How do you put a person with BPD in their place?

[FreedomReigns]

When a person with BPD verbally attacks you because they enjoy feeling powerful, how do you put them in their place so they'll back off?

[ShieldsUp12]

Hmm. I am not sure. It might be that the best response is still no response?

I don't know if my former co-worker was BPD but she was definitely a snake in the grass and dissed me at a meeting, snidely saying I was smarter than I looked. I just let it hang there like a big old meatball and enjoyed the awkward silence that followed because I knew she had just made herself look like a total asshat in front of everyone, and I came out looking much better because I didn't take her bait.      It was a phone meeting, not in person, but I think if I had been there in person I would have just looked at her quizzically, as if to say, "why would you say something like that?"

Do you think this tactic would work for your situation? Or is it more of a neutral but firm boundary setting statement you feel would be appropriate?

[Mike-X]

When a person with BPD verbally attacks you because they enjoy feeling powerful, how do you put them in their place so they'll back off?

b

It might help if you elaborated on what you mean by attacks you because they enjoy feeling powerful and what you mean by putting them in their place?

[FreedomReigns]

It might help if you elaborated on what you mean by attacks you because they enjoy feeling powerful and what you mean by putting them in their place?

An example of a verbal attack might be that they tell you that you're doing something the wrong way because it's "their way or the highway," or they may tell you your stupid for doing something your way and not theirs. This obviously makes them feel powerful because they know they can "get your goat," so to speak.

By putting them in their place, I mean how do you go about not letting on that they are getting your goat and that they need to back off. I understand that you cannot argue with these people so  I'm basically looking for a sure-fire, but polite, method of getting them to back off and leave you alone, but also realize that they cannot get to you. Hope that makes sense.

I asked the questions because of a vague article I read, and as a writer, I wanted to re-write that article in my own words and give some concrete examples of how to put controlling and aggressive people in their place.

I, personally, am no longer in this boat.

My xMIL passed away in 2012, and ever since then I have lived a life of peace. I still communicate with the xSIL and xFIL, but on a very limited basis. We usually see each other during Thanksgiving and/or Christmas and during my daughters' birthdays, but that's about it. And I am just fine with that. My husband (deceased) and his mother (also deceased) were the verbal ones in the family. His dad, sister, and I were the introverts. So yeah, we don't have much to talk about these days. 

[ShieldsUp12]

This is a tough one and I may not have the right answer.

The first thing that comes to mind is to "ignore" their behavior and continue doing what you are doing. Treat them as background noise.

The second thing that comes to mind is to politely and calmly (definitely NOT angrily or defensively) say to them, "You seem to have a lot of experience with/ideas on how to perform this task. Perhaps you should take it on and I will take on something different?" If they then go on about how they did it and you didn't, just let them. Who cares?

I would appreciate any feedback if anyone thinks this would work. I am trying to put it into context with my own uBPDm's possible reactions and my , so it will probably need some fine-tuning.

[Deb]

Freedom, have you read the book "Contolling People"? The author gives some specific advice for dealing with this issue. I found it very helpful.

[Mike-X]

Thank you for the original post and for your reply. Since my eyes have been opened to validation/invalidation issues through learning about BPD, I have seen that validation/invalidation issues, like "My way or the highway" type of attacks, are so common in day-to-day interactions with people.

I believe that the knowledge and communication techniques taught through this site would apply to the situations that you describe.

Here are my thoughts:

Depersonalize what was said. I am thinking that their being able to get to you has to do with you experiencing what is said, how it is said, etc. as a personal attack. The verbal attack, whether passive-aggressive, out right aggressive, or more benign, says so much about the attacker but says nothing at all that the person being attacked should feel concerned about. Even if the person being attacked is a novice and the attacker is an expert, the person being attacked should ask why an "expert" would verbally attack the novice rather than compassionately teach the novice? Verbal attacks are indicative of the attacker's antisocial psychological issues (e.g, temperament, emotional, personality, and communication issues). So one might even feel sorry for the attacker for their psychological issues and not being able to better communicate and regulate their emotions.

Validate the persons feelings. The person might seem to be seeking compliance or even an aggressive retort. However, my bet is that they are seeking validation. Of course, compliance would be one form of validation. However, something as simple as, "I appreciate what you are saying; however, I am very comfortable doing things my way; but I do understand how you would do it, and I respect that," provides validation that their feelings or views are ok, asserts that you are comfortable and going to do it your way, and then closes with more validation.

Again, I appreciate your post, and I feel that invalidation is something that I confront or see others confront so often.