I initiated contact

[valet]

And it feels pretty good. I feel very far along in my healing, and very detached from her and the breakup. I think that I can hold up my end of a friendship, and I am prepared to cut my losses and uphold my newly re-constructed boundaries if I have to.

So, I just asked her to get a coffee this week and catch up.

She has not been cruel as far as I know. I broke off contact because it was too hard. But now, it just doesn't feel hard anymore.

So, let's see what she says. Either way, I am fine with the outcome.

[Bensonshays]

And it feels pretty good. I feel very far along in my healing, and very detached from her and the breakup. I think that I can hold up my end of a friendship, and I am prepared to cut my losses and uphold my newly re-constructed boundaries if I have to.

So, I just asked her to get a coffee this week and catch up.

She has not been cruel as far as I know. I broke off contact because it was too hard. But now, it just doesn't feel hard anymore.

So, let's see what she says. Either way, I am fine with the outcome.

How long has it been since you last spoke with her?

[valet]

And it feels pretty good. I feel very far along in my healing, and very detached from her and the breakup. I think that I can hold up my end of a friendship, and I am prepared to cut my losses and uphold my newly re-constructed boundaries if I have to.

So, I just asked her to get a coffee this week and catch up.

She has not been cruel as far as I know. I broke off contact because it was too hard. But now, it just doesn't feel hard anymore.

So, let's see what she says. Either way, I am fine with the outcome.

How long has it been since you last spoke with her?

We've had very infrequent contact that I have always initiated for about 2 months (contact to assert my boundaries, as well as to clear the air on why I was vague about NC in the first place), although I have been essentially NC.

She sent me a decent size birthday message about 10 days ago that I responded to kindly, but no major contact at all since the end of February.

[joc1970]

I know if I contact her, I will fall into her traps again

[valet]

I know if I contact her, I will fall into her traps again

Which traps? Do you think that she is consciously conspiring to hurt you, and how would you feel if she was or wasn't?

[Infared]

I know... .in the attempts that mine has made to contact me, that it has NOTHING to do with me or missing me. It has all to do with her. She lives with new hero... .but the ONLY reason that she would make an attempt to contact me, is to find out if I still want her. Nothing more.  I alway thwart ALL advances.  I just cannot play.  I think it will always hurt.

Sick stuff.

[zundertowz]

I know... .in the attempts that mine has made to contact me, that it has NOTHING to do with me or missing me. It has all to do with her. She lives with new hero... .but the ONLY reason that she would make an attempt to contact me, is to find out if I still want her. Nothing more.  I alway thwart ALL advances.  I just cannot play.  I think it will always hurt.

Sick stuff.

Im done with the sick games and would never want any part of my ex... .the one thing I do struggle with alot is the lack of closure... .if she ever did get through the walls I built around myself I wonder if I would try and have one productive conversation for my own healing and then run.

[Skip]

Contact after the breakup can help with closure and it can help dissipate bitterness.

This only works if you have truly detached and aren't looking to pick up unfinished business and can redirect her from dealing with unfinished business. That exercise alone (letting go of unfinished business) is a challenge and a growth. The first time we attempted to reconnect, I wanted to deal with unfinished business and that went no where fast and I backed off and retreated to go back at it another day.

This isn't going to work for everyone or every situation.  Sometimes the damage runs too deep.

[valet]

Contact after the breakup can help with closure and it can help dissipate bitterness.

This only works if you have truly detached and aren't looking to pick up unfinished business and can redirect her from dealing with unfinished business. That exercise alone (letting go of unfinished business) is a challenge and a growth. The first time we attempted to reconnect, I wanted to deal with unfinished business and that went no where fast and I backed off and retreated to go back at it another day.

This isn't going to work for everyone or every situation.  Sometimes the damage runs too deep.

Interesting point, Skip.

In the past couple of days, I have been thinking of canceling a physical meet up.

