I'M NEW: Think My Sister is a High-Functioning BPD

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi everyone!

I'm new and I'd like to introduce myself.  You can call me Naughty.

I feel like I've been to hell and haven't made it back yet.  My parents, who were in their early 90's, both died within 4 months of each other.  :)ad passed on October 1, 2014 and mom passed on Feb. 5, 2015.

Between September and Feb. 5, my sister and I made daily visits to various hospitals and skilled nursing facilities.  My dad got a pacemaker in early Sept. and then fell at home a few weeks later and broke his neck (died about 10 days later).  

Mom took an ambulance ride to the hospital in mid Sept. and got a diagnosis of Pulmonary Fibrosis.    Mom never came home. She went back and forth between hospitals and skilled nursing facilities.   Mom caught MRSA in one skilled nursing facility and another superbug called VRE in another.  The Influenza A she caught at the 2nd nursing facility, was the nail in the coffin, so to speak.  Between all the infectious diseases mom caught, she became septic 3 times (twice after severe urinary track infections and once from pneumonia).

So, we had two funerals to plan and are now arguing over estate matters.

My sister is the one who likely is a high-functioning BPD.  Fortunately, before last year, I hadn't had to deal with my sister more than a couple times a month on average.  I had reduced my interaction with my sister several years ago, due to the constant drama in her life.   My mom would frequently make comments about my sister being crabby or in a bad mood.

Having to talk to my sister daily became torture.  She was constantly crabby and sarcastic. She would get angry about silly things, become extremely argumentative and hang up the phone.  She would easily go into a rage.  She would fixate on who was right or wrong, who said something or didn't say something (small, petty things).  If I tried to steer the conversation to something else and say something wasn't worth arguing about, she would hang up the phone.

If I gave her an opinion on something, she would argue about it.  When I deferred to her to choose the first Skilled Nursing facility my mom was released to, she told me I didn't care about mom (a decision had to be made within a couple of hours, as the hospital released her unexpectedly)

I reached my limit with my sister approx. a month ago.  She went into a rage in my presence, called me names and proceeded to rant about everything she hates about me. She gave me a feeling that she wanted to hit me.   She seems to think that I talk down to her.  I think she has an inferiority complex.  

I've steered clear of my sister for the last month and we have interacted by email for some estate matters.

I started counseling a month ago.  After describing my situation with my sister, my therapist suggested I read the "Walking on Egg Shells" book.  I had already mentioned that I felt like I was always walking on egg shells with my sister, or that I  never knew if I would get Dr. Jeckel or Mr. Hyde.  I know my sister doesn't act badly around her church friends, just family.

Listening to the Egg Shell book on audio was enlightening.  My sister fits many of the examples.  Part of me is glad that I likely know what is wrong with my sister.  The other part of me feels like I've had a 3rd death in the family.  I'm learning that I can't fix her.   I think I'd rather not have her in my life.  I don't think I have the energy (or desire) to perfect the art of walking on egg shells.  Some hurtful things can't be unsaid and I can't bear to just go on again as if nothing ever happened and as if something isn't radically wrong with my sister.

Naughty

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hi everyone!

I'm new and I'd like to introduce myself.  You can call me Naughty.

I feel like I've been to hell and haven't made it back yet.  My parents, who were in their early 90's, both died within 4 months of each other.  :)ad passed on October 1, 2014 and mom passed on Feb. 5, 2015.

Between September and Feb. 5, my sister and I made daily visits to various hospitals and skilled nursing facilities.  My dad got a pacemaker in early Sept. and then fell at home a few weeks later and broke his neck (died about 10 days later).  

Mom took an ambulance ride to the hospital in mid Sept. and got a diagnosis of Pulmonary Fibrosis.    Mom never came home. She went back and forth between hospitals and skilled nursing facilities.   Mom caught MRSA in one skilled nursing facility and another superbug called VRE in another.  The Influenza A she caught at the 2nd nursing facility, was the nail in the coffin, so to speak.  Between all the infectious diseases mom caught, she became septic 3 times (twice after severe urinary track infections and once from pneumonia).

