Confronting our own fears of abondonment.

[Depression = 72% of members]

So, I just maybe (I dunno, I'm inferring a lot based on really no evidence) just discovered through a mutual friend that me and my uBPDex might not be in the same city next year, and it's kind of terrifying.

To recap: we went abroad together this year and broke up in late January. It was one of those breakups that I knew was going to come eventually, but I just couldn't do it and I thought that she was willing to work through whatever was happening. We had previously both applied and been accepted to the same MA program back at home, and as far as I knew for the last couple months, both of us would be attending.

Anyways, a mitual friend (ex's best friend from way back) messaged me to wish me a happy birthday this morning. We talked for a minute, and I told her that my plan was to return home and do my MA. Life in the country that I am living in is great, don't get me wrong, but I feel that I have stagnated her in ways that aren't good for me. Being single in one of the largest cities in Europe has it's advantages, but also it's downfalls, and I definitely haven't been spending my time as productively as I can. It's time for me to do something new, to forge a new path and actually get my life together, I think.

The meat of this is that she seemed surprised that I was going back and not staying here, which kind of lead me to think or believe (I don't know why, but I'm considering these feelings) that my ex won't be attending, which means that she'll be a couple thousand miles away and I'll be unable to see her or maintain an expected friendship in person, after the dust has settled a bit more.

My thoughts on the matter are quite strange, to be perfectly honest. I do not want a relationship with her, but the idea of not even being able to see her for I don't know how long really scares me. I'm trying to think about it this way: a friendship in 5 months probably wouldn't work anyways; I am finally doing what I WANT to do; I'll really be accelerating my career ambitions being surrounded with great teachers, students, and my oldest and best friends, etc.

Despite all of that, I had never truly considered what life would really be like without my ex in it, or in its immediate radius. This really is the first time that this loss has felt real to me, and holy crap is it terrifying. It makes me think, in a lot of ways, that my own behaviors are borderline and that confronting this situation is abnormal. I mean, am I doing this the right way, and why does it make me feel so uneasy?

Logically this HAS to be good for me. It might even be dodging a bullet accidentally, but hell, I don't want to care about her plans and what she does like I do right now.

Any ideas?

[valet]

So, I just maybe (I dunno, I'm inferring a lot based on really no evidence) just discovered through a mutual friend that me and my uBPDex might not be in the same city next year, and it's kind of terrifying.

To recap: we went abroad together this year and broke up in late January. It was one of those breakups that I knew was going to come eventually, but I just couldn't do it and I thought that she was willing to work through whatever was happening. We had previously both applied and been accepted to the same MA program back at home, and as far as I knew for the last couple months, both of us would be attending.

Anyways, a mitual friend (ex's best friend from way back) messaged me to wish me a happy birthday this morning. We talked for a minute, and I told her that my plan was to return home and do my MA. Life in the country that I am living in is great, don't get me wrong, but I feel that I have stagnated her in ways that aren't good for me. Being single in one of the largest cities in Europe has it's advantages, but also it's downfalls, and I definitely haven't been spending my time as productively as I can. It's time for me to do something new, to forge a new path and actually get my life together, I think.

The meat of this is that she seemed surprised that I was going back and not staying here, which kind of lead me to think or believe (I don't know why, but I'm considering these feelings) that my ex won't be attending, which means that she'll be a couple thousand miles away and I'll be unable to see her or maintain an expected friendship in person, after the dust has settled a bit more.

My thoughts on the matter are quite strange, to be perfectly honest. I do not want a relationship with her, but the idea of not even being able to see her for I don't know how long really scares me. I'm trying to think about it this way: a friendship in 5 months probably wouldn't work anyways; I am finally doing what I WANT to do; I'll really be accelerating my career ambitions being surrounded with great teachers, students, and my oldest and best friends, etc.

Despite all of that, I had never truly considered what life would really be like without my ex in it, or in its immediate radius. This really is the first time that this loss has felt real to me, and holy crap is it terrifying. It makes me think, in a lot of ways, that my own behaviors are borderline and that confronting this situation is abnormal. I mean, am I doing this the right way, and why does it make me feel so uneasy?

Logically this HAS to be good for me. It might even be dodging a bullet accidentally, but hell, I don't want to care about her plans and what she does like I do right now.

Any ideas?

[EaglesJuju]

Hi Valet, 

I am sorry that you are going this. It is very hard to cope with feelings of loss.   

It is understandable that you are feeling terrified from your feelings of loss. It is normal to feel this way. Sometimes it takes time to fully mourn the attachment you had to your pwBPD. These feelings are a process in the stage of Kübler-Ross' stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Many times we tend to fluctuate amongst different stages, so it is not a static process. Working through all these feelings and emotions can make you feel uneasy.  There is not a normal or standard of grieving.

