why is this so hard for me

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

  :'(  i cant seem to get past her am i the crazy one?   :'(

[shatterd]

  :'(  i cant seem to get past her am i the crazy one?   :'(

[FannyB]

No, you're almost certainly not. A pwBPD doesn't just go out with you, they totally immerse themselves in you to the point where you almost become like one unified entity. Then they f**k off and leave you!   You are de-toxing from an extremely powerful addiction and it takes time and extreme resolution to exorcise them from your psyche. Keep reading and learning until the point that it all seems so bizarre it's almost funny. They you realise that you never had a chance to go the distance with her and it's time to move on. Eventually.   

[Invictus01]

The first a couple of weeks after she was gone, it literally felt like I lost a half of me. I would be in bed at night and it felt like a half of me was gone. I thought I was going NUTS.

[valet]

Everyone here can empathize with that man!

When my ex left me because 'she was hurting me too much' and 'couldn't love me like I loved her', I was awfully confused, because it seemed like she could for the first 2 years of our relationship. The hardest thing to swallow, ironically, is that she 'didn't know why'. We just 'grew apart'.

It's kind of insane, actually, because we immediately take these words and blame ourselves. What was wrong with me if she couldn't love me, and why exactly was I hurting (myself, as implied by her) so bad? There are no real resolutions at first, not until you've had some time and find your way to a good knowledge base about people that exhibit these behavioral patterns.

Like everyone else has said, they draw us in completely and the relationship literally becomes our whole life. When it vanishes it almost feels like we have vanished. That goes away in time, with a lot of thinking, talking, and reading. Think of it this way: we were all full glasses of water at the beginning of our relationships with our exBPD partners, then they drank us up and when there was no water left they decided that they didn't need the glass anymore. They didn't realize that glasses are refillable, if you just walk over to the faucet.

Now, you gotta refill your own glass, but it is more than possible!

[shatterd]

ouch  thank you for the support  ur all right i feel that way exactly suckd in and draind  this has ben a reapeted thing with us for 8 years  letng go for good or just for now?  can she ever change can we just be happy  i love her very much and hate her at the same time   i cant keep doing this  i havnt ben able to speek with her idk wen i can next  not sure what i wood even say now    for everyone involved its a clear choice to let it die this time   not knowing what to do myself right now  im tierd of being blamed and hurt on purpose  im the good guy that was thrown away :'(

[Invictus01]

can she ever change can we just be happy

Negative on both accounts, dude... .

[shatterd]

 :'(dam man r u seriouse? i know ppl can change but is this something diffrent?

[cosmonaut]

No, you aren't crazy at all, it's the situation that's crazy.  What you are going through is an extreme difficult experience, and a very painful one.  I think everyone here can relate, and we have probably all felt overwhelmed by the pain and grief at one point or another.  Keep posting here, and keep sharing how you feel.  Many people feel that helps a lot to know that you are not alone, and to have guidance of those who have walked the road you are on.  I certainly did.

:'(dam man r u seriouse? i know ppl can change but is this something diffrent?

Strictly speaking, it is not impossible for your ex to change.  There are effective therapy options for pwBPD, and remission is possible.  However, it is not exactly common, and part of that is the deep shame and self hatred that pwBPD feel.  Overcoming that is very hard for them, and entering therapy can be extremely triggering.  It is not an easy task to begin, and it is not an easy task to stick to.  Therapy is hard work for anyone, but particularly so for those with a personality disorder.

[shatterd]

ya ive seen it in theropy with her alot  she lies all time  makes me sick  calling her out makes it worse for sure  i feel i have too be firm tho  after alll my love is real and her makeing mochery of it pisses me off  i dont veiw it as a game its seriouse stuff  all the lies all the time about evrything and its always someonelses fault wen she gets cought i wish there was hope here  i realy do love her  i have never ben treatd so bad in my life with her tho

[Invictus01]

:'(dam man r u seriouse? i know ppl can change but is this something diffrent?

