Break up from the (potential) BPD point of view. Does she understand?

[JeyCee]

On my second appointment since break up, the therapist suggested my ex might have some degree of BPD. I went back home and found this chat we had two days before she went ice cold on me. I now realize I overlooked the meaning of these brutal words due to the intense pain I felt, and because of lack of knowledge of mental illnesses. What do you think and see? Here is my traduction from spanish of what she said. Does she really know what is going on?

Ex: "I can't love myself properly and that has always been my conflict. I am not complete, you complete me. And I should be able to support myself.

I feel I am nothing with out you, and that hurts because you are a lot with out me.

You saved me. And healed me.

I love you more than I love myself, every second, minute, hour that goes by, my life spins around yours. I don't understand if this can be sane.

This is why it killed me not to see compromise from your behalf from the very beginning. But then you made a great job opening your heart to me.

If I don't love myself it's hard to understand why somebody else would. I can't conceive this.

And this is why I have gone through several therapies.

And I thought everything was good but now I will lose the man of my life.

I thought I had gained security and self esteem but I always have relapses.

I don't know how I will live with this emptiness, insecurity and low self esteem. I really thought I had healed, but I am completely broken.

I do not want to drown you with me, yo do not know what this is like. I am terrified that you become my support. And that's what was starting to happen.

Then, any given day, for some reason we couldn't spend time together and I would take it personally, because I'm not enough, or something like that. And I always loved that about you, the security with which you did everything,

I would like to see it all from the outside so clear.

But this is just like an alcoholic or a drug addict, my issue with self esteem goes far beyond than what it seems. It moves my life, it brings it to a halt, it paralyzes me, it gives me strength.

For these personal issues, not because you were bad to me, I felt you never gave in to me completely. Why should you? You are very complete in that sense. You know who you are and what you're worth.

I am a thread of insecurity, always tumbling and looking for something to hold on to.

I need to be able to this on my own. With therapy or living abroad or whatever. It's not easy for me to talk about this.

I have re-encountered my issues once again. They were hidden under the rug. I want to forget and that is what I will do. I don't know with what strength but I will.

Bye JeyCee, owner of my full heart. I have to go and I don't want to pull you with me.

I miss our happy days.

You can't recognize me because one of my issues grew reflecting in you. And I got scared. You're a master in my life. You helped me believe in myself. This is why my book is dedicated to you.

My love, I will come back to you completely healed, but you probably won't be here anymore. I am going to f*ck this up, I know myself. You don't deserve this, you don't want to see my dark side, it's very very dark. And it is emerging on top of me like a cloud.

That darkness, those complexes, that insecurity, it kills me, it drains me, I thought I had them under control. And they pull me away from you, they turn me into a different person.

Forgive me, cowardness and weakness, but I won't allow myself to do this to you. I can not allow myself to hurt you after all the happiness you have given me. I will miss you greatly but this is what my heart tells me, I have to let you go and be happy without me.

Let's not make this harder, I am not good and it is like it is.

Something better will come your way than me.

I am only a facade."

[JRT]

Thanks for sharing this... .we don't see too much from the perspective of the pwBPD... .I can easily imagine mine saying something like this... .In my case, I will likely never know. Does her thoughts help you in any way?

[JeyCee]

Not really JRT. It's been a month from the b/u and I am feeling terribly confused and anxious at times. Where the hell did she go? Why wasnt I able to see anything of this coming my way? The shift of personality i saw in her was so quick, so dramatic that it has been really stunning for me.  

[Dunder]

JeyCee, I can see why your therapist thinks she may be Borderline. Nearly everything she says here fits, almost too perfectly, with that diagnosis.

By the way, your translation is excellent, but I'm wondering if you mean to say "commitment" instead of "compromise".  (I'm guessing you're translating "compromiso". But you know the context better, just wondering.

My Ex is from Mexico, and she always talked about writing a book about herself. Did your Ex also talk about writing a book?  Because she mentions dedicating her book to you, but maybe that was just in the poetic sense.  I'm really curious because that would be an interesting coincidence if it were the case.

In hindsight, it sounds to me like she was telegraphing her feelings of "engulfment", or in other words, her fear of losing herself in you, something that often drives Borderlines away from those that love them.

[JRT]

Jey

I can really relate and know the confusion and pain that you are experiencing. Mine left suddenly and devalued me overnight, I went away on a business trip and she broke up out of the clear blue via text 7 months ago. We never argued or fought - EVER. I was looking at my FB IM thread with her the other day and there was no sign of anything at all. I have not heard a word from her since except a warning from the cops when I tired to circumvent her blocks and try to contact her.

