Reconnecting with estranged non parent

[knockitoff]

Hi, I was wondering if anyone here had some tips for reconnecting after decades with a nonBPD estranged parent. My parents divorced when I was I was 8 and my sister 5. My father left and my mother, whom I'm sure has BPD, spent a good amount of time trash talking him to us. (She also said the token divorce thing you're supposed to: "I don't regret meeting him because I had you two wonderful daughters", etc.) And it is true that he never paid child support and moved out of state. But he never stopped writing letters. I have 30 years of letters from him in two suitcases, over a 1,000 at this point. I've written back too, although not as prolifically. I've found out things about the mental illness in his family, some of his behavioral quirks, and that he's never stopped thinking of us. He's never remarried and has lived with his wacky widowed mom since the divorce. It's very Grey Gardens. Well, my grandmother just passed a few months ago and since none of us are getting any younger I booked a plane ticket out of my pocket (I'm not rich) to go see him. Because I just want to get his side of the story before it's too late. I've been wanting to visit for years and I burst into tears when my grandmother died because I never got to see her again. I'm in my late 30s and besides seeing him in a courtroom when I was 16 (child support) and once when I was 20 (he popped into town and showed up unannounced on my doorstep) I've had no contact with him face to face. I'm leaving in 5 days and I just wanted to ask if anyone has had experience with this before and if there are any particulars I should be wary of. I'm keeping my expectations very low. I told my SO, "I might get down there and it turns out he's a real jerk." and he was like, "Based on his letters I don't think so." My sister is a little more wary, since she went to live with him for a total of 4 days when she was 13. She thinks he's weird. And actually he is. His letters tell me that too. (My therapist said she'd never seen anything like them, they are like art pieces each one, with clippings and notes and photos and quotes and montages and the finest strangest penmanship and nebulous non-committal language with hopes and philosophies, very quirky.) I should also say that my mother has never quit hounding him for back child-support and there is still an open case against him in his state of residence (Texas) and since I don't really know him enough to trust him I wonder if I should mention that I think mom has BPD. I know from my own upbringing that I just wanna be loved by everyone and I want everything to be OK, and fast, so I have a tendency to overshare. He told me his psychologist friend said it was rare for adult children to reconnect with estranged parents. But I've only had clues to my mom's behavior for a couple years now, so that's why all this is coming together now. (I won't be telling her I'm visiting, on account of keeping things simpler.) I guess I just would like any input y'all can give me about a situation like this. Thanks in advance, and be well.

[Leaving]

Hi Knockitoff,

Wow, everyone's situation is as different as their parents.  I take it that your mother is bitter?  Geesh, still going after child support?   Do you think your father is just an eccentric artist type or maybe narcissistic?  My initial reaction is to tell you that there's nothing wrong with meeting with him and forming your own opinion since you're an adult ( as long as he's safe).

I don't know if it's rare that  children meet with their estranged parents.  I find that hard to believe because estranged children have the same curiosity as adopted children do and most adopted kids at some point want to search for their bio parents.  Maybe most estranged parents don't want to meet their kids?

I'll share my story with you re: my own personal experience with reconnecting with my father because it

sounds like you and I had almost identical situations growing up.  First let me say that I did reconnect with my father on two separate occasions- mainly because I ran into him in the strangest places that were not even common to our home geography!  Imagine the shock and awkwardness of recognizing your father in a remote seaside town but him not recognizing you.  Each time we agreed to set a date to meet for lunch or dinner.  Even though the meetings were fine, we didn't continue our relationship - mostly on his part.  I don't blame him.  Truthfully, I think it would have been too hard for him given how many years had passed and I also believe he feared getting involved with anyone who was involved with my BPD/NPD mother even though I was an adult. I'm not excusing him or his fatherly duties but I'm just saying that it's not easy jumping back into the frying pan.  My mother made his life hell and she used me to hurt him terribly.  In fact, it was me who asked him to leave because my mother had brainwashed me into believing he was a horrible man and had to leave one night.  He was kept from seeing us- not by the courts but by my mother.  She made it very difficult and violent each time he would come for child visitation and he didn't fight for us in the courts.  I think he just figured it would be best if he stayed away because then the drama and violence wouldn't continue between he and my mother.

Had my father showed an interest in reconnecting longterm, I would have been open to that keeping in mind that it would be like gaining a new friend and building from there.  I mean, I had no life with him except for when I was very young and that doesn't really count in terms of relating as adults.   I was 18 the first time I saw him and 31 the second time.  I had become an entirely different person than the little 8 year old girl he knew.  So when I met him at age 31 it was mainly because I had been NC with my mother for a few years and  was discovering the truth about myself, my mother, my family, etc... . and I wanted to meet my father and just see what he was like and see if maybe there was hope for us that maybe I might have something in common with him.  I didn't have anything in common with my mother - nothing!  I also wanted a parent but I didn't go into our meetings expecting him to lush all over me and want to give me everything he never had a chance to.  I truly didn't expect anything.  Come what may, right?

I hope it will be good for you to reconnect with your father and I think it will be as long as you don't put any unrealistic expectations on it. It doesn't sound like you are.  Meeting my father wasn't a life defining moment for me but it did help me to see so much of myself in him and connect with my other half.   We liked the same things, were very analytical, musical, loved science. It really made me feel good to know that I was genetically related to him and I felt more grounded.  A few years ago I found out on the internet that he had died and no one  told me and I wasn't even mentioned in his obituary.  There is a legit reason for that but even so, it was strange to learn he had died that way.  I guess in some ways it was good that I met him as an adult before he died.  Learning he had died made me cry at first but then I felt very calm and at peace. I said a prayer and thanked him for being a good father when he was able to be.  It was closure for me.  I could put an ending on that unfinished chapter of my life.

