Why is marriage counseling bad fora BPD relationship?

[Thread]

So my husband with BPD finally got into therapy. I have jumped in on two sessions during his first month. I started to realize I don't think this therapist has worked or has experience with BPD. I did recently ask during a BPD episode from my husband directly after therapy. So, I emailed the therapist and straight out asked if he had the training or understanding. I have good sources now for therapist who deal with this disorder at a local DBT institute.

However, the therapist did not directly answer me yes or no - leaving me to believe he has not. So the therapist said he decided it would be more beneficial to do therapy with both of us. Two of my therapists prior have stated that my BPD needs his own therapy without me.

Does anyone know why marriage therapy doesn't work and why the BPD needs to be in therapy alone? I've been reading solo therapy is more beneficial but I'd like to be better educated on the topic.

[Michelle27]

I can only go on my own experience with marriage counseling with my uBPDh.  There was a particularly bad period of time in which he expressed interest in doing marriage counseling.  Asked me to set it up for us.  I now know that he wasn't sincere as he went onto sabotage (and yes, he admits this now) it all.  Each session was a nightmare with his accusations, disinterest and after a few sessions, he'd say he hated that counselor and wanted me to find another one.  In all, we saw 3 different ones plus we attended a 2 day couple's communication course, which he also totally sabotaged by making crass beer drinking jokes throughout and even had to be removed from role play conversations with me because he wasn't able (willing?) to follow the directions. 

Of course, that all said, in our case, I have since learned that he was carrying on a year long affair during that time.  It's my understanding that it's difficult for pwBPD to be successful with marriage counseling in part because they are not able to deal with their own emotions within themselves, so how can they be receptive to hearing about our emotions?  My H and I are currently in a therapeutic separation and he is pursuing getting therapy and is doing some things, including CBT, asking for a referral to a psychiatrist and is set to be evaluated by our local mental health organization in hopes of getting into DBT. He is also about to begin anger management classes.  But, I don't believe he is yet able to fully participate in marriage counseling so I have asked him to wait for awhile for that.

[vortex of confusion]

My experience is that I will NOT do marriage counseling with my husband. I know his tendencies. He can act very remorseful and wonderful. I have fallen for his "act" for years. He will say all of the right things but when it comes time to actually change, nothing really changes. I used to think that he and I were really good at communicating. We weren't good at communicating. He was good at telling me what he thought I wanted to hear. He was very, very convincing too.

We have some friends that he has told about his addiction. He will post stuff about it and act like he is trying so hard. I look at it all and thing, "Okay, whatever floats your boat." I don't see anything being any different in a counseling session. Really, I can see him working really hard to impress the counselor and then I walk away looking like the jerk.

[shatterd]

hi vortex, i thought marrige counsling was the best thing for us. only becouse i know her tendencies of denial and her compulsive lies, she would often go alone to have 'girl time'. Yup i was feriouse, i fully feel the minupulation of these types, 

[shatterd]

sorry, point being i could have ben wrong about couples counsling, i just had not trust for her left and i felt or i wanted to see first hand if she was for real about it, my standard i held for her this time when she cam knocking.

[vortex of confusion]

sorry, point being i could have ben wrong about couples counsling, i just had not trust for her left and i felt or i wanted to see first hand if she was for real about it, my standard i held for her this time when she cam knocking.

Only you know your partner. Ever person with BPD or BPD traits is slightly different. I do not see counseling as something that would be helpful for us because of his tendencies. He needs to have one on one stuff with his own counselor. If I am there, it would be way too easy to deflect or want me to speak for him. He has some really weird tendencies that are difficult to describe and I think they would confuse things.

After his first session with his therapist, I felt very validated because he came home and said that his therapist told him that he was going to have to check in for her to help him. For years, I had been telling him that I felt like the lights were on but nobody was home and that there was a huge disconnection. She pointed out that he didn't look her in the eye and that he was not emotionally present for the session. If I had been there, I doubt that it would have been as obvious.

[shatterd]

I understand that, i didnt want to go to it, i felt i had too to keep in check and not run away, after all its my hart and my kidses hart aswell not just hers. Ya i wood interupt alot when i saw her slipping away and trying to blame me instead of owning up. it was very difficult, im happy to hear that its goin bettr for you than me.

[Sunfl0wer]

My ex would never do therapy solo.  So the only way to get him to go was he thought he was "doing it for me." He is more NPD vs BPD.  There were good and bad things.

The bad:

--He rarely admitted his behavior, rarely looked at himself(after all, in his mind, he was there for me and MY issues)

--He often got paranoid what T thought (I had to reassure him that he was in good standing with the T and T was also placing responsibility on me too) (this may have occurred less if it were solo)

--He would hear things in T that were supposed to be things for HIM to work on, but he would project them onto me and accuse me of not doing what T wanted HIM T do.  (If T told him to spend more time with my S, then he would count time spent with his D and reprimand me... .even tho I did more than him for either of them that week)

--He got nervous about me bringing up problems. (He thought of it as me tattling even if I did it very objectively and balanced) This caused him to intentionally pick fights... .just so he could run in with ammo to tattle on me and deflect.

--He often sat there non focused assuming that what was said didn't apply to him, and he left not remembering much of it.

I guess to sum it up, therapy could end up just becoming another avenue for him to compete with me... .so sometimes T amplified tensions, especially as he was unable to hear certain things. (I want a partnership, I continued to try to work WITH him in and out of the sessions, however, his concept of r/s=competition was always there)

Ok, well there were some positives... .but now I'm tired and exhausted myself!   

Ok, I'll throw out one positive... .

Sometimes he was on his very very best behavior because he wanted so much for me to say to the T that we had a good wk and he was lovely.  Extrinsic motivation like this will only take a couple so far.  (Far enough to feed his narcissism)