Some of them do it this way. Its painful and confusing; how can a person that we treated so well and gave so much love to do something like this? I had to go digging but the answer is right there in the question. The did this BECAUSE they loved us so much, if you can believe that. In effect, their emotions short circuited and like what happens when an appliance short circuits, sometimes parts of the appliance or the entire machine destroys itself.

We have very few cards that we can play at this point, unfortunately, except for no contact. We are now triggers and any attempt to contact them will likely serve to push them away instead of the opposite.

The one thing that you got that most of us do not get was an accounting of their emotions, as disordered as they are. Yours seem to be self-aware; she seems to know that there is a problem, or she somewhat knows. I believe that this is fortunate for her and, maybe, for your r/s with her. It means that she might be willing to deal with the problem... .but this is only speculation on my part.

Was that helpful at all?

[Blimblam]

That note shows a lot of lucidity and self awareness in that moment. In summary you have become a trigger for her.  You are a walking talkikg breathing monument of her shame.

[JeyCee]

JeyCee, I can see why your therapist thinks she may be Borderline. Nearly everything she says here fits, almost too perfectly, with that diagnosis.

By the way, your translation is excellent, but I'm wondering if you mean to say "commitment" instead of "compromise".  (I'm guessing you're translating "compromiso". But you know the context better, just wondering.

My Ex is from Mexico, and she always talked about writing a book about herself. Did your Ex also talk about writing a book?  Because she mentions dedicating her book to you, but maybe that was just in the poetic sense.  I'm really curious because that would be an interesting coincidence if it were the case.

In hindsight, it sounds to me like she was telegraphing her feelings of "engulfment", or in other words, her fear of losing herself in you, something that often drives Borderlines away from those that love them.

Yes Dunder, 'commitment' is what i meant to translate: compromiso. And the book she talks about is actually her thesis, which I will never get to see. Can you please tell me a little more about this 'engulfment' feeling you talk about. Thanks.

[JeyCee]

Thanks JRT for your words. I do not expect to get her back ever again in my life. At a concient level I know that I need her as far away of my life and my 7 year old son as possible (she had NOT ONE gesture of compassion towards my kid with whom in a way she shared 19 months of her life and who "she loved". Not the slightest will of giving him too a closure). So as to working out our r/s again thanks to some level of conciousness she might have regarding her condition, no, that is out of the question. She might resolve her issues on her own and lead a healthier life, that is her business. Right now I am clear that it is my own deep issues I must attend in order to heal and grow out of this. The pain I have encountered in this episode is something I didnt even think was possible. No previous loss in my life can even get close to the emptiness I have encountered. With this in mind (and soul) I know I cannot rebuild anything ever again with her.

As to the NC rule, I have stuck to it out of instinct for she told me smiling that I should not contact her in any means. But now I am doubting, because I am not sure about my real motivation to do this. Beyond following her NC verbal order, I think I am doing it in order to punish her, acting from anger, and this is not helping my need to emotionally detach from her. In the end, it's my own well being I have to serve, not hers. So I am debating myself whether as to send her a short mail saying:

"Hi, I just wanted to let you know and thank you for the way you broke up with me and the words/attitude you used, for you have granted me the biggest opportunity of my life to heal and walk towards conciousness. Dont bother to answer. JeyCee"

What do you think?

[JRT]

I was divorced 12 years ago and have a 15 year old daughter... .I worked very hard to meet someone that would not hurt my daughter... .I for a;ll of those years, I kept the women that I dated at arms length to protect my child until I was 'sure' that she was the right one... .I failed in this regard and brought in exactly the one that I worked so hard to avoid... .my daughter looked up to her and loved her just like I did... .when I broke the news to her regarding what my exBPD fiance had done and how she had done it, I heard a cry of REAL pain, DEEP pain that I had never heard from her before. The only thing worse than hearing that from her, innocent of any part of all of this but victimized nonetheless, was knowing that I had caused this pain by virtue of bringing her into our life. Like you, I feel that any future with me ex is a needless exposure to risk for my daughter and I and should be avoided at all costs.

My personal opinion is that you should write the letter... .but that you should not send it. It's therapeutic to write your thoughts and emotions down. But sending them to her is a waste of time and will work against any productive purpose. You are likely painted black... .the failure of the relationship is all your fault according to her and your letter will likely somehow be twisted to support her claims and further enrage her. Definitely write it... .be as angry and honest as your soul is... .but don't send it,

[patientandclear]

JC: that's an incredibly wrenching letter that may be illuminating for a lot of us who never got as much insight from our BPD SOs when things fell apart.

