I used to feel dread 24/7 -- it wasn't until I moved out that I realized what that feeling was. It does go away, although like eco said, I found it was present whenever we interacted. My interactions were limited to email and text messages, and just seeing there was a message from him would trigger that feeling of dread.
It goes away a lot as you get stronger and create more distance. My T finally got through my thick head how important it was to take care of myself. People kept saying that and I kept thinking yeah yeah, my life is too stressful for that. It was a big
moment when I realized I was in charge of me, and could do what I want, that the stress was a byproduct of what I was doing, not a byproduct of what was happening to me, if that makes sense. But that first step is a big one. You have to believe that you matter more than anything else, and that can be challenging after you've been in an abusive marriage.
I cannot believe the amount of guilt that used to control my life. It was a 10,000 pound bag of guilt I dragged everywhere, a lot of it manufactured by my own belief system, all based on ghost voices in my head about what I
should be doing.
It also gets a lot easier when the legal proceedings wind down. Or when you start to get a knack for how things work -- that's only if you get dragged into a long-drawn out high-conflict divorce. My ex was a former trial lawyer and was representing himself, so I probably spent more time dealing with him in court than most people here. By the end of the 4 years, when there was finally not much left to drag through court, the only dread I felt was financial.
What are you doing to take care of yourself?
