42 days NC feeling really low

[MyEyesrOpen]

Its been 42 days - i checked his fb this morning and profile pic was changed and about 8 of his past hookups "liked it" i know hes out there with all these women again. after telling me how i was his heart and he wanted a life with me 44 days ago. im angry - im thinking horrible things about him, i dont feel like myself. we did this dance for 3 years, i feel like a shell of my former self. im in therapy but nothing is working. how do i ever get over this, i dont want to think about him, i dont want to love him, i want to do the impossible and rewind to that day - the one i met him. i wish it never took place and i know that doesnt say much for my growth in the experiene but i cant bear this pain.

to think that he doesnt even care and going about his time like i didnt even cause a dent is where im heartbroken. he used me and used my vulnerabilites including my daughter, wanted me to love him and for me to be comsumed with him while i was nothing. why lead me on - why! if there are so many out there he could play with why me?

im struggling with these questions that i know he"ll never give answers to, where is my closure?

i feel worthless, not good enough. why couldnt he just do this to the others and have let me go when i was falling for him? especially that i have a daughter, who sees me angry and in tears constantly.

[SWLSR]

This is gonna be rough dear hold on though it will get easier.  You have to put him out of your mind not easy but please try babe.

[Trog]

Yuk, I'm so sorry for the pain you are in at the moment, everyone here can empathize, half are going through it now and another half have been through it. The second half, to which you will eventually become a member learnt a lot about themselves and their self-confidence, beliefs and wounds exactly by being with a person like this, who hurt them, exactly as you describe.

Feeling disguarded, when you loved and believed you were being loved wholly, is simply painful beyond words. The why, why, why questions will eventually turn into why why why "did I allow this", because you do deserve love, there will have been various red flags and cruel behaviour before and for whatever reason you did not have the appropriate boundaries in place to say "f that noise". Why you, yes, your vulnerabilities and his PD fit hand in glove, you can't see it now, but this pain will pass, I promise, and from this sh... .well, roses grow and you will feel better and BE better after this exp.

I know when in the middle of the pain of detaching from a BPD relationship this sounds far off and unlikely, but believe me, I was on the verge of suicide this time last year and my life, thanks to my self-esteem as much as the BPD ex who just underlined it with a highlighter pen at every turn, was crap and getting worse, slowly, day by day. They hold a mirror up to you, when we accept the bad/cruel/mean behaviours slowly and surely we erode our souls. The night is darkest before the dawn, your journey into this pain didn't start when the relationship ended, it started when it began, where you are now is far closer to your happy self, a happy self for you and your daughter than you realise. Stay strong, we've all been here, it hurts like crazy, but you will realise one day that pain is for you and your growth, your ex in the end could have been anyone at all.

[dagwoodbowser]

MyEyerOpen: Right with you. Day 46 today for me. Yesterday was kind of a strange one as I was all about anger and rage. Today, I'm a little sad and of course wondering how she's doing. She blocked me on FB which is probably good, but I have her blocked on my phone and email which is better because she has a way of reaching out and hooking me back in. Small part of me wants that... .but I know the outcome. It's a daily grind. I didnt think I would survive day the first 7 days, yet here I am. Let's stay with it!

[Reforming]

Hi myeyesareopen

I'm sorry you're in such pain  . The pain you feel from end of relationship with a disordered person can be excruciating. No one can make it disappear but it will ease

"Its been 42 days - i checked his fb this morning and profile pic was changed and about 8 of his past hookups "liked it" i know hes out there with all these women again. after telling me how i was his heart and he wanted a life with me 44 days ago. im angry - im thinking horrible things about him, i dont feel like myself. we did this dance for 3 years, i feel like a shell of my former self. im in therapy but nothing is working."

Seeing a person that you cared for very deeply appear to walk away without a care in the world is enormously hurtful. I can understand that it might seem like everything is good with him, but BPD is concealed disorder and those suffering from it are miserable and unhappy.

You might be in a lot of pain now, but by going to a T and posting here you're facing up to it and working through it. Unless your ex gets help he needs he'll be living with his pain for the rest his life

"he used me and used my vulnerabilites including my daughter, wanted me to love him and for me to be comsumed with him while i was nothing. why lead me on - why! if there are so many out there he could play with why me?"

This one of the hardest and most difficult questions I needed to answer.

The disorder was big part it, there's no doubt about that, but there were other factors that played a part too.

Well done for going to T. It takes guts and strength

How are is your daughter holding up. Have you got some support from family and friends?

Well done for posting

Reforming

[MyEyesrOpen]

Thank you for your replies everyone, it literally just brought tears to my eyes.  My self-esteem is lower than I’ve ever experienced and I feel like I don’t even deserve all your kind words and advice. I’m grateful for this site, even though sometimes it’s hard to be on here for obvious reasons.

SWLSR – I’m trying to put him out of my mind like you say. I tell myself he’s not thinking about me so I shouldn’t think about him but then I obsess over why he isn’t thinking of me. Why …... .? What’s wrong with ME? Etc…  I’m going back to the gym tonight (last week I just couldn’t) I’m hoping it will stop the obsessive thoughts or at least lessen them. I’m going to try my best.

Trog  dagwoodbowser  Reforming

– Thank you. I don’t even know if I’m ready to be a part of that second half group – it’s so scary even just to give up. I feel like I’m letting him down even though he walked away. I have tremendous guilt I don’t understand why. I hope working with my T will help me figure that out. I can’t even look at myself in the mirror. I don’t know who’s looking back anymore. I’m so sorry you were suicidal Troq – I know how painful that is. I’ve been there – kept telling myself I just want to “disappear” I want the pain gone. The only thing that kept me here was and is my daughter. I can’t do that to her. She’s 10 going on 11 and she needs a mother. I keep writing notes in my phone – words I want to say to him and I do feel better afterwards but it doesn’t last. My T believes I shouldn’t do that in my phone. My phone also holds good memories I had with him, beautiful texts and voicemails and photos (even though it was all an illusion I feel) so he suggested I write each terrible thing he did to me and any words I need to say to him now on individual papers and fold them up and put them in a box. A box I can revisit as reminders if he tries to come back. When I started this project in Jan/Feb I had so much rage and couldn’t believe how many effed up things he did that I actually forgot! I had to stop for a bit to collect myself. It was too painful. I think it’s time to go back and finish the project but im scared. Scared of the emotion that’s going to come out.

My daughter is holding up ok – she only met him twice as I could never get enough consistency from him to go beyond that. Luckily she has a great father who is a constant and positive person in her life. She sees my pain, she has texted me how she “will be better, she’s sorry, she won’t make me sad anymore”…. I hate him then. That’s what keeps me from not contacting him. He did this to me, and I’ve done this to her. I’m working on my relationship with her. I can’t have her see me like this anymore. She hasn’t seen me drunk in months so that’s a start. Now im working on smiling more, I wear my heart on my sleeve its difficult for me to fake anything but im going to try.

[SWLSR]

My eyes I started a thread yesterday about the pain read it if wish.  If I can do anything let me know you can do a private email if you like or just say it on the thread.  I know life is very dark right now.  But don't give up you will get through it.

[joc1970]

It's tough, hang in there