Honestly, is it worth it?

[workinprogress]

So, I am trying to make this marriage work, and to quote a coworker, my "wife is exhausting."

Everything is great as long as I make all the effort.  When I finally can't do it anymore, or begin to feel resentful of all the attention she gives other people or about our lack of affection, I withdraw a little.  When I withdraw she does stuff like quit wearing her wedding ring.

I think I'm being manipulated.

When I bring up the lack of sex she says, "I just can't be the person you want me to be."  WTH? 

As with our whole marriage, I make all the effort, she reaps the rewards.  Nothing I say makes her understand this.

Maybe it's best to join the leaving board.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mike-X]

So, I am trying to make this marriage work, and to quote a coworker, my "wife is exhausting."

Everything is great as long as I make all the effort.  When I finally can't do it anymore, or begin to feel resentful of all the attention she gives other people or about our lack of affection, I withdraw a little.  When I withdraw she does stuff like quit wearing her wedding ring.

I think I'm being manipulated.

When I bring up the lack of sex she says, "I just can't be the person you want me to be."  WTH? 

As with our whole marriage, I make all the effort, she reaps the rewards.  Nothing I say makes her understand this.

Maybe it's best to join the leaving board.

I am sorry about all of this. Can you give some concrete examples of the exchanges?

[vortex of confusion]

 

It is very exhausting!

Can you realistically leave?

I have been pretty gung ho to leave at different times. Then I go into logic mode and realize that I cannot make the choice to leave yet. So, I choose to stay and find ways to make it through another day.

You can't make her understand anything. You accept things as they are or leave. Those are the only options that I see these days.

[workinprogress]

I am sorry about all of this. Can you give some concrete examples of the exchanges?

Some examples, in no particular order.

When we married, she wanted to build a house right away.  We had an opportunity in which my parents offered to give me land to build on, I was against it.  I didn't like the area it was in and didn't trust my parents.  I went against my judgment and built it to make her happy (I know, people pleaser).

Later, I was offered a fantastic chance to move out of state, basically it was the sky's the limit opportunity.  She refused to move, so I had to miss out on it.  

When it came to having kids, she begged me to get her pregnant early on in the marriage.  So, I carefully weighed the decision, I was hesitant, but I felt that we were partners at the time and did it.  Later, when I wanted another child, she absolutely refused.

When I discussed our lack of sex life, she would tell me to "get over it."  That things change.  It is very hard for me to know that it has been years since my wife and I have been intimate.  So, I keep trying to make it through.  At times, I get a little depressed about it and withdraw some.  When I withdraw, my wife will do things like quit wearing her wedding ring.

I make all the effort for everything.  She gets massages, I don't.

I reach out to keep communication lines open, she makes no effort at all, unless she wants something.

She never asks how my day was or how I'm doing.

She acts like she is so "fun" with everyone else.  I haven't had fun with her in 15 years.

I just wonder if it is worth it.

[workinprogress]

 

It is very exhausting!

Can you realistically leave?

I have been pretty gung ho to leave at different times. Then I go into logic mode and realize that I cannot make the choice to leave yet. So, I choose to stay and find ways to make it through another day.

You can't make her understand anything. You accept things as they are or leave. Those are the only options that I see these days.

I know I can't make her understand anything at all.  I also try to accept things and keep getting through.  I sometimes wonder if I am not missing out on a better, happier life.  I know the grass is always greener, but I am standing on sand. 

[waverider]

This apparent lack of effort, does wear you out and make respecting someone difficult.

Is it worth it? Only you can decide that. The best time to decide that is not in response to any particular incident. Rather a growing awareness after you have tried all you can using the best known coping skills and tools. That way if you decide its not for you there will be less chance of having to deal with the "what ifs"

Good luck with working it out. It is not an easy thing, and we all have our limits

Waverider

[workinprogress]

Oh, I will add this... .

I worked with a guy a few months back.  He really tries to coach me about different aspects of my job by getting me to think "outside the box."

I recall at one point during lunch, he said to me, "when are you going to start doing for you?  When are you going to get something out of life?"

The funny thing is, we hadn't even discussed my marriage.  Perhaps he could just tell that I was miserable?

[babyducks]

hi workinprogress,

I definitely hear how tired and frustrated you are.   I certainly understand how living under the constant pressure to conform to a pwBPD expectations can drain the energy and life out of a body.  I went through a little of that myself. 

I noticed that you mentioned a couple of places where you said you did things you didn't really want to for the sake of your marriage.  I think that's one of the struggles of being in this type of r/s.   For a while I was more than willing to put my SO's needs/wants/desires first above anything I wanted.   And then I just wanted to avoid an argument at any cost so I did things I didn't want to do, peace at any price.

