When the FOG hits, what do you do?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi all,

So occasionally I get this FOG even though I know deep down NC is really the only way for me to go.  I've always seconded guessed myself with my BPDsis because of all of her gaslighting, manipulating, abuse and smear campaigns.  When I get like this, I just read some of her crazy hate filled emails from the past to remind me how truly toxic she is as a person.  It's almost like having her validate me herself.  Does anyone else do this?  What techniques do you use to cope?

[sisterofbpd]

Hi all,

So occasionally I get this FOG even though I know deep down NC is really the only way for me to go.  I've always seconded guessed myself with my BPDsis because of all of her gaslighting, manipulating, abuse and smear campaigns.  When I get like this, I just read some of her crazy hate filled emails from the past to remind me how truly toxic she is as a person.  It's almost like having her validate me herself.  Does anyone else do this?  What techniques do you use to cope?

[zundertowz]

Hi all,

So occasionally I get this FOG even though I know deep down NC is really the only way for me to go.  I've always seconded guessed myself with my BPDsis because of all of her gaslighting, manipulating, abuse and smear campaigns.  When I get like this, I just read some of her crazy hate filled emails from the past to remind me how truly toxic she is as a person.  It's almost like having her validate me herself.  Does anyone else do this?  What techniques do you use to cope?

I do the same... .I saved the last few hundred txt msgs she sent and anytime I feel week or get sentimental about the good times I reread them and realize how mentaly warped she is and how I could never live that way the rest of my life.

[Linda Maria]

Hi sisterofBPD!  I can totally relate.  I think it is the FOG that keeps us in the vicious circle for so long.  When my uBPDsis made my life unbearable about 2 years ago, after my Mum died, I felt guilty for ages - goodness knows why - she was being vile to me for no reason.  But I kept thinking - she's family, she's on her own, she's only got me now, somehow I have to find a way of sorting this out, I'm clearly the bigger person so it's up to me.  It took a long time for me to realise that nothing I could do would help, you can't "cure" someone else's personality disorder, you can't make someone else happy.  I also felt bad because I felt my Mum and Dad (my Dad passed away 20 years ago) would want me to try to make things better, although they wouldn't blame me for the situation, and so I did try for a long time.  But in the end she crossed several lines that turned my stomach so much, it was a no-brainer to say - this is not acceptable, or excusable, and I don't have to keep accepting this, so I went NC as far as possible.  And now - I don't feel guilt any more - though I still feel sad, and angry sometimes, as I am still clearing up her mess, as she made everything so difficult in sorting out my Mum's estate.  I also used to feel guilty talking about it to people who clearly didn't really understand what was going on, I would feel afterwards like they probably thought I was the mad one, because it sounded so mad.  So I think it is about what you tell yourself you are prepared to accept.  I know now I'm not a bad person, and most people think I had the patience of a saint to handle it the way I did.  If my sister turned up on my doorstep needing emergency medical assistance I wouldn't turn her away - I would get her help, but allowing her to continually send abusive letters and spend my time trying to show her that I hadn't done all these mad things, was not acceptable to me, and one day a light went on, through my research and this site I realised it was a far bigger issue than I was capable of resolving, and I wasn't going to ruin my life over it.  Not sure this has been a helpful post - I don't have any real techniques, just a realisation of what I would and wouldn't put up with in my life.  Best wishes.

[Ziggiddy]

Hi sisterofBPD

I think it's worth examining your self talk.

What is it exactly that you hear yourself saying to yourself that makes you feel FOGgy?

Me I hear a whole chorus of voices telling me I'm wrong, I'm too hard on them, I am not making allowances and loudest of all - "Well what about the time YOU - (_____)? How do you think THEY felt?"

it's worth keeping in mind that fear, obligation and guilt are healthy in balanced doses. If they are out of whack or causing you distress then your heart knows something is not right even while your head is trying to tell you a different story.

If your FOG is coming as a critical voice, are you able to listen to it without judgement?

Something like "Ok Fog, mate. I hear you. you are saying (____) Thank you for your panicky input. i know you are just trying to make me feel safe. I will consider what you are saying and make decisions with those things in mind. Would you like a cup of tea?"

This can defuse the emotional content and help you see the real issue. Then you become less adversarial with it.

FOG can be your friend once you are able to observe it with detachment. Then you can inform IT of what YOU think. Rather than a shouting match.

It's worth keeping in mind too, that these are deeply conditioned responses.

I find it helpful to look at my FOGgy voices as impatient tantrum throwing toddlers stamping their foot and shaking their fist at me!

I treat them if possible with the same indulgent eye rolling I would give a real tantrum throwing toddler.

"Yes I can see you're upset but let's calm a little and see the issue that's driving you."

Being compassionate with yourself is so important. You have been taught to fear by various 'punishments' I imagine and that fear is real if misguided.

Comfort yourself for feeling scared. You were too little to defend yourself when you were punished.

Check with yourself as to what obligations you would expect a reasonable person to have toward YOU in the same situation. Are people obliged to do for you what you feel obliged to do for your sister?

And guilt -ah guilt. it's such a pretty gaily wrapped package isn't it? But healthy guilt is a teacher - to save you from making mistakes. Unhealthy guilt is just like any human teacher, it often gets things wrong. You may look at it like Pavlov's dog - when the trigger happens, the dog starts to salivate. When you feel triggered, you are responding with your customary pattern. If you become aware of your pattern you can alter it.

[sisterofbpd]

What is it exactly that you hear yourself saying to yourself that makes you feel FOGgy?

Me I hear a whole chorus of voices telling me I'm wrong, I'm too hard on them, I am not making allowances and loudest of all - "Well what about the time YOU - (_____)? How do you think THEY felt?"

I guess what I hear myself saying to myself is that "She's sick, so I should just deal with it."  BUT she is HORRIBLE to me and I don't want my children around her at all.

FOG can be your friend once you are able to observe it with detachment. Then you can inform IT of what YOU think. Rather than a shouting match.

I think for the most part I am able to observe it with detachment.  There have been other times where I gave into the FOG and contacted her and was soon after reminded why I went NC to begin with.

Being compassionate with yourself is so important. You have been taught to fear by various 'punishments' I imagine and that fear is real if misguided.

This I have to work on!

Check with yourself as to what obligations you would expect a reasonable person to have toward YOU in the same situation. Are people obliged to do for you what you feel obliged to do for your sister?

Good point, no I don't think anyone is obligated to do anything for me.  I think most of our family has made excuses for BPDsis, and probably because I am not sick I don't feel anyone is obligated to do anything for me.

And guilt -ah guilt. it's such a pretty gaily wrapped package isn't it? But healthy guilt is a teacher - to save you from making mistakes. Unhealthy guilt is just like any human teacher, it often gets things wrong. You may look at it like Pavlov's dog - when the trigger happens, the dog starts to salivate. When you feel triggered, you are responding with your customary pattern. If you become aware of your pattern you can alter it.

Such a good point!  I do have more of a control over keeping myself from reaching out to her when the FOG happens, I'm just going to have to continue the way I've been dealing with it.  NC is certainly the way for me.