My argument for not doing so is strange, as I've recently developed a theory surrounding how I attached to her, or rather, not her at all, but her social media presence. Her physical presence for me has never triggered anxiety. It has never made me feel sad, or angry, or anything but normal, or myself, post-breakup.

I feel that it would not bother me to see her in person, whatsoever, but the other day I did a little test run by looking at her social media accounts and they drove me into this obsessive state: questions of wondering who she was with now being at the forefront. I was highly paranoid in the last 6 months of our relationship that she was cheating on me. This is unimportant to me now, and I couldn't care any less whether she did or not. I would be ready to forgive her fully if she suddenly revealed something like that to me.

The problem is, I still have lingering anxious tendencies, and seeing her social media will trigger extreme panic and anxiety. I have gone completely NC online with her to the best of my abilities, because I know that it is damaging to me.

I feel that I attached to her in two ways: 1.) her physical being, and 2.) the image of herself that she projected onto the internet. The result of this thought being that as long as I avoid her on the web and complete my healing there, it really wouldn't be a bother for me to hang out with her, and I kind of want to. I am over the relationship itself, I feel, and would absolutely not engage in anything other than friendship with her.

Any advice/opinions regarding my ideas here? Am I willingly walking into a minefield, or could my theory be valid?

[patientandclear]

Contact after the breakup can help with closure and it can help dissipate bitterness.

This only works if you have truly detached and aren't looking to pick up unfinished business and can redirect her from dealing with unfinished business. That exercise alone (letting go of unfinished business) is a challenge and a growth. The first time we attempted to reconnect, I wanted to deal with unfinished business and that went no where fast and I backed off and retreated to go back at it another day.

This isn't going to work for everyone or every situation.  Sometimes the damage runs too deep.

Interesting point, Skip.

In the past couple of days, I have been thinking of canceling a physical meet up.

My argument for not doing so is strange, as I've recently developed a theory surrounding how I attached to her, or rather, not her at all, but her social media presence. Her physical presence for me has never triggered anxiety. It has never made me feel sad, or angry, or anything but normal, or myself, post-breakup.

I feel that it would not bother me to see her in person, whatsoever, but the other day I did a little test run by looking at her social media accounts and they drove me into this obsessive state: questions of wondering who she was with now being at the forefront. I was highly paranoid in the last 6 months of our relationship that she was cheating on me. This is unimportant to me now, and I couldn't care any less whether she did or not. I would be ready to forgive her fully if she suddenly revealed something like that to me.

The problem is, I still have lingering anxious tendencies, and seeing her social media will trigger extreme panic and anxiety. I have gone completely NC online with her to the best of my abilities, because I know that it is damaging to me.

I feel that I attached to her in two ways: 1.) her physical being, and 2.) the image of herself that she projected onto the internet. The result of this thought being that as long as I avoid her on the web and complete my healing there, it really wouldn't be a bother for me to hang out with her, and I kind of want to. I am over the relationship itself, I feel, and would absolutely not engage in anything other than friendship with her.

Any advice/opinions regarding my ideas here? Am I willingly walking into a minefield, or could my theory be valid?

I did something like this.  I spent 15 months developing a deep and wonderful friendship with my ex. The problem is that it was deeply romantic on both of our parts -- but he needed not to acknowledge that.  The result is that I gave him essentially what I would give a romantic partner, and he felt fine about leaving me in various ways, including to pursue a love affair with someone else.

I didn't foresee any of that.  I came back for friendship only, like you feel right now.  But I wasn't prepared for HIM to engage at at deeper level.  When he did, I thought it meant something that, in the end, it did not (I think we are very important to one another, and that there is love there.  But it didn't mean he was capable of taking care of that love).

The better it got, the more the whole arrangement ended up being a continuing opportunity for him to reject me and stuff our r/s into a small box.  I think that's what he got out of it, to be honest.  I was a contained non-threatening intimacy.  Perfect for someone with BPD.  He'd have liked to continue it for a lifetime.  It would have been very damaging to me to do that.

