Silent Treatment Defined... for 7 months?

[JRT]

I have not heard from my exBPD fiance in close to 7 months. She moved out shortly after moving in to my house and did so while I was out of town. She cut me off and blocked me and I have not heard from her other than a text informing me that she moved out, our relationship was over and that I should not attempt to contact her ever again.

While we had recycled in the past, I was expecting that there would be some sort of contact by this point in time but at this point in time I am thinking that I am in the out of sight and out of mind zone. Although I profoundly miss her and still care deeply about her, I have been doing fairly well (with the exception of some occasional triggers here and there) I have been finding the elusive sense of closure to be preventing me from moving on.

She and I had a really nice relationship. There was no raging, cheating or lying as in classic borderline r/s. Nor did we ever argue to speak of. So it goes without saying that I am still incredibly amazed that not only she left suddenly and abruptly, but that she has managed to not contact me for all of these months. Intending to respect her boundaries and pursue NC for myself, what few and entirely civil attempts that I have made have been met with extreme contempt (calling the cops, lawyers, etc,).

I found the following explanation for the 'silent treatment' on a website about narcissism but felt that since they are both cluster B disorders that it would extend itself to BPD's as well:

The Silent Treatment

The silent treatment is a common punishment in many relationships. It is manifested by one partner who completely ignores the other: going through their typical day as if the other person were invisible or absent, even if they are standing right in front of them or talking to them. Some have argued that the silent treatment is more abusive than physical harm as it can be more appropriately thought of as a form of torture. This is especially true the longer it goes on. It is usually used to express contempt or disapproval. The term was first coined in 1947; the silent treatment is very common and used by a lot of people.

Narcissistic Silent Treatment

The silent treatment is frequently utilized as a lever to gain control in the power struggles of many relationships. Never is this more evident than in the conflicts of a narcissistic relationship. When a narcissist uses the silent treatment with someone, they take it to the extreme. A narcissist may refuse to speak to or even acknowledge someone for great lengths of time- and then demand an apology that is out of proportion to the perceived offense. By demanding this apology, it supports the narcissist’s inflated view of himself or herself. The silent treatment is a common form of abuse used by people who cannot tolerate being on the receiving end of someone else’s self-assertiveness. The silent treatment effectually cuts the victim off from the abuser; it sends a clear message to the victim about how insignificant they are and how easy it is for the abuser to live without them. It is utilized by insecure people with a poor self image who cannot keep up their end of a relationship through dialogue. When the victim does something that displeases the narcissist, they cease to exist for a certain period of time-most often extensive and disproportionate amounts of time.

The narcissist also uses the silent treatment, apathy or a general current of hostility to throw their partner off balance. The narcissist does this to find out exactly how much control they have over their victim. The most typical reason is to “punish” their partner for something they failed to do or some wrong they did (and probably are unaware of). Of course, if the partner directly asks the narcissist about it they will deny it.

It seems plausible that the narcissist also uses the silent treatment as a way to get a reaction from his partner. All narcissists use the silent treatment as a way to validate and assess the amount of control they have over a person. Typically, the victim would ask a narcissist what is wrong, why are you ignoring me, etc. This gives the narcissist power and control. It allows him or her power to do whatever they wish; if the partner doesn't accept their behavior, or rejects their behavior, narcissists will then use the silent treatment again to draw them back in to the cycle.



Welcome at The Narcissistic Life and thank you for visiting and reading my website. My name is Alexander Burgemeester and I’m a Psychologist for more than 5 years now. I like my job, but what I like more is sharing and writing about Psychology.

www.thenarcissisticlife.com/the-narcissists-silent-treatment/

So there has been some debate that I have read here regarding the silent treatment versus being cut off but as I understand it, being cut off is a more encompassing flavor of the silent treatment.

My question is this: as this definition reads, the silent treatment suggests that it is a power struggle or assertion of control. My relationship appears to be over for good (but at the same time it FEELS like it is on hold for some reason). I don't know for sure but she does not seem to have a replacement AND she has been coping by over eating as she has gained a considerable amount of weight. It almost seems that from these two things alone that she is in some kind of 'entrenchment mode', waiting for something to pass. For me to chase her? For me to defy the law and come and get her? There are some other things that make me believe that this is possible. I can't help to conclude that there is something that I am missing here.