I lifted this from another thread because it fits me and what I went through and I think it applies to your topic.

One of the first things I learned in T, one of the most important lessons, and it's almost my mantra, is that "You can't control what someone else does, you can only control your reaction to what they do."  I believe that it is vitally important for partners of people with BPD traits - to get their own, individual therapy. If you have a good therapist, you will get help for your own issues.  (and I guarantee you - you have them if you're partnered with a pwBPD).  You will learn how to take care of yourself (including the affirmations I mentioned). You will learn communication skills, and how to be validating, and how to stop enabling.  You will learn to find the YOU you abandoned, when you began to take care of the emotional needs of a pwBPD.  Most importantly, as you learn and apply these things, your reactions to your pwBPD partner will change. And their behavior towards you will change. They will still have extreme feelings, and still dissociate, and be paranoid, and so on. But they will gradually learn to stop at the boundaries you set.

Another nice side-benefit of therapy for you, is that if you've been partnered with a pwBPD for a length of time, it may be that you have completely forgotten how to relate to "normal" people.  You can re-learn those skills.  I was amazed at how I had basically lost all of my friends immediately after getting married. I spend a long time in my life, where the only adults I talked with were people at work, and my wife.  And about a year after I started individual therapy, I was making friends again - and ENJOYING it.  (this, also, helped to give me a better baseline against which I could gauge my wife's behavior.  WOW; you mean it's not normal to be treated this way? People don't really act like this?).

I did abandon ME when I partnered with my pwBPD and I needed to go get me back.  It was strangely hard to do, identify my wants and needs.   Sometimes I had to be wiling to have that argument, endure her extreme feelings and still say, I am doing this because it's what I want.

You are right.  No r/s can survive being entirely one sided.   In my opinion that's something other than a relationship.   

I think Tortuga has a good point about individual therapy, however if that isn't possible right now I would suggest you find one thing you 'can start doing for yourself' and make a commitment to it.   Even if it is something simple.  Thursday night at the ballpark with the boys.  Something you enjoy.  Something just for yourself.  I don't think it matters so much ~what~ it is more that you have decided to do something for you.

I also want to echo what waverider said,  responding to a particular incident or from a particular low point usually isn't a good foundation for moving forward.  Take your time with this decision.

be good to yourself.

'ducks

[workinprogress]

Thanks for the responses.  Babyducks, my youngest son and I go jogging and walking together.  I really enjoy it and we talk a great deal about his hopes and dreams.  It has been a nice break for me, and he is becoming a talented runner and recently won the 400M at his last track meet.

I try not to react emotionally to my wife.  I try to be strong and so forth.  Sometimes I feel used by her.  I don't like it.  After she got what she wanted from me I became nothing.  At least that's how it seems.

I feel like a fool at times.

She will act like a friend sometimes, but I think a marriage should be more than that.

[babyducks]

 I really enjoy it and we talk a great deal about his hopes and dreams.  

workinprogress,

Is there a way you can springboard off the jogging/walking into something that gets you out of the house and involved in something uniquely your own?

I am aware you are discussing serious and major issues in your marriage.  I am coming at this from the perspective of a journey of 1000 miles starts with a single step.  You seem really clear that things aren't they way you want them right now.   You seem really clear that you have run to your limit with accommodating your wife's expectations.

My experience in a similar situation was I let the level of frustration build until I exploded and acted in ways I regret.  I wish some one had suggested to me I start with smaller more manageable changes.  

Feeling used, discarded and foolish is perfectly normal.   I think the trick is channeling that in a positive way.  

Does that make any sense?

'ducks

[workinprogress]

 I really enjoy it and we talk a great deal about his hopes and dreams.  

workinprogress,

Is there a way you can springboard off the jogging/walking into something that gets you out of the house and involved in something uniquely your own?

I am aware you are discussing serious and major issues in your marriage.  I am coming at this from the perspective of a journey of 1000 miles starts with a single step.  You seem really clear that things aren't they way you want them right now.   You seem really clear that you have run to your limit with accommodating your wife's expectations.

My experience in a similar situation was I let the level of frustration build until I exploded and acted in ways I regret.  I wish some one had suggested to me I start with smaller more manageable changes.  

Feeling used, discarded and foolish is perfectly normal.   I think the trick is channeling that in a positive way.  

Does that make any sense?

'ducks

It makes perfect sense.  I really dove into work for many years.  I was even offered a promotion that would have been a life changer, but wife refused to move so I had to turn it and another promotion.