You need to read up a whole lot on this disorder. According to psychiatrists, very few will go into therapy, even fewer will complete the therapy because it takes 5-7 years of therapy to show any results (if any results at all). Basically, the odds of the change are so small, it is almost crazy to try to stick around.

[Achaya]

I get very hung up also, on the way it was in the beginning of the relationship. Mine lasted about a year and a half  before my partner began to disengage emotionally for months at a time. Has anybody come up with any theories about why BPD people do this dance, where they get you into this immersed state then dump you? It might be helpful to understand it more. From the normal viewpoint, it is totally shattering to believe that she either loved me then lost interest, or never loved me at all. I tend to think the explanation is crazier than either of those. BPD people are simply not capable of loving in the stable, consistent way that everybody needs.

[shatterd]

i heer that alot   i feel like a sucker for trying so hard for so long   3kids   im in shock maybe about this    no cure? or no fixing this   its hard for me  ima fixer by nature i guess  i exhaust my self   actully destroyed my life to the point of no return because of this    so how to let go? and stay gone? the abuse ive sufferd here is overbearing most days  im still scared

[myself]

Shattterd, turn that loving fixing nature toward yourself now.

[shatterd]

thats great advice -myself- i have to try to comprehend that and aply it to me 

[cosmonaut]

These are really good questions, Achaya.  There are indeed theories as to why pwBPD behave the way that they do.  Let me see if I can help to flesh things out a bit.

One of the primary hallmarks of BPD is having extremely sensitive, overwhelming emotions.   These are often negative and can be excruciatingly painful for a pwBPD when they occur, which is regularly.   Much of the rest of the disorder stems from attempts to deal with this tremendous emotional pain.   Marsha Lineham, the founder of DBT therapy and a well respected authority on BPD, has liked BPD to having third degree emotional burns to the point that everything hurts - even air currents or the rubbing of a sheet is agony.  For a pwBPD even routine emotions are experienced in the most extreme way.  pwBPD long above anything to have someone that will love them and "complete" them.  Everyone wants and needs love, but for a pwBPD this is a matter of their very existence.  The reasons for this are highly complex, and frankly more than I fully understand about the disorder.  It delves deep into the field of object relations theory and other psychological research that I just don't have the background to fully understand.  However, the root reason involves the failure of a pwBPD to have developed an autonomous "self".   This is believed to be the result of an invalidating environment in very early life, as well as certain unknown genetic factors.  One thing is clear is that it requires a person that is extremely emotionally sensitive and that they grew up in an environment they experienced as invalidating.  Due to this underdeveloped sense of "self" pwBPD feel lost and adrift in life - as if they are empty - when the do not have an attachment to cling to.  This attachment is necessary to allow the pwBPD to borrow a self of "self" and thus they hope to "complete" them.  When an attachment is absent, it is a terrifying and confusing time for a pwBPD.

One of the most triggering events for a pwBPD is emotional intimacy and the greater the intimacy, the greater the trigger.   This is believed to lie in the deep fear of abandonment that is another hallmark of the disorder.  As mentioned above, pwBPD believe that they must have an attachment to survive and the loss of an attachment is a terror like you and I may not be able to fully imagine.  pwBPD idolize those who are able to provide this attachment, however, in much the way that a small child idolized a parent.   Initially, pwBPD believe they have finally found the person who will "complete" them and care for them and provide the love, nurturing, and particularly the emotional soothing that they are unable to provide for themselves.

It is a contentious issue as to whether or not pwBPD actually love their partners or if they are simply using their partners - if only on a deeply subconscious level.  Regardless, it is clear, that they are not sociopaths, and they are not using their partner maliciously or even consciously.  My personal belief is that pwBPD truly do love some of their partners, at least in the best way that they know how.  It is an immature love and a disordered love, but I believe it is a sincere love - at least at the time.   I don't know that every partner is loved like this, but some certainly are.  Reading the experiences of pwBPD and how they describe certain partners this is a very common theme.  They do love and they love very deeply - completely even - in an idolizing way, but due to the disorder it is simply not sustainable.

