New here, need help/insight into confusing BPD relationship

[ABro12]

I don't know where to start other than at the beginning... .I apologize for the length.

Beginning:

This guy added me on Facebook and we started talking solely as friends. I found him to be extrememly interesting, unlike any man I had met before, and after a few weeks of talking I discovered that we had a plethora of things in common from interests, beliefs, hobbies etc. Then, we got into the deeper stuff... .He confided in me about his issues (depression, self-esteem etc.) and being the kind person that I am, I tried improving his mood with encouragement. When I noticed just how bad he was, I asked him how a person as good looking, smart, and agreeable could be single and so down on himself. That's when he told me he had BPD. I read about it quite a bit. Later on, I found out that I was friends with his sister which made the bond we had seem stronger and more real. Needless to say, after a coupoe of months of talking nearly every day, I fell for him. When I tood him, he said he liked me too. I told him I was glad but felt like he needed to figure things out before deciding to start something with me... .We took it VERY slow. Months of just being friends and growing closer (albeit, online and through text). Frequently would I ask him to hang out only to be told things like "I would, but I don't have the self-confidence" or "I wish I could be cool (mellow not anxious) and hang out with you"

Fast forward a couple of more months, and a major shift happens. He starts being more affectionate and interested. Our online relationship became more loving, mostly due to his insistance, and before I know it he is saying things like "you should come live with me" "we need to go camping" "I want to do this with you", basically making a bunch of future plans with me... .Then, we make plans to meet. During the time we waited for our planned date, I noticed very slight differences in our communication. Sometimes I wouldn't hear from him for a day or two... .It was rare, but t still got me wondering because I read about BPD. Then, we finaly meet. He was nervous, I could tell. So was I. But we had an okay time and cuddled and stayed the night with each other (no intimimate encounters though). Not even kissing because I think we were both too nervous. 

Date ends and I get a message saying he was glad we got to meet. He said he would have kissed me if I had kissed him... .We made plans to meet again, he seemed excited about it. A day before the date I asked if he was still interested and he said he wasnt sure because his moms bday was that day (it really was) and that he had bad acne (self-esteem).  So I told him it was fine and that I was sick anyway.  He seemed fine with that and we made no other plans. Things seem fine for another couple lf days and then I don't hear from him for two which was unusual. I messaged him asking if he was still interested and if we were still okay, and he said yes, he was interested but wished he wansnt so depressed because it made him not want to be part of anything. I asked him if that meant he didnt want to be part lf anything with me and he said he didn't know what kind of relationships he was capable of having which floored me. This is something I had heard before many times and something I thought he had gotten over enough to let me in. So I told him I didn't underdtand how he could go from being in a relationship with me to not being in one at all and I told him I was hurt and felt played. The only thing I could get him to say were things like, "I can never live up to what anybody wants. Pls don't make me try" I replied hy assuring him that he was good enough and that I didn't want much from him just his love etc. All he would say is I'm sorry which was frustrating. The last message I got was i'm sorry, I didn't want to hurt you." Then I said my goodbyes and cried my tears. The next morning I get a text saying he didn't wanna lose me, that he'd been crying and wished I were there, hadn't stopped caring or liking me." I thanked him for telling me how he felt because he said it wa hard for him to express himself. I asked to see him and he said he wouldn't be confortable until his acne cleared up... .But we were still having good communication. Then I get a text saying his face was a little better (which I thought was him saying "so I'll get to see you soon" and then he said he was out with his friends... .I thought he was testing me so I played it off like I was fine wth it and everything. Then, another two day period of not hearing from him. I text "hey?" And get nothing for hours, so I write a message saying if he wanted me to leave him alone to just tell me because you can't say you miss someone and dont want to lose them only to disappear and ignore them" He messages back and says that he didnt want me to leave him alone because he'd miss me... .So I say then I need tl know what we're doing. And he says he "doesn't know what to tell me because he was antisocial and depressed." Things I already knew and again, thought we'd come to terms with because I'm not a social butterfly either (one of the reasons he told me he thought I'd be a good gf for him by the way). So I start rehashing the same discussion we had previously... .He tells me to come over so he can show me how he lives and how pathetic he is. I go expecting a crime scene, but only see a typical messy room and such. Nothing disturbing. We talk and laugh for a long time... .Then we cuddle again and talk about his feelings. We established the fact that he liked me but he said that when things get serious he usually runs because hes afraid of getting hurt. I tried to assure him I wouldnt get sick of him and do all the things his other gfs did... .And then I asked him if I could kiss him and he said no because he "didn't want to feel anythinf" even though we were lying there holding hands and such. So later I ask again, same response... .So feeling pathetic, I roll over and stop hugging him. He rolls over and hugs me and when I don't return the favor he withdrawals and starts crying. So I hugged him and comforted him and asked him was was wrong he said he "didn't know." He rolls over and I spoon him and we fall asleep together... .

