Sick today

[bluejeans]

I am not feeling well (getting a cold). Went to work anyway today. Feeling a bit worse tonight. Not only do I not get any sympathy from my SO, she complains about me. She says she doesn't like it when I am grumpy when I am sick (I am hardly grumpy, really). She leaves for a meeting when I am upstairs and doesn't say goodbye. I come downstairs to a note "walk the dog" and then she sends me some mean texts. WOW.  . Well, I shouldn't be surprised, this is not new. At least I get some time to myself tonight. 

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[bluejeans]

And got another text that I give everything to my work and nothing to her.  And she is mad at me because I said we may have to cancel having friends over for dinner tomorrow night. If I can go to work today, then how dare I cancel dinner?

One thing I have learned and am good at - not responding to these texts. Time to rest.

[sadeyes]

Sorry your not feeling well, bluejeans.

Unfortunately,  I know this all too well. When I am not feeling well,  I should stay in bed and not work,  but still earn the $ and wait on him hand and foot.

He has actually told me in not so many words that he gets angry & upset with me when I don't feel good,  because it scares him that he can't hardle stuff. I think it triggers abandonment fears that something could happen to me. As a result,  he gets very much on edge.

I also think it takes little bit of attention off of them and on to you. This coupled with a weakened state,  makes you am easier target.

Now logical thinking would be to help someone get rest, and take over some smaller things,  but we all know none of this is logical.

I'm thankful I don't get sick often.

Hope you feel better soon.

[bluejeans]

Thanks. I don't get sick often either... .there may be a reason for that.

[babyducks]

Hi bluejeans,

rejection sensitivity is a strange thing when it's pegged to it's outmost.   my partner used to get very upset when I would run out of energy and want to go to bed at like 10PM at night because "I was cutting off her time".  Like I had some control over when I got tired?       She still will tell me things like "you make sure you save some of your energy for me because I never get any"  which I translate to because I never get enough.

In my experience it was a form of abandonment/rejection fears.   When I am sick, which I do get fairly frequently, there is a natural in drawing of resources while I try to fight off the bug that is chewing on me.   A pwBPD can feel abandoned if you cancel lunch plans on, regardless of the reason.   They feel like their needs, wants, emotions don't matter and they have become invisible. 

Good job not responding to the negative texts in a negative way.  Especially when you aren't feeling good and it would be a heck of a lot easier to snap back.

What do you think?  Would a little gentle validation help at this point?  Something like, 'Yes it's disappointing that me being sick has changed our schedule this week, still I am sure we can work it out."

Hang in there.  Take care of yourself.   Like sadeyes said us being sick does trigger abandonment fears that don't look immediately logical to us.   A little over communication, while hard to do when you are feeling bad can some times dial down the rising panic.   I have had some luck with simple straight forward stuff like 'I know that it's important to you that X happens (fill in the blank).  Right now I don't feel well enough to do that so I am going to suggest Y instead.'

Good luck.  Take care of yourself.   Expect some boundary pushing while you are under the weather.

'ducks

[bluejeans]

In my experience it was a form of abandonment/rejection fears.   ... .They feel like their needs, wants, emotions don't matter and they have become invisible. 

This seems to be what it is.

Today I sleep in till 9 which is very unusual. I go downstairs and say good morning. I am still sick, bad headache, the tv is blasting, the dryer is going (loud because it is not working right).  Tell her I am still sick. She still wants to have her friends over for dinner, wants me to do some shopping, etc. I say that if I feel better I can pick up a few things. I get my coffee and go back upstairs to bed. She comes in and yells at me, how my "vibe" is not good, how I am causing stress, that I need to stop fighting with her, that if I continue to cause stress to her during this time (studying for her big exam next month) that she will kick me to the curb! She swears and screams this! All I say is that I am not "doing anything" which is probably not the best thing to say but I am in bed under the covers, trying to rest.  She leaves, then comes back to say - "And I need you to walk the dog". Days like this make me wonder what I am doing in this relationship at all.

[bluejeans]

So now she has cramps and feels sick, worse than me. I am not surprised. 

I validated her feelings. 

[babyducks]

Good Morning bluejeans

I hope you are feeling better today and got some rest.

I noticed this about what you wrote:

. She comes in and yells at me, how my "vibe" is not good, how I am causing stress, that I need to stop fighting with her, that if I continue to cause stress to her during this time (studying for her big exam next month) that she will kick me to the curb! She swears and screams this!

The part about being kicked to the curb could be construed as a threat.   It could be taken as verbally abusive.   

I know you are feeling cruddy right now, but maybe when your head is clearer and you are feeling better it will be time to look at putting some boundaries around this type of language.   Verbal abuse is still abuse.  And no abuse is acceptable.

That's going to be tough to do.   I would suggest you really practice and craft a response.   Something that protects you from being addressed in that tone and manner. 

What do you think?   Would it be worthwhile to open another thread to start to work on creating tools that help you respond?

'ducks

[babyducks]

I wanted to include this link.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61403.0

take a look at some of the discussion around verbal or emotional abuse; including these issues

EMOTIONAL ABUSE

Also called "Psychological or Verbal Abuse"

- false accusations

- name calling and finding fault

- verbal threats

- playing "mind games"

- making victim think she/he is stupid, or crazy

- humiliating victim

- overpowering victim's emotions

- disbelieving victim

- bringing up past issues

- inappropriate expression of jealousy

- degrading victim

- putting victim down, not defending her

- blame the victim for things

- turning the situation against the victim

- laughing in victim's face

- silence, ignoring victim

- refusing to do things with or for victim

- always getting own way

- neglecting victim

- pressuring victim

- expecting victim to conform to a role

- comparing victim to others

- suggested involvement with other women or men

- making victim feel guilty

- using certain mannerisms or behaviour as a means of control (eg. snapping fingers, pointing)

- threatening to get drunk or stoned unles... .

- manipulation

- starting arguments

- withholding affection

- holding grudges and not really forgiving

- lying

- threatening to leave or commit suicide

- treating victim as a child

- having double standards for victim

- saying one thing and meaning another

- denying or taking away victim's responsibilities

- not keeping committments

- insisting on accompanying victim to the doctor's office

- deliberately creating a mess for victim to clean

- preventing victim from getting or taking a job

- threatening her with anything (words, objects)

- refusing to deal with issues

- minimising or disregarding victim's work or accomplishments

- demanding an account of victim's time/routine

- taking advantage of victim's fear

[bluejeans]

Thanks, babyducks. I do see this as verbally abusive. That has been an issue for a long time. She has gotten better overall but lately it has been bad. The comment about kicking me to the curb is interesting (and weird) because luckily for me, I own the condo we live in and I pay all the bills so I am not threatened by it in that way. But I do know she has been in contact with a lawyer so that if we do break up she will try to assert some kind of rights. Who knows.

Anyway, you are right about having some response to her abuse. I will work on that. I do recognize it as abusive and she has even acknowledged that she is abusive. She is the only person in my life who has ever talked to me this way. I often question myself as to why I put up with it.

So I did take the dog out for a long walk and did do the shopping. We did have our friends over (really, her friends) and it was a nice time. We put on a good show as far as getting along.

Today she did not even look at me when I went downstairs. She did however later on say "thanks for giving me your cold" and send another long email about how I need to work on myself. Oh, and a text, "please take the dog on a long walk".  Even though I am still sick, she has foot problems (it is legit) so she can't take him on long walks.

I am looking forward to some rest today.