Besides abandonment pwBPD experience a phenomenon known as engulfment.  Engulfment is a feeling of becoming lost in the relationship and of a blurring of one's self with one's partner.   Due to the underdeveloped sense of "self" that characterizes BPD, this triggers terrifying annihilation fears in the pwBPD.   This causes them to pull away and to run.   It is this oscillation between the fear of abandonment and the fear of engulfment that causes the classic BPD push/pull cycle.

Ok, that's a lot of information, and here's where it all comes together.  None of these fears would be triggered without emotional intimacy.  The fear of abandonment and the fear or engulfment are not, and would not be triggered, except in relationships with significant emotional closeness.  This is why pwBPD are sometimes able to interact perfectly fine with coworkers or other acquaintances that they are not emotionally close with.   Unfortunately for us partners of a pwBPD, the more the intimacy, the greater the trigger.  So, you see it is only because you WERE cared about and you WERE loved that this disorder was ever triggered at all.  If you hadn't been cared about, you never would have been so completely terrifying to lose - so much so that the very thought of it was agonizing and terrifying beyond all measure.  Once we have become a trigger, the very thought of us is agonizingly painful, and so we are suppressed and ignored with the array of primitive coping mechanisms employed in BPD.

I hope that helps to make more sense of things.  If you'd like to do some further reading on your own, this Lessons thread can get you going.

[cosmonaut]

i heer that alot   i feel like a sucker for trying so hard for so long   3kids   im in shock maybe about this    no cure? or no fixing this   its hard for me  ima fixer by nature i guess  i exhaust my self   actully destroyed my life to the point of no return because of this    so how to let go? and stay gone? the abuse ive sufferd here is overbearing most days  im still scared

I would not say the situation is hopeless.  I would say it's difficult.  There are many members on the Staying board who are in relationships with BPD partners, and some of them have been for years or decades.  That's not to say that these relationships are easy by any means, but they are possible.  It does, however, require that we make changes and also that our partner makes changes.  The only way that real stability will be able to occur, however, is for our BPD partner to really begin to resolve the core issues of their disorder in therapy, and learn to better regulate their emotions.  This is certainly possible as shown by the successes of therapy like Dialectical Behavioral Therapy and Schema Therapy.

Please don't feel like a sucker.  You are not the cause of this and this is not your fault.  You are dealing with a very serious, and rather hidden disorder.  None of us could have expected what we were dealing with.  So, please don't be hard on yourself about this.  It truly is not your fault.

[shatterd]

i appriciate that   she split in january again  and no we have a non contact order  so we cant talk or anything  herd shes moveing away again    this time without me  we have done this for 8 years  i feel like a sucker cuz i feel i was used for kids and i was good enuff untill something bettr came along      i dont if therpy for her will help she only lies and blames others for this   i know its not my fault  and honestly i do love her still but im slowly takeng pride in being her trigger right now    she has no care about me and shes not thinkng about her ffects on my kids   so ya im being a lil harsh  sorry        after reading for sevral hours this week on here and talking alot with ppl and theropists   im thinkng this is it   time to quit for good and move on   i cant fix this  i cant help her anymore    and her violence and instability imaturity  is too much   i dont want to give up   i dont want to be done   but i think i need to walk away n stay away this time

[cosmonaut]

These are very hard relationships.  I certainly understand about how you feel conflicted.  I still do too.  We love our exes, and there's absolutely no shame in that.  We miss them.  We wish things could have worked out.  But, we also recognize that, at least for now, they are gone.

You are very right that you can't fix this.  This is not a problem that you in any way created, and to be honest your ex didn't either.  This is a misfortune that happened to her, but one that has a tremendous effect on you too.  Ultimately, only she can take the needed steps to begin overcoming her disorder.  You are very right that you can't help her.  This is something she has to do on her own.  The best thing that we can be doing right now is to focus on us.  To tend to our wounds and work on our healing.

[shatterd]

is there any hope for her? to be diffrent to be happy  for this cycle to end? or am i just alaways guna be the black trigger?