Will I ever have a healthy attraction?

[nullset]

I've been NC with my BPDx for nearly a year. I've been dating, but haven't found anyone I really click with. Looking back, I've only had two serious relationships over the past decade, and both have been emotionally abusive. The other people I've been really attracted to have also displayed red flags (seeking me out, then ignoring me for long periods of time and repeating, etc.) I'm starting to wonder whether there's something about personality disorders or abusive personalities that I find attractive. I'm not even sure how that could be, because I experience the attraction long before I'm aware of any red flags.

Will I never feel that intense attraction in a healthy relationship? Or have I just not met the right person yet?

[jhkbuzz]

I've been NC with my BPDx for nearly a year. I've been dating, but haven't found anyone I really click with. Looking back, I've only had two serious relationships over the past decade, and both have been emotionally abusive. The other people I've been really attracted to have also displayed red flags (seeking me out, then ignoring me for long periods of time and repeating, etc.) I'm starting to wonder whether there's something about personality disorders or abusive personalities that I find attractive. I'm not even sure how that could be, because I experience the attraction long before I'm aware of any red flags.

Will I never feel that intense attraction in a healthy relationship? Or have I just not met the right person yet?

I'm wondering some of those same things, although I try not to worry about it too much - I'm 8 months post b/u and I'm still healing.

I believe I have been involved with two undiagnosed BPD women.  In my case, the attraction developed over time; it wasn't instant. I still remember pondering whether or not I was attracted; they were both attracted to me - and perhaps that was the hook for me. Discovering why the attraction developed with two unhealthy women is my work today.

I had a thought as I was driving to work today: I love her, but she hurts me.  I could use that sentence to describe both relationships; both started wonderfully and ended horribly (with my being discarded).

Interestingly, I could also use that sentence to describe my mother, who verbally raged and hit us often. 

Neither of my ex's were anything like my mom; they were both waif BPD's and didn't rage at all. but I think somehow, on a level that I'm not aware of, I chose them because they would replicate the dynamic I had with mom.

I love her, but she hurts me. Repetition compulsion. How to stop the cycle is the puzzle for me.

[Heldfast]

Nullset, start with your attraction to yourself. Where do you measure up, where do you fall short in being what you'd want in a partner? If too heavy, work on that. don't get out enough, practice. Read more, clean up better, try an art class, self help, play sports, quit drinking (start drinking a little?), learn wines, rock climb, whatever it is, round yourself out, make yourself your own perfect date. Others will notice, healthy others.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey nullset, The key, in my view, is an examination of why you got into a r/s with your BPDx in the first place.  Until you understand that dynamic, you may find yourself repeating the same pattern, I suggest.  Think about what you want in a r/s.  You might even write it down.  Then you will have a guidebook for what you are looking for.  LuckyJim

[Trog]

I've had several long term relationships but the most serious two, including my soon to be exW both are incredibly self-centred and gregarious and the latter, the outgoing personality, self assured confident persona was what I was attracted too, both later turned out to be abusive and cruel, I don't know whether both had BPD but both started out treating me like a mini god, giving up sex very easily, coming on very strong, making me feel great and by the end I was a wreck who had totally lost their sense of identity.

I want to be attracted to a person who values me as a person, as a true equal and who cares about how I am. The other day I realised that I don't think my wife ever asked me how I was or how my day had been, I would come home to hear about every drama in her day, I'm not even sure she knows what I do as a job! I was totally unimportant.

I know that in order to have a healthy attraction I must be healthy within myself, healthy boundaries, healthy sense of sense, goals, ambitions and putting myself first in a healthy manner. Until I do that, I doubt I'll have a healthy attraction and am more than happy to steer clear until I am healed and a great catch for a healthy person too.

[Grey Kitty]

I'm starting to wonder whether there's something about personality disorders or abusive personalities that I find attractive. I'm not even sure how that could be, because I experience the attraction long before I'm aware of any red flags.

Will I never feel that intense attraction in a healthy relationship? Or have I just not met the right person yet?

You are asking the right question there!

What seems pretty common is that you are used to having r/s like that... .and likely you had at least one parent like that too... .so the way you interact with that kind of person feels "normal" to you. It is what you know. So interacting with somebody who isn't like that will probably feel strange and uncomfortable to you, at least at first, as opposed to feeling so compelling and "normal."

I think in order to be attracted to a more healthy person, you have to become a more healthy person yourself, and it will happen naturally.

When you start noticing that some of your friends seem healthier... .and you like spending time with them, instead of the unhealthy/abusive/codependent/BPD/NPD/etc. friends, you will know you are healing. Meanwhile, keep working on yourself. It will pay serious dividends in your next r/s!

[Cumulus]

Hi. Yes, I believe we can find healthy attractions; after we have worked on good emotional and mental health for ourselves. Some (many!) of my thought patterns and behaviours that I considered strengths were not, and indeed were significant in my getting into a relationship with a pwBPD and then staying in that relationship.

I thought my independence, the I can do it myself, meant I was a strong woman. That I s called pride. 

I thought it was important for me to keep giving. I needed desperately to learn how to take.

I thought it was important to trust the person you loved. I found it is more important to trust my own observations.

I thought it was important to keep my emotions and thoughts to myself. That is called fear.

Those are some of the things I learned needed to be changed. What is exciting is that I am able to see that and know there will be more disclosed to me in the years to come. And now I am ready to share my life with another. Not just because I know what red flags to look for but because I have changed.

[Lucky Jim]

Like what you're saying, Cumulus. 

I learned that it is pointless to keep trying to help someone who fundamentally does not want to be helped. 

I learned that loyalty, although a good quality, is misplaced when abuse is present in the r/s.

I learned that listening to my SO, rather than to my gut feelings, was a mistake.

I learned that I need to love myself enough so that I will never again tolerate someone's abuse.

LuckyJim

[once removed]

nullset, i think before i give any answer its important to ask: are you seeing, or have you seen a therapist?