I'd urge you not to send a bitter message. Hers was not bitter or cavalier. Those were the words of someone who doesn't see a better choice. If you send something that is more angry or intended to score a point, I think you may come to regret it down the road.

My last message to my ex was justifiably critical and I still regret it. I see now that he did the best he could. It came at a huge cost to me and it's on me to ensure I'm not exposed to that again.  But I wish I'd waited to pass my judgment on the whole situation until I was in a better place. The bitterness is not the note I wanted to leave on.

[JeyCee]

Thanks Patientandcl for your kind advice. Yes, I do not intend to be bitter with my message to her. I intend to stop creating more tension for myself. I honestly feel grateful with her for granting me this extraordinary growth opportunity throughout this inmensly painful and to some point uncomprehensible experience.

In any case, those words were not the last I heard from her, in this previous post I describe what happened exactly 6 days later:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=275740.0

Any how, I dont think I will send the message following JRT's advice and your own.

[Dunder]

JeyCee, I can see why your therapist thinks she may be Borderline. Nearly everything she says here fits, almost too perfectly, with that diagnosis.

By the way, your translation is excellent, but I'm wondering if you mean to say "commitment" instead of "compromise".  (I'm guessing you're translating "compromiso". But you know the context better, just wondering.

My Ex is from Mexico, and she always talked about writing a book about herself. Did your Ex also talk about writing a book?  Because she mentions dedicating her book to you, but maybe that was just in the poetic sense.  I'm really curious because that would be an interesting coincidence if it were the case.

In hindsight, it sounds to me like she was telegraphing her feelings of "engulfment", or in other words, her fear of losing herself in you, something that often drives Borderlines away from those that love them.

Yes Dunder, 'commitment' is what i meant to translate: compromiso. And the book she talks about is actually her thesis, which I will never get to see. Can you please tell me a little more about this 'engulfment' feeling you talk about. Thanks.

Jey, "Engulfment" is one of those key terms that describe one of a variety of relationship dynamics. The idea goes that since people with BPD have an unstable self image, they start to feel very frightened when they become intimate with another person. Non-borderlines feel enriched when they are intimate with another, we feel enhanced, augmented by the relationship, but my understanding, and I'm not an expert by any means, is that this closeness with another person is terrifying. Inevitably they run away because they don't have the emotional ability to handle these feelings. The problem is that as soon as they have distance, they start to crave the very intimacy that they once had with their EX. This leads to what is known as "recycling" in which the Borderline will often return to the very partner that they abandoned and the cycle of distance-intimacy-engulfment-abandonment repeats itself.  You need to understand that both the wonderful times you spent with your EX and the pain she inflicted upon you are both products of her illness. You can't have one without the other. This is initially very difficult for Non-Borderlines to accept because our natural inclination is to accept the good parts and then "fix" things so that the bad part doesn't repeat itself, but the problem is that we as partners of these people cannot fix this cycle. The Borderlines themselves need to accept they have a mental illness and seek treatment. The nature of the illness almost always prevents them from accepting their illness and seeking treatment so eventually the Non-Borderline has to make a decision as to whether the pain is worth the enjoyment of being with that person. Just about every person on this message board will tell you that it's not worth it, but that the detachment process is also extremely difficult. You should consider yourself very fortunate to have found this support group. You are very fortunate that you had a therapist who identified her condition now. Many people here spent years unaware that their significant other had a serious mental illness. I know this probably doesn't help you feel much better, but at least you have a logical explanation for her illogical behavior. I feel your pain, I'm experiencing something very similar right now with the break up with my EX. It's very hard.

[dagwoodbowser]

Hola Jeycee. Yo soy un judio hispano. Bienvenido. Tu no estas el solo Hermano.

I have not been here long, about 45 days. In those 45 days I have stayed in total No Contact from my former BPDx.

I did 4 recycles for almost 3 years. The last one almost took my like at my own hands. I did my very best and each time I thought it was my fault so I ended up surrendering my boundaries more and more to appease her. All it did was make her respect me less and less. I truly wish to God I would have found this place after the first time she left me. It would have saved me soo much. Not only financially, but emotionally. Whatever you do, dont blame yourself brother. I do caution that she may come back, she may not but it will be on her time, not yours. If and when she does, you have to make very difficult decisions for yourself and your child. God bless