Anyone else out there have a similar case, experience or opinions in this regard? I feel as if I have the sword of Damocles hanging over my head... .

[GrowThroughIt]

Hi JRT

I feel that maybe she is in a place where she does not want a relationship with you. Judging by her actions of calling the cops etc.

The real question you may have to look at is, why do you feel stuck?

You could try to evaluate her silence etc and pick out a reason, but I feel the issue is with you. You can't seem to move on and that's what you really need to focus on. Don't focus on her silence.

Not sure if any of that makes sense!

[ShadowIntheNight]

Right there with you JRT. I have read some posts from members on the other two relationship boards and some of them have stated that their ex's gave them the silent treatment for up to a year in one instance. I would trust your gut on this one. I don't feel like mine is over. And I suspect she is still pissed about her birthday from last August. I know that sounds crazy, but whatever.

The person who got the ST from her ex said he told her that he was angry at her for chasing him, then when she left him alone, he was angry that she didn't reach out to him. So there's one person's experience.

I know my ex definitely has the NPD stuff going on. I can imagine her chewing me out in about three or four months, just to make her way back in.

[myself]

It almost seems... . that she is in some kind of 'entrenchment mode', waiting for something to pass. For me to chase her? For me to defy the law and come and get her?

Are you feeling to rescue her, from something she is choosing to do?

I agree with GrowThroughIt, there are personal things worth looking into.

The closure is the end of the relationship, and accepting it's over.

She's said she's done, and has remained gone. Goodbye. Don't contact her.

Maybe it's not silent treatment, she's just moved on. Disordered or not.

NC may be best for both of you, and she's following through with it.

[zundertowz]

Its really not silent treatment if the relationship is over BPD or not people break up and then dont talk again. I dont really expect my ex to ever reach out again... .Im black in her mind and shes on to the next.

[Inside]

JRT, she’s totally ashamed of herself, and communicating with you would only deepen that shame…  She is running, attempting to escape the pain of facing the limits she’ll forever have, but can’t admit.  The best pwBPD get are snippets of time in which ‘it feels right,’ until it doesn’t.  Then they run.  Often they feel like ending the pain, some do.  She'll feel forever guilty for the pain she’s caused you, but can’t admit her role in it... .

You’re not likely her first, nor last.  In fact, I view the health of our community here is due to the fact we so out-number pwBPD!  My exuBPDgf has likely done this to 25 guys in her life, so that’s 25 to 1.  Her worst nightmare is having to explain herself to any of us!  So she continues to run … while constantly sending signals of availability and desire to her next host…  It’s a cycle, one in which we often play a small and temporary role. 

It’s not us, it’s them.  But they’ll project it on us if they can.  Going NC was mine’s way of inflicting the pain she constantly feels on me.  They must figure that if we felt their level of pain, we’d understand and forgive them…  Also, they love to be chased, but not caught.  Their self-worth is measured by how desirable others find them, but they can’t maintain that level of deception in reality - so they shove us away and run ... .hoping we’ll follow - yet frightened we’ll catch them... .

They are insane ... .sad to say, and it can drive us insane attempting to make sense of it... .  Mine continued to play the pull-push game after going NC.  One day I got a formal letter threatening that I never contact her, demanding I “cease and desist” - - two weeks later she’s texting me wondering ‘how I’m doing?’  I didn’t answer, and never will... .  Mine would drink, party, or hole-up in her room with migraines while living vicariously through music.  She’d also eat... . 

Guess I’m trying to answer your question as, it will never make sense, to us.  So we’re forced to live within their limits, their twisted reality until we can no longer take it, or they bolt.  They wanted it to work, they never wanted it to end, so they leave it open-ended (mine even described having done that before).  NC is their pressure relief valve.  To us, it’s an undeserved hell.  Either way, the r/s is seriously flawed and likely terminal.  Please continue to move away, and consider NC the only ‘blessing,’ as it’s forcing you to - even she knows it’s best for you.

