Projecting

[Hmcbart]

Last week I tried to get my uBPDw to clean around the house. I don't ask her for much, especially for her to clean the house. I was trying to surprise her for her birthday and had to get her assistance cleaning.

She is a stay at home wife, both kids are in school all day, so she has time. I tried to get her to do it by offering to help first. My offer was misinterpreted to mean I didn't think she was doing a good enough job cleaning. While it was true, I made sure the way I asked could not be interpreted that way.

Her sister was coming into town to surprise their for her 40th birthday (twins). I tried as delicately as possible to get her to get it done before she arrived. I had to look at every possible scenario and the outcome.

One option was to let her continue doing things her way and when her sister arrived she would be mad that the house was a wreck. The outcome would have been her projecting her anger at herself over how dirty the house was directly at me.

Option two was to tell her that her sister was coming into town to surprise her. This would result in the house getting cleaned but her being upset with me for ruining the surprise.

Sadly to I think sometimes we have to be part military stragogists to try and accomplish anything. We have to think 10 moves ahead of any decision we make and try to come up with stratogy for the inevitable outcome.

Most days I can choose to say nothing when I think it will trigger her. Other days I have to say something that I know will trigger her. That's he eggshells we all get yo walk on.

I often wonder what it would be like to not have to play out every scenario in my head before I say something or ask her for something. To know that the person I'm speaking with wont flip out and be angry for weeks at a time from a simple request.

But if I look for a silver lining in all of this, it's made me better at my job. I am in sales and the ability to quickly run through every scenario or objection someone will come up with has helped me tremendously.

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[waverider]

I understand where you are coming from, I too have difficulty springing surprises. If this was my scenario telling my partner what the surprise was would create endless stress as she bounced between yes/no/yes/no stressing about everything. Then she will start to complicate it.

I tried saying I have a surprise without saying what it is but that causes even more pressure to spill the beans.

As you say, not mentioning anything can lead to disaster as not being able to assemble the appropriate "presentation" leaves them feeling vulnerable.

This leaves a partial fib about saying X is going to happen but actually doing Y... .But that brings a risk.

Sometimes the fact that it is not her decision/choice means she is not in control can  be a trigger in itself, not being in control can be unsettling for some.

Sorry don't have an answer you have to play it by ear, everyone will react differently. 

[Hmcbart]

There really wasn't a right answer, "The Kobayashi Maru". I just had to decide how much collateral damage I was willing to accept. Even my therapist was stumped when I asked how I should approach it. I started out by telling her I had something special planed for her birthday, my therapist option. After three days of dodging bullets and random insults I told her what the surprise was.

I would love to say that she painted me white after finding out what she put me through, but nope. That would be a happy ending and those don't happen here. Party went great, I had a few peaceful days of her pretending to not hate me. Sister left and I'm the devil again. The things we do that will never be recognized by those who benefit from them! Yes, love sucks some days.

[OffRoad]

That's such a tough situation. You want to do something nice, but it can't work out ( I love the "The Kobayashi Maru" reference. I may steal that.)

Option number 3 might have been to say that YOU had someone coming in to visit.

Option number 4 might have been that you wanted her help surprising someone at your house. (I've used that one)

And Option 5 is, of course, no surprises.

[Ceruleanblue]

Or, option six could have been just to do all the housework yourself, which is another feel bad option. That is if you even had the time, and she'd probably have taken that as an insult too.

You are right that there are just so many no win situations. Last night I asked my BPDh if he remembered if a store where I'd recently bought a picture frame had one more like it. Innocent question, right? I'd decided I needed a second one for my daughter's picture. Well, since the first frame I'd bought now has my son's picture in it, BPDh got all mad, his demeanor and attitude changed, and he started a fight about it. He hates my son, and even put me in a position where I chose our marriage, or left my son with my parents for his last two years of high school(I let my son choose, and he said to move with my husband... .I raised a noble, and kind young man).

Now, like you, I try to think of how things might get taken wrong, or misconstrued, twisted, or cause dysregulation, but sometimes I just can't even fathom what will set him off. BPDh really likes my 19 year old daughter(overly much, as in he's enmeshed), so I didn't think it would set him off, but it did. I went to bed crying, but quickly decided that I'm not taking my son's picture down just to please him. I've given up enough, with now having to travel to see my son, and not live with him. My son and I sacrificed to make BPDh happy, and he's still ungrateful, and as angry as ever, and you'd think he'd let me have the comfort of a dang picture! Nope, he's way too narcissistic and controlling for that.