I go home and tell him that it seemed to me that he didn't want anything to happen or he would have let me kiss him. He replied with I'm sorry. So I just said me too but I'll still be here for you if you need me because we ARE friends. We talk normally for a few days and then I ask if I can come hang out just as friends... .He says sure, but changes his mind an hour before I'm supposed to be there which set me off. I basically gave him tough love and told him that he says he is always being abandoned but it's him that is the one that pushes people away. I told him how much I cared about him (his replies were why would you want a disappointment like me etc.) and that I was willing to work with him even in his dark times and didn't wanna be like everyone else that he says just leaves him and forgets him. I told him that I was making leaps and bounds just to be his friend but that he was making little effort to do the same. He told me he didnt like being pressured so I could come over... .i go. Probably shouldn't have.

When I get there, we have a great time and talk about everything and laugh. But periodically he'd throw in a "this is why you shouldn't like me" even though I was just there as a friend. Later, we cuddled (as friends), and he starts talking about his issues so I feel like I can talk about us... .He says he isnt incapable of being intimiate even though previously he would say "you can give me all the affection you want because I'm always been the more affectionate person"... .He tells me he is attracted to me... .So I try talking about what kind of future we have. He says "this is the most intimate I've been with someone in a while. It's easy for me to talk to you etc" and I said "is that a good thing". And he said "yeah, I think so. i'm giving in." So here I am thinking things are going well... .He keeps talking about his flaws and his disappointments and I tell him that I he isn't those things and that I'm not like those people... .And he starts getting defensive. He told me that he basically was hanging out sith me because he didn't want tk hurt my feelings because that would mean he was disappointing me like he does everybkdy else... .Somehow, we got to a situation where he was being rude to me. Some of the things he said were "everything you say is to try to lersuade me to date you" which honestly, he did have a point. But I thought that was why we were talking about jt in the first place... .I apologized for being a narcissist and told him I just needed clarity on the situation. I said I just dont know why you tal--- and he interrupts and says "I'm sorry for talking ti you JESUS" and I was like that isn't what I was going to say... .And then I was going to say something else only to be interrupted again with him mocking some of the things I had told him from my heart and a place of goodness... .Which made me feel very insecure and foolish. Then, he starts making fun of some of my hobbies. I get entertained by astrology... .So he said "don't you think that makes you pretty gullible? I think that makes you pretty gullible" I couldn't even explain that it was just for fun and not something I took seriously because he wouldn't stop phtting me down for it... .Then, I got quiet because I didn't know what to say. Ao he goes "I hate women. All of them" ... .So I layed there flr awhile trying to collect myself and my shame, and I got up and said "i'm gonna go. I don't feel wanted here and it's awkard" he said "i don't want you to feel that way so you probably should." When we get outside, I say see ya. And he says "if you want to" ... .So I said if you want to. Blah blah... .

So after making me feel like a narcisstic for wanting to make sense kf things, I go home and write a sweet apology about how I should have listened more and all this and that I was sorry for lressuring him and making him feel caged. He writes me back thanking me for being a good friend and caring about him. That he hoped I still wanted to be his friend because he liked hanging out with me and talking."

