.  When we are ready, we will date again.  There's no rush.

As for suggestions: Do you like going out with your friends?  Do you have a pet?  Do you work out?  Are you active in your Church?  Do you enjoy volunteering?  Are you into any sports?  Would you like to mentor a child?  I think the two best things that we can do right now are to stay active, and I also think that helping others can be a great way to help ourselves.  Sometimes giving is the best way to receive.  I am finding that the more active I am and the more that I help others, the better I start to feel.  It won't cure our problems, but it sure will help.

[Beach_Babe]

I feel the same, downwhim. I wasted 14 years of my life with the same. What kinds of cruel things did he do?

[Mister Brightside]

I just got back from a vacation where I owned a time share with my ex... . It was hard seeing other couples and doing things with women like out to dinner etc. and remembering times with him.

How were you feeling before you went on vacation to that time share? I'm supposing that triggered some bad feelings because of memories you have with your ex there.

I am putting my house on the market too so I can move away from him. He lives very close to me and I do not want to run into him and replacement. The pain has increased lately where I think it should have decreased by now.

Any suggestions?

I think moving somewhere else is a great idea. It's kind of an extreme way to get no contact, and it probably feels like he's got power over you, because it's controlling where you live, but hey, if that's what it's going to take to get your head in a right place, then I think that's a great idea. I think you'll start to heal more quickly when you move and know you won't be running into him.

[downwhim]

Cosmonaut,

I have stayed as busy as possible. I have lots of girlfriends and am social. I think the piece I am missing is doing for others. I have a meeting with a priest this coming Friday. I think I will ask him what I can do to volunteer.

This morning I almost wrote him. I wanted to tell him to get the timeshare sold. I think there are too many memories there for me.

Beach babe,

Let's see the list is long. He would go into screaming rages, I got major ptsd from his tirades. One day he would be loving and kind and the next controlling and angry. I walked on eggshells. He replaced me at the end when we were engaged. I have had no contact in 6 months and don't care to. I feel I wasted 8 years I can't get back. He was cruel at the end withholding sex, getting me alone then ranting, lying, busy with replacement, screaming to give him his ring back, showing me how we use to do it and laugh, smug arms folded and refusing to talk. Telling me his kids think I am old (we are the same age), canceling plans, not showing up to pick me up for a friends wedding. The list goes on and on. I recycled 3 times. The last time he bought me a ring, asked me to marry him and then proceeded to make my life hell. I was so confused and he would not talk to me and tell me what he wanted. I left when he invited me over, gave me the silent treatment and went in the bathroom to call someone I am assuming it was my replacement. I hope I NEVER meet someone like him again. I am beginning to think I will never be with anyone again. Too old and tired now for more drama. Spent.

M. Brightside,

I have gone back and forth about moving. I have a gorgeous view from my condo but too many memories here too. So, I am putting it on next Saturday. At least this will give me a lot to do to get it ready. Summer is here and although I love the sun, it makes me sad. Last year I was engaged and getting ready for my son's wedding. He was being good to me then but eventually Hyde came out... .

Thanks for being here and your comments. I almost emailed him after 6 months to say let's sell the timeshare. I think I want to get settled first then maybe have an attorney call him or send him a letter. Dealing with him will be a trigger I don't need while trying to move.

Your all the best

[cosmonaut]

Cosmonaut,

I have stayed as busy as possible. I have lots of girlfriends and am social. I think the piece I am missing is doing for others. I have a meeting with a priest this coming Friday. I think I will ask him what I can do to volunteer.

This morning I almost wrote him. I wanted to tell him to get the timeshare sold. I think there are too many memories there for me.

I think that's a great plan to look into some volunteering.  It can not only be very rewarding, but fun.  I hope the priest is able to give you some good suggestions.  You can also do some google searching based on interests you might have: children, the elderly, the poor, the sick, animals, etc.  There are so many opportunities and volunteers are always needed.

I understand about the timeshare.  Places that were once special like that, can be REALLY powerful triggers.  There are some places that I don't go anymore for similar reasons - hurts too much.  Is it something that you need to make a decision about selling soon or can you set it aside for a bit and revisit the idea later when you don't feel as triggered?

[downwhim]

Didn't sleep well last night. Coffee seems to help. Yes, I will check into ideas online for volunteering. I do think it will help. I did that once before when I was going through my first b/u. I served loaves and fishes. It was an eye opener and an amazing experience.

I think I am in between the anger/depression stage. It has finally hit me that this r/s is truly over. I kept thinking he must miss me and he must see the pain/damage he caused but that would be a normal person and I know better now. If I had known he had BPD after all I have learned here, I would have run 8 years ago.

