When does the gnawing in the gut go away?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Even after 10 months of separation and divorce proceedings underway I still feel that daily uneasy feeling gnawing at my stomach.  I used to feel it 24/7 when I lived with her, so I'm glad it's receding. 

Does it ever go away?  How long does it take?

[getting_better]

Even after 10 months of separation and divorce proceedings underway I still feel that daily uneasy feeling gnawing at my stomach.  I used to feel it 24/7 when I lived with her, so I'm glad it's receding. 

Does it ever go away?  How long does it take?

[Eco]

I've been out almost 3 yrs and I will say I only feel that way when I have to see her. I have a 2 yr old daughter with her so I will have to see her till the end of my time. I feel so free now though, it took some time for that to happen. the timeframe depends on how quickly you can get her out of your mind, for me the problem was letting her live in 99% of my head.

I try not to engage in her craziness these days but having a child with her makes it hard to do, I still find myself having arguments with her in my head   I think I do this so I feel that I can be heard by someone and be able to express my feelings.

do you have kids with her?

[livednlearned]

I used to feel dread 24/7 -- it wasn't until I moved out that I realized what that feeling was. It does go away, although like eco said, I found it was present whenever we interacted. My interactions were limited to email and text messages, and just seeing there was a message from him would trigger that feeling of dread.

It goes away a lot as you get stronger and create more distance. My T finally got through my thick head how important it was to take care of myself. People kept saying that and I kept thinking yeah yeah, my life is too stressful for that. It was a big  moment when I realized I was in charge of me, and could do what I want, that the stress was a byproduct of what I was doing, not a byproduct of what was happening to me, if that makes sense. But that first step is a big one. You have to believe that you matter more than anything else, and that can be challenging after you've been in an abusive marriage.

I cannot believe the amount of guilt that used to control my life. It was a 10,000 pound bag of guilt I dragged everywhere, a lot of it manufactured by my own belief system, all based on ghost voices in my head about what I should be doing.

It also gets a lot easier when the legal proceedings wind down. Or when you start to get a knack for how things work -- that's only if you get dragged into a long-drawn out high-conflict divorce. My ex was a former trial lawyer and was representing himself, so I probably spent more time dealing with him in court than most people here. By the end of the 4 years, when there was finally not much left to drag through court, the only dread I felt was financial.

What are you doing to take care of yourself?

[going places]

I am 10 months post divorce after a 25 year marriage.

It has been 9 months since I have seen him.

The constant 'gnawing' started to subside about the 7 month mark.

The house sold, and the kids and I moved to an apartment.

I had NO reason to talk to him (house sold) and that's when I started making mega progress.

I get that feeling when I have to communicate w/ him (only via email).

There is no such thing as a simple conversation.

In 3 months, I am moving 5 states away, and pray that I can completely heal.

2 out of 3 children will invite him to their weddings one day, and I will have to be in the same building w/ him... .

So my goal is to be in complete forgiveness and peace before that happens!

[getting_better]

I do have five kids with her - well, four now.  My 19-year old son took his life last year right after a 2-hour rage from her in the middle of the night.  My two youngest boys live with me (15 & 18), and my older kids on their own.  We'll have to interact over the next 3 years regarding our minor son, so I guess I'll have to work though the high-conflict interactions.  I find the most peace at night just before bedtime in our little apartment when it's quiet, and the kids are asleep and there's just solitude.  Most mornings I wake up in anxiety and have to take a moment to remember where I am and where I'm heading and that the day will be mostly free from any interaction with her.  

I take more time to exercise by running / walking almost everywhere.  I can get around within a 3-4 mile radius to visit extended family, friends, grocery shopping, etc.  Really enjoying getting out of the house and into the beautiful weather almost every day.  That's been a BIG change for me.  

Thanks for sharing your experiences!  I'm definitely getting better and hanging on to hope that there's light at the end of this tunnel.

[maxen]

My 19-year old son took his life last year right after a 2-hour rage from her in the middle of the night.

i am so so sorry to hear that. my sincerest condolences to you. i can't even imagine. i hope you and your other children are doing as well as you can.

[enlighten me]

It goes away when you let go. Let go completely of it ever working out. Even when you split up, get divoexed and theyve moved on we can still hold on to that thread that things might sort themselves our.

Once you understand BPD and realise there is no hope things get easier.

Once you start living for you and your kids and dont even bring the ex into the equation it gets easier.

It takes time. It takes self forgiveness and it takes a reality check.

[getting_better]

It takes time. It takes self forgiveness and it takes a reality check.

Thanks, enlighten.  I agree with your assessment here.  It will take time, and it does take working on oneself. I'm in therapy and seeking support, and that's helping a lot!

[getting_better]

i hope you and your other children are doing as well as you can.

Thanks, maxen.  We're all in our own little protective bubbles right now.  :)ealing with the aftermath of suicide last year, and then the separation between my stbxw and me.  Everybody in the family just seems to be taking it day by day.  The good news - something very validating for me - is that we have more stability now.  We're off the every other day emotional roller coaster that was the norm for the 23 years we've been married.  The stability and relative peace we have in our lives right now tells me I'm on the right track.  

[getting_better]

My ex was a former trial lawyer and was representing himself, so I probably spent more time dealing with him in court than most people here.

Wow, lnl!  I can't imagine what that must have been like.  Thanks for sharing your story.  It helps.