So I say yeah... .i like those things too. And we've talked a fee times but not a lot. Not like we used to when we were just friends... .I've tried to start conversations with him to try to get our friendship back because what webhad was realky nice... .But it just feels forced and unreciprocal.

I've been dealing with these mixed signals for about a month now... .I don't know whether he just doesn't like me, it's his BPD that is making him distant, or if it's something else alm together. He says he likes me... .but then he amsays he just puts up with me so I won't have my feelings hurt. what the heck is going on? Is this normal behavior with BPD? Will he cycle back to wanting to be with me? I don't want tk give up on this person, because I do love him. He is one of my best friends and I don't want to lose him as a romantic partner, but I definitely don't want to lose him as a friend either. This is killing me... .I feel like it's me and I'm not good enough or I didn't do the right things... .I know most people would say to run, but I don't want tk run. I want to salvage this relationship. Do I have a chance? Was it all just a lie? Please someone give me some insight into my situation... .I would so appreciate it.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[MercuryHat]

No-one can tell you what to do.

I think that likely violates some sort of rule of conduct around here.

However, I'm new here and I am brazen in sharing my opinion.

You have to figure this out for yourself, but here is my opinion:

The crazy won't go away. You can't heal him out of it. You won't be able to make him feel better about himself, or cure him of BPD or anything else.

Do you like the emotional roller coaster you've just gotten a taste of?

That is what you have in store for you for the rest of the time you spend with him. There is no getting off, unless you get off the relationship.

Do you want to end the rollercoaster now, while it hurts?

Or, do you want to end it later when you have lost all sense of up and down, you feel terrible about yourself, and it hurts even more?

Or, do you want to be stuck on the roller coaster with kids in the car and you trying to keep them safe from the crazy, and it hurts even more?



Sorry to be so blunt, but personally, if I knew then what I know now and someone told me to run, I honestly think I would have run.

RUN!



No matter what choice you make it will hurt. Better to hurt now with less damage, than later when it will rip your life (and your kids lives?) apart.

[ABro12]

No-one can tell you what to do.

I think that likely violates some sort of rule of conduct around here.

However, I'm new here and I am brazen in sharing my opinion.

You have to figure this out for yourself, but here is my opinion:

The crazy won't go away. You can't heal him out of it. You won't be able to make him feel better about himself, or cure him of BPD or anything else.

Thank you for taking the time to read my long post and reply. I respect your honesty.

However, I am not looking for people to tell "me" what to do. I know what I want to do. I want to stay and try to work on this, if nothing else for the sake of our friendship.

I guess my purpose for posting is to see if this is typical BPD behavior and if it is, maybe give me some pointers on how to go about with communicating with him etc.

I just don't know if he is gone forever or if he is gone temporarily. I want to get back to a place of friendship, but I fear I have triggered him to a point of no return. I would just like to have some different perspectives on how I could improve our distance from people who may have been in the same situation.

I know it isn't possible to heal him. I know this is a mental illness and it takes therapy, medication, etc to really see some kind of results... .But that doesn't mean that I don't want to show him I care by trying to lift his spirit.

Thanks again for replying.

[friskey]

Hi there

I was reading your post and I hope that you are ok.

Reading about BPD and reading some of the what is BPD and what it takes to understand your role in a BPD relationship is great starting tools to learn how to continue forward.

It is about protecting yourself and ways you can work on your relationship and your own emotions in this. .

DD is right the crazy wont go away. But you can learn skills to deal with this volitile and up and down emotions in order to protect yourself.  I always try to believe that it not

about me or anything I have done wrong. It is their own state of mind. I done everything to show him I care. So have you.

Dont blame yourself. Keep youself healthy and well. That is very important. Read the

lessons given on the right. They can give you insite. Also if you need therpy for yourself. As you go through this.

My SO also have been gone for nearly two months. I really dont kbow when I see him again or not. But what I do know is that I cannot heal him. I not responsible for that. But I am responsible for looking after myself and my well being.

[an0ught]

ABro12,

the confusing signals we are getting are so confusing since they are truly believed by the sender. In every moment the sender is sending a message that is consistent with the senders inner feelings. The problem is "just" that these feelings can change faster than weather at the coast.

