if you are hurting read this. Hope will come.

[SWLSR]

I am writing this to give hope to those who are hurting here.  Many on this site have been recently hurt by a BPD ex and there world is so upside down.  If this is you I was once in your place.  I am four years out of my marriage.  I have said it was for 13 years and 15 years depending on thread.  The marriage lasted on paper for 15 years the separation happened at 13.  It took two years to get the marriage to end.  During that time I went through the worst emotional pain imaginable there were nights I just hoped I would die in my sleep.  If you feel this way don't give up hope.  I got through it and I didnt believe I could. 

First of all this will take time months if not years to recover, You will learn to accept it is not your fault.  You will understand that some parts of this are never going to make sense.  You will begin to draw healthy boundaries.  To see this does not happen again.  You will never fully recover there will always be an emotional pain to this but you will manage the pain and still be a very productive person.  But most importantly you will meet others who are going through this and you help them because they need it just like you need it right now.  If there is one thing I want to say is don't try to do this by yourself because you are not a demigod if you were this would not have happened to you, and its too much to try to do alone.  Get help therapy, church and prayer, support group, any where you can because you need it. 

No contact is a best thing if you are able to use it.  I can not we have children.  But I use extremely limited contact and if I did not have children with her she would be so no contact forever. 

Its ok to date again but you may go through a few attempts and you may hurt people you never meant to hurt.  But yes one day the right one will come along.

This is a great site I have been off it for awhile but I have come back to help those who are in that dark place I once was in.   

[Irish Pride]

I am writing this to give hope to those who are hurting here.  Many on this site have been recently hurt by a BPD ex and there world is so upside down.  If this is you I was once in your place.  I am four years out of my marriage.  I have said it was for 13 years and 15 years depending on thread.  The marriage lasted on paper for 15 years the separation happened at 13.  It took two years to get the marriage to end.  During that time I went through the worst emotional pain imaginable there were nights I just hoped I would die in my sleep.  If you feel this way don't give up hope.  I got through it and I didnt believe I could. 

First of all this will take time months if not years to recover, You will learn to accept it is not your fault.  You will understand that some parts of this are never going to make sense.  You will begin to draw healthy boundaries.  To see this does not happen again.  You will never fully recover there will always be an emotional pain to this but you will manage the pain and still be a very productive person.  But most importantly you will meet others who are going through this and you help them because they need it just like you need it right now.  If there is one thing I want to say is don't try to do this by yourself because you are not a demigod if you were this would not have happened to you, and its too much to try to do alone.  Get help therapy, church and prayer, support group, any where you can because you need it. 

No contact is a best thing if you are able to use it.  I can not we have children.  But I use extremely limited contact and if I did not have children with her she would be so no contact forever. 

Its ok to date again but you may go through a few attempts and you may hurt people you never meant to hurt.  But yes one day the right one will come along.

This is a great site I have been off it for awhile but I have come back to help those who are in that dark place I once was in.   

Great post. Thank you for sharing!

[SWLSR]

You are welcome I hope you are ok in your recovery

[DyingLove]

Fantastic Post SWLSR.   The part about some of the hurt remaining isn't exactly what anyone wants to hear, but you told it like it is.  I just want that magic "shot" that will erase it all.  But then again I don't.  Must have been tough for you with so many years of marriage.  My situation was only 4 years or so, but it seems like forever.

What happens to the love we have for them... .or possibly the love we think we have for them... .please elaborate on stuff.  Think back on the things you would have wanted to know when you were earlier in the detachment stage.

Thanks again.   

[SWLSR]

It took me along time to stop loving her even when she was putting me through abuse some would call inhumane.  I did love her i truly did.  I dont anymore but i dont hate her either.  i just try to go through my day as if she does not exist.  I try to keep my children out of the drama.  I tell them i did love there mother and i still love them

[Restored2]

Hi SWLSR.  Thank you so much for sharing on a positive note of hope with giving back and shedding some light into the darkness.  It is a great site indeed!

Many of us can relate to thinking that we won't get through it.  I do not believe that we "will never fully recover" though, as full healing is more than possible.  Solid advice you give, encouraging no one to try to journey this alone.  Therapy, church, prayer and support groups are vital in the healing process. 

 

[SWLSR]

restored

If there is one thing I have learned through this process is that beliefs do change.  When I say that full recovery is not possible it is something I truly believe at this time.  The same way a bad leg injury can still hurt years later, I deal with also.  Yet we still go through life and still have success.  However it is possible that I too have not completed this journey and that my opinion can change in the future and full recovery may yet happen.  I will just have to wait and see.

[MyEyesrOpen]

Thank you for sharing. I like seeing posts from those of you who have put time and distance in effect and reading about the outcome. I feel and hope that it doesnt take me 4 years, i feel like 3 years have already been stollen from me. I want another child, i want a proper family and real adult love. Maybe it took that long for you beacuse you shared the bond of having children with your ex. I couldnt imagine being that more in depth with my ex. He had tried to get me pregnant and trap me a few times, broke the trust and lied about it only to have to fess up minutes later because duhhh im not stupid. Thankfully i did not get pregnant. I think i had never been disepected more in my eniter life then at that point then after asking him not to at a most vulnerable time where i decided to be open to him. But thats a whole other thread. Thanks again.

[Restored2]

restored

If there is one thing I have learned through this process is that beliefs do change.  When I say that full recovery is not possible it is something I truly believe at this time.  The same way a bad leg injury can still hurt years later, I deal with also.  Yet we still go through life and still have success.  However it is possible that I too have not completed this journey and that my opinion can change in the future and full recovery may yet happen.  I will just have to wait and see.

Hi SWLR.  You sound quite open minded for your beliefs and opinions to change, which is a good thing.  I can personally testify to having serious physical injuries that have fully healed. 

I encourage you and others to not allow the inflicted injuries and wounds from our past to have a stronghold on us from receiving freedom for our futures.  To accept the alternative negative ways of thinking is ultimately defeat.  I am preaching to myself here as well.   

[SWLSR]

Eyes

Hang in there girl.  you will learn to let go of the hurt.

Restored

This experience has taught me so much but one thing I have learned is hope still exist. 

[Survivor25]

Thank you. It feels like I will never recover. I am scared to death to date again. I am terrified I will attract another BPD partner. Besides, I haven't dated in so long and I feel like my whole life has passed me by. It's good to hear that you are in a better place now. It gives me hope. The last 2 years together were hell! I either wished I would die or he would die or the house would burn down! crazy stuff! I just wanted it to end . . . and I didn't. That's the sad part. I still love him. How is that possible? I can say that now, being away for over a year, I finally feel peace for the first time. No endless conflict. No blame. No more walking on egg shells. It's a relief. But it's lonely too. Time. I need time to heal.

[SWLSR]

Survivor

Wow I know your story.  The first step in healing is feeling good about you and trust yourself and your judgement.  A BPD is a professional con artist who uses unsuspecting people for there own game.  We the nons here are the unlucky ones who got conned.  You will now have an easier time spotting one of these BPD humanoids now.  Remember most people are not BPD, every once in while anyone can show some BPD traits but that does not make them of those humanoids.  It is also not unusual for you to still love your former mate.  Unlike a BPD you are a real person who can love.  You have probably put so much love into this relationship that you dont know how to stop.  But one day you will.  Trust me you will

[Restored2]

Restored

This experience has taught me so much but one thing I have learned is hope still exist. 

SWLSR:  Despite the painful experience, I am glad to hear that you have learned that hope still exists.  Keep your hope strong!