Trying REALLY hard

[DyingLove]

I struggle to pinpoint that "one thing" that starts the ball of hurt rolling.  It is all so intertwined that I end up as confused as my R/S was.

I love her & I felt loved in return.  I did, it's no lie and it's not an illusion.  Just as the pwBPD loves differently, so does each and everyone of us.  I'm not saying that everyone has genuine love... .and I'm not say they don't.  But I still love my ex.  I felt the love right back at me too.  That was no illusion.  Just as aspirin could be sold under different label names, her love could be described differently too.  But I felt it and it was there for a while.  How could it end is my big big dilemma. Occasionally I'll find screen shots of text messages, or old posts on fb or even my private messages that I saved from facebook.  There was so much talk of love and forever and other buzzwords and phrases and words of such passion and feeling.  What the heck happened!

I was not alone & now I am so alone at least in my mind.  This sucks to the high heavens.  I had this wonderful woman... .and now I don't.  It's not by my hand that she is removed.  It's by her hand.  There is no rhyme or reason that it happened.  Damn... .she even sent heartfelt messages quite often to me on FB and texting:

-Hello baby. I love you.

-I love you, sexy man!

-Baby I am so happy you are home... . I love you so much.

-I love you, Baby... . They say absence makes the heart grow fonder... . They didn't mention that it makes you crazy, also. I miss you, My Love.

-I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you. Just letting you know... . I love you.

-ALC Loves MAK Sr.   Felt like a teenager again.

-Love Love Love Love

-I'm on my way home to you, babe.

-Good Morning, My LOVE!

-I'll love you until peaches grow on mango trees on the 31st of February♥

-I love you baby... . Thank you for not giving up on me.

-Just think... . 2weeks from now... . We will be waking up in each others arms.

-Good Morning My Love... . Have a great day... .

-I love you babe... . I so hope you feel better when you wake.

-I miss my man.

These are just a bunch that I cut and pasted from our page in fb.  So hard to get over them... .so what- THE DAMN LIES!

I felt that God blessed me I found my soul mate & now I feel cursed and abandoned.  I feel like I'll never shake this out of my system, although I know one day I will.

Damn her.

[FannyB]

You must have dated my ex then - I've seen nearly all of those too! She was deluding herself at the same time she deluded you - to her it was all real. The honeymoon phase fills them with hope and joy and is intoxicating for them as it temporarily overrides the 'bad' feelings they normally have. When it wears off we are hopelessly hooked and they are just annoyed and frustrated we are not 'superman' after all!  :'( The more you read - the more you will understand, just don't take it personally. There were plenty duped before you, and many after will follow suit. I think the term 'non' is short for 'nonplussed'! 

[DyingLove]

You must have dated my ex then - I've seen nearly all of those too! She was deluding herself at the same time she deluded you - to her it was all real. The honeymoon phase fills them with hope and joy and is intoxicating for them as it temporarily overrides the 'bad' feelings they normally have. When it wears off we are hopelessly hooked and they are just annoyed and frustrated we are not 'superman' after all!  :'( The more you read - the more you will understand, just don't take it personally. There were plenty duped before you, and many after will follow suit. I think the term 'non' is short for 'nonplussed'! 

I don't take your comment in a bad way at all fannyb, I'm just feeling like crap and needing to share and reach out to everyone like you that understands... .and I'm sure it's 99% of everyone here.  I don't understand "nonplussed?" can you explain?  Probably obvious but I can't think right now.  You explained well about the annoyed and frustrated part.  Thank you.

[dagwoodbowser]

This is a re-post of something I mentioned before about not being Seduced by Words, but even though I am into middle age, I'm still learning. For years on end I lived by an old school philosophy to take people at their Word. I would still consider myself a man of my word, but after many broken verbal promises in business and associates I learned to protect myself with well written contracts.

After this experience with my BPDx, I've reevaluated my entire view on what people say. My X had a way with words. Things flowed out of her mouth that were like milk and honey and I fell for it every time. She's not that great in the written word, but when she can put together a few sentences it's same effect. I've learned that Anyone can say anything. It's so easy to do. However, walking the talk... .that's where the rubber meets the road. Words... .that's all they are sometimes.

