Is Dysregulating after a DBT session "normal"?

[Ceruleanblue]

Husband came home last night after his DBT session last night, and was pretty awful to me. He was angry for no reason, and verbally abusive, and treating me like I'm stupid(one of his favorite tactics). I usually handle this much better, but I'm not in the best place now, after moving away from my 16 year old son(at husbands insistence... .more BPD controlling tactics). I basically told him off for how he talks to me, stating that I'm not stupid, and gave him a dose of what he daily dishes out to me. Now, I know this is NOT the way to deal with someone with BPD, but I'd just had it. We had a first session of MC that night, and he left me, wouldn't drive there with me, and I'm new to this area that he knows like the back of his hand. I'm so sick, sick, sick of his "punishing" tactics. He knows I'm hurting about my son, and it's like he's using it to his advantage to pile on more crap.

I'm leveling out, and I do go see my son several times a week, but it's not the same as living with him, and it was his choice to not live with BPDh anymore, and change schools. Frankly, it's not safe for him to live with BPDh, and BPDh openly hates my son with no reason.

All this happened after his DBT session, and just prior to MC, the same night. He once pointed out that his psychiatrist said that "things would get worse before they got better" in regards to DBT. How do I deal with that, and will he frequently "act out" after DBT sessions?

His new kick after we got home from MC was he was upset that I have a couple pictures of my son out now. He pretty much forced me to choose our marriage or my son(and I let my son choose, and he told me to move with BPDh, and he'd stay with my folks, and finish out school... .he's much nicer to BPDh than BPDh has ever been to him), but now I can't even mention my son, or have pictures out? He says it's because I don't want pictures out of his girls, but I know it's much more than that. I'd be fine with having pictures out of his son(who we've had zero problems with), but BPD husband never puts pictures out of his son. I think he is resentful because I don't want pictures of his girls out, and his sole purpose in wanting them out is he knows how much it would hurt/bother me. These girls HATE me, have lied about me, and I've spent years trying with them, and getting kicked in the teeth. I even just apologized, and they all acted hateful(yeah, I apologized to them for things I didn't do, just to shut BPDh up). I'd love to have his kids pictures up if they didn't give me panic attacks, and make me relive it all!

Oh, and at his office, where he could have pictures of them up, he chooses not to! This is clearly just another of his ways to harbor resentment and blame me. Anyways, is he always going to be so dysregulated and verbally abusive after DBT therapy, and how do I best deal with it without losing my cool like yesterday?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cloudy Days]

My husband was awful when he first started DBT sessions. I dreaded them for the longest time and even wanted him to stop going. Then she started doing EMDR with him and he was terrible after those too. His therapist kept telling him to stay away from be after therapy sessions. Doesn't really work when you live in a small house, but he did start trying. A couple of years later he doesn't do it anymore. He has some days where he is in a bad mood and it just happens to be on his therapy days and they aren't as bad as they used to be. Bottom line, the deregulation is normal when first starting.

I can't really help on the pictures thing, sounds like a tough spot to be in.

[Ceruleanblue]

Oh, and once more thing I just thought of: Is it possible for me to have PTSD, or something similar, after years of the abuse I've taken off his kids? I actually fear them, and the damage they can do in my life, due to BPDh. My BPDh has spent years blaming ME for things they've actually done, and they've been so openly hostile to me, and downright mean(once I was forced to leave my own home when one of his daughters became very aggressive at me). I now get panic attacks prior to times I know I'm going to have to deal with them. And days after, BPDh usually treats me like crap. It's all a lose/lose for me, no matter how nice I am, how cordial, or how much I try to be the bigger person.

I don't want to have to take a pill for my anxiety every time I have to be around them, and then pay a price with BPDh for days afterwards. I do feel all this has been a LOT for me to deal with, and I've tried to be the calm, patient, sane one in all this, but it just never ends. My nerves have paid the price for all this.

How do I best deal with all this, and is it possible that I'm having PTSD type symptoms due to the fears of their nasty behaviors, and how it effects BPDh?... .

[misuniadziubek]

This sounds absolutely terrible to be going through.

I think it's possible to have anxiety/PTSD over bad interactions in the past. I know that I had something to that tune after the first time my uBPDbf raged at me for three days straight. I had a court date so I had to come up to his city and ended up needing to stay over. I felt scared to be around him, hyper vigilant to everything, amazed more than anything that he could be the same person that had put me through hell and back just days before.

Do you have to deal with them? Is there any possibility of you just not having to go through that? It doesn't seem like a healthy environment to be in.

I am not really suprised that your h acts different. Seeing his girls might trigger certain emotions in him, confirm his insecurities about his relationship with you, any multitude of things. Is there perhaps someone you can ask to help mediate the situation? A friend perhaps? I really don't know.

I wish I could give you advice to help.

[an0ught]

Oh, and once more thing I just thought of: Is it possible for me to have PTSD, or something similar, after years of the abuse I've taken off his kids? I actually fear them, and the damage they can do in my life, due to BPDh.

Your fear is possibly fed from different sources

- valid concerns about the damage

- increased sensitivity and over-reaction due to past experience. Whether that amounts to a PTSD diagnosis level only a T can answer.

- lack of boundaries. Good boundaries provide safety and also a sense of safety.

A T may help you to get started with recovery. If you are into reading check out The Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder Sourcebook for orientation and options.

It's all a lose/lose for me, no matter how nice I am, how cordial, or how much I try to be the bigger person.

I do feel all this has been a LOT for me to deal with, and I've tried to be the calm, patient, sane one in all this, but it just never ends.

Improving your ability to be a punching bag won't help. When faced with aggression you can either hold against it with an assertive stance or use boundaries and in this case this may be stepping out for some extended time or multiple times in some shape or form.