Your path forward with her may differ.  I just want to flag that the whole "enforce boundaries" prescription is very complicated and hard to apply when the other person is expressing his or her deep connection to you and in normal life, that would mean a commitment that is not likely to come from someone with BPD.

[valet]

The better it got, the more the whole arrangement ended up being a continuing opportunity for him to reject me and stuff our r/s into a small box.  I think that's what he got out of it, to be honest.  I was a contained non-threatening intimacy.  Perfect for someone with BPD.  He'd have liked to continue it for a lifetime.  It would have been very damaging to me to do that.

Your path forward with her may differ.  I just want to flag that the whole "enforce boundaries" prescription is very complicated and hard to apply when the other person is expressing his or her deep connection to you and in normal life, that would mean a commitment that is not likely to come from someone with BPD.

The bolded parts speak to me here, and I definitely have to offer you a big thanks for your advice.

In what ways do you think that it would have been damaging to you?

I take it that you were over the idea of a romantic relationship, but how did terminating the friendship end up affecting you?

[patientandclear]

I'm incredibly sad about terminating the friendship (or I wouldn't still be coming to BPDF ).

And actually, I didn't terminate the friendship. I've spent the last 17 months enforcing those damn boundaries. The end result is that we are no longer in touch. He wanted me closer than close while he explored a passionate r/s with another woman. If you just looked at our communication, you'd think I was his partner. It was very sweet, constant, intimate. He did not reveal his other r/s to me ... .I sensed it, and confirmed it with a minimum of follow up on obvious online clues.

I felt like he was cheating on me with his unacknowledged gf :/ I reacted by pulling away a bit, and eventually, when he asked me to do a girl-friend-y thing with him, I told him I'd need to be less close if he wanted to go on putting other people in my "place" in his life. It was too painful to give him what I gave him and then have him pursue someone else. He reacted poorly. Cut me off indefinitely. To me, that meant we were done. A few months later (after his r/ship crashed and burned) he reached out again with some big but ambiguous gestures. I asked if anything had changed and said I didn't want to resume if they had not. The break he has afforded me by cutting me off had given me a crucial respite from the feeling of constant rejection I had been enduring while he was being so close with me and seeing someone else. I wouldn't have made the choice to end it completely myself (was just suggesting we step back) but once he did, I knew it was better that way.

Eventually we talked. For the first time I explicitly rejected the "friends" framework which had been so confusing giving the intimate access he wanted to have to me. He was pretty honest about how he can't or has no intention of acknowledging a "more than friends" framework. He feels it will inevitably blow up, we'll lose so much etc. Also, he still hopes to find a perfect woman who will not trigger these reactions (what he hoped he had found in me at the outset). So instead, we are losing it now. It feels stupid and wasteful but I don't see a choice.  I won't do "friends" and he won't engage with me otherwise, without that limit.

To be clear, I had given up on a romantic r/s when I got back in touch as friends. I was sincere. I just wasn't prepared for him to engage me like I was so important again ... .But without any rules or commitment, it ended up being an emotional strip mining arrangement. He could take anything he wanted and he made no commitment to stay with me at any level. I am not that zen and besides, zen or not, I think that dynamic is unfair and unhealthy.

If I were in your place and knew what I know now, I would be much more careful not to let myself reason that since the friendship is intimate and good, it means more. Because to me, those feelings and experiences do necessarily mean more. But he could only have them with someone he could limit and box in, to prevent it from being threatening I think.

[valet]

This may be a bit personal, but did the second friendship become physical, or was it purely an emotional thing?

I believe that I am at the point where I know that a relationship of that nature would never be possible for myself and my ex. Are you suggesting that my boundaries could be busted in an strictly emotional relationship, even after having come to that conclusion? This is very well assuming that I do not let a friendship become physical, of course.