Boundaries and Rewards

[trying2coparent]

One of our children, S6,  has been misbehaving at school for 3 calendar years now. The things have escalated to such a degree (he has assaulted others, destroyed school property, etc) that CPS is now involved. UBPDMom says that the kids are fine on her time, I (father) side with the observations of the school. She has blocked psychiatric appointments, therapist, treatment. The doctor in charge (the one with final say) is bias favoring mothers and favors not medicating young kids with ADHD. He has told me this in the past. He believes I am the problem as she has told him that and also believes I should back off from seeking treatment for our son (again, thinking it's only occurred this year). He doesn't know the whole story so I made a 2 page chart to show him on Friday explaining the events are not recent, are not all on my time (75% on her time, 25% on mine). I'm going to ask for Occupational Therapy to address the maladaptive behavior (Son has ADHD, mood disorder, and is also suspected by every specialist to have Autism). I'm also going to ask for a referral to a Behavioral and Developmental Specialist Doctor.

Here are my two issues:

- Doctor bias and how to correct it (see above)

- UBPDMom is rewarding S6 with a good toy every day he behaves in school. My reward system is more down to earth. Behave for 1 week and you can have up to a choice of treats (rent a movie, go out to dinner, go out to dessert, get a small value toy, get a small value tablet app). I can't compete with her rewards financially and I also believe it to be bad for the long term. Has anyone dealt with this?

- I have a problem with boundaries. UBPDMom has shown at my house unannounced twice this week. One time the kids were just about to start bad times and night routines. The other, fortunately, we were not home (but she left a note).

[scraps66]

I'm interested in this one. 

Similar S10 and uNPD/BPDw.  Historically no system of rewards has worked and my feeling is that since S10 is consistently rewarded, it can't work and mother continues to reward the child by not giving him consequences when he's bad at school.  That makes it even tougher because we look like the bad guy then.  Right now there are few things I can use to reward or discipline.  Electronics or "screens" is about it. 

I've tried turning this around and making it an "earning" thing which I guess is the same as rewarding.   

My S10 has an IEP which gives him additional support and Wraparound Services.  You could go the avenue of working through school instead of your Dr.

[trying2coparent]

My S10 has an IEP which gives him additional support and Wraparound Services.  You could go the avenue of working through school instead of your Dr.

S6 has an IEP as well. He is still getting in trouble, despite their efforts. I do agree, they have a free reign at their mother's, including screen, games, and no curfew on those. I'm hopping to get some Occupational Therapy to help him.

[livednlearned]

Boundaries are critically important. You have to have them with your ex, and model them for your son. It's a lot of work, it can be very inconvenient, and you will probably struggle. It also gets easier eventually if you make it priority #1. Without boundaries, things get worse. 

It's also possible that there is more going on. I discovered that S13 had sensory processing disorder (SPD), in addition to ADD and ODD, or perhaps the SPD is what is contributing to the other things, it's hard to know how all of this interacts. SPD shows up in ADHD and Autism. For kids with SPD, it feels like the day is filled with land mines. They are in survival mode a lot of the time, and don't even know what it feels like to have things handled well by their sensory systems.

Some of the things that helped my son seemed weird, like brushing his skin. His SPD is mild, and he has figured out things that help him. Showers with different pressures, heavy blankets for sleeping, using a mini-trampoline. I don't know why, but these kinds of things help calm him. He also has learned to sit near the door in class so he can get up quickly and move through the hallway to his next class before there is super highway, that way he avoids being touched too much, which is something that used to created a feeling of panic.

I don't know how to handle the problem with the other parent except through court and getting legal custody. That's expensive and can take a while. I managed to do it, primarily because my ex obstructed things so badly, and I documented all of that so well. He had no good reason or explanation for why he didn't want S13 to receive services.