Anyone own a business with their BPD?

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Does anyone own a business with their BPD? And how do you do it?

My husband and I met at work and he was a gem.  He works hard, we worked very well together.  Since we've been married and after the emotions started to spiral out of control and the BPD started to be a thing, and what I mean by that was I didn't know what it was until my therapist called it. Nailed it. Then I started educating myself on it.  But all the therapy and education doesn't make it easier to live with, work with, or be part of.

Any personal experience or advice would be appreciated.

[Overseas1899]

Yes, we own a business together. For years, he was abrupt with clients OR over the top friendly. Some clients told me he speaks very badly of me. Or they would say they would come to see me but never want to see him again. Hard on the staff of course too. Now we have more staff and he sees very few clients so that is better. I wondered for years if it was blood pressure or some kind of health issue. I don't know why I didn't think of a mental illness. Bpd was mentioned to me in 2012. I started reading and could not believe that so many of the behaviours that I thought were just him were listed! 

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There is a part of me that feels like it keeps us busy, working on a common goal together, but when the emotional outbursts happen, I sometimes wonder is the business pulling us together or apart.

At times I think it's bringing us together, keeps us busy, keeps him from complaining about things that don't need to be dwelled on aka what he always feels is lacking in our relationship or what he seems to be not getting and the "emptiness"he's experiencing.

But on the other hand is the stress of the business making the BPD behavior worse? He has freaked out and said were not making enough money. So I schedule more orders or try to do add-ons on top of our sales, but then he will complain that I am working too much and not spending enough quality time with him.

(Background story when I was employed and not self employed I was working 12-17 hour days 5-6 days a week... . Working for myself has given me the chance to be at home always working or not working at least I am home and or together.) my quality of life has improved since the official start of the business. Sometimes I feel like that's the reason he rages, because I'm finding fulfillment in something that's not him.

Ben projects often and likes to deflect the conversations pertaining to him back onto me, he is not walking on eggshells. The only eggshells he feels under his feet are the ones he placed onto the floor. What is setting him off is when I point out the eggshells and ask him to stop putting them there.

I'm just conflicted because this is our dream and it's doing well, but he's spiraling downward and the paranoia is starting to show up too... . Therapy based off tonight didn't prove successful. Crying tantrums and "there's a void" was present.  

[Emotionless]

Hello, I am new here and would like to say hi.  My husband (with BPD) and myself own a business together.  It is very stressful and a lot of what you have said here sounds so familiar.  My husband is fearless, can usually get what he wants.  But I fear constantly that something he does or says to someone one day will end it all.  He is confrontational with me, hard on staff, doesn't know what boundaries are.  I spend my days working way more hours than he does and basically everyone comes to me as opposed to him for things.  I am constantly attacked by him, accused of sticking up for everyone.  I am just at my wits end.  I am so happy to find others who are in my situation and can understand.  I am so embarrassed most of the time because everyone witnesses his emotional outbursts.  I just do not even know what to say to them.  I can't even imagine what they are thinking.  Hope to have continued discussions.  Bless you all 

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emotionless,

Just your name describes how I feel I have to respond to these behaviors, but sometimes I feel like his end goal is to get a response from me in some way.

I am newer to this site as well but have found it incredibly helpful. I always worry thankfully we don't have outside employees who are not family, and my family knows a little about BPDs tantrums.  But I always worry if he were to speak to me like that in front of others as he does in front of my family. And worse if we had kids will they talk down to me the way he does or I'm always wrong.

I don't know how to handle this because I've read you don't point out that you feel cornered or focused on. A lot of people are telling me to use SET be sensitive to their feeling use empathy and then speak truth... . But it's hard when it may be in front of others. and I'm not sure how you deal with others feeling treated poorly by your BPD without having the BPD paint those individuals as black. (White being all good black becoming all bad) I'd like to hear thoughts and or experiences on this knowing it could be a future issue one day.

I've also been told to kind of play the card you play to children like you have two choices A or B which one makes more sense to you and make the BPD feel like they came up with the solutions.

I often notice my BPD, when we do work in front of strangers will want to put me down or look as if he has the authority over me. Sad to say I usually listen, but continue with what I am doing because I taught him the physical process part of the job and he is the operations expert. It's a hard balance of standing your ground, but also validating their needs.

I hope someone else comments on this since I'm so new to the BPD and to our business I haven't quite learned or practiced all the strategies and tools for success!

Thank you for sharing your story!

[Overseas1899]

They don't want to be embarrassed.  So when he has put me down in a staff meeting or said some untruths, I told him later, in my own firm voice, that if he chooses to say those things again, I will definitely speak up and embarrass him next time. That has worked so far.

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Overseas1899:

Does that make your staff or employees have a lack of respect for you or make them feel like they too can speak to you in such a way? How do you handle their reactions to his actions?

[Overseas1899]

Hanging:  no, the staff don't speak to me that way at all. They have come to me individually and asked if I was ok which embarrasses me but I'm glad they care. They are not disrespectful to either of us but they purposefully schedule only certain clients with him that they know get along with him. One staff member talked to me at length about how he talks about me in other locations to her and clients and that her father is like that. Mostly the staff feel sorry for me because they figure if he is like this in public, what is he like at home?  It is such a roller coaster.  I never dreamed I would be dealing with nonsense like this. Didn't know it existed

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Overseas,

Im sorry that you are going through this!  I feel your pain since my BPD H acts very very similar to me around only one coworker who is family, but it makes people uncomfortable and I do fear that behavior in front of people who are not related to me. That's also why we don't have kids, I do not want more people belittling me or putting me down and picking up the behavior from my pwBPD.

Thank you for your insight

[Overseas1899]

I am currently seeking legal advice re the business.  It was a business that I started by myself and a couple years into it, when he realized how successful it was , he bullied me into signing him onto half ownership. I had no clue what this disorder was. Lived in confusion and pain for 12 years. I carry a lot of resentment. I do not trust him. Currently we are in our busy season and 2 days ago I had 3 staff members come o me saying he has been rude recently with 3 clients and one client returned the following day to speak w a different staff member because it bothered her all night and she wanted to get it off her chest. The staff expressed that they felt relieved telling me. Wth am I going to do?  It is his delivery. The way he comes across. He always says that he doesn't mean to come across that way. This is our weekly convo. He is abrupt, rude, overbearing. Where can he go for "classes" or therapy or whatever on how to communicate appropriately with people?  He blows his nose and horks into a Kleenex  in front of clients. He thinks it's a normal body function.    Advice please!

[Overseas1899]

One thing that is helpful is that we take a week of holidays separate. Also he hunts so he goes away for a few weeks each year.

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Overseas:

I'm looking into DBT therapy right now.  My h wBPD's therapist suggested a DBT institute... .sadly its a 3-4 month wait, but they do have workshops for family members who are dealing with these hard to handle situations.  DBT therapy is one of the successful ones I've read about. There are other ones, I watched a bunch of documentaries on youtube to get more information as well as readings on this site.   Its hard  :'(