Two things.

First, try to think about your relationship not "just" in a sense of romantic love but in terms of

 - emotions (fickle, can turn polarity on a dime)

 - attachment (deeper, but may come with fear of abandonment)

Second:

 Since he is conflicted internally - which has nothing to do with you and is all related to the instable inner core - making plans based on any proclamation of him on any particular day is futile. Reading meaning into his words is possible but will take some study. To understand and predict him better focus on observing his emotions and behavior, they will speak confused but clearer than his words. Focusing on him will not provide you the answer what to do. You need to take the responsibility and lead here and set out a course that makes sense for yourself knowing how he is. Relationships with pwBPD are possible but they tend to go downhill when we focus on their lead. You are sadly at the moment the only emotional adult in the relationship.

Welcome to the board,

a0

[ABro12]

Things have taken a turn for the worst today, and I fear I have made a grave mistake.!First I want to tell you that my contact with my SO is limited to text these days. So that is where the majority of our conversations have taken place.

Today I wrote him and told him that "I was having a hard time not talking to you or being around you." He asked me if I was okay and I said "no not really. I'm having a hard time with my feelings for you. I know you don't feel the same way (me trying to get an answer with a different tactic) and I'm sorry to keep bothering you with it."

He said "I'm sorry  I feel super ugly."

I tried the SET communication tool to make him feel understood, but it didn't help much.

Then, I asked him if he was capable of giving me a straight answer if I asked him a specifix question and he said yes, so I asked him ":)o you have any legit feelings for me?"

He replied with "Yes but as a friend. It's all I can handle with anyone. It's the truth."

I was onviously frustrated because we've been friends for almost a year and for 4 of those months I feel as if he has led me on. He knows he has borderline and I've tried so hard to get him to see that I will treat him right(I know it takes more than love to make a difference but I'm just saying). So when he told me thst he had feelings only as friends, I ended up writing him a long message telling him that "if he knew he wasn't capable of being more than friends then he shouldnt have made me think that he wanted more for months. That I really loved him and it was real to me and that I was hurt" and all this and I thankes him for giving me a straight answer and told him I wasn't being hateful. I waited 10 minutes for a reply but didnt get one. So I sent another message and told him that "I didnt think I was capable of only being his friend because my feelings for him were too strong. Being his friend would only give me hope for something I couldn't have. But that I hoped he got himself some help and worked out his issues so he could learn tk trust himself and others in order to be have a happy life."

Again, I got nothing. So I ended my messages with "Maybe I'll see you around, but if not, I love you and goodbye." Then I deleted him from facebook and my phone.

I want to make it clear that I did NOT want to end this and I don't really think I did. He made it clear that he didn't want to be anything but my friend even if his actions and other comments have suggested otherwise at times. I feel so guilty though. I have tried and tried to get this man to come around, but it's all I can do to get him to agree to even meet me, so what was I supposed to do? I didn't want to be like the other girls who abandoned him or allowed him to push them away, but I feel like he gave me no choice. I don't want this to be the end. I don't. This was my way of showing him that I wasn't going to be hanging around waiting on him to get it together in hopes that he will realize that I'm serious. All of his other previous gfs are still his friends on facebook and stuff, but I'm not which I was hoping would make him realize that I'm not playing around But Did I just ruin everything?

I feel so bad and confused. I feel like I ultimately ended up doing the very thing he thought I was going to do which is abandon him... .Even though for the last two weeks I haven't been very involved in his life at all anyway and the entire month of April was a struggle in general too... .  I have been making all of the contacting happen... .

I want  to believe that my actions today will make him realize what he has lost but I know he isn't like normal people. Does anyone have any advice or insight for me on how I can fix this? Or is no contact (even if it was initiated by me) a good thing if I want this to work out?

Was this a good strategy or a complete screw up?

My hope is that I hear from him soon and my hope is that if I do he will be ready to try to get some help and make changes. I hope I haven't just royally screwed my "relationship" up