[JRT]

JRT, she’s totally ashamed of herself, and communicating with you would only deepen that shame…  She is running, attempting to escape the pain of facing the limits she’ll forever have, but can’t admit.  The best pwBPD get are snippets of time in which ‘it feels right,’ until it doesn’t.  Then they run.  Often they feel like ending the pain, some do.  She'll feel forever guilty for the pain she’s caused you, but can’t admit her role in it... .

You’re not likely her first, nor last.  In fact, I view the health of our community here is due to the fact we so out-number pwBPD!  My exuBPDgf has likely done this to 25 guys in her life, so that’s 25 to 1.  Her worst nightmare is having to explain herself to any of us!  So she continues to run … while constantly sending signals of availability and desire to her next host…  It’s a cycle, one in which we often play a small and temporary role. 

It’s not us, it’s them.  But they’ll project it on us if they can.  Going NC was mine’s way of inflicting the pain she constantly feels on me.  They must figure that if we felt their level of pain, we’d understand and forgive them…  Also, they love to be chased, but not caught.  Their self-worth is measured by how desirable others find them, but they can’t maintain that level of deception in reality - so they shove us away and run ... .hoping we’ll follow - yet frightened we’ll catch them... .

They are insane ... .sad to say, and it can drive us insane attempting to make sense of it... .  Mine continued to play the pull-push game after going NC.  One day I got a formal letter threatening that I never contact her, demanding I “cease and desist” - - two weeks later she’s texting me wondering ‘how I’m doing?’  I didn’t answer, and never will... .  Mine would drink, party, or hole-up in her room with migraines while living vicariously through music.  She’d also eat... . 

Guess I’m trying to answer your question as, it will never make sense, to us.  So we’re forced to live within their limits, their twisted reality until we can no longer take it, or they bolt.  They wanted it to work, they never wanted it to end, so they leave it open-ended (mine even described having done that before).  NC is their pressure relief valve.  To us, it’s an undeserved hell.  Either way, the r/s is seriously flawed and likely terminal.  Please continue to move away, and consider NC the only ‘blessing,’ as it’s forcing you to - even she knows it’s best for you.

with her, its ST for sure... .she has not moved on as we would expect a BPD to do (there is no replacement that I am know of and she typically goes through periods of no romantic attachment between men. She has also taken to depression as evidence by a 30-5-lb recent weight gain. lookin back, she had done this before under similar circumstances)... .in fact, it appears that she is not coping well with her own decision and actions at all... .perhaps it adds to the ':)amocles effect' for me to begin with; I should not care what is going on on her end.  But I have this intuition about the entire situation; some based on my instincts about her and some based on her behavior both in and out of the r/s. Its the oddest thing and why I even bring it up: if the overwhelming majority use ST for a shorter duration AND/OR attempt to reengage, what the hell is she doing and expecting.

I have to assert, again, that I had a pretty good r/s with her. In fact, I had an excellent r/s outside of 6 recycles. Had we had the rages and acrimony involved, I would still be running. But that just wasn't the case with us and I feel a sense that something is right around the corner on a day in and day out basis or that I did not read a sign of hers properly. Its just a feeling but even BPD's make sense within a BPD framework; there are many commonalities and behaviors among them. This one, however, is odd to their behavior palate.

I agree entire with your take Inside, but it feels like I am in part of a cycle, not beyond a ending.

[cosmonaut]

In my (nonprofessional) opinion the underlying psychology is different in pwBPD and pwNPD, even as the behavior is very similar.

As your mentioned, for a narcissist the silent treatment is all about punishment and control.  It is designed to force you back into the role of compliant narcissistic battery.  I dealt with this routinely as a child, and it was all about my mother's need to maintain control over her most perfect source of supply: her child.

For a pwBPD, the silent treatment is more of a tool of escape, just as Inside said too.  It is a way of removing themselves from the engulfment, abandonment fears, and overwhelming emotion of the relationship.  It is also a way for them to try to form some degree of limited autonomy - the desperate attempt of their underdeveloped self to finally emerge.  It may also be used punitively, but in my view it is in the way that a young child throws their toy at you: it's less about hurting you than about getting you to see how hurt THEY are.