So, we had two funerals to plan and are now arguing over estate matters.

My sister is the one who likely is a high-functioning BPD.  Fortunately, before last year, I hadn't had to deal with my sister more than a couple times a month on average.  I had reduced my interaction with my sister several years ago, due to the constant drama in her life.   My mom would frequently make comments about my sister being crabby or in a bad mood.

Having to talk to my sister daily became torture.  She was constantly crabby and sarcastic. She would get angry about silly things, become extremely argumentative and hang up the phone.  She would easily go into a rage.  She would fixate on who was right or wrong, who said something or didn't say something (small, petty things).  If I tried to steer the conversation to something else and say something wasn't worth arguing about, she would hang up the phone.

If I gave her an opinion on something, she would argue about it.  When I deferred to her to choose the first Skilled Nursing facility my mom was released to, she told me I didn't care about mom (a decision had to be made within a couple of hours, as the hospital released her unexpectedly)

I reached my limit with my sister approx. a month ago.  She went into a rage in my presence, called me names and proceeded to rant about everything she hates about me. She gave me a feeling that she wanted to hit me.   She seems to think that I talk down to her.  I think she has an inferiority complex.  

I've steered clear of my sister for the last month and we have interacted by email for some estate matters.

I started counseling a month ago.  After describing my situation with my sister, my therapist suggested I read the "Walking on Egg Shells" book.  I had already mentioned that I felt like I was always walking on egg shells with my sister, or that I  never knew if I would get Dr. Jeckel or Mr. Hyde.  I know my sister doesn't act badly around her church friends, just family.

Listening to the Egg Shell book on audio was enlightening.  My sister fits many of the examples.  Part of me is glad that I likely know what is wrong with my sister.  The other part of me feels like I've had a 3rd death in the family.  I'm learning that I can't fix her.   I think I'd rather not have her in my life.  I don't think I have the energy (or desire) to perfect the art of walking on egg shells.  Some hurtful things can't be unsaid and I can't bear to just go on again as if nothing ever happened and as if something isn't radically wrong with my sister.

Naughty

[Suzn]

Hello 

Welcome! I'm so sorry for your loss and that you have been struggling with your sister.    I can see where this could feel like a third death in your family. It's very difficult when we have to deal with a disordered sibling lashing out.

It's good to hear you are working with a therapist with what you've been up against. This is one of the first steps to self care.

There are many members here who understand exactly what you're going through and are very supportive. It sounds like you've been doing well at giving yourself some space where your sister's lashing out is concerned. Her fears of abandonment are likely very triggered with the loss of your parents.

Do you have other family or friends nearby for support?

[Linda Maria]

Hi naughty!  So sorry to hear of what you're going through - there are a lot of similarities between our stories.  I also have a sister I believe to be high functioning uBPD.  Things got really bad after my Mum passed away 2 years ago, we are co-executors and joint (equal) beneficiaries of my mum's will and so I have had to deal with her for the last 2 years and she has made my life hell.  She did everything she could to prevent probate being granted, prevent properties being sold, she has made official complaints again solicitors, estate agents etc. all the while conducting a truly disturbing and hateful smear campaign against me to anyone who will listen.  I am through the worst of it, thanks to a good solicitor, and some great professional who have helped me through it, but it has been pretty terrible at times.  I won't post too much of my own story, as I have posted a lot already, but my only advice to you, to get through sorting out the estate it to keep everything purely business like, don't get pulled into any tit for tat, any justifying or explaining yourself, and just get through it.  Use  a solicitor if you have to - for me it was worth the expense to have less direct communication with her, as the communications were so vile.  In the end, with my uBPDsis I had to start court proceedings, else we would have lost the sales on the properties, and she would not move out of my Mum's house, (although she has her own house), she has also done all sorts of illegal and stupid things - while accusing me of the same etc. etc.  I don't want to scare you - maybe your situation is less complex legally, but I felt I just had to get it sorted in the end, or have the nightmare in my life for ever.  keep posting, and I wish you well.  I can truly empathise believe me.   Best wishes.

[Naughty Nibbler]

SUZN:

Thanks for the warm welcome!  

