The memories

[confusedinWI]

I hate when something triggers the good memories because they seem to flood in. The gates open and I'm awash with the things that kept me with her. My eyes pour tears from my soul, my heart wrenches knowing I won't share that again with her. It takes everything I can to stop from curling up in a ball. How can one person affect me so? This one person almost made me put other people second and I hate to admit that.

I was in the anger state a few hours ago and to be honest it felt good because then I could see the relationship for what it was. Extremely toxic. I opened up my mind, heart and soul to this woman. I waited three months before I introduced my children to her. I constantly spoke with my children to make sure how they felt. What hurts is not that she fooled me into loving her but that she fooled my children as well. She discarded the love of three people that always wanted to give her the benefit of doubt, that loved her as part of our family. She said she loved my kids and was starting to look at them as hers as well.

I'm lying in bed after spending the weekend with my kids, they are back with their mother. I'm so lonely. I cuddle with a pillow because I got so used to cuddling with her. I dread this time of night because sleep is elusive. I also get afraid of the dreams. Two nights ago I dreamt she begged forgiveness from my children and I and all was right. This same angel that used to tuck the kids into bed at night with me. The sane person that kissed them goodnight and told them I love you. Now this person is out of my life and now she starts the cycle all over.

I wish I didn't love the way I did. I wish the four of U.S. didn't have traditions that my children still ask about. I'm afraid ill not experience that connection again. Even after my divorce I still believed in love. Now I believe the only way to protect myself and my children is to never put myself out there again

[shatterd]

you were divorced then had a bad relationship with a BPD?

[confusedinWI]

Yes I was with ex wife eleven years married nine, two children from the marriage.

Relationship with BPDexgf was two years of which we lived together for seven months.

Both my loves of my adult life failed... .I give up!

[shatterd]

ben there man  im doin it now  its hard place to be for us. 10 yers on first marrige 2 kids    8 years 3 kids on this one anyone wood throw in the towel.  but we cant   we have to fix us focus on us and thats that, how to do this welll i started counsling for myself 2 weeks ago  and i came here to ramble out anger and to cope, talking here helps  ive ben prty open here crossd some boundries im sure, but sink or swim man  we will get threw it. im guna take a break with gurls for awile, get my self strait again and let them come to me this time.

[Mister Brightside]

confusedinWI, I can't speak for your marriage (don't know much about it), but you didn't fail at this BPD relationship. Nobody on God's green earth would have made it work with that woman. So don't beat yourself up about failing. You seem like a kind soul (most who are in BPD relationships are that way, otherwise they wouldn't be targeted), and she was good to you in the beginning. They are very deceptive in the idealization stage, and because of that, we do not see the destruction on the horizon. You are not at fault here.

I don't think you should give up on women. Less than 5% of the population has BPD, so it's unlikely you'll have to deal with this again, especially if you spot the warning signs next time, now that you have experience with one. You can get rid of her before you get attached. The main warning sign to watch out for is a woman who needs your attention 24/7 and makes all sorts of plans for your futures before she even knows you.

In the mean time, your heart needs to heal, and you need to find yourself again to take care of this empty feeling. This emotional vampire broke your spirit and took a part of you with her, so you need to find that again so you don't feel empty. We're here for you while you go through that process!