In any case, the silent treatment is hell.  I dealt with it all of my childhood, and I also often dealt with it from my ex.  It is very hurtful, abusive behavior.  I'm sorry that you have had to deal with it too.

[jhkbuzz]

I think it's important to recognize that the description you provided of 'the silent treatment' was the behavior of someone in a relationship.  Choosing not to communicate with someone after you've left them is in an entirely different category.

[JRT]

In my (nonprofessional) opinion the underlying psychology is different in pwBPD and pwNPD, even as the behavior is very similar.

As your mentioned, for a narcissist the silent treatment is all about punishment and control.  It is designed to force you back into the role of compliant narcissistic battery.  I dealt with this routinely as a child, and it was all about my mother's need to maintain control over her most perfect source of supply: her child.

For a pwBPD, the silent treatment is more of a tool of escape, just as Inside said too.  It is a way of removing themselves from the engulfment, abandonment fears, and overwhelming emotion of the relationship.  It is also a way for them to try to form some degree of limited autonomy - the desperate attempt of their underdeveloped self to finally emerge.  It may also be used punitively, but in my view it is in the way that a young child throws their toy at you: it's less about hurting you than about getting you to see how hurt THEY are.

In any case, the silent treatment is hell.  I dealt with it all of my childhood, and I also often dealt with it from my ex.  It is very hurtful, abusive behavior.  I'm sorry that you have had to deal with it too.

Makes perfectly good sense with the framework of BPD to me and it resonates with her overall personality. Should her behavior, then have corresponding meaning? Am I within a cycle then, waiting for the hammer to drop? Having considered the above, it seems to support the idea.

It IS hell especially as I feel that something is imminent just by knowing her, BPD and the nuances of the situation. Even though I do not want a r/s with her any longer and I feel very little if any pain, I still feel stuck... .as if I am waiting for something to happen. For my sentence to finish or be commuted.

[JRT]

I think it's important to recognize that the description you provided of 'the silent treatment' was the behavior of someone in a relationship.  Choosing not to communicate with someone after you've left them is in an entirely different category.

I didn't really see defined clearly as such... .either way, I think that it applies.

[Inside]

I have to assert, again, that I had a pretty good r/s with her. In fact, I had an excellent r/s outside of 6 recycles. Had we had the rages and acrimony involved, I would still be running. But that just wasn't the case with us and I feel a sense that something is right around the corner on a day in and day out basis or that I did not read a sign of hers properly. Its just a feeling but even BPD's make sense within a BPD framework; there are many commonalities and behaviors among them. This one, however, is odd to their behavior palate.

I agree entire with your take Inside, but it feels like I am in part of a cycle, not beyond a ending.

But 6 recycles, why?  I had 7… and that’s no source of pride, as I now view it as further proof something was seriously wrong. 

I still feel your BPex knows she’s not up to what it takes to keep it working.  I don’t know your age or stage in life, but I made a devastating mistake early in life by marrying a person who needed constant support and care from me.  After two children and nearly 3 decades of marriage, she fell apart…  I was left alone to finish raising our daughters … and in walked the BPex.

Yes, we love them deeply, and they love us to the extent of their limited ability, but our love and devotion can only sustain them ... .until it doesn’t.  Actually, she’s doing you a favor, and I suspect she secretly views it as such.  Let her.  She likely knows more of her condition and limitations than you.  They can fake it, and do - that’s how we’re trapped.  But that’s all they’ve got, eventually burn out, and we’re left, contact or not…

I know the feeling of doubting yourself all-too-well.  It’s how I was raised and no doubt what left me blind to dysfunction.  No more.  I’ve now suffered and lost far too much in life not to have learned that there is a percentage (28%) of the population that’s not right.  They usually know it, though put on an act of normalcy as a form of protection.  We’ve got to see behind their mask, as they began to fear and resent us for it... .  And if they truly love us, though they rarely describe or admit it, they’ll leave us.  Yes, it’s like having a deadly tumor removed with a pocket knife and no anesthetic - but it’s gone, and our lives are saved.