I think from our experiences with a pwBPD, we tend to become a little bit hypersensitive to our own behaviors. I have felt the same way and questioned myself.  It is alright to feel this way. You are going to feel confused while working through so many thoughts, emotions, and feelings.

Why do you feel terrified on hypothetically seeing your ex?

[valet]

I feel more terrified of not seeing her, assuming that she won't be enrolling in school as I thought.

It made me feel very strange, not quite panicked or super anxious, but it was more of an acute emotional pain that I really hadn't experienced before today. I reckoned with it pretty quickly though, and I feel fine either way now. It was just a shocking thought that maybe she wouldn't be there.

My reasons for feeling that way are, perhaps: our relationship lasted about 2.5 years and we had barely spent ANY time apart; we shared a lot of our lives, close mutual friends and all; we travelled the world together; met new people in new places together; grew up together, during a critical point in both of our lives; suffered massive losses together and supported each other through them.

It was a very intense relationship, much more intense than any relationship that I had ever had with ANYONE, even my own family. Honestly, when she broke up with me it felt like I had lived an entire lifetime and if I died then and there something deep within me had already been fulfilled. This is illogical, but do you understand the sentiment?\

I'm in a much different place now. I don't want her back, and am very aware of her behaviors now that I have detached and read a lot here and elsewhere. I hadn't, however, envisioned the prospect of not seeing her, potentially for another 3-4 years. I plan on finishing my MA next year and applying to MFAs, so by the time she'd be rearing to come home I'll be rearing to move away to a different city entirely, depending on which programs I am accepted to.

[EaglesJuju]

I feel more terrified of not seeing her, assuming that she won't be enrolling in school as I thought.

It made me feel very strange, not quite panicked or super anxious, but it was more of an acute emotional pain that I really hadn't experienced before today. I reckoned with it pretty quickly though, and I feel fine either way now. It was just a shocking thought that maybe she wouldn't be there.

My reasons for feeling that way are, perhaps: our relationship lasted about 2.5 years and we had barely spent ANY time apart; we shared a lot of our lives, close mutual friends and all; we travelled the world together; met new people in new places together; grew up together, during a critical point in both of our lives; suffered massive losses together and supported each other through them.

It was a very intense relationship, much more intense than any relationship that I had ever had with ANYONE, even my own family. Honestly, when she broke up with me it felt like I had lived an entire lifetime and if I died then and there something deep within me had already been fulfilled. This is illogical, but do you understand the sentiment?\

Congratulations on working on your MA. That is a huge accomplishment. 

It is tough to break an attachment. This is especially true when we factor in the intensity of a relationship of a pwBPD. The feelings of being idealized can be euphoric.  Most of our experiences made us feel alive and shared remarkable times. I understand how the thought of not seeing her bring up those emotions of losing that intensity. There is nothing illogical in feeling that way.

I have abandonment fears myself and I understand that the thought of not seeing someone again can be very painful.

[downwhim]

Valet, first of all HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

I think codependency issues flare up during these times of separation and fear of abandonment is common. Even though you are broken up just the thought of not seeing her again is frightening. I get it. I have been there. I actually thought my crazy BPD I could remain some sort of friendship with but no, it is not healthy for me.

You might want to consider the fact in a new town, new environment, you may find someone else too! Your time may be preoccupied with studies and moving etc so that you have less time to think about her. Besides the fact YOU are what is important now. HER plans are hers and you need to separate that. Do what is best for you and makes you happy, her own schooling/plans may very many times

[downwhim]

opps, auto correct... .

"I actually thought my ex and I could maintain some sort of friendship, but no, it is not healthy for me." Actually, I do not trust him and my real true friends are trustworthy.

[Vatz]

I'm the opposite. Its the thought of actually seeing her that terrifies me.

Although I remember there was a time where I felt similar. Difference I think was that I wanted to continue being together. Being friends was always akward. Lots of tension.

Come to think of it, not sure if I can relate with your issue. But I can relate to the feeling of loss. Its not easy and I sympathize.

The experiences were intense but now it just feels like a weird dream.  Unlike you though, I do not have this feeling of having something fulfilled.

If you don't see her again due to circumstance, it is what it is.

How do you take it when you lose contact with other friends/aquaintainces?

[LimboFL]

I definitely felt fears of abandonment during the relationship, she always had one foot out the door, so to speak. $ years broke me down. However, after the b/u, it would/will help me to know that she is in another city, that I won't bump into her. It's not that I don't care about her, in fact I still love her deeply and miss parts of our relationship, but it's over and there is no going back, ever, for my own sanity any form of contact, at least not for the longest time, is counter productive to my own need to move forward.

It is heartbreaking to think that someone I spent and loved for 4 years is suddenly no longer part of my life, my world, but I didn't push the relationship to the end, she did. I am not nearly ready for another relationship but it is that that I am looking forward to. Valet, a fresh start is needed, no matter how difficult it is to let go of the past. There was a point where I hurt at the thought of not seeing her again, but the only way that I would want to see her  is as my partner and only if it could be where the good over powered the bad. This cannot ever happen, so I don't want to see her, to be reminded of her beauty or to be reeled back into yearning for her, because no matter what knowledge I have in my brain to remind of the bad, and there was plenty, when you love someone as much as I loved my ex, it is too easy to fall back in.