Why I put up with this is because when I met him I was so very needy and just out of a 22 year marriage I ended. The romance stage was something and like has been repeated on this board many times, it did not last. Now an again there were peaks of it but nothing permanent.

I have a darling dog that keeps me company. My packing will keep me busy too. Just the thought of not hearing the train (trigger), seeing the boat ramp (trigger),driving by the jewelry store (trigger), passing the Italian restaurant (trigger), yep, I need to move.

Going to Cabo was in ways a good place for me to celebrate my birthday but my ex and I have been there 8 times together. So many memories mostly good ones. The last time however, he had a meltdown at 4 in the morning. He woke me up screaming... . irate over spending too much on a drink (not real issue). I never wanted to go back with him. When he would get me alone, he would rant, never in front of anyone - just me. Whew... .

[EaglesJuju]

I am sorry that you are going through this.   It is really tough stuff to cope with.

Time just passes by... .I miss being a couple but know he has moved on. He was so cruel and I am a good person and gave my all. For what?

I understand how you could feel like this. It can feel like a complete and utter loss and waste. When you are coping with anger and depressive states, it is hard to see what you gained.  Yes, you did give it your all. That speaks loudly in a positive manner.  It shows who you really are.  It can be really hard to see that while coping with all the hurt and pain that was inflicted. 

As others have suggested, you seem to have an inherent quality of helping people. That is a good thing.

[tim_tom]

It has been 6 months of N/C. I just got back from a vacation where I owned a time share with my ex. I used it to celebrate my birthday. I took two girlfriends and it was a nice time but sad too. It was hard seeing other couples and doing things with women like out to dinner etc. and remembering times with him.

He has not tried to contact me. I know he is with my replacement. I feel lost at times but have remained strong and had nothing to do with him. It was obvious he was cheating on me at the end and he was spending time away and there was no more intimacy. He picked fights and started detaching. We were engaged and he was losing it. I was as strong as possible and have continued to be so.

It is hard though. It is difficult being alone and not wanting really to date yet. I have gone out about 3 times and just feel I am not ready yet. Tonight I have a mix of anger and depression. I am putting my house on the market too so I can move away from him. He lives very close to me and I do not want to run into him and replacement. The pain has increased lately where I think it should have decreased by now.

Any suggestions?

I'm 8 months out of relationship, and the last few weeks have gotten a bit harder again. Suddenly I'm dreaming of her almost every night, and any little thing reminds me of her. It's not pain however, just melancholy. I'm just going to ride the wave for now and remind myself how dysfunctional the relationship was

[DyingLove]

It has been 6 months of N/C. I just got back from a vacation where I owned a time share with my ex. I used it to celebrate my birthday. I took two girlfriends and it was a nice time but sad too. It was hard seeing other couples and doing things with women like out to dinner etc. and remembering times with him.

He has not tried to contact me. I know he is with my replacement. I feel lost at times but have remained strong and had nothing to do with him. It was obvious he was cheating on me at the end and he was spending time away and there was no more intimacy. He picked fights and started detaching. We were engaged and he was losing it. I was as strong as possible and have continued to be so.

It is hard though. It is difficult being alone and not wanting really to date yet. I have gone out about 3 times and just feel I am not ready yet. Tonight I have a mix of anger and depression. I am putting my house on the market too so I can move away from him. He lives very close to me and I do not want to run into him and replacement. The pain has increased lately where I think it should have decreased by now.

Any suggestions?

I'm 8 months out of relationship, and the last few weeks have gotten a bit harder again. Suddenly I'm dreaming of her almost every night, and any little thing reminds me of her. It's not pain however, just melancholy. I'm just going to ride the wave for now and remind myself how dysfunctional the relationship was

WOW. Even after 8 months... .  I had dreams last night about the ex's 9yo.  When I have dreams about the ex, it's her, but physically it's not her... . it's usually someone else but with her identity.  Melancholy?  I'm not looking forward to that... . I want her out.  The same way she wanted me out of the house.  Still wondering how the grief can take over and plague my mind.  I'm just so sick of feeling so sick.  

[tim_tom]

WOW. Even after 8 months... .  I had dreams last night about the ex's 9yo.  When I have dreams about the ex, it's her, but physically it's not her... . it's usually someone else but with her identity.  Melancholy?  I'm not looking forward to that... . I want her out.  The same way she wanted me out of the house.  Still wondering how the grief can take over and plague my mind.  I'm just so sick of feeling so sick.  

that's bold is so funny, I had the same experience a ton when this first happened. My T was never able to give me a satisfactory answer as to what it meant