Hard to be thankful though, isn’t it…  I don’t have all the answers, but am willing to share what life’s taught me.  Most of us around here are likely givers, if to our detriment…  Let her go, even she knows it needs to be.  Then heal, no matter how deep and painful the wound.  If there’s something about her that sparked your life, that gets to remain yours, an expensive reminder of this life lesson.  Most of all, trust yourself, she never could.  The part of this that’s ‘us’ is our willingness to doubt ourselves.  Make yourself your focus, for now.  Heal, then become again a part of life ~

[cosmonaut]

Makes perfectly good sense with the framework of BPD to me and it resonates with her overall personality. Should her behavior, then have corresponding meaning? Am I within a cycle then, waiting for the hammer to drop? Having considered the above, it seems to support the idea.

It IS hell especially as I feel that something is imminent just by knowing her, BPD and the nuances of the situation. Even though I do not want a r/s with her any longer and I feel very little if any pain, I still feel stuck... .as if I am waiting for something to happen. For my sentence to finish or be commuted.

I think that jhkbuzz is right in that the silent treatment is something that is more defined within the context of a relationship.  It's complicated, however, because the same fundamentals are at work in both the silent treatment and the running away/breakup/discard.  It's more a matter of degrees.  Eventually, the relationship becomes so engulfing, confusing, and painful that the pwBPD bolts in a lasting way.  This may be temporary (even if they only seek to return years later) or it may be permanent.  In some ways, it is highly individualized.  Some pwBPD immediately seek a new attachment once they have left, but some pwBPD can become serious hermits.  Some pwBPD return to former relationships, and some do not.  Since BPD is such an impulsive disorder, I am not sure there is a way to predict what will happen.

[cosmonaut]

The research that I had done as it relates to this seems to support this. Yes, one can call it degrees but its born of similar motivations as well as punishment; it all depends upon the person. Be it temporary or permanent, I am not sure that it would be referred to as anything different - would it?

I suppose it really is sort of semantics, but I think when people speak of the silent treatment, they usually are speaking of something shorter term.  It is very complex in BPD, however.  I think it is much more straight forward in NPD.

And if they truly love us, though they rarely describe or admit it, they’ll leave us.  Yes, it’s like having a deadly tumor removed with a pocket knife and no anesthetic - but it’s gone, and our lives are saved.

I believe this too.  When my ex broke up she apologized to me that she was so "messed up" and in a very resigned and sad way said that she was sorry she couldn't give me the love and attention that I deserved.  That she wished she could be "a normal girlfriend" and she didn't think she was ever going to be happy.  She begged me to find someone else.  In reflecting on it, I do think is some very disordered way she felt like she was doing the loving thing in setting me free from her.

[jhkbuzz]

Makes perfectly good sense with the framework of BPD to me and it resonates with her overall personality. Should her behavior, then have corresponding meaning? Am I within a cycle then, waiting for the hammer to drop? Having considered the above, it seems to support the idea.

It IS hell especially as I feel that something is imminent just by knowing her, BPD and the nuances of the situation. Even though I do not want a r/s with her any longer and I feel very little if any pain, I still feel stuck... .as if I am waiting for something to happen. For my sentence to finish or be commuted.

I think that jhkbuzz is right in that the silent treatment is something that is more defined within the context of a relationship.  It's complicated, however, because the same fundamentals are at work in both the silent treatment and the running away/breakup/discard.  It's more a matter of degrees.  Eventually, the relationship becomes so engulfing, confusing, and painful that the pwBPD bolts in a lasting way.  This may be temporary (even if they only seek to return years later) or it may be permanent.  In some ways, it is highly individualized.  Some pwBPD immediately seek a new attachment once they have left, but some pwBPD can become serious hermits.  Some pwBPD return to former relationships, and some do not.  Since BPD is such an impulsive disorder, I am not sure there is a way to predict what will happen.