I don't have any family for support and I fear that the quickest way to get rid of a friend is to be too needy and use them as a constant sounding board.

Unfortunately, I was laid off from my job of 35 years 2 years ago, so I've been forced into an early retirement.  I worked for a large corporation and daily interaction with workmates made up most of my social interactions.  I need to reach out and make new friends and may try some volunteer work once the dust settles with my parent's estate.

Over the last 6 months, I've vented a lot about my sister with a prior coworker.  There came a point when I had to recognize that I couldn't keep using her as a sounding board, hence the professional therapist and joining this board.  I'd probably tire of phone calls from a friend who seemed to always need to vent about her sister, so I've been evolving to make our phone conversations and emails with my work friend mostly about more light hearted topics.  

I don't really have anyone else in the family to reach out to about my sister.  I've chatted briefly with an older cousin, but I've gotten vibes from her that she doesn't want to discuss issues about my sister  (beyond brief mention).  My cousin's sister (my other cousin) passed approx. 5 years ago.  Interestingly, my surviving cousin became estranged from her sister after their dad passed, due to estate disagreements.

LINDA MARIA:

Thanks so much for responding! So sorry to hear about your estate issues and your sister's actions and behavior. I hope that all the legal matters conclude shortly and you get some degree of relief.  

I've quickly learned that  when we are forced into extremely stressful situations, such as estate matters, our dysfunctional family member can turn into a monster.  I always known that my sister is irritable with family, but I could usually walk away from it.   There wasn't anything important that we had to agree on and I could minimize interacting with her.

I just can't understand how she can spend so much time studying the Bible and then act the way she does.   It appears as if she can maintain good behavior with friends, but saves her rages and temper tantrums for family.  

[Panda39]

Hi Naughty,

I'm here because my SO has an uBPDxw.  I wanted to point out that fear of abandonment is a central feature of BPD.  The death (the ultimate abandonment) of your parents may be triggering. an escalation in your sister's bad behavior.

My SO's ex took a real turn for the worse in how functional she was when her mother died.

[Shankz]

Hi Naughty,

I'm here because my SO has an uBPDxw.  I wanted to point out that fear of abandonment is a central feature of BPD.  The death (the ultimate abandonment) of your parents may be triggering. an escalation in your sister's bad behavior.

My SO's ex took a real turn for the worse in how functional she was when her mother died.

i like what you said.

[Linda Maria]

Hi all.  Just wanted to echo Panda's comments.  My uBPDsis behaviour has been getting steadily worse since my Dad died 20 years ago.  There has been an endless series of dramas, attention seeking, stories that just don't make sense etc.  After my Mum died 2 years ago, it wasn't a total surprise that she became so awful.  But I am the only family she has left now, and I thought she thought more of my two children - so I have been surprised by the smear campaign - it is unbelievably vile, and still going on, though to a lesser degree. This is the paradox about BPD - they have this fear of abandonment, but she has basically trashed our relationship, and made it impossible to have a relationship with me and my kids  at a time when I would have thought we all needed each other the most?   NAUGHTY - I can really empathise with your situation, and you have done the right thing in finding a therapist to help you through this.  It's only now, 2 years after my own horror story really started, that I am feeling a bit more normal, and it is not dominating my life any more.  I fortunately have a very good friend who has allowed me to vent ad nauseum, (I have done the same for her in the past!) and that has saved me to a large extent.  I also found posting on this board massively helpful.  So I do wish you well, and hope the therapist is helpful.  Best wishes. 

[Naughty Nibbler]

Panda39, Shankz and Linda Marie:

Thanks for your collective input!

I'm sure the death of my parents has impact on my sister's behavior.  I do believe that having minimal contact with her, before the deterioration of my parent's health , made a huge difference.  We didn't have to discuss complicated matters and make frequent decisions together.  Perhaps after estate matters are concluded, I can try to go back to the way we were.  I know I can't fix her, but I may be able to tolerate her if we don't have to work on any stressful matters.  

Linda Marie:

I do find that posting is helpful.  Writing my thoughts down is benificial, but posting it seems to make it doubly beneficial.