Now, I have been in the same position for 16 years and honestly, it bores me.  I need some new challenges. 

I do have an idea for a business, but at the moment I don't want to invest the money. 

I have also started weight training, and I enjoy it, but I think I am going to work in more cardio based exercises.  Weight training was good for awhile, but it is getting sort of boring also, .

Thanks for the suggestions, and I am giving what I am going to do a lot of thought.  In fact, I have given so much patient thought as to what I am going to do it has paralyzed me a bit.

[maxsterling]

I know the feeling.  Every so often, I go through a phase where I feel like I am spinning, see where life could be easier without this r/s, and wonder if it is worth it.  Sure, there is the pain of the breakup to someone I definitely love.  But a year after a breakup - would my life be better? 

I suggest taking a step back, and make sure you arent just responding to the emotion of the day.  Sure, after she spends days dysregulating, I feel like it's not worth it, too.  But it's hard to answer such tough questions when I am emotionally in the moment.

[DyingLove]

So, I am trying to make this marriage work, and to quote a coworker, my "wife is exhausting."

Everything is great as long as I make all the effort.  When I finally can't do it anymore, or begin to feel resentful of all the attention she gives other people or about our lack of affection, I withdraw a little.  When I withdraw she does stuff like quit wearing her wedding ring.

I think I'm being manipulated.

When I bring up the lack of sex she says, "I just can't be the person you want me to be."  WTH? 

As with our whole marriage, I make all the effort, she reaps the rewards.  Nothing I say makes her understand this.

Maybe it's best to join the leaving board.

WOW workinprogress!  I've been posting on the LEAVING board because, I'm in B/U.  I've been under so much duress and considering breaking my n/c.  I really miss and love my ex and the time away and illusions of happiness are really clouding my better judgement.

In one of my current posts on the detached board, Skip recommended I come here and peruse because I'm under a very strong influence right now to get back with my exBPDgf.

So the first post I run into is yours. WOW Super Sorry for you workinprogress.

It kinda gave me a flashback of how things used to be.  So it was like putting me on that TV show scared straight! Telling those kiddies what they have to look forward to in the big time jail. Or going into a nightmare with the ghost of christmas past and present.

Well, even only after looking at your post, just one post, I'm kinda thinking of NOT breaking contact, I'm 42 days in and kinda proud of the number.

On the other hand, I've been where you are.  All this stuff is super exhausting, and it's almost like there is no relief in sight!  Like you said, as long as you make the effort... .I've been there too, then the effort doesn't work at times and we feel crazy! Mine always wore her rings that I gave her (we weren't married) unless she misplaced it/them, or sometimes would take off in her sleep.  Yes, mine gave attention to others and not to me... .she rarely stood in my "corner".  I sometimes seemed like the patsy. Sex usually was good and almost always there, but there were times that it slacked off... .and at the moment of B/U... .bye bye sex!  I've been sex free since at least feb 12.   It sucks!

If I got back with her, she'd have to initiate changes, otherwise it would be hard to see any changes that could be.  Good luck workinprogress.  People that have undergone breakup have their grief and suffering too. Believe me.   

[waverider]

DyingLove & Workinprogress This is a good example of why thorough use of the tools on the Staying board is essential to reach that stage of clarity where these delusions are expunged. Undecided is bad place to be for too long, especially once you have declared it to your pwBPD.

Far better to have exhausted all you can to repair it, and be aware of it, before leaving.

[DyingLove]

DyingLove & Workinprogress This is a good example of why thorough use of the tools on the Staying board is essential to reach that stage of clarity where these delusions are expunged. Undecided is bad place to be for too long, especially once you have declared it to your pwBPD.

Far better to have exhausted all you can to repair it, and be aware of it, before leaving.

I agree waverider.  Although I had no choice in the matter at the end/B/U.  Wish I did and wish it wasn't over.   

[workinprogress]

Sorry to hear about what you went through Dying.

Thanks for all the advice Wave.  I am being patient and taking my time with this.

Wouldn't you know it, I get exasperated with everything and suddenly she is nice to me again.

I think she has some kind of radar for this.

[waverider]

Sorry to hear about what you went through Dying.

Thanks for all the advice Wave.  I am being patient and taking my time with this.

Wouldn't you know it, I get exasperated with everything and suddenly she is nice to me again.

I think she has some kind of radar for this.

To be honest you dont get respect for meeting their needs. Strong consistent boundaries work best. Flat out "no" may get an extinction burst, but at the end of the day, it is black and white, and they can do black and white.

Often think it is a kind of self sabotage, they can try to mold you into something they have no respect for when they achieve it.