The research that I had done as it relates to this seems to support this. Yes, one can call it degrees but its born of similar motivations as well as punishment; it all depends upon the person. Be it temporary or permanent, I am not sure that it would be referred to as anything different - would it?

Perhaps the real insight here is that you still feel as though you're in a r/s, JRT? My ex went silent and her silence was, for me, the final, ultimate nail in the r/s coffin.  But perhaps that's because I was ready for it, so that's how I viewed it - and I let go. If I was unwilling to let go, I would probably see it as another twist and turn in our r/s, much the way that you're viewing it.

[JRT]

I do not feel that I am still in a r/s. In fact, I have been dating and in r/s with a woman for several weeks (not a great r/s but still a r/s). So no... .

I STILL feel that I am still in a cycle... .that something is still to take place. ESPECIALLY since I am fairly confident that there is no replacement and that she is poorly coping with the b/u herself.

Congrats on letting go of your r/s... .and being ready for it - I wish I had that luxury.

[Skip]

I do not feel that I am still in a r/s. In fact, I have been dating and in r/s with a woman for several weeks (not a great r/s but still a r/s). So no... .

I STILL feel that I am still in a cycle... .that something is still to take place. ESPECIALLY since I am fairly confident that there is no replacement and that she is poorly coping with the b/u herself.

When we have recycled a lot we enter into this no man's land where it a easy to let the the definition of normal and dysfunctional go out the window are start redefining black as white and green as red.

I think some members are asking if you are doing this. I might suggest that even assuming that you are in a down cycle for 7 months and the relationship might kick back up again, it is not going to help you or enlighten you to think of this as a spat or transient manipulation or silent treatment.

If your dog has run away and come back 10 times, it doesn't mean it will on the 11 time.  In fact each time could have been intended to be the last.

Don't get lulled into thinking the dog always planned to come back. Don't even think that it will always fail to find a better home and eventually give up and come back to you.

It very possible the dog left for good and failed and came home as a last resort.  And then tried again, and did a little better, but then failed, and came home.  And so on.  Maybe some of those time the failure was emotional, maybe sometimes it was physical - if fact its possible the failure was different every time.

Its also important not to assume that the dog is happiest when it is with you.  It may have been happiest when it was away and free... . but ultimately couldn't feed itself or take itself to puppy palace to be groomed. It may have been 5 of one and 5 of the other.

Bottom line, does it make sense to tell yourself, I have a great relationship with my dog - being with me is what my dog wants and she never bites me or pees in my Porche - then miraculously something suddenly happened and she left again?  Or to think that if the dog has run away, over and over again, that the running away says far more than "not peeing in the Porche".

In no man's land, its easy to lose site of what is really going on.

[JRT]

Its also important not to assume that the dog is happiest when it is with you.  It may have been happiest when it was away and free... . but ultimately couldn't feed itself or take itself to puppy palace to be groomed. It may have been 5 of one and 5 of the other.

Bottom line, does it make sense to tell yourself, I have a great relationship with my dog - being with me is what my dog wants and she never bites me or pees in my Porche - something suddenly happened?  Or if the dog has run away, over and over again, that the running away says more than not peeing in the Porche.

In no man's land, its easy to lose site of what is really going on.

Thanks for your thoughts: It IS a no mans land of sorts. I want this to be over and in most ways it is. The dog DID run away but it came back and said that it did so wrongfully and made a good faith effort to deal with its impulses given the best that it could. The dog told me that it was happy with its accommodations and the times that she ran away and stayed away diminished until it was a non issue. I was happy too.

But it came back as it did to other owners and based upon this and other elements, I suspect (or maybe not) that it will attempt to return. Its this very think that is causing me anxiety; like the dentist is about to pull my tooth and is just sitting there looking at me (for 7 months). I want to scream, 'JUST PULL THE DAMN THING ALREADY'! so I can deal with the pain and bleeding and move on and go and get lunch.

Does this make sense?

[Skip]

JR'

Why is the door to your heart still open to her returning?  It is.  It's OK.

This is the question to ask, though - forget about the silent treatment thing and what she is doing to you - what are you doing to yourself and why?