I now pay attention to what someone Does, not what they Say. I'm not much of a betting man, but I'm sure if yours is close to my situation the Words never matched up with what they actually Did. So take heart... .I know they mean something to special to you, but at end of the day they were just painted words. Think more about the actions, hopefully there were some special ones you can find.

[FannyB]

DL - I'm using the British meaning of nonplussed - 'so surprised and confused that one is unsure how to react'. Might mean something different in the U.S.

I think the confounding thing is that during the idealization phase the actions do match the words. 

[DyingLove]

This is a re-post of something I mentioned before about not being Seduced by Words, but even though I am into middle age, I'm still learning. For years on end I lived by an old school philosophy to take people at their Word. I would still consider myself a man of my word, but after many broken verbal promises in business and associates I learned to protect myself with well written contracts.

After this experience with my BPDx, I've reevaluated my entire view on what people say. My X had a way with words. Things flowed out of her mouth that were like milk and honey and I fell for it every time. She's not that great in the written word, but when she can put together a few sentences it's same effect. I've learned that Anyone can say anything. It's so easy to do. However, walking the talk... .that's where the rubber meets the road. Words... .that's all they are sometimes.

I now pay attention to what someone Does, not what they Say. I'm not much of a betting man, but I'm sure if yours is close to my situation the Words never matched up with what they actually Did. So take heart... .I know they mean something to special to you, but at end of the day they were just painted words. Think more about the actions, hopefully there were some special ones you can find.

Thanks dagwoodbowser.  I obviously know they don't mean what I hear.  But DAMN, it hurts like hell hell hell being decieved.  It's totally crushing... .it's like watching your entire life blast through your mind like some science fiction movie.  Horrible.

[Sunfl0wer]

Hey DyingLove,

I feel like you.  I did not want it to end.  I didn't think it would end.

I thought I was crazy to think these things so I have gone back to read those wonderful love notes from the beginning of the r/s.

During the b/u process I even went so far to email some to him wondering wth happened?

He just responded by coming up with some "wrong" that I did that erased that all away in his head forever.

idk though, I don't think I was decieved.  I think many of our partners are just confused and their confusing words and contradictions are a reflection of their inner confusion. That doesn't necessarily mean you were decieved. 

(well, unless yours was saying those things while cheating or something)

Anyway... .

Just wanted to say sorry you are in pain.

This sucks! and hurts!

[DyingLove]

DL - I'm using the British meaning of nonplussed - 'so surprised and confused that one is unsure how to react'. Might mean something different in the U.S.

I think the confounding thing is that during the idealization phase the actions do match the words. 

Thank you FannyB

[DyingLove]

Hey DyingLove,

I feel like you.  I did not want it to end.  I didn't think it would end.

I thought I was crazy to think these things so I have gone back to read those wonderful love notes from the beginning of the r/s.

During the b/u process I even went so far to email some to him wondering wth happened?

He just responded by coming up with some "wrong" that I did that erased that all away in his head forever.

idk though, I don't think I was decieved.  I think many of our partners are just confused and their confusing words and contradictions are a reflection of their inner confusion. That doesn't necessarily mean you were decieved. 

(well, unless yours was saying those things while cheating or something)

Anyway... .

Just wanted to say sorry you are in pain.

This sucks! and hurts!

Thank you Sunflower.  I'm in a total state of confusion right now.  Painful is not strong enuff a word.

[Hopeless777]

I heard all the same words too. I really do think they mean what they say. But the next minute it could change. That's the part I couldn't deal with any further. Good riddance! But I love and adore her still! Sometimes I'm pitiful.

[myself]

Here's something, despite understanding and accepting this stuff as much as I do, that I've still been trying to wrap my head around: I was an even better partner for her at the end of our relationship (having worked on personal issues and learning how to better be with a person with issues like hers) than I was during the early 'idealizing' time. To me, the situation was improving. To her, in her own words, she alternated between that and freaking out (ultimately feeling compelled to leave). Even though everything she said she had wished and dreamed, and yes worked for too, was coming true in the best ways. Why? Because: Intimacy = Good/Bad. Blessing/Curse. Relief/Pain. Hello/Goodbye. Another piece of this is, the words that were said go both ways. They heard us too. They wonder what was real (or not) too. Letting go is about making as much sense of this as we can.