Another day in paradise

[flowerpath]

The very day I write on here that the criticism/dysregulation has decreased because of enforcing boundaries when it occurs, is the very day it happens again.  I heard him upstairs, talking loudly to someone on the phone, so I thought I was prepared for anything when he came downstairs. 

He asked me a question about a car repair (nothing to do with his phone conversation), and when I started answering, he interrupted me and yelled, "What's the next thing?"  When I started answering that, he interrupted me again and yelled at me about talking too slowly as if I thought he was an idiot.  I said was just trying to answer his question.    He said, “No you’re not!” He slammed his hand down on the table, threw his body around, and says, “I am so p*$$ed off!”

I was talking calmly because I knew he was upset and I was trying to be calm myself.  In retrospect I see that the way I responded to that was the D of JADE.  I was already wary because he was mad, and honestly, wanting to get the heck out of Dodge overrode any thoughts about sympathy and empathy. 

Maybe I should have tried to try to find out why he was so mad, but I left the room because of the way he was taking his anger out on me.  I've lived with it for so long I just don't want to hang around to see it anymore.  He yelled at me, “F*#kin’ run, coward!”

An hour later, I’m still shaken.  I found out from our son that something about the phone conversation was invalidating.  I really feel for all of us who live with this. 

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[maryy16]

This is so familiar to me. My BPDH many times has yelled at me to speak faster or "get to the point". He has no patience for anything when he's dysregulating. . Also, most time when this happens and he's asking me a question, I'm not really sure what he's asking me because he's either not clear as to what he's talking about or springs a question on me that I'm not ready for.If I ask him to elaborate, then I'm an "idiot" or a "moron who can't understand anything" because he's asking me a " simple question."

Unfortunately, after 30+ years of living with this behavior, I have found that in those situations it makes ABSOLUTELY no difference how I respond. If I remain calm, he gets mad. If I get angry, he gets mad. At that point, he's so irritated that he's past the point of no return and he can't bring himself back without a fight.

How I handle these situations now is to answer his question the best I can and if he starts in with the name calling, I just stop trying to answer the question. He'll still be mad and all, but at least I stop giving him ammunition, so to speak.

What I find interesting about this situation, in particular, is that if the situation is reversed, and he doesn't understand a question I'm asking him, he dysregulates also and we end up in the same situation. I am then "a moron who can't express myself." What isn't he the "moron who can't understand?" BPD has so many double standards!

[flowerpath]

It's like living in the twilight zone.  When he asks me an out-of-context question using nonspecific words like this, that, those, it, thing... .I have no earthly idea what he's talking about and just as in your situation, he gets angry.

He's so unpleasant and foul-mouthed when he acts like this, it's hard for me to feel sympathy. 

I am really concerned for our younger son.  This behavior is bothering him too and he basically would like to get away from here.  In a couple of months, our older son plans to move into an apartment close to work, so that will leave our younger son here with us by himself... .with all of this... . 

[maryy16]

It's hard for me to have sympathy also. Since my H is in therapy and on medication, I have to actively keep telling myself that he's doing everything he can and that this disorder is so overpowering. It's tough.

We have three grown kids. When H starts acting up, oldest son stands up for himself then leaves. Middle son stays quiet and doesn't aggregate the situation. Youngest daughter fights back. They all handle it differently. It's hard on the kids, there's no doubt about that.

But... .I have to say, despite all the years of H's behavior, our kids  have turned out  pretty good. All are college grads, all have jobs, etc., so I'm sure your youngest will pull through.

[letmeout]

I was just visiting my eldest son tonight.  He married a female version of his father; now 3 kids later he is at the point that he can't take it anymore, but he says he can't leave the kids with their momster.

I told him if he has to leave to save his sanity, he could take them with him. Then he reminded me that I stayed with his BPD father instead of getting him and his brother out of there when they were young. Point taken.   

[flowerpath]

I've been concerned about them unknowingly getting into a relationship with someone who has BPD.  I don't think I could keep silent if I were to see yellow, orange, or red flags.

I explain things to them – where the behavior is coming from, how they don't need to take it personally, boundaries, etc. - the best that I can without making my h look bad. 

Well, ha, when he's on a roll, he comes across in a bad way all on his own.  I don't think anything I say could top it.       

[jc2]

I can really identify with what happened flowerpath.  I think that there is a dilemma about staying in the interaction in order to be able to validate or at least not simply go off knowing that they are likely to be angry.  BUT I think it is true that when I am in the situation I try to not be in it emotionally but that makes me worried I have become an automaton.

I used to get really upset when my partner lashed out and sometimes even that was wrong and I used to get mocked for crying.

Now I try to have nothing to say.  I am sorry this is probably not helpful at all but just to say I know something of how you feel.