Serious question - you seem clear that you would entertain another round.  What is it about the relationship that is so compelling to you. It might help to get that all out and get it out honestly.

We often talk about how bad our partners were, but the fact is, if they were so overwhelmingly bad, we'd walk away easy.

Something counters all of that. Is it her. Is is it fear. Is it _______  Sometimes its something big. Sometimes something small.  Sometimes even illogical.  SOmetime we don't know and that could be a topic of a thread in an of itself.

Putting a finger on it will really help.

What is it that keep the door open?

[JRT]

Well, I WOULD entertain the possibility but there is such significant damage, I have no idea where she would start to make the repairs - she would have to become a diplomatic magician overnight. She doesn't have that in her on TOP of being BPD.

It was one of these BPD r/s's that was actually pretty good. It was not the classic raging, dishonesty and acrimony. We had a LOT in common and shared the same values, interests and desires. There were problems that pointed backwards to BPD, but they were minor and didn't seem to interfere with the peace. Strip away the recycles and it was GREAT r/s. Even the final breakup came completely out of the blue; she must have painted me black overnight when I went away on business. 

So now I am dating... .and dating sucks. I have a GF if you want to call her that, but I am not at all committed to her. It is not easy to find someone that has the commonality that I had with her (and it wasn't just the idealization stage). I know this might fly in the face of many people here, but to me; it almost makes more sense to work within the confines and limitations of her and her disorder than it is to go through the extended hell of dating (yes, its THAT bad).

It represents a continuum to me and amplifies the no-mans land you described.

[Skip]

... . it was GREAT r/s. Even the final breakup came completely out of the blue; she must have painted me black overnight when I went away on business.

It wasn't great or out of the blue to her.  Something was going on - you didn't see it - she hide - or both. Possible they same thing that always derails this relationship.

Your description of her "great" doesn't have any passion to it JR'.  :)ig a little deeper... . what is it that makes this worth it.  Something she does?  How much you hate dating?  What is it?  You may have buried this and need to look harder to get it uncovered. 

Why does she keep leaving? What is it that makes her bolt a "great" relationship? This might be harder to figure out - but she has probably given you a zillion clues.

[JRT]

According to her it was and by many other criteria... .I have thought about this is well, what was I missing?... .what was she not telling me?... .what did I not notice?... .What was I doing that was unfilfilling?... .I've come up with nothing... . I mean; really.

I read the IM session from FB going back 7 months to the days before... .I tell you that if there was anything there, it was a strengthening of our r/s, not a division. She had just sold all of her furniture and redundant appliances and moved in. I figured that it was this intimacy that triggered her... .as well as a business trip that I took (leaving her alone at home for the first time since her 18 year old son was born, who incidentally had just moved out).

It was a great r/s... .we laughed, went places, did things, dreamed about the future... .I took her to Europe and proposed under a medieval fountain in the square of an old town... .we took romantic trips and had great sex... .believe me: I have searched my soul on this and have really tried to assign fault in some way shape or form to myself or to find even a fragment of dissatisfaction on her part and, although I am far from a perfect man, I really couldn't find any (at least nothing that would result in a conclusion like this one). 

[jhkbuzz]

... . it was GREAT r/s. Even the final breakup came completely out of the blue; she must have painted me black overnight when I went away on business.

It wasn't great or out of the blue to her.  Something was going on - you didn't see it - she hide - or both. Possible the same thing that always derails this relationship.

My ex hid an awful lot - I was happy and I thought our relationship was great, but when things started going south and we started to talk, she brought up issues from the very beginning of our relationship.  Not only wasn't I aware that these things were a problem, once I found out about them I wouldn't have imagined that they could EVER be a problem - they seemed pretty insignificant. Not anything relationship-ending. And definitely not anything I picked up on.

It took me a long time to understand that her anxiety and her fear of abandonment was so strong that she "hid" a lot from me in an effort to please me and "keep" me. Unfortunately, this included what SHE needed in the relationship. Resentment began to build in her until she couldn't contain it - and then the chaos began.

