New and needing support

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello,

 I am not sure where to start. I am a 29 year old female who has been married to my husband for a little over 2 years, we have been together about 8 years. He is the one who was diagnosed with BPD years before I met him. He has always been up front about it, so I never seen a reason to seek support because I thought he had a handle on it. Ignorance is not bliss, apparently. I suffer from anxiety and depression myself and am a very sensitive, empathetic, person who figured all of my husband rants were justified. I have dealt pretty well with it, until recently when I have my own personal struggles going on. Right now, I am severely depressed and walking on eggshells every day. I thought I was alone in all of this until yesterday. I finally told my therapist what had been going on, and to my amazement he is a partner in a BPD relationship. I felt relief that he understood and he suggested I seek support from others. My husband is not in therapy himself and does not take medication. From what I can tell, he is not as bad as others with this disorder, but I honestly could be biased at this point. I love him and never want to imagine my life without him, but I need some support. He goes on these rants when things don't go his way, and I always take the blame even when I know I am not really at fault. I feel it is my job to be, because I guess my own personal issues. I just want him to be happy and healthy, but right now I need some support and I am not sure how to get it. We don't have children yet- that is a big issue for me, but now I am even more concerned to think we may not be as stable as I once thought. I am living my life one day at a time, waiting and worrying when the next rant or episode is going to start. I would appreciate any help and advice how to deal with these issues. One thing, I think we have going for us is we do communicate somewhat to the best of our abilities when we are upset, we just need more tools. We are committed to each other and never had any major deal breakers in our relationship, but I feel I am slowly pulling away from him more and more. I do not want that, he is my best friend, and my first love. He is 38 by the way, from a very unstable family, who was later brought up in a children's home. His parents are now deceased. He has siblings in another state he does not talk to so I am his only support. Sorry for all the writing, I am just relieved to be here!

[SweetnSpunky122]

Hello,

 I am not sure where to start. I am a 29 year old female who has been married to my husband for a little over 2 years, we have been together about 8 years. He is the one who was diagnosed with BPD years before I met him. He has always been up front about it, so I never seen a reason to seek support because I thought he had a handle on it. Ignorance is not bliss, apparently. I suffer from anxiety and depression myself and am a very sensitive, empathetic, person who figured all of my husband rants were justified. I have dealt pretty well with it, until recently when I have my own personal struggles going on. Right now, I am severely depressed and walking on eggshells every day. I thought I was alone in all of this until yesterday. I finally told my therapist what had been going on, and to my amazement he is a partner in a BPD relationship. I felt relief that he understood and he suggested I seek support from others. My husband is not in therapy himself and does not take medication. From what I can tell, he is not as bad as others with this disorder, but I honestly could be biased at this point. I love him and never want to imagine my life without him, but I need some support. He goes on these rants when things don't go his way, and I always take the blame even when I know I am not really at fault. I feel it is my job to be, because I guess my own personal issues. I just want him to be happy and healthy, but right now I need some support and I am not sure how to get it. We don't have children yet- that is a big issue for me, but now I am even more concerned to think we may not be as stable as I once thought. I am living my life one day at a time, waiting and worrying when the next rant or episode is going to start. I would appreciate any help and advice how to deal with these issues. One thing, I think we have going for us is we do communicate somewhat to the best of our abilities when we are upset, we just need more tools. We are committed to each other and never had any major deal breakers in our relationship, but I feel I am slowly pulling away from him more and more. I do not want that, he is my best friend, and my first love. He is 38 by the way, from a very unstable family, who was later brought up in a children's home. His parents are now deceased. He has siblings in another state he does not talk to so I am his only support. Sorry for all the writing, I am just relieved to be here!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[misuniadziubek]

You are definitely not alone. So many of us have been there, started where you are. Perhaps still are where you are.

It's a hard path to walk. It takes a lot of strength and awareness. Many people don't understand the hardships, the sacrifices. Many would abandon ship. You haven't. You love your husband, you want to make it work.

The biggest thing I would say is to start on the lessons on the left side. There's so many useful workshops and resources, and of course the discussion page.

You've obviously become exhausted from always taking the blame in his rants. Perhaps it would be helpful to reflect on yourself, your strengths and weaknesses, how you handle yourself in times of stress and start there.

When we constantly endure personal attacks on ourselves, we start to develop a chronic defensive state, a barrier to your inner self, a wall. It becomes a complete disconnect in your relationship and you have no where to turn for solace.

I don't know much, but what I do for is that the more time I spend in refection and discussion the stronger I feel about hope for my own relationship with my uBPDbf.

It's never too late to realise that you count too. I know myself I spent so much time fixing things for my bf that I lost track of fixing things for myself.

Life is not counted through cycles of dysregulation in our partners.

"" internet hugs "" a lot of them

[formflier]

Hello,

 I am not sure where to start.

You just did a great job starting here!  I'm glad you found us... .and I'm looking forward to getting to know you better.

 

I understand the confusion, hurt and frustration you are going through... .  You want a closer r/s (relationship)... .but feel yourself pulling away... .and don't quite understand how to "pull closer".

Here is the thing... .your reactions, emotions are completely normal... .for you and the way you think and feel.

Your challenge is to gain a better understanding of how he thinks and feels.  Since he is not in treatment... .he most likely doesn't understand this (accurately) for himself. 

Once you understand the dynamic... .you can begin making changes to get to a healthier, happier... .place.  How does that sound?

  I finally told my therapist what had been going on, and to my amazement he is a partner in a BPD relationship.

This is a great resource to have.  How often do you see your "T" (therapist in board speak).

we just need more tools. We are committed to each other and never had any major deal breakers in our relationship,

Wonderful!  We have tools... .and we'll help you learn them.

Post again soon!

FF

[LilMe]

You have come to the right place!  You must check out the lessons on the right side of this page --------------------------------------------------------->

It takes time and lots of practice, but you can learn to minimize the rants.

Glad you found us :^)