Anger and resentment toward my BPD spouse

[sunshine67]

   I'm having a lot of trouble keeping out the cycle of conflict with my spouse.  He is BPD and very committed to working on his treatment.  He is 50 yrs old and has a great job, a great therapist, and does DBT therapy.  We have been working on the problem for 4 years.  Just when I think things are getting better, he will pick a fight with me and not speak to me for a week.  It's getting worse.  The week-long episodes happen every 2 months.  I am so tired.  They happen at unexpected times when I would like to enjoy being a family--like on my birthday or when I have a special family outing planning.  I don't know how to hang in their.  I also end up saying something mean to him which only makes it worse.  I just want "normal" and I have trouble remembering that he has BPD sometimes because he can be so normal, loving , and caring.   Over the last 4-5 years I have become ill with many problems--some of them doctors can find no cause for.  I don't feel like myself who used to be happy and carefree.   I find myself counting the years until the kids finish school and I can get out of all this--but then again who would take care of him?  He earns alot of money and keeps the family going. As long as I hold it together, he will keep his job and appearances that everything is great--meanwhile, I am the one suffering greatly.  Anyone else experiencing something like this?  Thanks for listening! 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[vortex of confusion]

 

Hi sunshine!

You are not alone. Your story has been echoed by a lot of people on these boards. I have been with my spouse for almost 17 years and we have 4 kids together. An outsider that doesn't know either one of us would probably look at us and think that we are this great, wonderful family.

Like you, I tend to keep things together and support him because he does work and provides the bulk of the financial support.

How much have you read about BPD? I was reviewing the lessons (on the right side of the forum) and was reminded that the best thing that I can do for myself is create a network of support that is separate from my husband so that I have a place where I can seek support. It takes a lot of personal strength to be in a relationship with a pwBPD.

Do you have any specific questions or concerns? Do you have your own therapist?

[sunshine67]

Thank you for your response!  I think I finally realized after this last silent treatment and my health issues worsening that I needed to take better care of myself.  I decided to get back into my therapist (no openings until June) and I also found a NAMI support group for caregivers.  I went to the group the other night.  My husband asked where I was going so I realized maybe I should have made up another story, but I told him the truth.  He has been very upset ever since.  He says he doesn't know how he can feel romantic toward me anymore when I am attending a "caregiver" group because he is "insane" (his words).  He acknowledges his problems, but I can't dare acknowledge the problem or try to assert a life for myself, because he will give me more silent treatments and act like he is so hurt.  I have a good job with a few normal stable friends.  Unfortunately my best friends and family all live out of state, and I only see them every 2 years.  They don't really know how bad it is.  I've been reading some of the article here.  I wonder if I stick to my guns and keep going to the group and keep making normal friends without worrying about what he thinks, if he will eventually accept it and stop harrassing me?

[vortex of confusion]

Keep going to your meetings if at all possible.

Read up on boundaries. It is rather easy for them to trample all over your boundaries. I thought I had good boundaries until my husband learned how to nag, berate, badger, and basically push me to the point of saying, "I don't care. Do what you want." OR, I would go along with whatever just to stop the friggin' nagging, etc.

It takes time and patience and strength to figure out what you want your boundaries to be and how to enforce them.