[myself]

When she left in the past, was it right after more intimate times? What's the pattern there, as far as you can tell? Could it be she was wearing a 'mask' some of the time, wanting what she was getting (a great r/s with you) but unable to hold up her end of it for extended periods? How did she describe her side of things when she came back? What's seen in those transitions?

There were times my ex rewrote history, and times she had a whole different version of it all along. I remember having the best weekend with her and then crying as I realized the closer we'd become again the more urgently she'd push away not soon after. Which happened, and didn't make sense as far as a 'normal' r/s would go. Acknowledging the patterns at play, and her own stated reasons of the past (anxiety, fear, anger, pain), helped me not take it as personally. But there's a mix of 'can't control it' with 'did it on purpose' to many of these relationships, mine too, which contributes to many of the questions both during and after. Speaking of questions:

What will you do if she does come back?

What will you do if she doesn't?

How long are you going to keep an eye on that silent clock?

[JRT]

... . it was GREAT r/s. Even the final breakup came completely out of the blue; she must have painted me black overnight when I went away on business.

It wasn't great or out of the blue to her.  Something was going on - you didn't see it - she hide - or both. Possible the same thing that always derails this relationship.

My ex hid an awful lot - I was happy and I thought our relationship was great, but when things started going south and we started to talk, she brought up issues from the very beginning of our relationship.  Not only wasn't I aware that these things were a problem, once I found out about them I wouldn't have imagined that they could EVER be a problem - they seemed pretty insignificant. Not anything relationship-ending. And definitely not anything I picked up on.

It took me a long time to understand that her anxiety and her fear of abandonment was so strong that she "hid" a lot from me in an effort to please me and "keep" me. Unfortunately, this included what SHE needed in the relationship. Resentment began to build in her until she couldn't contain it - and then the chaos began.

I am absolutely sure that this was the case... .it especially resonated when you pointed out that they were hardly things worth arguing about... .I had a little bit of insight into his in the wake of recycles... .'you think this, so you would then say this and then this would happen'. It was incredible but I had to ask her, politely, to not do my thinking on my behalf. With her, it was usually something of her own manufacture eventually by her own free admission.

[JRT]

When she left in the past, was it right after more intimate times? What's the pattern there, as far as you can tell? Could it be she was wearing a 'mask' some of the time, wanting what she was getting (a great r/s with you) but unable to hold up her end of it for extended periods? How did she describe her side of things when she came back? What's seen in those transitions?

There were times my ex rewrote history, and times she had a whole different version of it all along. I remember having the best weekend with her and then crying as I realized the closer we'd become again the more urgently she'd push away not soon after. Which happened, and didn't make sense as far as a 'normal' r/s would go. Acknowledging the patterns at play, and her own stated reasons of the past (anxiety, fear, anger, pain), helped me not take it as personally. But there's a mix of 'can't control it' with 'did it on purpose' to many of these relationships, mine too, which contributes to many of the questions both during and after. Speaking of questions:

What will you do if she does come back?

What will you do if she doesn't?

How long are you going to keep an eye on that silent clock?

Definitely on the last one... .I was looking over our FB IM from the days before and she seemed to be settling in and excited about being here. As far as the other recycles, I could tell you as I just don't recall. This was before i knew about BPD so I was not correlating things. I would be it was the case though.

However, there was one where I had a minor car accident (could have been VERY serious). She came and picked me up and she was pissed... .we recycled for 4 hours or so (it was xmas eve)... .would the thought of my mortality be a trigger? Never mind... .abandonment... .

As to your questions... .its been 7 months, you would think that I would be able to answer those questions. Don't get me wrong; I have several versions of those answers, I jsut don't know which one I am going to use... .If I even get the opportunity

As far as the clock goes: I am trying to think of a way to throw it away.

[drummerboy]

I would define silent treatment as something that happens in a relationship. If your relationship is over and it sounds like it is, she is just moving on with her life. It took me ages for it to sink in that she didn't want anything more to do with me, it wasn't "silent treatment" she was over me and getting on with her life. We have to respect their boundaries too!