Consider it a blessing valet. It will continue to hurt but as downwhim said, see it as a fresh start, a new beginning, a new adventure.

[valet]

Congratulations on working on your MA. That is a huge accomplishment.  

It is tough to break an attachment. This is especially true when we factor in the intensity of a relationship of a pwBPD. The feelings of being idealized can be euphoric.  Most of our experiences made us feel alive and shared remarkable times. I understand how the thought of not seeing her bring up those emotions of losing that intensity. There is nothing illogical in feeling that way.

I have abandonment fears myself and I understand that the thought of not seeing someone again can be very painful.

Thank you for the encouragement. It's nice to here that this is nothing abnormal. Makes me feel a heck of a lot more at peace with my OWN decisions.

Valet, first of all HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

I think codependency issues flare up during these times of separation and fear of abandonment is common. Even though you are broken up just the thought of not seeing her again is frightening. I get it. I have been there. I actually thought my crazy BPD I could remain some sort of friendship with but no, it is not healthy for me.

You might want to consider the fact in a new town, new environment, you may find someone else too! Your time may be preoccupied with studies and moving etc so that you have less time to think about her. Besides the fact YOU are what is important now. HER plans are hers and you need to separate that. Do what is best for you and makes you happy, her own schooling/plans may very many times

Thank you!

That's what I think I'll take away from this after a little bit more time to process things. My initial reaction was fear, but I quickly saw it more as a blessing, and now either way, if she's there or not there, I have a better grasp on my own independence. My decisions have consequences, of course, but it's important that I own them fully and not worry about how they might affect my relationship to her. That's not the point after all. I'm free, and I don't have to consider how it might affect a partnership because there isn't one anymore.

I'm the opposite. Its the thought of actually seeing her that terrifies me.

Although I remember there was a time where I felt similar. Difference I think was that I wanted to continue being together. Being friends was always akward. Lots of tension.

Come to think of it, not sure if I can relate with your issue. But I can relate to the feeling of loss. Its not easy and I sympathize.

The experiences were intense but now it just feels like a weird dream.  Unlike you though, I do not have this feeling of having something fulfilled.

If you don't see her again due to circumstance, it is what it is.

How do you take it when you lose contact with other friends/aquaintainces?

On the friends thing: I want it and think that it is possible, but I clearly need a lot more time to sort myself out and re-focus. My ambitions are not in getting her back anymore. They were for about a month after the breakup. I did really want her back at one point, but this forum has helped me to see the light in that regard. It would only end poorly and painfully. I know I've said that about a million times, but I want that be extra clear to everyone.

At this point, even, I get these long periods of time where I don't even miss her, or the relationship at all. That frightens me a little bit, but I'm assuming it's better than constantly trying to escape the pain of wanting something that isn't healthy for me. It's like her personhood is disappearing the more time passes by. Maybe that's because it was never really there?

On missing other friends: if someone moves away, or goes somewhere else, the strongest I feel is maybe slightly disappointed. I have never felt like this about any situation when I wouldn't be close to my friends. It is absolutely not devastating, and tends to drift to the bottom of the pile of my concerns in a week or so. So yeah, this is totally different.

I definitely felt fears of abandonment during the relationship, she always had one foot out the door, so to speak. $ years broke me down. However, after the b/u, it would/will help me to know that she is in another city, that I won't bump into her. It's not that I don't care about her, in fact I still love her deeply and miss parts of our relationship, but it's over and there is no going back, ever, for my own sanity any form of contact, at least not for the longest time, is counter productive to my own need to move forward.

It is heartbreaking to think that someone I spent and loved for 4 years is suddenly no longer part of my life, my world, but I didn't push the relationship to the end, she did. I am not nearly ready for another relationship but it is that that I am looking forward to. Valet, a fresh start is needed, no matter how difficult it is to let go of the past. There was a point where I hurt at the thought of not seeing her again, but the only way that I would want to see her  is as my partner and only if it could be where the good over powered the bad. This cannot ever happen, so I don't want to see her, to be reminded of her beauty or to be reeled back into yearning for her, because no matter what knowledge I have in my brain to remind of the bad, and there was plenty, when you love someone as much as I loved my ex, it is too easy to fall back in.

Consider it a blessing valet. It will continue to hurt but as downwhim said, see it as a fresh start, a new beginning, a new adventure.

Thank you, first of all. I don't know where I am, specifically, as far as my healing process is concerned. I think that I've gained a lot of perspective, but it is moments like today that keep me in check and remind me that I'm not all the way there yet, and that maybe my journey has just begun.