Pregnant and terrified, been coping with partner with BPD 2 yrs

[funfunky]

I'm in a relationship with a man who has BPD. He's had minor treatment for it but always talks himself out of going and starts and stops medication frequently. I have a 6 yo from a previous relationship living with us. He thinks of her as a daughter but also doesn't at the same time. He used to be a lot more violent and with a higher amount of frequency,  but now is mostly doing somewhat better, except for today. Today he had a total melt down. He actually threatened my life and I was terrified. He is always impossible to escape from in an argument because he is too fast and strong to escape. He usually corners me or holds me down when he's in that mode. I have yet to learn how to diffuse an argument with him. It basically goes something like "you have destroyed my life with this baby. Why haven't you aborted it? You're selfish for keeping the child." Or "you're a horrible b___ just like every other girl I've been with and you cheated on me like they did. I have to see that guy every day. I will never ever get over it!" If I try to defend myself I get nowhere. We were not even in a relationship yet when the alleged cheating happened.  I try to argue that and I get screamed at. After over a year I gave up and allowed him his fantasy that it was cheating and switched to apologizing. It kinda helped, but it also didn't.  He still brings it up in half the arguments. Now many arguments center on the baby to be. How I should have watched my cycles better. How I'm man trapping him. I honestly do not know how to diffuse him when he gets like this. I've tried defending myself or agreeing with him, and apologizing.  None work. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to say. Staying silent makes it all worse. One word answers piss him off. Arguing back posses him off. Crying my eyes out and apologizing profusely also enrages him. If I call the police he'll probably beat me. That and he won't trust me ever again. I'm basically screwed if he ever does try to really hurt me. I want to know how to diffuse him and fast. These fights can't continue like this. I am seeing a therapist. She's helpful in helping me cope,  but without him in treatment it's like we're just doing damage control. Someone please help me stop the fights.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[Mike-X]

Wow. I am just so sorry for all that you are and have been dealing with. It is so good to hear that you have a therapist helping you to preserve your mental health. Welcome to the boards. I am glad that you found them.

The shift from defending to agreeing and apologizing seems to be consistent in these types of relationships. I went through that, and it didn't work for me in the long run. My thought is that her seeing me hurt made her feel worse about herself. Validation was key to reducing the intensity of the rages for me in my relationship with my udxGF. Have you read through the communication tools: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206.msg913190#msg913190

The threats, his restraining you, and intensity of the language used in the rages is very concerning to me.  Please read the following on domestic violence crisis support: https://bpdfamily.com/discussions/search-info4.htm

What have you learned about BPD and his core issues?

[Bassoutcast]

So sorry to hear what you're going through, we're here for you 

You mentioned you're currently 2 years into this r/s, yet you say you weren't in a relationship with this person while you got pregnant. It'd be helpful to know the chronological order of things.

Have you gone through the lessons on the right column of this board? I'd highly recommend giving it a go 

One thing you must remember - even though you're accused, it's not your fault. A pwBPD will project his/hers inner feelings onto you, in order to avoid dealing with them. It's often that what you're being accused for is actually what your SO wBPD feels, a reflection of his core issues.

The best thing I'd recommend is focusing on yourself and learning the tools for communication with a pwBPD. Remember - we can not fix them, nor can we force them to seek treatment - it's their own personal choice, but we can support them along the way. In a relationship with a mentally ill person it's CRUCIAL to maintain your mental health at it's peak. It's so good that you're seeing a therapist to help you 

Welcome aboard.

[funfunky]

I did get pregnant from him. The cheating mentioned was before the start 2 yrs ago. It is most definitely his. Thanks for the resources.  I haven't had a chance to read through everything yet. Not sure what core issues are yet, but I know he suffered an insane amount of trauma from family during childhood.

[Bassoutcast]

I did get pregnant from him. The cheating mentioned was before the start 2 yrs ago. It is most definitely his. Thanks for the resources.  I haven't had a chance to read through everything yet. Not sure what core issues are yet, but I know he suffered an insane amount of trauma from family during childhood.

Quite often, BPD is caused by an incident/multiple incidents during early childhood and/or infancy (e.x : sexual abuse, neglectful parenting, etc), which essentially causes the person to stop their emotional development at a very young age, hence the often child-like behavior of a pwBPD.

I'd recommend reading up on setting boundaries and validation. from what you described the relationship tends to get to the verge of physical abuse - an unacceptable behavior as it is, especially if you are carrying a child. Healthy boundaries are essential in any kind of relationship, and it is by maintaining them we are able to maintain a sense of self.

Hope you're doing better   

[Mike-X]

I did get pregnant from him. Not sure what core issues are yet, but I know he suffered an insane amount of trauma from family during childhood.

Another reading that covers the core issues:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/Dr-Jekyll-and-Mr-Hyde

particularly under "Borderline Personality Disorder is a Disorder of the Emotions"

[lbjnltx]

Hi funfunky,

I'm sorry to hear that your situation can sometimes be unsafe.  We have many workshops on reducing conflict like "how to stop circular arguments, how to take a time out, how to deal with a jealous partner, etc... ."

You can find them on this board by clicking this link---> Workshops

This information taken from Developing a Family Crisis Safety Plan may be helpful to keep a situation from elevating into a crisis:

1. Don'€™t argue with the ill person that what he/she is seeing, hearing, or feeling is unreal. Assure the person that you understand what his/her are experiencing is real to him/her and you want to help.

2. Don'€™t threaten. It may be interpreted as a power play and increase fear or encourage assaultive behavior.

3. Don'€™t argue with other family members as to how to treat the situation. This creates more confusion.

4. Don'€™t touch or have continuous eye contact with the patient. Don'€™t turn your back on him/her.

5. Comply with reasonable, safe requests from the patient. This provides the patient with an opportunity to regain some of the control.

6. Don'€™t block the doorway (However, try to keep yourself between the patient and an exit.)

7. Remember, do call the police if the person is violent. Most important, explain to police the details of the situation before they arrive so they will be prepared: i.e., how long the crisis has gone on; is the person suicidal; how has the person been violent; are there guns in the house; does the patient have a weapon of any kind.

8. Most importantly, understand that this illness is not your fault, nor is it the fault of the person in crisis

Click on the Safety First icon to the right bottom of this page can help you assess your risk levels.

We are here to help and want you and your children to be safe.



lbjnltx