I hope both of you can be compassionate and willing to create your own relationship minus old baggage.  It's ok to ask questions about your childhood and form your own opinions of him.  I wouldn't tolerate him bashing your mother though.  I guess what I'm saying is that it's not right when parents bad mouth each other to their kids PERIOD and regardless of how luny your mother may be, she did keep a roof over your head.   

Lastly, as a family historian, I do think it is very important for you to meet him at least once before he passes.   I think you should learn what you can about him and his family and write it down because once that information is lost, it's lost forever.  One day you or your children will want that information.  Everyone has a story to tell.  Keep it real and honest.

My brother ( who lives in denial) says that it doesn't matter where we come from and that it only matters where we are going but I don't agree with him anymore.  His opinion sounds admirable but I have learned that when we deny our past, including our ancestor's history we are bound to repeat (which is only good if your ancestor is Warren Buffet).  So, I believe that free will is only experienced when we know where we came from and can make an informed choice about how we want to live our lives and where we want to go.  The mistakes of the past are our ancestor's gifts to us to help us live a better life than they did.

Hope that helps some.

Let me know how your visit goes.  I really want to know!

Have a safe trip and keep an open heart and mind. 

[knockitoff]

Thank you so much for your jewel of a story, Learning. Our experience does sound incredibly similar, and you've hit on a lot of things I've considered and some new things I haven't. I definitely see him as an adult child now and I don't hate him; I'm not even sure I ever did. I sure was angry with him for leaving us alone with her though; I'm still holding onto some anger but it's going away gradually. The little girl me is still sad but the grown-up me knows the score.

That is amazing that you ran into your dad in a seaside town and recognized him out of a crowd of strangers. Like a novel, except you wouldn't believe it in a novel.

Thanks for making me feel not so alone in this; now all I have to do is manage my anxiety for the next few days. I've been having horrific nightmares for the past week or so, but I think they'll pass. It's definitely gonna be Mr. Toad's Wild Ride for the next few weeks. Thanks again.

[Leaving]

Thank you so much for your jewel of a story, Learning. Our experience does sound incredibly similar, and you've hit on a lot of things I've considered and some new things I haven't. I definitely see him as an adult child now and I don't hate him; I'm not even sure I ever did. I sure was angry with him for leaving us alone with her though; I'm still holding onto some anger but it's going away gradually. The little girl me is still sad but the grown-up me knows the score.

That is amazing that you ran into your dad in a seaside town and recognized him out of a crowd of strangers. Like a novel, except you wouldn't believe it in a novel.

Thanks for making me feel not so alone in this; now all I have to do is manage my anxiety for the next few days. I've been having horrific nightmares for the past week or so, but I think they'll pass. It's definitely gonna be Mr. Toad's Wild Ride for the next few weeks. Thanks again.

Hello again,

When I met my father at age 31, one of things I confronted him with was my anger in leaving me with my mother.  I wasn't really angry but I was very frustrated with my relationship ( or lack of) with my mother and  curious as to how he could have possibly thought that I could live with such an insane woman. I told him it was hell and that I didn't understand her at all.  He didn't say anything negative about her- all he said was, ' Your mother loved you very much' and I suspect that he only said that because it sort of got him off the hook? I told him that if she loved me than it wasn't the kind of love that I approve of or needed and that it was harmful and it hurt.  I told him that if I had children I wouldn't leave my child with her! When I was in HS, I used to sit with my girlfriends and talk about how I would have to keep it a secret from my family that I had kids and I would try to think of a place to live far enough away that no one would find out. 

My mother's parents had a lot of money and security and the ability to save us from becoming homeless so, I'm assuming that is one reason he chose to just let mom raise us without his interference.  My father wasn't a great provider but he was a good father in many other respects WHEN he was living with us.

What are your nightmares about?  I'm so sorry you are having them.  I hate when that happens because my nightmares affect me all day long as if I'm in a trance.  Please don't worry about meeting him.  You won't become his prisoner and you can leave if you don't like being there.  The first time my father and I met was in a small town restaurant and we had lunch.  That wasn't really a great meeting.  The second time was at my house and it was just the two of us.  It was much better because I felt more free to discuss anything with him.

I often think about how strange it must have been for my father to receive my phone call that morning when I contacted him.  It was a Sunday morning at about 9am!  He had no heard from me since I was 18.  I was very upset, crying and I called and his wife answered and I asked for ' my dad'.  Can you imagine the sheer shock?  I'm assuming his wife knew he had a daughter... .?  Anyway, it turned out ok but like I said, we didn't continue our relationship.

If anything angers me today, it is that as a girl, I had no one in my life who appreciated my interests like science and nature and art and even worse, my mother tried to discourage me in all my pursuits.  When I met my dad, I learned that almost everyone in his family was a biologist or doctor and I felt a surge of anger rise in me out of sheer frustration in remembering how I struggled to share my life with my mom and brother and never getting any support or interest whatsoever.  I had no one to help me in school or do things with.  I was basically alone.  I had no childhood really.  I was always stressed out and full of insecurity which has taken a toll on my body.