You are right, love can hurt, but I'm learning to just "consider the source", and to stop letting it. His thinking and actions are often irrational and all emotionally based, so I need to remind myself that I can't react to his every whim.

The saddest thing about BPD, I feel, is that it's so hard for them to just be happy.

[Thread]

Option 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9... .

doesn't matter. there will be a reaction or non reaction always. we don't know what will come, but we have to just expect it. you were surprising her. thats amazing. but we cannot drive ourselves nuts by pulling apart piece by piece, we can only be in charge of our reaction to their "feelings."

I get it. and my above statement is so hypocritical!  I do that everyday; maybe this will work, maybe if i explain it like this, or... . but i need to come to the realization that this is a disorder, this is the mentality, no matter how many facts, how much i try to say things in a better way or do things to fit their needs, IT WILL NOT CHANGE THEM, sense or logic will not change the disorder.

sorry that was very emotional, but dealing with pwBPD is very straining.

I'm sorry you have to go through this! I'm sorry you can't just surprise your wife  :'(

[Hmcbart]

Or, option six could have been just to do all the housework yourself, which is another feel bad option. That is if you even had the time, and she'd probably have taken that as an insult too

That wasn't a viable option. I learned long ago that anything I do around the house is not done correctly. Also if I were to start doing it myself she would say that I don't think she can do it or isn't doing it good enough.

I actually texted her when I found out her sister was coming and said I wanted to help her clean. I wrote and reworded it many times to make sure it wouldn't be taken the wrong way. It was and she said exactly what I expected. She said I didn't think she was doing it fast enough or good enough, blah blah blah.

I actually talked with her best friend who she always confides in. I'm not seen as a nice guy by the people who don't hear my side of the story. I sent her a copy of the text and she said that she hated it but had to agree with me. I then sent over the text of my wife's response, she was lost for words.

Blue, I'm sorry that your husband did that to you. You should never have to choose between your spouse and your children. It's a package deal and shouldn't be an option. I've never had to make a choice like that. We've been married 17 years together for 19 so there was no other children to envolve.

We should all put together a nonBPD cruise. Call it a sanity cruise, just a bunch of normal people doing normal things... .wouldn't that be fun. But then again, how many of us would be able to deal with that much normal at one time.

I think Jimmy Buffett said it best, "if we weren't all crazy we'd go insane!"

[Hmcbart]

Off-road and Hanging:

There are enough option in the play book most days. I think this is why I'm drawn to playing games that envolve long term strategy thinking, I'm use to it.

I take solace in the little things. We spent a great weekend at the beach with the kids the weekend before all of this. It was great, no arguments until the drive home. That was nice.

We will be riding to Sturgis next year (our 3rd trip). It's a very peaceful time, mainly because I can't hear her complain over the roar of the pipes  

I told this story to my 12 y/o talking about a different subject. A fable I heard but can't really remember when.

A frog and a scorpion were sitting next to a creek. The scorpion asked the frog to let him ride on his back to get across because he couldn't swim. The frog told him no because he would sting him. The scorpion promised he would not so the frog agreed to do it. Halfway across the scorpion stung the frog. As they were both sinking into the water the frog asked "why would you sting me, we are both going to drown die now". The scorpion replied "because I'm a scorpion, that's what I do".

I guess in the end we can't change our nature.

[Hmcbart]

 

[waverider]

I use that fable a lot but it is really about not expecting others to change their nature (ie frog should have known a scorpion is going to act as a scorpion will). We can change our nature (frog can choose not to carry scorpion).

When faced with a situation where all options seem loose/loose, then choose the one that will leave you the least resentful. Long term coping has a higher priority that short term fix, epecially if the odds don't look good.

[Hmcbart]

I agree on the long term coping. I'm learning this as I go. Only recently have I learned about all of these wonderful PD's and I'm working with my therapist to help me cope.

And in the fable, the scorpion is my uBPDw, the creek is a rising torrent of flood waters, and I'm also helping my kids get across. I'm just hoping I've built up enough immunity to the poison after 19 years to get us all across safely.

I don't have an exit strategy or a back up plan. I'm just trying to keep moving forward as best as I can.